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CryingDuckie

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Posts posted by CryingDuckie

  1. On 7/26/2021 at 7:33 PM, SooSad33 said:

    I have been through plenty enough, lol

    I know all the shades ūüėȬ†

    I have been single for almost 3 yrs and in no hurry to go there again.¬† It's draining & I don't have the energy needed to try again ūüėē¬†.

    So, I prefer being on my own, as I have been through too much now.  Yeah, it does hurt, especially when you've been through it all over & over - and it's caused damage.

    I often¬†say.. Don't get involved & you won't get hurt ūüėȬ†.

    I still suggest you do NOT seek him as a real partner in your life.  If you are okay as 'friends', fine.  But, don't expect more than that with him

    He is now your ex, leave it at that! ( You already know you two are not compatible) . Then work on accepting this & move along.

    Is always good to work on ourselves.. getting back to good.  Go in with a clear mind, when considering dating again.  So be kind to yourself.. Take some down time. - And don;t go at the first one who gives you attention.

    Take it easy...

     

    Thank you so very much... I wish one day to stop being so needy of male's attention. I'll try to be kind but that new guy is still in my thoughts, I wish he wasn't, I wish I wasn't tortured by regret too so I could really focus and start living for myself, at last.. But I will try my best.. 

    • Like 1
  2. On 7/22/2021 at 9:47 PM, SooSad33 said:

    Because HE is feeling a sense of 'control'.

    YOU have options too you know.  You have options to walk away.. ignore his controlling aspect and just say Enough!

    But, he knows he is your weakness, so he plays it.

     

    I do not believe he is truly your 'best friend'.  You've come to lean on him a lot.  But, once that line has been crossed ( you've become 'more' than just friends), can be a challenge to totally 'let go'.

    True friends are supportive.  Not conniving.  And they hear you, they offer support.  Not make you feel like you are something useless. - Stop letting him lead you on.

    You NEED to take back your power. Realize you do not need him anymore.  To find yourself again.  Not sit back & accept some guy who's been telling you how to act! 

    You both can move on again. 

    You just need to see this.  That you do not need to 'cling' onto him anymore.

     

    Yeah, it doesn't work this way.

    He's either willing to try again - or not!  This is not a 'control game'.

    FACT : You two are not compatible, you already know this. So, you find someone out there in this great big World, who does fancy you.

     

    Yes, because it was someone new, who DID show you some proper affection - where you were lacking with your ex.... BUT, was still too much - you two never even got going on something real & healthy.

    You pulled, then pushed - way too soon for this to work.

     

    This is why you need some serious down time.  Do NOT go out searching because you are tired of being single.  Respect yourself more.. get better and to where you are NOT still into your ex- you know just recently you were willing to go there, again!

    Note: you are tired or working for a relationship- Right!  you are tired, as a relationship has expectations.  It does take energy, you don;t have that right now.. Slow this area of your life down for a while.. Stop giving yourself.  But just be on your own and focus on YOU.

     

    Because YOU were not ready. 

    So, please sit back a while.. slow everything down with expectations and just take care of yourself here.

    I do not feel you're close to ready to get involved again.  Is best to remain single some more.. Get yourself back to good.  Hang with friends, get out there & do things.  Take some down time now, to heal properly.  Not feel this 'need' to be involved again.

    Seriously, take care of YOU.

    No, no.. With my ex we really do support each other. Whatever happens in my life I come to him to tell him about it, and he does the same. It's just up until recently I was also hoping to get back together with him. But I don't want anymore. We talked and I told him that he's like a big brother to me now, and he agreed he felt like this with me too. It's really difficult cuz I don't understand then why offering me to work and fight less for a possible relationship in the future. It is controlling, you are right.. I'm just used to cling on him.. And I thought the same! That he's either willing to try again or not! But he has his own logic. He needs no fights before he can try again. I never ever understood that. I moved on and want to be with someone else now (generally speaking) but it's just we can't cross out 4 years of support and stop talking for good..

