Shaz48

No he doesnt drink a lot or on drugs, i just think he has no fashion sense and probably had ironing done for him when married, however i feel its common sense to iron and want to look nice when on a date and that is troubling me for some reason

I started dating a guy that i have known for a while but only to say hello to. I started to think he was quite a nice guy and was interested in getting to know him more. I started to chat to him and he asked me out, to which i agreed. He is divorced after 25 years of marriage and i am his first date since his divorce a year ago. To this end i accept this could be a big thing for him and expect nerves. After our third date i realised that he had worn the same shirt every time but also he did not iron it. He turned up in creased clothes and i am sure his trousers were dirty or stained. I did mention his unironed shirt and he admitted to not doing it. He did try after that so was trying to make an effort. he also doesnt have much fashion sense and wore shirt and trouser suit type to mcdonalds and then felt conscious and started sweating perfusely as he felt so uncomfortable. I realise i may have not helped by mentioning his clothes and kinda hinting he gets some new ones rather than wear the same shirt for all our dates which may have made him more uncomfortable. However this has all put me off him, even though he seems a genuinely nice guy and someone who i think would be very kind to me, whereas my ex was a narcissistic evil man so i was really disappointed that i didnt find this new guy attractive due to his poor fashion sense and unironed clothes. I know this makes me sound so horrible and i dont mean it, but it did put me off. I told him for now maybe we can be friends and see how things develop naturally. Should i really let this put me off?

Thanks everyone, i was totally annoyed at myself and i have let myself down i do know that. It got the better of me and i was angry and hurt. I know it was very wrong of me and i truly do not want him back, i hate what he did to me and how much pain he caused and that is what i am still carrying around with me which is why i reacted. I should have laughed at the attempt to get a reaction out of me and sit back and wait for him to do it to her. its not my problem anymore and i so not want to react any more, i musnt i know that

My ex who has been emotionally abusive towards me even when we was together but i didnt realise it at the time, is now with a new woman, a woman who i suspected would be his new victim as she is as vulnerable as i was, she is the perfect person for his narcissism and is someone he always told me he didnt like. they were both at an event i was at on friday and towards the end of the night, they were on the dancefloor near to me and i saw him kiss her and cuddle her whilst dancing. I was expecting this day to come and knew it would be her and even expected it to happen on this particular night, but still i reacted. I went over to her while he was there and just said he will hurt her like like he hurt me, they both just looked away and said nothing. I said to him what are you doing hurting someone else, you never liked her and have said horrible things about her in the past. I walked away and a few mins later she walked away from him but he stayed put. I went over to him again and said the same thing and he took my outside. I said to him why is he doing this again and going to hurt someone else, you dont even like her do you. I said what will happen to you when you hurt her and her friends then dont talk to you, you will have no one. All he then said was i am going travelling again soon anyway....he didnt say anything about her. I said again you will hurt her, he shrugged his shoulders and called me darling. I said she has dogs (he hates them and always told me he wouldnt date anyone who had dogs) and he pulled a face and said "i know" and i then said well dont you have a problem with that and he said "yeah i do". He is totally using her and practically admitted it to me. It just made me so angry as i knew this is what he was doing and as crazy as i sound i felt sorry for her for a split second as what i went through trying to get over his hurt and abuse is still tormenting me even now. I looked jealous but i was not, i was angry. I said to him that he promised me he would not flaunt any new woman in my face but he has and he just then said go away. I am very annoyed at myself as i should not have said anything at all and should let the relationship fall to bits and let her get hurt, she doesnt deserve my protection or warning as she has also stabbed me in the back as last year was being my friend supporting me over him but at the same time was messaging him and going after him for herself. He told me as much when we was talking last year and even showed me her messages and now she is the one bringing him to places i am going to be. I so wished i had just laughed at them and watch it fall apart and then everyone on her side would see that he has done it again to someone else and then would see that what i was saying he did to me last year was totally true. But i didnt, i gave him the reaction he obviously wanted and it looks like i was jealous. I will have to see them together again in 2 weeks as she is bringing him yet again to a social event i will be at. How on gods earth do i show them that i just dont care? I so wished i hadnt have reacted but i did. My friends have told me that of course it would upset me seeing him with someone else, i am only human etc etc. However ive been to a counsellor and have totally seen that he has abused me emotionally throughout our 5 year relationship and he is a narcissist which is why he is now with her, not because he likes her, but because she fuels him and boosts his ego and will fall for his nonsense just like i did. Other stronger women see through him so he never goes for those. However because i loved him so much and was so hurt by him it does still hurt me to see him with someone else but at the same time i know i am so free of him now and shouldnt care at all. How do I cope in the future and not give them any more of my reaction or time and also to not embarass myself again?

I am sure some of you will remember my posts about my ex who broke up with me so badly and then wanted me back just like that but then he got nasty every single time it didnt go the way he wanted it. The consensus is and i truly believe this now that he is a narcissist and nothing he has said was ever true. So why do i get upset when i see him around, which he tries to do regularly to make sure i see him. my biggest fear is seeing him with someone else....why why why? why am i so scared of this? it makes no sense after all he has done to me and what he was actually like when we was even together? After some of your advice i have started counselling to work on my low self esteem as to why i even thought this guy was so great and this has helped me believe what everyone else has been telling me about him, but i do not know how to stop myself from feeling so sad and i want to know how i can hold my head high, even if i do see him with someone else, and not let him hurt me because that is now all he has left to hurt me with and i know he will use it as soon as he can. Has anyone gone through something similar and how did you over come it? i know i shouldnt be worried at all at seeing him with someone else but i loved him so so much despite what he turned out to do to me, but my feelings for her were very real and strong so when i see him it still hurts. it hurts that he could have treated me this way, it hurts that he is over there laughing and acting like he is such a great guy when he is not. How do i turn these feelings off? I dont want him back, i hate him for what he did so why am i so scared of seeing him with someone else and why do i get upset all over again when i do see him around? Can anyone help me make sense of this crap?

