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Everything posted by RocketIce

  1. The lifestyle is new to her as well, but it is actually a really good point that because she is pursuing it, she already has a really different view on it then I do. Which will probably lead to problems. I think you are right, and I don't really have any other reasonable choice at this point then to work on as humane and clean as possible exit strategy and execute it... Edit: I almost overlooked your point that: That's another really good reason not to wait... I wouldn't want her to guild-stay with me because I stayed with her when she was going through the therapy... So yeah...
  2. Thank you for your comments. So do you believe then that her going into therapy will not even save this? In other words, should I give her some time to work on herself in a healthy way (i.e. through therapy), while we're together, and I can maybe help her? Or do you think that's pointless/a waste of my time, because our connection is too damaged and it'll just be easier to be single/find someone new?
  3. Thanks for all the responses! As was maybe unclear, nothing has happened yet, and she is aksing if we can open up so she can "cheat legally". I want to quote a few of you that are in my opinion especially helpful. This reaction really hits most of the nails on the head: by talking/learning more about this in the past days, with the help of your reactions, I think she indeed doesn't associate sex with love in a healthy way. And I agree that therapy would be best, so I have to find a way to convince her of that. She had therapy before but it didn't help enough, so she has a hard time trusting that... The "Eat your feelings while she goes and has sex with other people while you sit at home hoping for a kiss?" really hit home... This is also a very good point, and I like that you have experience with a working poly relationship around you to shed some light on the normalcy of her proposal. If my suspicion that she doesn't associate sex with love it true, then the BDSM surely won't help her be intimate with me. The opposite is more likely: it will strengthen the disassociation between them. And I need intimacy and want that from my partner. I'm not interested in multiple partners. This also makes a lot of sense. I'm going to talk to her about all this soon. After your reactions and analysis of the problem, I'm certain that me accepting her doing BDSM is never gonna save our relationship. I think the only thing that can save it, is if she works through her trauma with a therapist (preferably one that has experience with this sort of stuff). So I'm gonna propose that to her. If she doesn't want that, I don't see any other way then to end it. Regarding practicalities, we found this place together, but neither of us can pay the rent on their own (I mean maybe for a couple of months using savings, but not sustainably), so we'd have to both move out and somehow time that.
  4. I have been with my girlfriend for >2 years now. Altho it all started very positively, it has not being going very well. We started living together right before the pandemic started, so immediately being "lockdowned" together, mostly working from home, gave a lot of stress. But more importantly (to me): there is no intimacy between us. My GF has always had trouble with intimacy, in her past relationships, and also in this relationship. She feels like she has a wall around that, and anything that could lead to intimacy, is scary to her (kissing, touching especially in bed, hugging in bed, etc). This is most likely caused by sexual trauma in her teen years. This lack of intimacy, together with lockdown stress, makes that we currently do not feel (romantically) connected to each other; it feels like we're more roommates than romantic partners. We have been trying to work on this: do fun things together, hugging each day before we go to sleep, etc. But this has not had much effect, and I feel the energy is running out. A couple of months ago, she told me she is interested in a more open relationship. I am not, and therefore have so far said "no" to being open. She is not happy about that, but has accepted it so far. Recently, however, she admitted that she has been active in online BDSM-communities, and that she (now) believes that being a sub in dom/sub (BDSM) relationship can help her overcome her trauma's, which in turn might help with our intemacy issues and help us reconnect to each other. She wants her partner in this to be someone else (not me), as she feels it might hurt the dynamics of our relationship. Beside that, I'm not interested in BDSM, and we both don't believe that I would be a good dom. Altho the final outcome (her making steps in overcoming trauma's) is great, I am quite uncomfortable with the idea of her being intimate (especially in such an extreme way) with other partners. I feel like I would be very jealous. This jealousy is amplified by the fact that there is no intimacy between me and her. Additionally, I am scared that I will completely lose my attraction to her: to me, it feels dirty, but not in a good way. Since our relationship started so well, we have a nice place together, and the "teamwork" is going okay, I have a hard time giving up the relationship. The facts that I don't easily find girls interested in me(I have had only had one serious relationship before this one) and I don't want to hurt her, also make the decision harder. My question is therefore: is it worth going through this period of pain for me to have the possibility to repair this relationship? Or is it better at this point to give up on this relationship, and save myself some pain? What should I consider to make this decision? Has anybody gone through a simular situation? TL;DR: My girlfriend believes submissive/BDSM interactions can help her cope with personality issues and trauma in her past. I'm not sure the hardship of having to cope with her doing that is worth it. Hoping for pointers on how to make the "stay or leave" decision.
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