EitherDare0

I’ve now found the only thing worse than loving someone, being with them, and losing them is…. Loving someone but simply always have it a what if. Never being enough. 
 

Yes I know it boils down to self respect and self love and not allowing someone to have that agency over me when they’re not willing to commit. Sometimes our hearts want what our mind knows is horrible. 
 

It’s especially cruel when you’ve let someone be. You’ve let them go. Then they can’t help but reach out to you. With someone else a proxy bc you blocked them. They have to talk to you in person. You tell them how painfully hard it is to see or hear from them but you’re willing to allow them that if it helps them heal.

They then have you over smiling ear to ear, dress up nicely, and proceeding to pour their heart out to you. Talk about how many things remind them of you. They dream of you. They beg you to come back into their life. Terrified of being hurt but knowing you want nothing more then to be with them, you do it. “If you love them let them go and if they come back…” am I right? Wrong!
 

Til a few weeks later they “need space” from you and can’t be around you bc there has been too much trauma and damage THAT THEY caused you. And they need to wipe the slate clean bc they’ve hurt you so much they feel guilty and can’t be around it. They can’t lay in the mess they helped make  

Now you’re left picking up the pieces with your scars torn wide open. Months long of healing gone.  Yet you have nobody to blame but yourself bc you knew the history and how they’d do this to you. Like and addict chasing their fix
 

Shoot me. (Metaphorically) 

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

She's still talking to this man? That's a red flag, but as you mentioned all you can do is observe. Don't get caught in anyone's on/off games with their ex. Yes, you can't tell her what to do but you can tell her you're not comfortable dating someone who's still involved with their ex. 

She broke up with him. It was sort of long coming and he knew it. She agreed not to block him but told him he can’t be contacting her unless it’s super important. I guess after a few weeks he didn’t honor that and did message her to stir her up. She told me she didn’t answer and since blocked him, but it stirred up some emotions. 

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

Who initiated the breakup with her ex, her or him? Any idea why?

She did. It’s been long coming. They’ve been growing apart for awhile. They were just trying to cling on and hope it would get better but it isn’t. She knows she needs better. So she finally pulled the plug. He knew it was coming. 

5 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Please tell me its not the same woman

Also are you in the habit of chasing "unavailable women"? In a means they are not really available for a relationship. You need to kick that out if you want a relationship. Being a rebound while she is still fawning over ex isnt fun and doesnt lead to healthy relationship.

Thankfully not same girl lol. 
 

Apparently I must be. I don’t mean to be. It seems all I can find is women who aren’t. I feel like I’ve tried pretty much any way to meet a partner and it always seems to be an issue. 
 

at times I feel like emotionally available women flock to me. I just feel I’m different than a lot of people nowadays. I do the things women say they’d want. Self reflection, I used to be too available and likely needy. If really dialed in on that part of myself and done much better. But I say the things. I do the acts of kindness not expecting anything in return. I try to life up and support. I don’t try and play games. I text back or call back when I’m free… I don’t sit on it for some game. I plan and do active things. Adventures. I’ve tried to live and I have become authentically what a lot of women say they want. But I think that’s gotten me used in the past 

6 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Why not just follow her lead with how much you see each other, etc. 

I do to an extent. But I’m a little on guard about being used. I’ve been used pretty good by someone else not all that long ago. They’d want me around when I’d be distant and then as soon as I was back in they’d turn cold. Hurt me a lot. So I am always a little cautious now of being someone’s shoulder to cry on for them to move to someone else or go back to an ex. 

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems to be going well. Try to be confident and relaxed. It's ok to slow it down if it's too much too soon, but you seem to be micromanaging the situation and her and her feelings out of your own anxiety. 

It's really not up to you to decide how long she needs to "heal". Please get a handle on the anxiety because doing this safety dance will push her away and your anxiety will create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You may actually push her right back to her ex because of hot cold behaviors and angst and coming across as guarded and controlling.

I appreciate it. I agree. It’s more the past hurt me speaking out. Scared to get hurt again. I’ve had some traumatic issues with some women the last few years (of which I am partly to blame). I’ve been alone, single, solely working on myself. So it’s a bit scary to feel these feelings of vulnerability again. 
 

