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thatguypaul

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  1. Okay, thanks for the input everyone. I'm leaning towards just spelling it out for him, and seeing where it gets us. Maybe it's the kind of a wakeup call he needs. And if it doesn't work, well then not much more I can do. Still a damn shame. I'm also wondering if he didn't get sucked into some pickup artist, men's rights type of toxic, online community.
  2. Okay, my bad, I guess this would be a too literal translation into English. What I mean is a "therapist or psychiatrist specializing in sexual disorders." As for all the people ready to throw this poor dude under the bus: maybe catch some perspective? You don't know him at all. I made it clear he wasn't like this before. He was the opposite of this. He was responsible, put together, if anything too serious. He had a family of his own, a stable job, a normal life. It's only in the last couple of years he lost his s**t, and part of that is due to serious medical problems. Yeah, I can ghost him like everybody else. Is that what we should all do whenever somebody loses their way? It may be one of us someday. You never know. I sincerely hope my family or friends don't act like you bunch if/when I need them. Yes, If he's not willing to listen or change at all, I will have no choice but to back away eventually. But I'm not ready to give up on him just yet. Get help.
  3. It can be awkward (and embarrassing in public) to hang out with him. It's far from ideal, but thankfully it's not affecting me on a psychological level. I think most people he knows backed away. It seems he barely has anyone to talk to these days, which is why I'm trying to be there for him. Not trying to be a hero or anything, just doing what I sincerely hope somebody would do for me if the tables were turned. I brought up therapy (multipe times) and even a sexuologist for his urges (once), but it didn't go anywhere.
  4. I think if there's no better way, I will have to go ahead and do exactly that. Although I think this line of questioning will likely lead to me having to spell everything out bit by bit, and him first being defensive then shutting me out. – "Hey, I've noticed a change in you lately. What's going on? You never used to talk this way before." – "Talk in what way?" – (and then I basically have to spell it out; what it is exactly I mean and why is it something concerning enough to bring up)
  5. This might be a strange one, sorry. I need some advice regarding increasingly worrying behavior my friend is showing Some background: we’re both straight guys in our mid-30s, he’s a few years older than me. We’ve been very close friends during childhood and our teenage years, then drifted apart in our 20s. We’ve been in touch over the years, but really only reconnected in the last 12 months. I’ve been back in the town for over a year due to COVID and remote work. Here’s the thing, he’s been through some really rough times in the last few years – bad ongoing divorce (his wife’s decision), moved back with his parents, can’t find work due to health problems. Understandably, all of this took its toll. Anybody would be affected by all this, however, there’s an aspect of this I find strange (and potentially worrying). It’s hard for me to describe the change without getting into specifics, but when it comes to women/sex he basically devolved into some "immature, sex crazed 15-year-old" trope. This type of behavior, cringeworthy enough when teenage boys engage in it, is completely out of place and bizarre when coming from a guy approaching his fortieth birthday. And this goes double for him. Back when we were teens he was always so serious and acted very mature for his age. He was never this “immature, sex crazed 15-year-old,” not even when he actually was fifteen. Like, imagine, when the rest of us were boasting about getting laid or whatever (when we were teens) he would be the one saying it’s disrespectful or inappropriate. He was that kid. And now he’s the one bragging about getting oral sex, or wondering out loud if a girl he will see later is shaved, or offering to send nudes/films of some random girls he was with. He’s constantly boasting of the number of girls he slept with in the last 12 months, etc. It’s definitely not a good look. At first I let this stuff slide. I am aware that sounds very cowardly, but he was in such a bad place and went through so much I just thought he’s going through some strange, temporary phase. I didn’t egg him on, but I didn’t think it was a right time for a lecture either. However, now it has been months and he’s still at it. He's even in a relationship with some girl now, but he still constantly brings up his past “conquests” (like every single time we talk). I’ve changed strategies and try to let it slide much less, sometimes I offer firm advice. Like in the cases above, I might say: “you bring up this girl every time, way too much, maybe it’s time to move on man, let it go” or “who cares if she’s shaved, why do I need to know anyway,” or “Nah, I’m good, by the way, I wouldn’t send that nude to anyone if I was you, you might even get into serious trouble.” So far I’ve been avoiding the “it’s not appropriate”/“you’re being sexist”/“this is disgusting” route. I realize that this would be the most direct way, just let him know when he’s acting strange. However, I have a very strong feeling that all that will accomplish is push him away. Seems like this guy already lost touch with nearly everyone (who knows, maybe because of this type of behavior). I’m trying to be there for him, maybe we’re not super close now but we once were like brothers, and it sucks to see him like this. I’m also terrified that there is a small chance he will actually sexually assault someone in some way. He seems oblivious to social cues, observing him interact with women in public I can see he often has no clue when they are uninterested or even evasive. It's like he's acting the part of the womanizer but doesn't have the feel for it (because he never was one to begin with). I don’t know what else to do, I would like to help him get over this, but don’t know how. I think that consistently and firmly calling him out is the logical next step, but I worry that this will just result in us not speaking anymore. And all that will mean is that I can no longer help him, or even be there to offer advice if he tries something really stupid or dangerous.
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