TLDR; Doc 12 years older than me (nurse) ended things because he felt pressure to act a certain way towards me (not pressured by me - but "pressure") he stated. He told me the feelings for me were very strong in the beginning but started to fizzle because of this pressure. I can't help but blame myself.
back again.. I had a previous post here about a Doctor who is 12 years older than me that I was seeing for 3 months. Unfortunately he decided to end things and I'm having a hard time. I've been trying to remind myself he isn't who I thought he was. I.e. drug abuse, drinking problem, etc. But, for some reason I just sit here and fixate on the good times we had and how he ended things with me. Please give me some insight to moving forward on this one.
I'm sorry if you've already read my story - I'm not sure the rules on "updates"
So I work in a hospital and had my very own Grey's Anatomy which I will now say is not my greatest idea. I am a 26 year old nurse and happened to notice a new doctor on the unit and from then on I could not get him off my mind. I've never had a situation where I was infatuated and interested in someone without even speaking to them. I had a boyfriend who treated me awful at the time, and I guess in my own mind I created this doctor to be everything my boyfriend wasn't, kind, hard working, etc. I found myself often daydreaming and creating scenarios in my head with this man and I realized how clearly unhappy I was in my relationship so I ended things and moved out of my exes. My ex was into smoking weed to the point where he was unemployed and playing video games for 16 hours a day, this doctor at work not only caught my attraction but I feel as though I made him into my dream man in my own head. I thought about this man daily for a year straight. For months I would go to work and make small talk with this Dr, but nothing serious ever came of it. I had no idea that he was 38 and a lot of other things going on.
fast forward to February and a mutual friend at work, this Dr and I made plans to go skiing. The one friend bailed and the doctor told me he would still like to hangout... I've never been so excited. He told me we were going for dinner, he had reservations and would be picking me up. We went to a very nice restaurant and had great conversation. We began hanging out every single weekend, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Due to Covid, we could no longer go on dinner dates and ended up ordering takeout most nights, going for drives to the mountains or walks through the city. We would sleep over at each others places for the entire weekend, and soon enough had toothbrushes at each others places. Since just getting out of a terrible relationship I never asked this man "where do you see this going" "what are we?" or any of that as I just enjoyed his company. Unfortunately, he works ridiculous hours and I was the ONLY person he ever saw outside of his work, and he does not even have friends in the city. The man had only been in one relationship longer than a few months. I looked past the red flags because in my mind I created some version of him that I was beginning to see was not true.
The second time we hungout I realized he had a lot of addiction issues, to alcohol, mushrooms and nicotine. He got extremely high on mushrooms and went off about how "we are such a mismatch" and stated I am a "10/10" and that even if he was 26 it would still have been a huge mismatch. My friends constantly told me I was wayyy out of his league - but I didn't care. He was so messed up he laid on the bed for an hour without saying anything, and me for the idiot I am stayed because I didn't want to leave him ***ed up and alone. I fell asleep on the couch and he told me how happy he was that I stayed the next day.
In the first couple months, he was affectionate, he would kiss me, put his hand on my leg, initiate being intimate, cuddle all night, touch me when hes walking by etc. I knew he liked me and he made it very obvious, I was so excited about where this was going. He made a clear effort to make plans to see me every weekend, and even sometimes weeknights. He would wake up early to drive me to work, stay up late just to hangout for a bit. I started to notice a month ago when we would hang out he barely touched me, we would have sex occasionally and usually cuddle before bed but not much more than that. It seemed like all he wanted to do was do mushrooms (he had a severe drinking problem and quit a few years prior), he was vaping constantly, or smoking his marajuana pen when we would hangout and watch tv. I began to notice our intimate moments became few and far between. I asked him about it occasionally if he even liked having sex anymore and he would say he's old, hes tired, he's stressed and if he has done shrooms he can't do it. I'm 26 years old and was super into him I wanted to bang all the time. I would walk around naked and he barely even looked at me. I was beginning to feel unwanted and I think he could pick up on that. We continued to hangout every weekend, the last 2 weeks we just shared a bed for 3 nights without having sex. I felt like we were just friends, not a lot of cuddles, or other affectionate moments to show me otherwise, except every time I would leave, he would get up and give me a peck. Or we would be laying in bed and he would kiss my back if we were cuddling. I don't know why I continued to hold this image of an ideal man in my head. He was extremely messy, into drugs, didn't seem to care a lot about me anymore, and left me feeling anxious. The texting had slowed down a lot, and was never an interesting conversation to hold despite me asking questions. But he would continue to text me most nights just to check in.