I think I’ve done a good job not being over-anxious. We’ve communicated and had good talks. I told her I want to still see her but we should slow it down some. That I am very much to blame for why it’s been alot so fast. But that I see the potential in us and I don’t want to rush things. She was very receptive to it and agreed. I think it made her feel better too not feeling like she was on some quick countdown clock. 

7 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

How do you know this? 

I could kind of sense it. The other day she was about to bail on hanging out bc she said she was feeling a little sad. I guess he broke their agreed no contact and tried to guilt trip her. Which according to her she stood her ground but it understandably dug in there a little. She SHOULD block him for awhile but it’s not my place to tell her what she has to do. 

8 hours ago, Andrina said:

Why did you begin things in the first place when you knew her situation? You had sex twice and now you want to put on the brakes?

You have two choices. Either tell her that you two will go no contact and in 10 months, you will contact her and see if she is single and wants to give dating you a chance.

Or, continue dating her, knowing she will gradually be moving away from her feelings from her ex, as long as she blocked him as a contact, and hopefully growing to care for you in the way all couples want.

You are already invested too much to get out of this like a robot without feelings. Sorry, but you always have to be vulnerable when it comes to love interests. But do realize the psychology of your self-talk. Instead of telling yourself that taking a chance on someone is terrifying, tell yourself that the person is worth a shot, if in fact she is, and if it all falls apart, you're resilient enough to handle anything. Most experience heartbreak, and most go through the normal stages: mourning, healing, moving on. Feel confident you will do the same, since the alternative is living in a safe bubble--safe but lonely.

Because I’m human and I liked her. I’m not going to run away entirely. I don’t want to go no-contact for 10months.  I’m just trying to navigating seeing her while also allowing her space and time to heal. 
 

As for why we were intimate. Because we like each-other. Are attracted to one another. I didn’t say it was the wisest decision 

There’s a girl I’ve been seeing that I simply cannot get off my mind. 

She has not been out of a relationship for long, but I know there is something very special between us. Despite always being guarded I just knew in my heart she felt similar. Sure enough, 3 weeks ago she poured her heart out to me in a 3 page letter. 
 

But I KNOW she’s not ready. She’s only been single for 2 months from her 1 year (2 total as it’s an ex) relationship.

In the last 3 weeks I’ve seen her 4 times and it’s incredible. She seems so happy. However, she isn’t over him. I feel like the wise thing to do is take a step back. Slow it down. She agreed, but said she still wants me in her life. I voiced concern over not wanting to be used or a rebound. We’ve been intimate a few times but I put the brakes on that. I told her we need time and space as she needs to heal. 
 

I feel like it’s a tough balance bc I don’t want to be too close, get too attached and get burned if she goes back to her ex or something. I also don’t want to be so distant that she gets afraid of being alone and she goes back to her ex to avoid it (shouldn’t be my problem I know) 

I can’t stop thinking about her. I want to see her and talk to her everyday. But I can’t so I fight the urge. I don’t want to smother her. But the feeling I have when with her, I’ve never felt before. 

Her own sister told me she’s truly herself and happiest around me. That I bring out the best in her and would love for me to date her sister. 
 

Keeping an arms length sucks. I have never felt like this before. So strongly for someone that I just somehow know has the potential to be my soulmate. It freaking terrifies me. 
 

2 minutes ago, samgotti said:

Update: my GF called me and said that she fully agrees with me and that she hadn't viewed the situation from my POV and that she will cut off contact with him. 
 

If true and she seems honest, that's very mature of her. Now is time to see if her money is where her mouth is.

Best of luck,

OP, thing  you have to understand is most everyone on this app just thinks one should cut it off and runaway at the first issue. As if we aren't all humans....

Instead of the "run away find someone better" so fast like some say.

I would suggest giving it time. You told her you didn't feel comfortable, it's one thing to be a friend, but when he's asking how serious it is, he is clearly trying to meddle and she should see this. So if after that she is still not respecting you, then yeah.

I think you should tell her "Listen, have guy friends is fine, but it's different when you barely know them and they are already asking how serious your relationship is ETC. I do not feel comfortable with you hanging out with this specific guy for the very least that it's clear he has some ulterior motive. Lay that out there. If she doesn't care and still does it anyhow, then I would agree to be gone."

