So this may be long and I apologize in advance. Recently my gf and I split up after a long relationship. We first met maybe 14 years ago. We dated for a few years about 2 years after we met and then broke up (I ended it. I just felt she wasn’t the one at the time). I really didn’t ever think we’d end up back together but she actually reached out to me a couple of years after the breakup and we almost did date again but she was afraid to get hurt. We sort of stayed in touch after but only talked every so often. But we were so close. Good friends at that point.
Until about 4 years ago we were both out of other relationships and decided to give it another shot. Since then we’ve kinda been on and off I guess. For different reasons. But we are so close and were such good friends we could never completely let go. So the past almost 2 years we’ve been on. And I planned on proposing this year. Part of the problem was me not getting off my ass soon enough with stepping to the plate with that. And she was right about that. There were other issues too though.
The middle of last year I just started feeling really sad in the relationship. I was even more sad that I was sad! Because I wanted this to be it. At one point before that I thought it was it and I was so happy. I get relationships are up and down and nothing is perfect. But there was just something else missing I felt. But I loved her so much. One of the main issues was honestly her social awkwardness. I guess it wasn’t the worst but she was very quiet when I took her out. And I am an extremely social person. I always envisioned my partner being social too. Not that I wanted to be with the life of the party or anything but someone I want to bring out and I’m excited to go on a double date with cause I knew it would be fun. And I didn’t exactly have that with her. And it doesn’t make her a bad person at all. We even talked about it a bit and it helped somewhat but I realize she is who she is and i can’t change her completely. This made things tough for me in the relationship but I didn’t want to be picky or shallow so I tried to fight through it. I loved so many other things about her.
But we almost broke up in august of last year because of my sadness until she wrote me a beautiful email about us and our relationship. It made me so sad and I saw the way she felt about me. And we stayed together. I thought to myself I’d propose next year (now this year). I was happy.
And then a couple months later things started getting a little dicey. Nothing too terrible I guess but the tables sort of switched and she seemed unhappy. I was trying to make things better but I think she started to resent me for certain things (dragging my feet, for feeling unsure sometimes in the past, not being affectionate enough). And i totally understood her frustration with me sometimes. She thought I was settling she said and she didn’t feel wanted. But I was trying to correct that.
We even went to couples therapy this year. And I wanted to show her I was serious. We looked at rings together. I started bringing up where we wanted to get married etc. I thought things were getting better. I still had my doubts. The social thing bothered me amongst some other things. But I still bought a ring despite those doubts. I didn’t want to be that guy that can’t make a commitment. And I did truly love her! Picturing life without her was hard.
We had good moments these past couple of months but it was tough too. She ended up breaking up with me like 3 times. 2 times I sort of begged for her back. And the 3rd time I really thought it was done. And actually at that point even though I was very sad, I really sort of felt ok the next day. I thought to myself I could move on. I tried to make a full commitment and it just didn’t work. And some of the stress from those doubts were now gone. Maybe now I could meet someone new where there was even less doubt! I know ideally there should be NO doubt but I know people who have happy marriages even when there was some doubt going in.
The thing is she came back AGAIN. Only this time I basically said no. I mean it was hard. I first said let’s just try a week without talking because it seems we always do this back and forth thing. After the week I didn’t know what I thought anymore. I mean I had a ring that was almost done in the shop and purchased for. It was killing me that something in my gut told me it wasn’t right. She was the closest person to me in my life. I’m 38. She’s 33. We’ve invested so much time. Why couldn’t this be it?!? I know some of it has to do with my general anxiety which I know I have.
We ended up breaking up and it was so sad. And it didn’t end exactly well as she sent me a lot of nasty texts days later saying that she’ll never forgive me. I was doing ok for a bit but then it hit me a week or 2 after. It felt like that was our last ever chance. I’ve been a wreck for awhile since. I guess it’s been a little over a month now. I wail crying many days. I miss her like crazy. I’m second guessing if I did everything right. Whether I should have accepted her back when she came back again. Nothing is perfect. Was I being too picky about the social aspect?
And trust me, that wasn’t the only problem. She could fly off the handle very easy (hence her breaking up with me 3 times like very impulsively). But I think I would have dealt with many of the other problems or had less doubt if it wasn’t for the social aspect. I wish that didn’t bother me and I really tried to ignore it because there was a lot of good. And sometimes I was wondering if I was overthinking the social aspect cause of my general anxiety. I mean she did do a lot of sweet things for me as well. She could make me laugh so much and we were so comfortable with each other.
I’m debating reaching out again as it’s been so hard and I’m wondering if I can really meet someone who loved me like she did and someone I am so comfortable around. Maybe we can just take a leap of faith together. Maybe I’m just anxious about getting married and that’s my doubt but once I go through it I will be happy that I did! Like my doubts will be subdued. It’s better than being alone. I’ve been trying to date and it’s not easy.
Any advice? My therapist said I should give it more time and look at through another lens. Maybe she’s right but I’ve read on other threads about people saying you shouldn’t give up because of some basic relationship problems (boredom, argument, doubts). So I’m just torn. Given my age it makes it harder.
TL;DR: on and off gf now done after many years but having some regrets and in deep depression. Should I call her?