I'm in the thick of trying to make sense of things after being dumped 2 weeks ago. Of course having the common issues with closure and accepting the rejection. I'm hoping that writing my situation out will help me process and hearing from others might also provide some comfort in my time of need.
I started dating this 34(M) back in January 2021. He worked in data analytics, super smart, super educated, good nerdy type. (We dated for a total of 5 months and the last month was a long drawn out breakup)
We met on Hinge and we had a pretty great first date. He was really into me it seemed. ALOT. I wasn't quite at that level just because I wasn't initially physically attracted to him. (However, I'm 30 and looks just aren't what I'm looking for now days at least not one of the main factors and I just really wanted to take things slow.) I wanted to do this differently this time 'round. He wasn't the usual type of guy I go for-- but I've realized over the past year that I have been single that I need to open my heart and eyes to other possibilities, personalities and people different than my go to. To be quite frank the really good looking ones just have really ***ed me over in the past. He had a lot of great qualities and I grew to become more and more attracted to him.
In the first month I was a little taken back by the amount of interest he had in me and the level of priority and his availability overall. Not something I was used to at all. It scared me a little. I was on the fence whether I truly met a diamond in the rough or if this guy was love bombing me, or being super co-dependent. I will say we both come from a past. He came from a marriage that ended about 4 years ago where his ex wife apparently cheated on him on their honeymoon. 😮 I also came from a 3 year relationship about a 1.5 years ago who had cheated on me and done lots of shady ***. We both are very pro-therapy/working on mental health and identifying our roles in the past relationships we've had and really working on ourselves to heal that trauma. Over the course of the 5 months we would see each other 1-2 times a week, but talk/text everyday.
The past year has been tough on me work wise because I really struggled to find something that I was really passionate about and one that didn't require me to work remotely due to COVID. I had accepted a job in January 2021, however it came apparent that it really wasn't something I wanted to do, so I was looking for something else in April 2021, interviewing here and there. My ex knew I was interviewing but I never really revealed how much I despised the job and literally wanted to quit everyday. I mean we had just started dating and I didn't want him to think I'm a quitter/unemployed. WELL.........the day came and I quit before accepting a new job. I didn't tell him I quit my job. I just wasn't comfortable revealing that information at the time. (Would you feel comfortable revealing to a NEW romantic partner that you REALLY liked, that you were a crappy relationship candidate? (in terms of being unemployed at the time) (again I hold a decent amount of my worth tied to my job, not ideal/balanced--I'm aware of that and trying to work on my identity being more than my job. However, I do think it's hard in today's overall culture -- "hustle culture" and "extreme productivity mindset"
Well that proved to obviously not be the best thing because on the next few occasions we hung out I ended up drinking more than usual because I was hiding from the shame and guilt of being unemployed. For just a few hours I didn't want to think about it. Being unemployed is stressful and I know I'm not the only one out there that has experienced that type of "unemployment depression" if you want to call it. I feared telling him because I thought he'd leave me. In my mind my self confidence and self esteem was pretty low (as I hold a lot of my identity through what I do for work)--I really shamed myself and put him on a pedestal. Mind you, he never brought up me getting drunk the first time as an issue or that it bothered him. We never had established any conversation or boundaries around drinking. After the second occurrence where I drank more than usual (which was on a holiday/memorial day) the next morning I knew something was wrong......he didn't text like he usually did in the morning and I apologized remorsefully for maybe embarrassing him. Apparently, he was super super super hurt by it.
He proceeded with a cold text toward me saying he needed to process what happened. When he sent that, my alarm bells went off and it triggered me into "fear of abandonment" mode. (I know I'm still in therapy to work on that) Nonetheless, it was something that put me into a downward spiral/self - fulfilling prophecy that he was indeed going to leave me. I gave him some space and asked if he would call me when he got a chance as I wanted to talk about this and have a discussion. Well.... he never called me or asked to see me later. Or the next day, or the next day, or the next week. I finally revealed to him over text that I had quit my job and that my behavior was due to my extenuating circumstances and trying to do my best in my time of uncertainty with employment. (I'm still trying to understand how I hurt him so much by having a few drinks (and on a holiday) -- please understand I am not an alcoholic. My friends and family can vouch for that) I just had a few bad days where I was really feeling crummy about my situation.
You might think that one you really care about and really like would show understanding and compassion toward a circumstance like this --- maybe feel more concern in ways to console those thoughts/feelings rather than throwing them back in your face. Unfortunately, THIS did not play in my favor by telling him the TRUTH. He eventually told me at the end of a long excruciating break-up month of him processing his feelings after I told him that---Well, He just couldn't get past the fact that I lied to him and hid that from him. He revealed that He's been lied to by friends, family, ex-partners, and that it hurts. He said, "All I've known is hurt" he went on to ask me "Why?" Why me, MiKayla?" "What did I do to you?" "What did I do to you to make you think I would leave" I apologized remorsefully over the course of the month. I sent an edible arrangement to him, I sent long chain texts messages trying to convince him to trust me and that the reason I lied and hid that from him was simply due to my own embarrassment and insecurity. This was not something that I was trying to intentionally inflict pain onto him or out of malice. I told him I wanted to fix this. "What can I do to fix this?"..... Days went by where he said he wanted to see me and talk this through, but then when it came down to it and I planned for it and expected to see him......he would ghost me and wouldn't hear a word from him the rest of the day/night.
I'm brokenhearted....because I feel I truly lost a good one due to my stupid mistake and it hurts because I feel he's projecting all his hurt from his past relationships on me and I don't get a second chance to prove myself. Some of my friends say that he will continue to have issues if he shuts down every time a prospective lover makes a mistake. It's like as soon as things got serious/ there happened to show a little bit of conflict he ran. He ran fast......and I'm left feeling so confused and hurt because I fell for this person and I was blindsided by this. I wish we could have talked about this in person/on the phone since we were involved in each others lives for almost 6 months. I feel so unheard and unseen by him-- I never thought the one person I truly thought had strong feelings for me, understanding and compassion, just decided that morning that he never wanted to see or talk to me in person again. It ***ing hurts so bad. I really fell for him, I wanted to communicate with him and talk this through. I wanted to learn more about him, understand him more, be there for each other in hard times and at the 5 month mark I couldn't help but think of more in the future with him. So I'm grieving those expectations/once potential future.....
Is it just me or is he having some really strong opinions to some small issues? (I didn't lie about being married, having children, or cheating)....Then again I am aware a lie is a lie..... I guess we could also just chalk it up to the 'ole, "He just wasn't that into you" and that's that...... move on..... He's just really made me feel like *** about this whole thing.....One of the last texts messages I got from him was,
"This isn't just an issue between you and I MiKayla, but, rather how do I not bring this into future personal/intimate relationships in the future?"
--Ouch..... I guess I really really did him dirty.