V1111

Dear R, we meet again here after an year... after an blissful year. I tried to heal... you tried to heal me Intentionally or unintentionally. I thought I have you again... I started smiling and almost believed when you said that you love me few days before. I didn't react but it was one of the best moment of my life...after that day ... I opened my ringbox again and wore my engagement ring again..... for whole day untill you came home. First time after I swore that I won't wear it unless we find love. I lost all the hopes to wear that and I was scared to wear that again but I did. and the very same day it got spoiled!!! You started talking with her again... and I know it seems unreasonable right now but in a time... ( literally less than a month) it will be again like last year... I'll loose you! I'll read that you don't love me... I'll read that last year was fake. You'll tell her about your day not me. You'll do her knock knock jokes.... you will ask her best things of the day and you'll tell her that you don't have any.... when I want to be best thing happened to you but I know I'm not. I'm no one's best thing....!!!! You'll ask her if she is eating 5 times a day.... you didn't care for me when I had abortion of our baby. It's too much to bear R, too much... and I don't think I'll able to recover again. I don't think I'll survive again. I tried to reasonate with you by saying you never share with me and you bluntly told me what's lacking in me. You said the exact words I am badly triggered by.... " if everyone is having problem with you it's your fault". but when did I say that it's not my fault? And what is my fault? will I be better if I let you talk with her ? Is that only way I'll be better ? Is that the only way? you also told me that you don't care even if I have a panic attack while I was having a panic attack? No one is this cruel R!! Then why not let me go? im tired. So tired. I want peace that either you loving me minus your friend or you leaving me can give me. I don't know what to ask.

Dear R, I miss us… I was happy… really happy… I was always happy with you…. Super happy…. I thought you were happy too….!!! Super happy with me… I fight when i was upset with you. I cry when hurt…. Had this ugly habit of slapping when I was super angry or anxious… I thought you knew only you could calm me down.. only you ghap. Only you. That’s what you do to people you love ghap… apart from slapping thing. You don’t stay silent to people you love ghap… if they don’t understand you make them understand ghap.. if you find them annoying … you tell them love… but you don’t stay silent and go to someone else ***ing about them ghap.. You are doing this intentionally… while knowing this is hurting me too I’m much.. I was wrong ghap…. Including when I thought we are our one and only…..!!!!! I hate you ghap… for finding your trust somewhere else without giving me a genuine chance one more last time… while I though I was making things ok.

My Dear R, How much I cared for you… how much I cared that you don’t eat this *** biscuits… how much efforts I made to feed your stupid belly right….. how much I though about how to make you more comfortable and healthy…. I wanted you to live so so long and healthy… I was concerned about your health after 50. I’m not concerned about mine. still my love, all you do is care for somebody else. Why was I not enough? Was it the cheating ? Those boys are nowhere in my life … they weren’t! You never loved me 😢 so when you got busy… you stopped being my bestfriend…. I was there …. Always waiting for you… and when I realising that you won’t come… I talked with others to keep my sanity. I just talked…….. ( wrong , so wrong but just chatted) you are giving a piece of your heart to someone else….. it’s ok love. I can’t do anything in this… I will accept this… and she doesn’t matter love… you and your feelings towards me matters. It’s ok love…. But I promise my love…. One day…. Sooner or later…. I will stop loving you…. I will remove you from my heart… I hope I can find my peace then… Loving you was so hurtful….. over the years…..! I hate myself for loving you… I hate myself for not being practical. I will stop my obsession for you one day.. and then … I won’t care who you talk to or what! I won’t care you come home or not…

Dear R, As you say my everything… you want to keep marriage going on without love so that you get assurance of Visa? Ok. You want like 6 months to decide whether you love me or not ? Does it matter ? What’s gonna change if you love me? Are you gonna stop making me jealous ? No. Are you gonna trust me and be emotional for me again? No. Then how will it matter? I have understood it very hard way my love, falling in love is easy… too easy…. But keeping that love alive, staying in love with that person requires work my everything. Communication is the key to every relationship my love… I told you 1000 times my love but you never wanted to communicate with me. I am the reason .. so not blaming love. I give up on love… I don’t think love is in my luck. So I will wait for awhile for you.. again lol but for once and first time without making stupid mistakes to avoid this pain.. I already know this pain isn’t worth it. My brain is giving me 100 options to ease the pain.. and I always fell into it.. I always loved you .. but when you were figuring out … I went to others… I am not doing that this time. I am here. Waiting for you. For a while only though. If you can, love me again……. From all your heart If possible. If not, I will find my own way to deal with this. But will not cheat on you my everything. You told me that you will be in the boat but I will go away… so I am staying in the boat.. even when I have no hope that this boat is gonna survive.. So I am here taking this pain that you don’t understand, acting mahan because I have no other option left… I will learn to live without love! Lots of love ghap, The girl who loves you.

Dear R, Probably we were never meant to be together… or probably I am no special… or probably love luck ain’t on my side… How much I loved you… how much I realise love now…. How much I realise where I ***ed up and where you did… I wish we could sort our differences.. I wish I could communicate better… I wish so many things but I can’t make it happen a single one… So, I am trying to let go… trying to be the girl you wanted since our marriage.. the alone girl… whom you told live alone!!! I try to be strongest when you are home.. when I see you chat with your current bestfriend! I am trying to let go the love i hold too hard for you… I don’t like anything… I wonder what you had for breakfast.. why didn’t you took the milk ? Did you buy the fruit for office ? How was the chilli panner? Did you warm it? Did you enjoy it ? I don’t ask you….I wont. Ever. I eat too… I take medicines which requires me to! But I don’t enjoy it… I enjoy the coffees though! I am again addicted to it… can’t let it go this time because I need coffee.. gotta have something to distract me to let you go right? I awake… I get nightmares.. I can’t sleep.. I don’t like to sleep… sleep gives me nightmares! I am sorry.. I realise how you must have felt when I did even worst. But what you are doing is going to be permanent. Please leave me… free me from this love .. you finally have someone you trust and can love. So let me go. I love you.. I don’t have strength to leave you.. please do it for both me and your current bestfriend.

Dear R, I probably wasn’t the best girlfriend… but I was the girl who loved you her best. Why wasn’t I your angle ? Why you never cared for me the way you did for your ex and current bestfriend? Why I was subjected to your ego? I cheated on you so I deserve this. But why were you emotionally unavailable? What was my mistake if your ex didn’t love you or your parents didn’t care much or your new business was failing??? Why couldn’t you even appreciate when I supported you the best way I can? Why couldn’t you let me know that you value me ? Why treat me like trash ? I still couldn’t leave you… so I decided to talk with other boys so I don’t feel like trash. I told you the next minute that I’m doing this help me and treat me better but you chose that time to show your worst attitude. It was a bad phase. We both made mistakes … I made the bigger one. why couldn’t you post one picture of ours that says that you love me? I was insecure and wanted to show the world that I mean something to you…. World called me trash I wanted to show them that I was your treasure. I know you don’t like posting pictures but one picture could hurt ?????? You didn’t went down on knees because your ex did something ? Why was I suffering? Why were we not even sleeping in same room after marriage ? Why you always made me believe that you don’t care? I cheated on you and nothing can justify that. Please leave me … I love you and I don’t have strength to leave you… please leave me…