    And you are absolutely right.. I was happy to get affection from someone, and now that it's gone so fast, it's hard.. But I did pull back, went to my ex.. It seems so crazy to me too now
    It's just I've been longing for this affection for so long, it seems, that I can't even imagine waiting more:) But I think you are right, I'll be rereading your messages, and others too, whenever I feel my thoughts mingled and confused again. And I'll focus on myself some more. After all yeah I've been single for 1,5 years but all that time I was hoping to get back together with my ex. I don't know how to stop needing someone in my life, like to be involved with someone. But I'll try my best... And I'm so very, very grateful for the advice and the help! Thank you! Huge, huge thank you!  I don't even know how to express it enough..

    • Like 1
  3. On 7/22/2021 at 9:57 PM, Wiseman2 said:

    That's your job. You need to block and delete him from all your social media and messaging apps.

    He's not holding you hostage, you are holding yourself hostage.

    I literally can't. I've know him for almost 4 years, dating for the first too. And since we met there wasn't a day that we wouldn't talk. Despite the fact I wasn't able to let go and stop hoping to get back together, we really do support each other a lot

  4. On 7/22/2021 at 11:27 PM, LaHermes said:

    Precisely Ms. C. 

    The fast and furious start-up is a very bad sign, OP.  Stable, sane people don't do that.

     

    Knowing that makes me feel a lot better, that's true! But I wish there were ad things about him that I would know. As I know very little and it's all the things I like. So I kind of know he's unstable but otherwise a good and interesting person (as much as I know)

  5. On 7/23/2021 at 3:13 AM, boltnrun said:

    Do you mean you met him in person?  Or "met" him online?

    Sorry if you already addressed this question.

    I met him in person, yeah. But since I turned him away we only text

  6. On 7/23/2021 at 2:57 PM, Wiseman2 said:

    So you don't want to move on. You want to be friends, play chess, stay in touch, etc. and be free to have crushes on others.

    It's unclear what you are striving for? Friends, a BF, online pals?

     How involved are you in your work or studies?  Are you happy at home? What is driving this need to "be loved"?

    For the new guy, yeah. I kinda like him a lot still, he moved on but I can't really do the same yet, although I realized a lot of things  after posting my message here and getting so many wise replies.. Yet I keep thinking about him and can't help it. 
    I have a very good job I was purely lucky to get and I love it, I've moved away from home when I was 16 and live far from my family. It's okay, I'm used to it and I visit my family once a year. But it's just because I've been single for 1,5 years I want to feel loved again, needed and wanted. I was happy reading messages from this new guy saying he missed me while I was sleeping, I felt happy that he wanted to spend time with me, look at me and talk to me. I have friends but I am very lonely

  7. On 7/23/2021 at 8:50 PM, MissCanuck said:

    In the beginning? Girl, you only knew him for 14 days. There was nothing but the beginning. This never got off the ground. 

    You say this like it's rare. A lot of couples are the same age. 

    You barely know him. You might have some things in common on the surface, yes, but you don't have any idea how much in common you genuinely have on a deeper level. 

    The point is that unstable people have unstable relationships. If this guy is unstable (and sorry to say that he probaby is if he was telling you he loved you after a few days), then you likely would have been hurt sooner or later by this guy. 

     

    Again, what you know of him is a fraction of who he really is. You have no idea what his true character is. You have built a fantasy in your mind built on very little tangible information about him. 

     

    We all do, but this is your problem: you're feeling so lonely and desperate since your split with your ex that the first guy who whispers some sweet nothings at you has you thinking it was a great love in the making. Even the most dangerous sparks look amazing and tempting in the dark. 

    Thank you so much.. All the feelings aside it sounds so logical, clear and smart. And it makes me feel a lot better that you and other people here say he's probably unstable. I hope it doesn't make me unstable but just desperate and lonely like you say.. 
    As for the age, it just seemed like a nice fact to me. It's just all the major things I'm interested in, literature, guitar, piano, hiking, football, love for the cold, snow and mountains, some other little things - it's exactly what he does and loves too. And you are right, it's just on the surface. But I fell for it as I've never had this much in common with everyone, even if on the surface..
     Thank you again for your reply, it made me head a lot clear! I still feel something for him as we keep chatting like friends but I feel a lot better after reaching out on here. A lot clearer. And such a beautiful saying about the sparks!!!

