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Depressed101

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  1. So my girlfriend of 3.5 years are going through some things. My fault I held everything in and didn't open up and the stree anxiety depression got to me and I snapped. I broke it off when I really didn't want to. We are talking again taking it kind slow and making a plan together for our possible future. I say possible because I'm getting a strange vibe. Last night she asked me via text what my love language is and what do I think the meaning of love is or why I say i love her. Now I'm a pretty sophisticated guy but at the same time I'm a pretty simple man little backwoods t shirt jeans work boots kinda guy. I'm also not very emotional probably because I've been through so much *** I really dont show my feelings. I have never heard of this love language had to Google it or to define what I think love is. To me love is no one thing it's a feeling its something or someone that you enjoy being with it, that you can see growing with encouraging one another to do or be better. Things I love about her is shes a great mom trying to do her best, shes kind and funny. When I'm with her its effortless doesn't feel forced or awkward. That's just some of the things. Thoughts opinions ect, maybe I'm looking at this from the wrong angle.
  2. I'll apologize upfront this is going to be a long one. I ended a 3.5 year relationship 2 weeks ago for really no good reason now that I think about it. Background I'm a 40 year old male that has had an interesting life. My father died when I was 13 and I didn't take it well. Through my teen years I watched my mother do what she had to, by that I mean wake up everyday and go to work to keep the house that they literally built. She never dated or remarried. I started working as soon as i could to help out, worked all through high school went onto college and worked the whole time to pay the bill. Didnt start really dating till college met a girl that ended up braking my heart. Decided at that time to focus on work and have fun hell I was in my 20's. Dated on and off through my 20s and 30s nothing serious. Mom got sick and forced into retirement, I made the decision to stick around and help out with financial and maintenance. This has made dating and relationships tricky at times. Her 35 divorced 2 kids. Comes from a rough background never finished college pragnent and married young. Works an ok part time job for little money. In someways shes very immature others shes very mature but very nieve to the way the world works. I first met her when I was 21 and she was 16 she was related to a late friend of mine and used to summer out here. We would see each other occasionally back then but were not really friends or anything like that. Randomly 3.5 years ago I get a FB massage from her. I little shocked but whatever we started chatting online just catching up. Turns out after her divorce she and her kids moved into her moms who turns out only lives about 2 miles away. The online chatting heats up she fessed up that she always had a crush on me. I did find her attractive back in the day and current photos showed that didn't change. After a few weeks texting ect we went on a date and that was it instant chemistry. We kept it low key for about 2 months sneaking around ect before I was introduced to the kids. Both of which are outstanding and never had an issue with them. Everything was great we never argued we never had a major fight some bickering ect. I learned to live with her little things that annoyed the hell out of me and I'm sure she did the same. I deal with conflict and conflict resolution all day at work the last thing I want is to have conflict over something that most would consider petty. We never lived together but do to privacy ect I'd spend in average 5 nights a week there. Of course the topic of living together came up a lot. I was clear and honest from the beginning about my life situation and that I was dead set on not renting an apartment. She wants out of her moms place and I don't blame her not a good situation. She does not have the credit or income to get an apartment on her own. She has major debt in default that always scared the hell out of me. My mother's house isnt big enough for what be the 5 of us if it was just her or maybe 1 kid we might have been able to make that work. My mother does own an extra lot that I have rights to. We tossed the idea around of building a house on it for ourselves. I of course would have to carry the full financial burden of getting the mortgage ect because of her financial and credit situation a bank would laugh. Covid hit and I told her that it was going to have to take the back burner for awhile as my company was cutting jobs and my department and position was on the chopping block. That was a stressful 3 months and she knew it. Covid clears work is good ect topic comes up again. I go to the bank and turns out I can't get aporoved for enough to make it all work. I never told her I kept in I have such pride and being the person to make it happen and fix everything. I was ashamed and embarrassed my own stupid pride getting in the way. I had forgotten a rule when your in a relationship you have a partner to lean on and rely on. So 2 weeks ago we were together just the 2 if us relaxing. After a long day and week at 11 at night she decides to drop a bomb that an apartment is coming up for next to her friend and its "only 1900 per month" and we should get it so we can save money. I lost it this is what I mean by being nieve and immature to the real world. That rent is more then my current mortgage. I told her I needed a brake and left this is where I acted immature and didn't contact her for a week, on the same hand if the tables were turned I would have reached out after a day two, but whatever hindsight is always 20/20. We met up at a local restaurant to talk about what happened. I told her what happened and what had been going on and why I've been cold and distant the last few months. Her response I wanted to see you come here fighting for us and I didn't see that tonight. Till dont know what the hell that means. That's when I told her I had lost the spark months ago and we should just end things now. She if course was devastated I gave her house key back and we parted ways. If course she has deleated or blocked me on all social media platforms. No idea if she blocked my number or not as I havent tried to contact her. I have not been feeling well for awhile even before this and I hate doctors. I decided to go this week I have a clean bill of health physically but after talking to my doctor about everything she thinks I'm suffering from severe stress anxiety and depression. In her words I brought it on myself by being the typical stubborn male that keeps everything in. She said that would explain the outburst and loss of interest. I came across some of her things at my place that I need to return to her just going to leave them on her porch. I have been missing the hell out of her and would like to try and see if she wants to see if we can recover from this. If not I'm willing to live with my decision. I was thinking of writing a letter and leaving it with her stuff and texting her to let her know I left her stuff there. If anyone made it this far thoughts opinions. Hell even if no one made it this far feels good to just write it out and let it out.
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