I would give it a minute to see how she reacts. 

He cheated on you. Maybe not physically (yet)

Can you accept this? He didn't even full back-out of the sex worker, just postponed it.

I am sorry but anytime I am in love with someone, I do not plan to sleep with anyone else. ESPECIALLY a sex worker, to me that's even more pathetic of him. 

You will never feel valued by this man again. Because you know, despite all the love you give, the sex etc... he was still going to run off to a hooker. Will you ever be able to reconcile with that?

37 minutes ago, junebug123 said:

She replied. I think there was confusion about who was suppose to text who. Maybe we are both acting like children I guess...

Im not sure if I’m in my head but I’m pretty sure I asked her to let me know her schedule. Then she replied we can take bikes out, then I gave her a thumbs up. 

Then she never let me know a day. And now I reached out to her, she finally says, “you have texted me ...”

Almost like she’s gas lighting me. Anyways, you guys are right I just need to be myself and stop worrying.

I do not think there was confusion from anyone but you lol.

You asked to see her, she sent you her schedule, as a gesture of "Yes, this is when I am free". She even threw out a little idea of bikes, demonstrating interest. To me it feels like the ball was mostly in your court here to follow through.

Then you texted her and she responds as if she has been waiting.

I don't think she is gas lighting you at all. She is waiting for you to man up and ask her out. 

You are super overthinking this. Take charge, ask her out.

5 hours ago, junebug123 said:

I went on two dates with this girl. I posted about her recently, things seemed to go fine each time and she seemed eager to meet. Recently, she asked me to go to a museum on Saturday after we hung out last Tuesday.

But it was scheduled to rained that day and she cancelled the day before. I told her I would check in with her incase it doesn’t rain but it ended up raining and then I asked her if she wanted to do something during the week. She replied letting me know her schedule.

It’s thursday night and she hasn’t let me know when’s she available to do something. She doesn’t have a particularly busy life, she works and goes to go the gym after work. My gut feeling is she’s either hanging out with friends or dating other people.

I know it’s soon but I felt like things were moving along smoothly and now it’s radio silence. I want to reach out, but I don’t want to act desperate and I feel like I left the ball in her court. 

What would you do in my situation?

Not sure why rain would cancel a date, was it an outside museum? Could you have edited the date then and done something else instead since you had planned to meet?

Anyhow, so you asked if she wanted to do something, and she sent you her schedule..... That seems like a likely yes my friend. So she is waiting for you to ask her, she literally sent you her schedule. 

Could she reach out? Sure, but she very well be thinking "Dang, I sent that guy my schedule to hang and he didn't say anything, maybe he's seeing someone else"

Ask her out already! 

41 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

It seems very conditional. As long he does what you think he should be doing, you can be friends? Surely there's more to him than just this one choice?

Of course, but I also don't respect when someone continually self-sabatoges their lives.

I would still be his friend, but I would not want to listen to any of the BS when she inevitably did it again. If he cannot respect himself, why should anyone respect him. Sometimes being the "Hey it's ok, you're still great" lovey dovey crap doesn't work.

Sometimes friends need to hear or see their stupidity. They need tough love. Not to always be told it will be ok....

7 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Yes, I saw your thread and it reminded me a lot of this one. Sorry, but true. But perhaps that's not fair to you. So, let me ask you a question: If your dude-friend got back with his toxic ex, would you stop being friends with him?

Probably less of friends yes. If I sat and listened to him trash her a ton, and show how much emotion and pain she caused him, and all that. And when there is zero good reason to get back he did anyhow, I would probably want to be around him less. I surely wouldn't want to sit and listen to it all over again when in inevitably happened again.

However, I think we both know, that part of the reason I would find it hard to be friends with the girl, is because I like her, and it would sting to know she got back with toxic EX person, and I wasn't good enough. I do not think I could ever deny that being a factor. Being friends with the opposite sex is tough. It can be done, but if feelings evolve, makes it very hard to remain friends sadly. Sometimes you cannot even control that. 