  8. On 7/23/2021 at 11:23 PM, Jibralta said:

    That always happens in situations like this. It's because your feelings got all riled up. That's what hormones do. They try to convince you to mate by messing with your common sense. Mother Nature doesn't care who you sleep with. She just wants you to reproduce.

    Have you ever heard of Cupid's Arrow, or seen it portrayed in cartoons (especially the old ones)? The character is minding his/her own business and suddenly BAM! Cupid shoots them with an arrow and they start acting stupid. 

    I've heard of it, yes:) And you are right, it does seem like I was struck by such an arrow as it happened so fast and unexpected. And is a really cruel thing..

  9. 2 hours ago, LaHermes said:

    Precisely Ms. C. 

    The fast and furious start-up is a very bad sign, OP.  Stable, sane people don't do that.

     

    If he isn't stable or sane, he's incredibly kind and interesting, warm and nice and we have tons in common. It hurts that I lost him, that my mistake gave him a push and killed any of his feelings for me.. I wouldn't turn him away for being unstable.. It doesn't define him as a person.. I think

  10. 4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

    But you fell quickly for the online cheater too. 

    Instead of thinking you have to have a man in your life, how about taking some time off to figure out what you really want?

    It took me a month to feel like I had a crush on that guy. But it wasn't strong, I felt okay. When I came to this site with that post it was already 10 months later after we met. And I was infected by suddenly contacting me.. 

    I've been single and confused for 1,5 years now.. I know what I want, I want to feel loved.. 

     

  11. 4 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

    It very likely didn't, actually. 

    People who come on that strong so fast usually have issues, OP. Issues that make a real relationship very difficult or impossible. Or, they burn out and disappear as quickly as they crash-landed in your life. 

    The chances that this would have developed into something beautiful are very slim. Dude souonds like he's got a couple screws loose. 

    Even if so.. Why does it hurt so bad.. It's just we have so many things in common as we talked lots in the beginning, I fell in love with his smile we are even of the same age. He literally just texted me that all the romantic feelings are gone for him. It's just I can't stop sending him big messages saying how sorry I am and how much I regret.. He says "I'm so sorry you are hurting so much, but it's me who should be apologizing, not you". As I keep saying sorry for hurting him.. I'm just so so sad, each day is worse. I kinda felt like this with every guy, it seems stupid if I think about it but it's true. I liked very few guys in life, this new. Guy is the fourth but most definitely I have more things in common with him than with everyone else (even though I felt like this about everyone) but it's true, I do have more with him and it hurts to lose it. I felt so happy with him during first days.. We talk like friends and play chess online but it seems like it's everything he wants from me - play chess. But it hurts that I'm only a chess pal now. From being a very special girl for him (as he said that he never fell so quickly for anyone and I believe it) I'm now a chess pal. So fast and so rapid.. 

     

  12. 4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

    Why do you think you fall for men you don't even know so quickly? Do you feel your life is empty without a man?

    That's actually the first time I fell so quickly for someone..:(

  13. 1 hour ago, SooSad33 said:

    Right.  You are confused.

    For your ex to say to you NO arguments.. for a year (w/e), that's ridiculous!  Every couple argues.  That is expected!  But, I think it just became too much of it - he wasn't happy anymore.

     

    As for this new one, I understand how much you enjoyed him & his company, but it was so 'short lived'.  No one comes to 'love' in that short of a time.  It was just words.. Love develops over time.  He did not love you, nor you, him... It was a fast action, excitement for you both.  But, in the end, it did end and BOOM - he's with someone else ... He's weird!  And not for YOU.

    And, as it sounds, is you are still hugely into your ex anyways.. so this would not have worked for you. 

    Okay, so you are single.. Does NOT mean no one will ever 'want you'.  This is your frame of mind right now because of these experiences you have had.

    You can't be thinking of getting involved again anyways at this time.  you need to feel okay again, first! And you're not.

    Not, until you know you are over your ex.. and not 'hurting' or wishing him back anymore.

    So, all is up to you - I guess, if you feel you must remain as 'friends;, so you will (your choice) .. But, this is what often causes these ongoing issue's- because things have never been 'cut clean', to where you are truly away from him in order to heal properly.

    Maybe, someday, you may feel okay again, will just take longer.

