First of all, I must say I am dreadfully sorry for what have I done to "us". I admit my sins and I want to fix up our relationship, because I love him more than anything in the world. But I don't know what to do and that's why I seek help from you.
I am in my late 20's, and so is my boyfriend. I have met with him 3-4 years ago, on an online video game. We caught each other's attention because we found out that we are on same page at most things. We liked each other. But something went wrong. I was not ready for a relationship at that moment. I spoke with him about this topic.
A week or two after this conversation, I have made a stupid mistake. There was another guy who said he liked me a lot and would come to my school and humiliate me if I didn't give him a chance. He used to call me from a private number at nights and scare me. He was threatening me that he will tell my family that I am speaking with him (because my parents didn't want me to have a boyfriend at that time and they wanted me to focus on my school). So I said "yes" to that crazy guy... just because I'm afraid of him. I thought something like that: If I mistreat and hurt him, he will stop loving me.
My plan has worked and that "another" crazy guy simply left me two months later, because I really treated him like garbage. I was happy about that but I also lost the man I really loved... My true love. He said "How could you start a relationship after you have said me before about you were not ready for something like that?" And I didn't have an answer to that. I was ashamed to tell him "everything", what my family have done to me after they learned all of this, how I felt during that months, etc... So we have separated.
He was a captain, he works on ships for months. After break-up, I started asking our mutual friends where and how he was. I tried so hard to hear any news from him and "earn" him back. But he had gone. And I never saw him again... until this year.
One night, when I was playing that game again, I saw him, the love of my life. I was shocked and couldn't breathe at that moment. He didn't remember me at first because I have changed my nickname. I tried to start a conversation with him. I told him the truth, "who am I". We started to talk, like in the past. We got closer over time... I felt very lucky and very happy to have found him again. And he seemed very happy to be with me, too. (But later, he said that: "If he remembered what I did to him before he got close to me, he wouldn't talk to me on that evening. But we were close before he could remember it clearly." I did not deceive him at this point. When I told him my old nickname, I thought he remembered everything and yet I thought he agreed to be with me. I wish I had spoken to him more openly.)
Somehow, we have started a relationship. And we have only one serious problem: The way I talk to my normal male friends, or, his jealousy. On second thought, both of them.
He was complaining about my intimacy to my friends, but he seems like he has an obsession about this issue. Generally, he was shouting at me and he was only saying "how right his opinion was". That's why I couldn't understand his feelings... I'm afraid I just thought he made it too big... I thought he was exaggerating. And unfortunately, I didn't pay attention to his wishes, because my mind was full of thoughts like: "I am a free woman and my boyfriend cannot tell me what is the proper behaviour or what is not, he should trust me". Unfortunately, I realized much later how wrong I was... This was not about "feminism" or a man interfering in a woman's life, as I thought. I wish I knew much more things about relationships. I thought I was not wrong because all of my friends are 19-20 years old and I actually loved and treated them as my brothers. And I was sure that all of them see me as a big-sister. Additionally, they all knew how much I was in love with my boyfriend, so I didn't think there was anything wrong with my behavior.
As time goes by, I thought I have understood what he wants from me. I "fixed" my behaviors against my friends. I stopped using sincere words towards them, like "sweetie, dear" etc... Even one day, my boyfriend came to me and said "You have finally understood my point. I realize now that you understand me and fixed your behavior so as not to upset me. And you cannot know how I am happy for this." We were -finally- happy.
Shortly after this conversation, he had to go to the ship again. He warned me before he left. He said, "If you get close to someone else when I am not around, we'll never be us again. Please be careful, especially when talking to our peers. By the way, please search for wedding rings when I'm gone, because looks like we're getting married when I get off the ship." I told him "Okay, do not worry, I know what you want and what you don't want from me." And then he left.
The first week, our communication continued normally. I was careful with my actions towards other people as I promised to him. But over time, I got immersed in the problems of my own life and neglected to take care of him, unfortunately... In my spare times, I used to play some games and go to bed to forget my problems. I hesitated to write to him when I was unhappy, because he was already working and I didn't want to overwhelm him with my own troubles. As he started to move across the ocean, the time difference between us started to get bigger and we couldn't talk as much as we used to. And that's why, one night he sent me a message something like that "You reply to my messages too late, I no longer feel like I'm in a relationship, you are free to do whatever you want because I don't care anymore."
At that moment, I was not "me". The man I was about to marry, had ended our entire relationship, in one second, with just one message, without ever asking my opinion, and now he was just letting me know about it. I couldn't feel anything but burning anger and deep sadness. I couldn't relax. In that anger and sadness, I instantly sent him a message in two or three minutes and saying: "OK, we are done. From now on, everyone should go their own way. Farewell."