I get it's hard to stop caring, to not feel the pain she caused. To compare yourself to him, and wonder how and what does he have that makes her so into him and not you.

Ask yourself in reality, why do you care how they workout? Obviously, it's because you wanted that to be you. I get it... but she isn't your problem anymore. In fact, great chance their relationship goes down in flames too. If she can do it to you, she sure as shizz can do it to him too. In fact, she probably will. Or, heck he may come to realize she was willing to cheat with him, who says he isn't next?

End of the day. completely block yourself of her life. Do not know any of it, at all. 

Time, it's what you need, to heal. Keep busy, workout, new hobbies, travel, hang with friends. Eventually you won't give a crap what she's doing. She could be sleeping in a tent under a highway for all you care. But it takes time and you must completely distance yourself from her entirely. 

On 5/2/2022 at 3:31 AM, Jibralta said:

Depressing, isn't it? I mean, it says a lot about him and how he really sees you, how he probably views women in general.

I agree. Hopefully that isn't the case with him.

I don't think that's a fair statement at all. I have a friend, and her and I honestly were just friends. Then we grew a mutual crush on each-other. I like her, but I admit after hearing about her EX so much and how awful he was an unhappy she is with him.... I do not think I could be her close friend if she got back with him. Two reasons, one because I like her and it would sting a little if she got back with THAT GUY as much as she had terrible things to say. Two, because I would not want to be that shoulder to cry on when she got back and all the terrible reasons they broke up happen again. Sort of a, "You made your bed, now lay in it." 

That's ridiculous.

Simply put, if you are excluded that much from your partner... of 9 years, and you have been off and on again a bunch of times.

Do yourself a favor, find someone who treats you much better. 

I will be honest, I do not know anything about an online significant other.

So you two have never met? My only advice would be to NOT only internet date. Meet ladies in real life, that can fulfill your needs and be there. You really should not be fighting with an internet GF. 

I would say let that one go, you learned more about yourself, Improve who you are and meet women in the real world, as scary as that can be. 

6.5 years, she dumped him, and it's only been a month?

Yeah I am sorry, but I strongly advise you stay away. People get over things at their own pace, but that's insanely fast to start dating again after 6.5 years, problems before then or not.

I was only with my last GF 2.5 years, we were almost engaged, and when she broke up with me, and sort of betrayed me... it took me like 9months to actually be ready to see someone again, in a serious manner where I was not thinking about my EX.

In all liklihood he misses female interaction, simple things like dating... so he is looking to full that loneliness void, whether he consciously sees that or not. 

If you think you can maintain go with the flow, by all means, but 6.5 years, don't get too invested or you're likely setting yourself up for letdown 

I appreciate the responses.

Thing is, I don't mind taking things slow, being casual. I KNOW she is not ready for anything serious. I may not be either, but likely closer than her. Difference is, I feel a little betrayed because there is a big difference between "I am completely 100% done with my ex, blocked on everything but I just have to move on and need time" and the recent second guessing of that .

First step, I am definitely going to distance myself from her and it. Revert back to much less contact. Give her a chance to search her feelings without me in the present. It's likely good she's out of state for a few weeks. Distance makes you think.

Secondly, I am considering a potential (not anytime soon) sort of ultimatum. Not in some dramatic fashion. But, if she cannot spend time with me and take things slow towards more, then I am out. I am not here to be a shoulder to cry on, some rebound, or some make-do BF til she heals. 

She is going to have to learn that her actions likely determine where we are down the road. I won't be friend-zoned while she runs back to her ex.

Fair or unfair, we are past the point of no return. We are both very complicit in that.

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is she cheating on him or is he an "ex"?

He's an EX since December. Not sure how long exactly, but they had been dating awhile, enough that she admitted this is like the 4th time (and supposedly....) final time she broke up with him. She had a long list of reasons why.

Met a girl on facebook hiking group. Met her and a friend of hers, and we went on a hike. We had a good time, I thought she was cute and I felt she felt the same about me. We are both single.Over the course of a few weeks, we planned a few hikes together. We have a lot of fun together, chemistry was there, etc.