    But, please remain single for a while.. no 'searching' because you're lonely.. or you will keep on feeling 'lost & hurt', as you already are?

    One should never try to get involved again, UNTIL they know they have no more feelings for a past relation. - Then you CAN feel right and step into it whole heartedly.

     

     

    I think so too! And I told him so many, many times - every couple fights. But he wants something impossible. But I just don't understand, if he's not happy anymore, why giving me hopes that we can be together if we stop fighting, why not release me from this sad and losing game. He keeps my near and I feel guilty each time I meet someone I might like, I feel chained. Yet I can't just throw him out as he feels like my best friend/brother to me. And he says the same about me. He says he wants to support me and be there for me. But you are right, I need to be really away to heal, to move on. But it's just impossible to do, I tried

    The thing is, with this new guy I got scared and came back to my ex. And only after I lost the new guy (told him I agreed to try with the ex (just trying, my ex didn't ask me to be his girlfriend again but simply to e a good girl before I can apply to be a gf)) only then I realized that I'm ready to move. But the new guy won't take me back now, as he moved on, really really fast he moved on. But I felt very, very happy with him, whatever it really was, huge interest, attraction or what, I felt loved and very happy. I haven't felt that way in 1,5 years. I'm just tired of being single. Tired of working for a relationship. I needed to lose someone really nice and kind to understand I'm ready to move on and step into something whole heartedly. But that's the thing, I lost that someone really nice and kind, the new guy. I understand it happened really fast, we are just two 23y.o. kids who felt strongly for each other. But he doesn't feel that anymore, when I do. That's what hurts

     

  14. 49 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

    Are either of these men the guy you were communicating with online who has a girlfriend? I hope not. I hope you stopped all communication with that cheater.

    This new guy seems to be into fantasies rather than reality. No one falls in love in a day or two and then falls out of love that quickly. He's full of it. And your ex seems like he's impossible to please.

    Neither is a good option, IMO.

    Gosh no! I don't communicate with that lying cheater anymore and thanks to all the wise and kind people here! Can't believe how stupid I was back then, just a month ago. People here helped me tons to get him out of my head really fast and opened my eyes. But after I had a crush on him I felt really really guilty and confessed about it to my ex.. He said he needed time to process it but he was alright. As I was crying a lot and asking for forgiveness.. Even though he dumped me 1,5 years ago and I had a whole right to try move on
    So this time as well, the exact thing happened.. I know it's really fast and not really love on both of our sides with this new guy, just strong attraction. But I got scared and confused and thought I only wanted to be with my ex. Turned out I wasn't, turned out I'm ready to move but it cost me something probably beautiful with the new guy. Yes, we fell for each other really quick and it disturbs me that he fell out of it just as quickly. But the thing is it's really hard as I've never had SO much in common with someone, not with anyone ever. Even though we really just met, we talked all days long first week and just couldn't get enough. I miss him being into me, missing me. Because he isn't into me now, doesn't miss me. But I'm hugely into him and miss him (we barely talk now as I bombarded him with "I'm sorry" messages and he  just didn't know what to say except that he can't control his feeling and can't come back. So it really hurts
    But you made me smile saying my ex is impossible to please. I never thought of him like that but it's just so incredibly right! 

  15. 9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

    You use the word "fight" a great deal. Do you have a tendency to be combative and moody?

    An ex or new dating situation won't help that. You keep repeating yourself over and over and over. Fight, fight, fight.

    How is your home life? Do you work/go to school? Do you get along with your parents? Why do you see your world as some kind of war?

    Perhaps it's time to get evaluated by a physician about the moods, combativeness and all the other self respect problems.

    Ongoing support from a qualified therapist would help you a lot more than hanging on to people who don't want you around.

     

    No, actually not, I wouldn't say I'm combative and wouldn't say I'm moody. I was very very stressed 1,5 years ago and picked up lots of fights with my ex. So he dumped me. Since then all the fights happened because he didn't want to take me without conditions. He said we would have a chance if only not fights. That has been kind of offensive ever since as if I don't deserve unconditional love 
    Plus he says he doesn't want me out of his life, he says he wants to be there for me, support me. I don't hang on to him

  16. 1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

    Whoa, OP - slow down. 