But my sadness did not go away, on the contrary, it was increasing with each passing second. I wanted to hurt my boyfriend. I wanted to hurt him like he hurted me. I remembered the words he said to me before he left, "Please be careful, especially when talking to our peers." Careful, eh? There was a man who is only one year older than me in our friend group, and, I was suspicious about his behaviours to me. I couldn't be sure that he was treating me as a friend or like me as a woman. But he was my "friend" in my opinion, until that night. I also wanted to get rid of that "friend" because he looked like he will try his chance until I say "yes" to him. So I thought; if I say "yes" and leave him 3-4 days later, he will curse me and he wouldn't try to pick me up again... And also I can take my revenge from my boyfriend, too. On the very same night we broke-up, after just half an hour or an hour later, I started to messaging (online) with "that friend", who knew we are in a relationship actually. I told that I like him, under the influence of anger... In that online game, I wrote to him "darling / my love" several times in front of all our friends. Everyone was very surprised and no one could say anything. I used that words for 3-4 times on 4 days in a row (when we are playing that game with our friends). And I finally realized what a terrible thing I had done and I was disgusted with myself. First of all, I wasn't in love with "that friend" actually, I just used him for taking revenge, to make my boyfriend jealous and sad. And I didn't want to have a serious relationship with him. Secondly, I didn't keep my promise that I gave to my boyfriend. And lastly, my boyfriend learned everything what I've done from our friends and he was full of anger with me. He said "We are completely done, and I won't change my mind, forever."
I cried a lot. I stopped eating food. I couldn't get out of my bed for days. I thought of committing suicide.
Even now, I can't understand how I could be so stupid in that days. But it's like it wasn't me who did all of this. I tried to explain myself and my motives to my boyfriend. I told my boyfriend that how "that friend" wanted to make voice-chat with me, tried to go on a date with me and how I rejected him, because I didn't want him "in that way". I tried to explain that I have only wrote some intimacy words in an online game and there was no real intimacy between us. I tried to explain that I made the biggest mistake of my life, but also I wanted him more than anything in the world and he was always the only thing on my mind. But he just said "No". "No, because if I forgive you, I wouldn't be myself anymore. Whenever I look to you, I see a woman who has only her own reasons in her mind, and therefore she has the right to do everything she wants." He was damn right...
In the end, I learned so much from my mistakes. I learned that I shouldn't be too close with my friends, if I am in love with someone. I learned that I should listen much more carefully what my partner expects from me. I learned that I shouldn't take serious decisions with anger, rage and sadness. And also, I learned that "learning" doesn't bring a person back, once you have damaged their trust in you. English is not my native language, but I don't think there are any words in any language that can express the extent of my regret. Because my dreams were completely destroyed... by my own faults.
After all this, we were still texting with each other. Mostly, I apologized to him and asked for another chance, and he was adamantly refusing me. But he still kept talking to me because we were talking about everyday matters besides our love issues and he always liked chatting with me. And that's why I thought maybe I might have one last chance. I tried for 30 days for him to forgive me. I waited every night for his night shifts to talk to him, I replied his messages instantly, I stayed awake until 8.00 a.m, I slept only 4 hours in a day and then I waited for his day shifts, I ate my foods in my room so as not to reply late if he texted me. I thought that; if I can give him the love and attention he deserves, if I don't neglect him, if I can keep my level of intimacy with others at a certain level, if I can explain him how much I regret it and my mistakes will never be repeated, I might have a chance.
He sometimes argued with me, sometimes listened to me patiently. One day, when I finished my words, he said, "I understand how much you love me, I guess no one else would love me so much like you. I have to admit that, I love to chatting with you. I can't help myself, but I'm almost flirting with you when you have started to talking with me. But, in deep, I know we cannot be together again. I can't say 'you are mine' to you again. I can't forgive what you have done. So, let's try to be friends, because I don't want to lose my best friend in the world."
I didn't want to be "friends" with him, but I had no choice. So we started talking as friends. It was so painful to be so close to him and so far away, because he wanted to be friends and I had to keep my feelings inside. I've tried it as much as I can. But one day, I realized that I couldn't live like this. I asked him to delete me. But I also asked him to keep my phone number recorded somewhere, and if he wanted to be with me again, he could reach me. He accepted my offer. But I missed him so much, so i texted him only two days after this conversation.
He said he missed me and life was so tasteless without me. He said; he has still some feelings towards me like love, caress or embrace, but he tried hide all his feelings inside him. At that point, I made him an offer. I said; "We tried your way but it didn't work, so how about my way? Let's talk with each other like we are lovers. If one of us want to kiss or hug each other, we will say this. If one of us want to use emoticons like (heart) or (kiss), we will send it. I wanted to see one thing: If we're close enough, maybe your prejudice of 'I will never forgive you' may change a bit. And after that, if you still don't want to be with me, I won't push you anymore. This time just try to listen your feelings and try to ignore your inner voice that says you how unforgivable I am."
I thought he wouldn't accept my offer but he surprised me and said "yes". So, now we are "acting" like lovers, sending each others hearts, kisses and flowers. Not always, obviously, but time to time. But I know that, this is just the tip of the iceberg. I need to "earn" his respect and trust back again. I will not make same mistakes that I mentioned before, but I don't know what should I do in addition. Any advice would be appreciated because really need this.
Thank you for reading my message and I wish happiness to all of you in your lifes. I hope you won't make so serious mistakes like me in your lifes.
P.S. Please forgive me if I made grammar mistakes, as I mentioned before, English is not my native language.