Then, she invited me on a 2 day Sedona trip, just her and I. We were to share an AirBnB. On the drive there we had a great time, there was a proverbial Elephant in the room. It culminate at the Airbnb, where we proceeded to sleep together. The passion/chemistry was intense. We slept together twice more the next day and had a great time in Sedona. On this trip I learned she was about 4months from breakup and was still dealing with her decision to end it. We agreed we liked each-other, but neither of us was wanting to pursue anything at this moment.

Over the course of the next few weeks, we went hiking together a lot. We did hookup on two more occasions, both very passionate etc. We certainly have a good connection. 

We did both agree it was a bit much, so we backed off the sex. We are friends, and the benefits was not really intended. We both agreed we didn't want to get too heavy into that. At this point I still didn't feel really anything. 

A week later, she invited me to go out Country dancing, which I found out was just her and I. We had a great time and we both again acknowledged there is something there, we have crushes on eachother. I came in to her place after, but although we both wanted it, we agreed no sex.

Two days later, we spent the whole day together. She admitted she had talked to her Ex the night prior and felt really depressed about it. I had such a terrible breakup with my ex, so I wanted to be there for her. I just spent the day with her at the pool, and we ended up taking a nap together in her bed later on. We then went out with friends and had a nice night. I certainly felt happy about it, but again, I felt more she was dealing with past trauma and I was happy to spend time with her and help her. 

Two days later, she invited me over to hot tub with her sister and friends. I then found out she was going back to visit family out of state for three weeks. 

Boom, this hit me like a ton of bricks. All of a sudden feelings came pouring in. I realize quickly, I had grown some feelings, but I hadn't realized it til that moment. 

For whatever reason, I just felt like before she left I had to tell her I liked her and was interested in more later on down the road, but zero rush as she isn't ready etc.

I did just that and she seemed to love it. Smiled, kissed me deeply, held me close for an hour etc. The desire to sleep together was strong, but again we both showed discipline and did not. But it was heavy, the attraction is there.

She is now gone on her trip, and we have snap-chatted a lot. Although, she did tell me she isn't sure what to do because she is scared to forgo her ex for good, fearing she is making a huge mistake. However, she said she really likes me too and does not know what to do. 

I have done a good job keeping composed, but now my feelings are clear to me. I think about her so much, it's pretty bad. 

I of course and terrified to get myself hurt, because I know she is not over her ex. I am not sure if I should run away, or give her space, or what. She is gone another 2.5 weeks.

My defense mechanism is telling me to run for the hills, but it's clear to me now I am definitely into this girl and although I know nothing significant would happen right now, there is a ton of potential because there is interest in eachother, she certainly likes me too.

Sorry for the length. Not really sure how to play this one.

6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Dating requires a really thick skin.  The only reason all those years of it were worth it to me was because I wanted a spouse and potential for a child.  I'm not a fan of people who post like that on social media - but I know many people think it's funny/cute whatever.

I always had a lot going on when I dated. And I prioritized finding a good match.  I remember there was one guy who thought he was all that because I think he was a doctor and a lawyer.  He told me on a Monday he'd call me on Wednesday to arrange a first meet.  He didn't. He called a few days later with no apology.  So I moved on.  If that was his first impression, well.... I was really strict about that reliability and follow through stuff.  It's served me well.

I'm sorry you're feeling so frustrated.  

Dating suuuuucks. Never thought I'd have to go thru it again. Really thought there for awhile I had met my soulmate, my last partner. Not sure I will ever have anything like it again... and even it apparently was far from perfect. 

Girl 1 is out. We talked tonight for 1.5hrs. She has a list of non-negotiable's, and out of all of them the only thing we weren't aligned on was religion. I am a christian, but not super religious. She is religious and wants a guy who is even more of a leader than she is. I'm open to more, but that's not enough. That's literally it, we are super compatible on all but one freaking thing, but it's a deal breaker for her. Which is completely her prerogative... but damn is it frustrating. 

I can never win. It's ALWAYS, something. Always.... Either there is someone else, or my schedule isn't enough, or my faith isn't enough, or they are moving, ALWAYS.

Must be nice to be a girl where you can just compile a list, and look for perfection because you'll have 10 more men in line waiting anyhow. Men, doesn't seem we have that luxury. 