    Anyone saying they're in love with you after 14 days is not in an emotionally-stable place. And neither are you. You and this new guy are trying to fill pre-existing voids with each other, but it is not love. You hardly know each other. 

    You're spinning because are you still in love with your ex and trying to forget about him by replacing him with another guy, but you can see that it doesn't work like that. The new guy is right to call this off, as you're clearly not ready to date anyone yet. But it likely would have crashed and burned anyway - way too intense, way too quickly. It's lust and fear of being alone, not love. 

    Take time by yourself. Process this break-up. Cut contact with your ex. But don't date yet. It's going to be a disaster until you're over your ex. You won't attract the right type of guys until you're in a healthier emotional place.  

    That's true, we hardly know each other and he actually said "I know it's been only two or three days since we met but I almost want to tell you I love you" and I felt similar. First I asked him that maybe it was just strong attraction and he said probably so. But after I made my mistake and jumped between him and my ex he said he was in love. Ah, I knew it anyway, I knew he was because I was too

    But I've been single for 1,5 years now, I thought I wasn't over my ex and it cost me this potential new relationship to understand that I was over my ex. I truly am. I love my ex no more than a best friend or brother for all the support he gave me since we broke up. But the new guy won't take me back now and you say he's right to do so.. But I can't.. It hurts so badly that he won't, that he moved on, that he's not in love anymore (or whatever it was it's gone) but I'm not. My feelings for him remained and got bigger and are getting bigger. And so is the feeling of regret and pain.. 

  17. 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

    Why are you fighting so much?

     

    With my ex? Surprisingly just about our relationship. He dumped me 1,5 years ago but we never stopped talking and supporting each other. But since he dumped me I couldn't move on and asked him to take me back multiple times. He never did but he made conditions - I don't cause fights and never am moody and then we might have a chance. Humiliating in a way. But each time he'd offer that it'd be through a fight. I wanted him to fight for me, I I kept saying it's not real love if it has to be conditional. He'd never give in, so I had to work on myself, be less moody and cause no fights. And for some time I would but then I'd come to him and it would turn out that not enough time has passed or still too many fights happen (when very few in my opinion) and then I would flip because of it, that it's not enough, that he won't take me back. And it'd start all over again. Now though I don't need it as I fell for someone else, at once.. 

     

  18. 7 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

    Sadly, this is way too much going on for you ūüėē¬†

    No, it is not love.  Is like lust.  Huge interest in the beginning, only.

    What YOU need is to NOT be contacting your ex anymore.  Do not be telling him of your encounters/ experiences, etc.  He need not know any of that.

    As you see, this with him is making YOU feel miserable etc.. Then, why? 

     

    Whatever's up with this guy - is not on you.  He sounds just as messed up.  Being involved with someone a cpl weeks does not affect them that badly, if one admits they're not as into it...

     

    Ahh. No.

    YOu just can't do this - be friends with an ex.  Not, unless or until you know you're over them!  You are far from there...

    And this is very unhealthy, jumping between these two guys ... you are not 'stable' in the least at this time.

     

    This other guy was a 'quick trip' and rebound, to TRY and hide feelings of your ex- doesn't work!  

     

    Regret isn't killing you... your loss is.  Of your ex.

    He moved on & you can't.. of course not.. You are not ready to do that.  You have nothing to give someone new.

    You need some serious 'down time', to work on grieving properly & healing.

     

    Now, how to you move on?  You remain single a good while to work thru all of your emotions & to heal.

    You do NOT deal with the ex at all anymore.  No more contact.. Nothing.

    It takes time.. and less you know the better, in order to 'move on' again, with your own life.

    Journal, that helps you 'release' in a good way.. say all you want & feel that way.  Hang with friends, get outside, get some air.. cry if you must, it's okay.

    But give yourself time.. on your own.