We hungout again Friday, Saturday, Sunday, with no sex and it felt like we were just friends. Sunday came and I told him I should go home and shower, he said "just shower here and stay here tonight"... I went home anyways. I went to the door to leave and was just expecting him to say "bye" from the couch, he said "hold on!" and got up and came and kissed me at the door.. He texted me asking if I got home ok which he rarely does, and then texted me the next day asking what I did that night, I told him I listened to music, took a bath and watched some shows, he said "we could have done that". The mixed signals were insane.
Last weekend I asked him if we could hangout this week, and he said we could, I said "it doesn't seem like you want to?"
After that he sent me a long message stating he isn't looking to mess around, he isn't interested in "playing the field" but that hes not looking for anything "serious/intense" right now.
He told me he has a lot of things going on with work and doesn't want his own stress/work to take a back seat.
I let him know that I'm not either, as I just got out of a relationship, but I would like to know that we aren't seeing other people, and that we actually have feelings for each other. The man literally dodged the question everytime I would ask if he liked me, he would say "I like to hangout with you, yes"
We met up Monday night and I asked in person, do you even like me because I don't feel it is mutual. He stated that if someone likes you, you should not have to ask... you should just know, he said "you do realize I spend every free moment of my time with you, and I see no one else". So that night, I stayed the night at his place, and again no sex, we just listened to music and cuddled.. In the morning at 530 he drove me home despite me insisting I would walk (it was only a few minute walk), I asked in the car, "would you prefer if we are just friends? because it doesn't seem like you're into me like that anymore". He got frustrated and told me its way too early to talk about this, and I had to go to work.
That evening he texted me saying I was right, and that he "doesn't act the way he should and that's causing problems" he said he felt as though things are heading to a breaking point where resentment will follow. I told him Im not interested in causing problems I just like to hangout with him. He said if we kept hanging out as more than friends the issues that come up now, will only come up worse.
We ended up speaking on the phone and he told me that he was really really into things in the beginning and something changed abruptly and he didn't know why, he said maybe it was because he couldn't go to the gym, or because of covid and we couldn't do anything other than watch tv. He said things went from being really good to being stressful, and that he started to feel guilty and under pressure. I asked him what I did to make him feel pressured, and he stated I didn't do anything but that he felt "pressure" to act different towards me and he couldn't, so he felt guilty. He said he thought it might get better, but it didn't. So he ended things Tuesday night.
I told him I could feel him pulling away, and that's why I would ask if he even liked being intimate with me anymore, he said it's because he's old, and working and stressed, and he said "who knows, maybe it is my own self confidence issue that I can't keep up with you". I always made it very obvious I was attracted to him and that I had feelings for him. I would always cuddle up to him, or play with his hair while he was driving, or put my hand on his back. I found myself feeling very anxious when I would leave his place after the weekend though because I was unsure where we stood. He reinforced how much he enjoys hanging out with me and that we always have a lot of fun together, but that he felt this pressure to treat me a certain way.
I could use some help understanding that because I felt as though I never asked him to treat me a certain way. I'm confused as to why I am feeling so heartbroken over the loss of this man, I recognize that I have very strong feelings for him, but I'm not sure if they are for the man I made up in my head, or the man who was right in front of me. I'm feeling very rejected by the whole thing as he stated that he really liked me and was into me in the beginning, and for some reason things fizzled out. He said maybe we hungout too much too fast, or maybe the spark was just so strong that it died even faster. He said he wished it didn't, but I guess that's the reality of it. I find myself beating myself up about getting rejected by a guy who really did not even treat me all that well. How do I move forward from this?
Why did I ignore the red flags? the drugs, how he's never dated anyone except for maybe a year (which he told me lasted 6 months longer than it should have), how he isn't even that nice to me, the addiction to work