I am a living embodiment of why men become broken, depressed, and turn into *** bags

SORRY IN ADVANCE FOR THE LENGTH OF THIS

I appreciate all the responses. It's just so frustrating. It doesn't seem to matter who it is, so often I feel like "just an option", nobody wants to make me a priority. Sometimes I don't know if I am thinking unreasonable, or if I am justified. I expect people to have lives, friends, things coming up... and if they are busy they have limited time and might only be able to do very little, trying to please everyone. But damn, it's ALWAYS something with women I am meeting. And there is no type I am going for besides I guess the fact they are all off Hinge dating app.

The sad reality is it seems so normal now to attract women more when you give zero ***. I do not want to paint all women the same or come off as a woman hater... but dang. I try to be cognizant of how I am towards new dates.... I want to seem interested obviously, but try to be self-aware to not come off too much. I don't just talk a game, I back it up. If I say I will take you out, I do it, I don't just talk and then get cold feet. 

It's like, do I take them at there word, or take them by their action. It's hard to discern at times. It is very very hard to not get discouraged in all of this. I try to be patient, do things for me, work on myself, stay busy, go to the gym DAILY, focus on my own goals and aim for things. But when time and time and time again it seems like it goes from exciting new potential to fizzle out excuses/just an option. Sadly this goes for friends too. I have a friend group, same way. ANYTIME I try to plan or get people to go out and do anything, everyone is always too busy. 

Girl 1

told me a few days ago in summary "Maybe Thursday if I can get all my homework done" It's always a maybe it seems. God forbid anyone just set an hour or two aside to make it happen. I straight up asked her "I know you've said you are really busy and that's understandable. But you do actually want to meet up again right? If you do great, if you don't actually that's ok too. I just appreciate honesty and would rather know the honest truth. " She said "Yes I definitely want to see you again. I am sorry I am just so busy and going thru a lot, but I do yes" She then asked if she could call me (this was last night) I was a little busy and I did not feel into talking, so I declined and told her I am still free today if she wants to figure something out, to let me know. She then texted me recently and I will paraprhase" Hey, I do appreciate you offering to come my way and get dinner, that' so thoughtful of you. My good friend from out of town just texted me today and told me she is in town til tomorrow. She was supposed to come spend two weeks with me before but had to cancel bc of a chronic illness, she's not doing well. So I feel like I need to make it a priority to see her. I am feeling very overwhelmed and I don't know what to do because I feel bad not meeting up with you. But I feel like I should spend time with my old roommate. Long story short I don't feel tonight is the best day (yet she didn't offer an alternative time) but we could still do a phone call later if you want? I don't want to hold up any plans you could make, I'm sorry!"

So it's like, on one hand I want to be like "Well forget it, obviously I am once again the last resort it seems, but on the other hand she took the time to write like a 4 paragraph text, and was talking about her sick friend. So how can I really be super mad about that? She shouldn't choose me, a guy she saw once, over one of her best friends who according to her, is pretty sick.

Girl 2

I don't have too much to be annoyed with on this one I guess. She is a flight attendant so she was only going to be in town for 2 days this time (she does live here). She did say after our date last week she'd love to see me again. She said "Hopefully I can see you during my days off while I am home." I told her I am off Wed and Thurs, so let me know if you do. Yesterday she texted me, paraphrasing here but essentially she had too much going on and would not have time to meet up this time. She had mentioned last week in our date the next few weeks would be a little rough for her, working a lot, and then she is transferring bases from San Fran to San Diego, so she would have to drive that in her off days next week, but "I would definitely love to get together again."

I have noticed a tiny bit of difference in communication though lately. Building up to our first date and after it, she would text me out of nowhere, ask me how my day was, or somehow remember my workout class and text me prior telling me have a good workout. More initiative. Lately, she hasn;t really done that, but if I do text her she is very responsive and interesting, with substance.

BUT, one thing that did kind of get me, was last night on her Instagram, she posted a meme of a woman saying "I don't have a BF and I don't want it, I could have one if I wanted one, I could have 4,5 of them if I wanted" and added the emoji of raising her hand with a 😬  face....  So it's like *** is that lol. I mean I don't know if I should take that too seriously, or just write it off as goofy humor.