     

    I just don't want to believe it was just huge interest in the beginning as it hurts really badly. Yes, it came really really fast, his feelings, and I responded just as fast too. Although he says he was in love (now he says he WAS in love that is) it did go away fast so maybe you are right.. Just interest confused with love.. Yet he did say he was very, very into me. We texted a lot and he missed me if I went away working for 40 minutes, he texted me during the night saying he missed me. And it hurts so much he doesn't do it anymore. Doesn't miss me. He barely texts me now. Although we agreed to be friends and I know I hurt him, I just LOVE talking to him so very much. I miss him. I understand things changed and he can't be sweet with me anymore. But I miss it so much

    But I wrote it really confusing in my post. I regret, hugely regret, coming back to my ex and then telling the new guy that. I was confused and thought I wanted my ex only. But then realized that I didn't. I was just confused. And I regret that because it hurt the new guy and he moved on and doesn't want me anymore. That's what I regret. As for my ex, we've been separated for 1,5 years now but we never stopped talking and yes, I couldn't move on and he made me conditions - a relationship in exchange of no fights. And for 1,5 years I was trying to do just that, cause no fights to deserve love. I just got used to it although it hurt me badly and we fought lots about it too - that he made me fight for him, a pun, when he never fought for me and only made me work for a relationship. But I can't cross him out and throw him out of my life. He's my best friend as he was there for me through many hardships, he talked to me when I was broke and anxious not being able to find a job, when my grandpa died in April, and my other things, small and big. We talk every day (text, very rare calls) and we come to each other for support. He feels like a family member, like a brother. I can't stop contact with him as he feels I'm his family too. But that's the thing. I've been single for 1,5 years now. I found someone I really really liked, I got scared and came back to my ex like a chained dog feeling like I was cheating. And when I did, when I told my ex about the new guy and he offered his thing again - don't cause fights then we'll have a chance, after I told the new guy that I agreed - only then I realized that I'm ready to move on. But now no one wants me, the new guy doesn't want me after what I had done. He moved on, I can't and don't really want to as I still have hopes to be with him.. So it hurts badly he doesn't want to be with me anymore.. I miss him, his smile and the way he was when he was in love

     

  19. 7 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

    Infatuation, not love. Common for start of relationship but also goes back really quickly as soon as first dissapointment starts. In his case, you going back to your ex. Cant really blame the guy, you started something, then you got back with your ex, told him that and then broke up with ex and asked him to take you back. No sane guy would take you back after that move. Just saying its not love when his feelings where just gone in an instant.

    You still havent gotten over your ex. Therefore in no state to date anybody. Resolve that first. That means dont try to get back together with him. Heck, dont contact him at all. You cant move on with him constantly there. In time, yes, but right now you need to resolve that issue first.

    Also

    this sounds like depression. Would really reccomend to seek therapy if its gotten that far

    To be honest it soothes me a bit, thinking that maybe it was infatuation. It's just I never ever fall for anyone quickly, it takes me a lot of time and with my ex I made sure to pace myself afraid that it wouldn't be serious. But it's just this time it happened so fast that it seems special. That guy I met 2 weeks ago seems special, during first week we talked really lots. And I found out so many things about him that I loved. He also said so many nice things. We are even of the same age, he's just 1,5 months older than me. He said I was kinder to him than any stranger before, he said he was walking around with a "stupid happy smile" on his face all day long. He sent me a photo and I just loved that smile. He said I was giving him butterflies in his stomach. I loved hearing it but at some point, a week after talking to him, I got scared and that's why rushed to my ex, as to the safe place. I mistakenly thought that I loved only him. So I told them both the truth and realized that no, I love my ex no more like a brother. But now it's too late. You say that he won't take me back, no sane guy would, and it just hurts so badly. And so surprisingly badly as I really don't know him much, I only know like 1% percent about him. But I love that 1%. It hurts that he doesn't need me anymore, my kindness, or me making him smile. It hurts that I don't do it for him anymore but I want to. You said it's not love if his feelings were gone in an instant, that's true. It took him just 24 hours to move on. Although on the day when I told him the truth he said he was having a really hard time moving on, feeling great emptiness and a hole inside, he said that no one has my wit and sense of humor. On the next day he didn't need my wit or sense of humor or anything.. But the thing is it's not for me. It's been already a little more than a week. We barely talk with this new guy as he said he wanted to be friends - I stayed. But I can't stop hurting, I want to be with him and it hurts that he doesn't want it. His feelings came fast and went away just as fast. My feelings came fast but they don't go away, it feels like my feelings for him and my pain is only bigger and worse... 