Thank you, i cannot as our events are in public places so he is just turning up there knowing i will be there. He isnt a member of my group, he is in a different one, but they can find out where i am quite easily. I tried to see a therapist but i was not able to. I know the advice is to ignore, head high but i get so upset as to what he has done to me yet he is acting like he has done nothing wrong and says things like i have tried to turn people against him by telling them what he did etc. He smirks at me when he is there to try and get a reaction and even if i dont, i will go home and cry because i am still so hurt. Yes i know i should just let it go, i am better than that etc but it is so so hard.

Hi, i need some good advice, me and my ex were in a social group and that is how we met, we therefore know a lot of the same people. When he broke up with me very brutally by text after 5 years of what i thought was happiness i was incredibly hurt. I did tell people when they asked me what had happened and what he had said about me smelling and how i found out about the cheating and lies that had also gone on when we first got together, which i did not know anything about until after we broke up. I was devastated and hurt so i did not protect him, i told people who asked the truth. I however did not go around telling everyone, only those who asked me. I did not lie to protect him i told the truth. 8 Months went by and the lockdown was easing and we all started to go out again and he started to come, the very first time after he saw me, he decides he wants me back, this did not work as i was broken and the trust was gone. He did not take kindly to this and things went from bad to worse, with his behaviour, he was coming to my social event and making me cry, making me react where i looked crazy, he was looking fine. He was telling people how sorry he was and that it was all his fault and that he loves me and made a mistake, so people were feeling sorry for him and thinking bad of me for not giving him a chance. However i did give him a chance and the minute he got that chance he was different, acting in a very different way, telling me i couldnt stroke a dog because he dont like them etc. I ended this chance very quickly and told him that was it. His words when no one was around were very gaslighting and i was starting to feel i was going mad. I therefore left the social group we were in and started my own, one without him being in it. 3 months have now passed and i was feeling great not seeing him and really starting to move on. However he and a few of his friends who are still in the other social group are starting to show up at my events, granted they are not with us but they are there and i am very worried that he is going to start his little game of making me cry and react and so on. What i need help with is this....i am desperately worried i will get upset (not that he deserves any more of my tears) and i will end up having a rubbish night or embarassing myself by crying. How do i carry on with him there as if i just dont care? What can i do to help myself block him and the others he is with out and enjoy myself like i would do if he was not there? Can anyone give me some good tips and advice please as i am at my wits end with this man who just wants to ruin my life i feel.

Yes this is about the same man

I have messaged on here before about my ex and appreciate your comments and views on my situation. My ex is part of a social group that we both belong to so it has been really hard for me to move on and heal as i have to see him. I am an organizer in this group and i arrange social events to which he the books onto, which as part of the group he is allowed to do. I have been trying very hard to accommodate this and be civil but he has been begging me for forgiveness and saying that he is sorry and can we try again. I have thought hard about this but every time i trust him a little something will change and he reverts to type. The last time he said he didn't like me stroking a dog. He is now saying that i act differently around certain people and that they "own me". i am not even sure of what this even means. he says it is what he observes as i am different towards him when they are around. I have explained that i feel awkward when i see him as i still feel a lot of hurt as to what he has done but i am also trying to be civil for the sake of our mutual friends and the social group. He said that i am manipulating people against him and one of these friends of mine is my secondary owner (whatever that means). Every time we talk i end up crying and he sits there and says he has done nothing wrong. When we are out he will make comments that only I know what they mean and i therefore stupidly react by making a comment or pulling a face, to which he is now saying i am causing an atmosphere and i have to stop this. But i say no he is doing that on purpose to make me behave in such a way to then make me look the bad one and make him look like the innocent nice guy. The problem i have is i think i know what he is doing but i keep still falling for it when he says he is sorry and regrets what he has done and he loves me. I have told him i do not trust him and it would never work but did want to try and be civil and we get so far and then bam another episode will arise where we end up arguing. He also keeps accusing me of telling too many people what he has done to try and destroy him but i didn't i only told our friends the truth of what he did when they asked what had happened not thinking anything more of it. In hindsight i probably shouldn't have told people too much but i was hurting. I have now blocked him and told him that we are no longer going to be able to talk as he keeps hurting me and i know he is starting to make me look like i am the one causing trouble in our social group and i am starting very much to wonder if he is narcissistic. People have told me that his behavior is very much narcissistic and controlling but i keep thinking no he cant be. What i need help with is now i have blocked him and told him that we can no longer have any chats how do i make sure he doesn't worm his way back into my head when he starts turning up again at my social events. I need to stay strong as i am almost certain what he is doing to me but he keeps trying to make me think he doesn't mean it and he loves me. Does what he has done and said give me any reason to think he is a narc or at least controlling? He dumped me by text after 4 years, said i smell as i only showered once not twice a day and not for more than 15 mins each time, now he says he loves me and he has made a mistake. He also cheated at the beginning of our relationship with 2 people but lied about it and never told me that he did that until after we broke up when i found out from someone else and now he says he is a changed man and he has sorted himself out but then he says things like i am owned by my new friends and that they are filling my head with stuff about him and that i am manipulating people against him......but he loves me???? What is this guy trying to do to me?