My (M46) girlfriend (F28) has difficulty opening up sexually because of fear of commitment, but I'm wondering if there's other guys in the picture.
I (M47) am dating a girl (F29) since four months. We are very much in love and things have been great from the beginning. We don't notice the age difference at all when we are together, we feel completely equal intellectually. We are however in a different stage of life, which is logical. But we have a great click and things are pretty serious (we have each others keys, plan holiday together, meet each others family etc.)
As it comes to sex, things started very slow. Which is ok, I don't think there's a need to rush anything when you first meet. The first two months there was just a lot of hugging and kissing and sleeping over, but no intercourse. There was a lot of touching and romantic words from my side, but she wouldn't show any initiative to touch me or to go any further. Although she did say she liked it a lot and she got turned on by it.
But after three months I started to wonder if maybe something was wrong, since we continued to get more and more serious. I felt a bit confused if we were perhaps entering a platonic relationship? I decided to ask her directly why she wouldn't touch me. She replied she was just a bit weird like that and that she found it difficult to fully surrender physically. I asked her if she maybe wasn't attracted to me physically? No that was not it. I then asked her if she maybe had a bad sexual experience in her past that made her scared to fully open up sexually? No that also was not the case. I then asked her if there maybe was somebody else that she (still) liked or has feelings for? I mean, maybe she was dating someone before we met that she wasn't fully over with, or was still thinking about? I can imagine that can also be a reason for a 'physical blockade'. But no that was also not it she said.
She eventually told me that she had been in a relationship for two years which had ended very suddenly. Her boyfriend kicked her out of the house one morning without any warning or explanation, saying he was simply done with her. And that she's scared something similar might happen again now that we are getting so serious. Since that happened she had been single for two years and had been dating some guys, until she met me and we got 'serious'.
A few weeks went by and we had another talk about how she felt she's a bit hesitant to fully commit (sexually) because of being scared I would also leave her all of a sudden, but ALSO because she doesn't know for sure if she's ready to give up her 'newly' found freedom she enjoyed the past two years after breaking up with her ex. Being able to do whatever she wants, go to parties, meet new people, date different guys. Travel by herself, etc. I told her I understand that if she's not ready to commit again she should perhaps just be single again? I said I would be sad if it ended between us, but I can't force her into anything she's not ready for right? But during all this time (we are past three months now) we are still together almost every day, telling each other constantly how much in love we are, sleeping over, hours of hugging and kissing and being 'boyfriend&girlfriend' socially.
Strange enough, after we had that talk, things started to go better. We started to have sex regularly and talking about our future. Plan a holiday together, exchanging house keys, fantasising about living abroad together for a few years. We are four months together now and things look solid.
But... still every now and then when we are romantic in bed, she sometimes says she has no libido and apologises for it and 'blames' it again on fear of commitment. For me it's a bit frustrating, although I give her all the space she needs. But I also think at 29 years old she should be in her sexual prime and if we are really serious why this constant hesitation? I made it clear many times that I'm serious with her, I am done fooling around (I'm 47, I've calmed down already). All I can think is that she still longs to her 'single' lifestyle a bit?
Now comes the part I struggle with a bit. I have been off social media for a few years, but recently decided to log in again and see what's going on. Also I was curious what my girlfriend had been posting online since we met. I never asked and was never bothered to know. Of course her being 29 she's into instagram a lot. On her profile I found nothing special, although I noticed she posted nothing about me or us.
I did notice one very sexy picture (it stands out because all other posts are not sexy at all), her posing in tight jeans and a bra, about 2 months into our relationship. I had never seen this picture before, and I never received a picture this sexy from her so far. (We do send each other selfies almost every day, but never sexual ones). In the comments there's one guy reacting with the smiley with two hearts as eyes, and her replying 'darling' and a smiley with a kiss/mouth. I don't know who this guy is and she never mentioned his name. I checked and she has been commenting 'hearts' on all his posts the past 12 months. Also there's one other guy she's been commenting 'hearts' on a lot of pictures and continued to do so until now.
I feel a bit betrayed in a way. Why is she taking a picture like that and doesn't send it to me, the guy she's dating/spending nights with, but instead posts it online? And doing that while she 'has trouble' opening up sexually with me. Is it weird for me to feel a bit fooled?
Also, should I confront her with this? I do like to know who these two guys are, and if it has anything to do with her fear of commitment. When I think a 'bad' scenario, was my initial feeling right that perhaps she was still 'busy' with someone else while we were having sexless sleepovers?
Things are going great between us, but I can't help wondering if she's still in touch with other guys?
How should I read this? Am I seeing ghosts? Is she lying to me about why she didn't want to have sex the first three months?
Would I ruin the good vibes we have if I bring this up now? I am very much in love with her and she is with me. Should I just be wiser and older and let this go? Or should I ask her to show me her whatsapp and DMs in her phone for me to see who she is still in touch with?
I am pretty conservative when it comes to things like this. I was also dating before I met her, but the moment we kissed I removed all chats and numbers of any other women that could have romantic intensions. Is it fair to ask the same from her?
Thanks in advance for any advice how to deal with this!