     

  20. 5 minutes ago, mingoo said:

    i know how you feel cryingduckie. when one of my ex broke up with me, i fell into depression. i try to do everything towards one person and they go away. i felt hopeless. 

    what i would do is to slowly build yourself up. this was your first love right? you're gonna experience this along the way. divorce, multiple breakups, etc. it will all end soon. you're gonna be happy again.

    You are very right.. Thank you.. 

    • Like 1
  21. Just now, mingoo said:

    hey, i dont have the best advice but i can at least give you a little hope...

    please remind yourself that you're a powerful woman. this gives you time to focus on yourself. 

    this will all be over soon. one day or another. i promise.

    -mg

    Thank you but I'm really not.. I always feel like I don't deserve anyone or anything. I had no dignity in my previous relationship as I had to fight for it, for my ex, but he never fought for me, only made conditions.. And if I was powerful I wouldn't feel like a dog, coming back to the owner again and again.. But thank you... 

     

  22. Hey there.. Wishing everyone well and thank you so much in advance for any reply! 

    So how do I start.. 3,5 years ago I started dating a guy but we broke 1,5 years ago because of the fights. I was hurt but he kept saying that if we stop fighting then we might have a chance again. It was humiliating but since then that's what I've been trying to do - be a good girl and fight less because I was still in love with him and wanted to get back together. But no matter how little we fought, whenever I came to him asking to take me back it never was good enough, he wanted no fighting whatsoever, so each time I got hurt and snapped and it started all over again. But for some months I've been trying to move on yet kept talking to my ex. He knew I've been trying to move on

    Then 2 weeks ago I met someone and to my surprise he fell in love with me and I fell in love with him incredibly quickly, as we have tons in common and generally felt so attracted to each other. I got really scared of it and I felt as if I was cheating on my ex which is crazy. So I came to my ex and told him about it as I felt really guilty. And I felt like I was still in love with him. He said that we can only get back together if we stop fighting. Confused and scared I agreed to be miserable in that humiliating trying again. So, of course, I told the guy I met two weeks ago. And he got really hurt. I was hurt too because after I agreed I felt like it was a mistake as it was a mistake each time I agreed to be good and cause less fights before. The new guy said he felt empty and that he had a giant hole inside and it just hurt me badly to hurt him like that. I immediately regretted agreeing and I tried to get out of my ex's offer as much and as fast as I could. Unhappy I caused a fight and three days after agreeing I told my ex that I only want to be friends. But the thing is, on the next day after I told the new guy the truth he told me he already moved on. I was surprised by that, but I didn't tell him I was trying to end it with my ex. The new guy said he was trying to be man about it. The next day he told me his love, his feelings are in the past. I told him I ended it with my ex. He was very very sorry and sweet and worried for me. But he didn't take me back as his feelings are already gone. And so since then I die a little bit inside. We don't talk much with the new guy although during happy first days we were talking all night long about everything in the world, about meeting too, and watching sunset together. I was scared and confused and made a mistake and regretted it immediately and tried to get out. But after I made the mistake - I realized things. I realized that I'm somehow addicted to my ex, feeling guilty when trying to move on although. Since I told the new guy the truth, I've had a hole inside me and it's just growing non stop, it's overwhelming. All day I sit and want to close my eyes and forget that I even exist or every 5 minutes it just gets so extremely loud I get up and want to throw myself on the bed. I don't know if time heals, it seems like it's only getting worse, that empty feeling inside is only getting bigger and worse. And it hurts so bad that he moved on so fast. He says he can't control his feelings. He cant bring them back. I'm back to just the way my life was before I met him (alone but fine, I wasn't desperate for a relationship) but different, with the feeling that someone ripped my heart out. Regret is killing me. It's only worse and worse, I feel stupid more and more every day. I want to be with him but he moved on and I can't. A stupid mistake. I don't develop feelings for people easily. My ex was my first boyfriend and before him I never liked anyone so much or even fell in love. It was incredibly hard when he dumped me. But this time I developed feelings so fast it scared me. And I'm having a hugely hard time moving on, I just can't and I don't really want to move on. I keep hoping that he'll come back. Even though he says he doesn't feel that way for me anymore. We barely talk, I feel like I annoy him, he only wants to play chess (online) and be friends

  23. On 6/17/2021 at 1:01 AM, Andrina said:

    You're going to have to change this about your life. Even introverts need friends. You can't have a bf be the sole center of your universe. That's too smothering for him--too much pressure that he's your only social outlet. And not healthy for you, as won't you feel as though your world is falling apart if you have no other support system if a breakup happens?

