Jump to content


  • Posts

  • Joined

  • Last visited

Everything posted by KitPanda

  1. Thank you everyone for your thoughts, it is really helpful to have so many perspectives! He has been active in learning about his diagnosis and how to improve his daily routines. He has a specialist he meets with to discuss medication, and he also sees someone who specializes in lifestyle support for people with ADHD. He is often reading books, listening to podcasts, and watching videos to get more ideas about how to improve. It is a slow process, some days are better than others, but he is certainly trying. I have a responsibility too to find ways to be supportive without being enabling. I agree that I was being upset about little things, it is something I struggle with. Everything just happened so fast, I was totally surprised and there wasn't anyone else there to take any pictures, but it was really special and magical. As far as being engaged, I didn't really want to do it until I knew for sure I wanted to go through with it. I guess I struggle with feeling unsure myself because I didn't have great examples of relationships growing up, so it kind of throws my own gauge off. That's why I wanted to get some outside perspectives. 14 years is a long time and we've had our ups and downs, but I'm realizing recently that I really think that majority of our conflicts are linked to the ADHD, which he is actively working on. To me it is encouraging that it is not something he is doing on purpose, and I am working on accepting his limitations.
  2. We didn't really count the first engagement since we didn't feel good about it. Besides, we have a bit of an unconventional relationship. A lot of people our age don't get married anymore at all, they just start living together and have a family. We decided we want to, just a bit later. It was also not practical to plan earlier because I was living outside of the country working on my graduate degree. But I am feeling a bit better about things now, I think I just needed some perspective. He is willing to work on things and so I am which is very important. I think the main thing we need is more support around working with ADHD, which we are both looking into.
  3. We have been apart because of school/career. I had a great opportunity in Europe to go to graduate school on a full scholarship and he had a really good job in the US. I want to go back to school so it may happen again. We are trying to coordinate things so that we don't have to be apart. We met in college and have lived together for most of the time. He is 42 and I am 36. We have lived with roommates in the past, but lately it has just been the two of us.
  4. Over the time we've been together I've gone back and forth and we have worked to improve things (I feel both of us are engaged in that work in a good way). I come from a family where I had to be the responsible one (even as a child, because my caregivers were not addressing basic needs), so it is a role I can fall into, but I do not enjoy it. It seems like limitations due to my background can be difficult to balance with his limitations. As for some of the specifics, I didn't take pictures because it actually looked like he was since he had his phone in his hand. I do wish I had thought of it, I was very surprised in the moment. I put a lot of value on photos for myself since we sometimes have to live apart for months at a time. I carry those pictures with me and put them in my room and in my work space. When I am down it helps me to remember to see us smiling together. So it is more for us than for social media. I do have my own issues to work out and that is part of what makes it difficult for me to determine the right path. I have a history of trauma starting in early childhood so it is difficult for me to access relationships. I am really working on it. Sometimes I feel like he is totally a great guy, other times I feel he can't meet my needs. I feel like some of that is natural to some point and it is difficult for me to determine where the limits are.
  5. Thank you everyone for the advice and perspectives. We have actually been together a long time (14 years). We get along really well and have a lot in common, but these planning troubles get in the way of bigger stuff life marriage. He does give me a lot of support. I don't have any family to rely on - and he pretty much feels like my only family at this point. I'm not looking for a party or an elaborate video, I was just sad nothing was documented. And as far as it being simple like dinner and a ring, he really has trouble planning a simple dinner, as I said he forgot to make a reservation so we couldn't go to dinner at all. Unless you mean dinner at home like we do every night - but I like to instill these big life events with a bit more meaning.
  6. My partner is a really sweet guy. He is well intended, but he struggles a lot with planning and being present with his feelings. He proposed to me about 2-3 years ago, but it was really a mess. It was totally rushed because he was really distracted at the time and despite our discussions about how we both wanted it to be he didn't take any of that into account. His father was very sick and dying and it was his fears and sadness about that loss that drove the rushed proposal. Instead of giving his father's passing space to be dealt with he proposed to me, the day after his father went into hospice. Then the next day his father died, we went into mourning and his family congratulated us between tears at the funeral. It really didn't feel right to me, there was no joy or time to celebrate. I also feel it took away from his father's passing, he needed his time too. My partner and I talked about it later and he admitted he was emotionally detached and avoiding the sadness by focusing on the proposal. Well now a few years later, take two. This time it is more focused on us and our relationship and he planned something really sweet. It was amazing really, he had one of our favorite singers from a local band come over and sing a few songs while we danced. It was magical. The only thing I'm really sad about is that he totally forgot to take any pictures or videos. He had his phone in his hand the whole time so he could have taken pictures, and I thought that he was, but he totally forgot. I just wanted something to commemorate this special moment, something to remember and look back on, and something to share with friends/family. It didn't need to be an elaborate photo shoot, I would have been happy with just one or two pictures. Anyway, then he wanted to take me to a fancy dinner afterwards but he didn't make any reservations so we couldn't get in anywhere and just had to come home. I should say that he has ADHD and I think it really affects his attention, prioritization, multitasking, and planning abilities. I'm trying to push down feelings of disappointment, and I feel bad for being upset at all, but this is a common theme in our relationship that does cause a lot of tension, disappointment, and frustration. I really think the ADHD has a big part in all of this so I am trying to be understanding, but I feel like I end up missing out on really big life events. I have to take the lead on all the planning whether it's a date night or a big trip and it gets exhausting. I want to be surprised once in a while. If I want things to go smoothly, it is often the case that I have to be the one to do it. I don't know how to address this issue in our relationship, and quite honestly, it has been so bad that it has nearly ended the relationship. Does anyone have any thoughts, advice, or similar experiences?
  • Create New...