    And only broken people will be attracted to you when you are not a well-rounded person with friends, hobbies/interests, and a fulfilling life besides wanting a romantic companion.

    So the few guys you dated weren't good matches? Totally normal. That's the point of dating--to see if you want to continue with someone or not. It doesn't mean living in cyber space la-la-land will spare you those hurts or frustrations. In fact, it's worse because you get overly involved with an unknown person without seeing the reality of what local dating would show you far sooner. 

    And stick to being an ethical person for better results. If you wouldn't want a girl online to be flirting with your bf, don't engage in that activity yourself. It's selfish, it's self-sabotaging, and two wrongs will never result in happily ever after. He knows you have a crush on him and that he's doing something wrong by going behind his gf's back to speak to you. That's a crappy thing to do and you know it. He's no prize so take off those rose-colored glasses. In doing what's ethically right, you'll have better success with your goals rather than expecting any happiness will come from having an emotional affair.

    I can't express it enough how much I'm grateful for your reply! It feels like you read a huge psychology book on my case and summarized the most important things for me‚̧

    That's true and it did happen to me before, my ex bf was the center of my life before and after the breakup my life fell apart into tiny pieces. I tend to be like this about every guy, he gets in my head and he's everything I can think about, everything I do is to be closer to him and such. I know it's wrong but I have a problem with making friends either. Well, hopefully when lockdown ends and I go back to the office I'll make a couple of friends but unfortunately it's under a big question as it's hard for me

    Nonetheless, you are incredibly right about the ethical side of this issue. I did a bad thing and then regretted it very much. And now I've done the same thing (although I don't know for sure if he has a gf still but it's still a possibility) and feel bad again. The same mistake with the same person and I understand that. I'm very weak and I feel bad to refuse him in chatting or sending selfies and such. Foolishly I let myself be led on 

  24. On 6/17/2021 at 1:05 AM, Wiseman2 said:

    Unfortunately, he's not a good person either if he is chatting/flirting with you and has a GF.

     You can and will find the right type of guy if  you are careful of red flags and have appropriate screening criteria.

    You are so very right, I did the same mistake twice with the same guy and didn't learn anything.. I will though.. 

  25. On 6/17/2021 at 8:07 AM, MissCanuck said:

    Yeah, how kind of him to chat up another woman on the internet when he has a girlfriend. 

    I don't mean to be harsh, but you need to get your head out of the clouds about this guy. He's not the perfect specimen you imagine him to be. You have him on a pedestal because you admit you have little to compare him to. But really good guys? They don't do crap like this. 

    He's not avilable to you. You are starting to treat this like you're dating, but you are not. He's a shady guy with a girlfriend who looks for a little side ego-stroking. It's best you stop contact with him, because it will only hurt you. The chances that he's going to leave his girlfriend for a woman he met online are slim-to-none, and then where will you be? 

    Time to unplug and detach from him, and work on meeting people locally. You need the socialization, it seems, so find some local interest groups and like-minded people. Shutting yourself away and chatting up some taken dude on the internet is not the path to happiness, OP. 

    Thank you.. Your advice is like a bucket of hold, sobering water.. In a good way, I mean! I know you are right and I will try to follow your advice as much as I can.. It just seems so hard because we have a lot of things and views in common. Except for this issue with chatting to me while he has a gf, he seems good and kind. But to be honest, your replies helped me to open my eyes wide and I start to get a little angry that he used me as an ego booster. But the problem is I get a but angry and decide to ignore him and throw him out of my head, and then I start to remember how we played "guess a Beatles song by saying the lyrics" during FaceTime and it warms my heart and my heart starts resisting to admit the bitter truth. But thank you so much!!! You helped me hugely to get on the way of sobering up and recovering! 

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