katmisj

I believe I do have a hard time realizing what I deserve. One of the reasons is because he was the first guy that was loyal to me, caring and would do things no one has every done. So when the bad parts came, I didn't know if I should accept them in return of the good. At first this guy would do anything for me, and I felt safe and very much loved. I remember on our first month telling him that I think we have a lot of differences in the way we think and that down the road this could lead to issues and that it was better to break it off. He insisted saying he "never agreed on everything with anyone" and that he was ok with us having different views in certain things only for down the road in the relationship, anything we'd disagree on he'd use it as an excuse for us to break up. By the end of our relationship when things were really rocky and unstable, I remember one time we were watching that movie "Don't look up" and 20 minutes in he was like "omg, can't you see this propaganda? how they're trying to brainwashing people into thinking jews are good, that Trump is bad a yada yada... it got so uncomfortable that I had to say I didn't think anything of the movie and that he could change it if he wanted to do so. I just felt like he had a go at me anytime something left wing related would appear (he was 100% right wing) and it got really uncomfortable because he wouldn't even listen to my opinion, he would just straight out say he doesn't respect my views even though he would never give me a chance to fully explain it. I felt like he just had this image in his head of who I am without getting to know me. Also he had this really racist appeal. One thing that marked me was how he reacted to asian people, saying how he doesn't like them etc but the woman he slept with while we were on a break was asian and also he would go out with a lot of asian women just for sex. I just felt like that's being such a hypocrite. Why pursue women you "despise"? I questioned him why he slept with an asian woman if he thinks so little of them and he responded "that's what they're for, I would never have a relationship with them" and told me he kicked her out of his house after sex. I'd feel uncomfortable walking on the street with him because if we went past an Indian or black person he would make remarks about them and it would just make the whole mood really uneasy. He also said he'd never have children with someone who wasn't white because he wants to keep his lineage pure. I told him we could consider adoption in case I can't have kids (I am adopted) and he felt really uncomfortable, I have no idea what my life would be like with him if I indeed can't get pregnant and I'd feel like *** for not being able to give him kids from his "lineage". We're from different countries (he's from NZ) and I've always been like "maybe it's just a cultural thing and I'm being sensitive" or is it just a guy thing...? He would also say that I'm too sensitive for him, there were many other things that I won't get into details here. I also said mean things and made mistakes but I think I never intentionally wanted to say hurtful things, I just felt like sometimes he was full of hate in the way he said things and viewed things. But then on the other hand, he was the sweetest. He would calm me down when I was having panic attacks, he would bring me food, hug me when I was sad, he would treat me like no other guy has ever treated me. And I had my moments as well. I was very insecure and sometimes mean, I yelled at him, so I wasn't perfect, but I guess I also just felt like I was never understood. One night I was having a panic attack and he yelled "SHUT UP I CAN'T SLEEP" and I just felt like ***. Last year I had really bad depression (to which I'm treating and I am heaps better! 🙂 ) and I'd have these moments where I just cried and felt sad and he would say "maybe you should go back to your country" only because I'd say I missed my family and I was in a really stressful job and stuff. I didn't feel very supported whereas he works from home and is constantly complaining when I have an actual physical stressful job. He would also say my house sucks and he never wanted to come over when I've worked really hard since I moved to this country to live where I live right now and buy furniture for my little place the way I'm happy with. He said it sucks because I don't have a good TV (I can't afford a better one and also I don't and never watch TV, I just watch movies on my laptop). The other guy I met after him came to my house and we cuddled while watching on my computer but my ex would never ever do that. It would have to be at his house, with his big TV. It just would really hurt to hear that my house sucks when I love my place. He lives in front of me, in a smaller apartment but he lives alone (I have a housemate), so we'd go there for more privacy, but there were days where I wanted to be at mine... and it gave me anxiety because he just didn't feel comfortable here. We'd never really spend a day cuddling in bed, I remember it was always his couch... I just lacked that connection there sometimes. Honestly I think I'm just overthinking everything, trying to find reasons as to why I shouldn't be with him when deep down I am still hurt and I'm still angry that he left me. Whereas he is probably already on a date with another girl. I'm actually surprised as to how quick he moved on. I mean, fair enough since January we've been on and off but this is from a guy who spent 2 years on and off with his ex, who begged her back even when she emotionally abused him and to this day he still thinks she's some amazing woman when she almost got him in jail by falsely accusing him of violence. It's all so weird to me and just goes to show how he really doesn't like me that much. I have no energy to meet other people. At all. I actually feel the opposite. Even though on Friday nights I get anxiety thinking he's out there with some other girl while I'm home alone, I also feel drained and don't have any more energy to be disappointed in men. I just want to be alone because I just don't believe I'll find someone at this point, I've had so many failed relationships that I've come to realize some people are just lucky in life when it comes to relationships. I'm really frustrated.

I think so, yeah. At least it's what my intention initially was. And then it turned into just wanting to get closure and open up about my feelings but I just always feel like I am not listened to. He just does not care. And I can certainly agree on here. I met my ex in a moment where I wasn't feeling very good. I was trying to meet other people and forcing myself to move on. He just ended up being this guy who was seeking a relationship and spent 3 months "chasing" me, which led me to feel very safe and secure and I started opening up. But that's the only reason why we started dating in the first place, because I was not open for a relationship at the time. But then he ended up leaving just like everybody else and I am still grieving and I feel a lot of emotions. I feel anger and frustration mostly, and I'm letting myself feel these feelings. From the last moments I spoke to him he would constantly say "just move on, get over it". As if a month is enough time to get over a relationship. I told him, maybe for you it's easy because you can just get on an app and look through a catalogue of women and decide which one you'll pick to make her feel safe and loved like you did with me. But with me, it's a bit different, I am very suspicious of who I let into my life. I guess the fact that he wants a relationship just makes it easier for him to find someone else and that's why he's treating me like this. Because, you know, there's so many options out there, why would you invest on someone you got bored of? I honestly would rather be alone if dating someone new means another heartbreak. I am done with these "life lessons" and "learning experiences". I want to feel nurtured, loved and cared for. I'm tired of just going through these things just to "learn". I have decided to take a step back from meeting people because I am actually fine on my own and just the thought of opening up to someone new and having the person hurt me is something I am not willing to go through any time soon. I am having a very hard time because I keep rationalising everything, the good and the bad moments. I could list these bad things he'd say to me such as: "I don't want to eat your disgusting vegan food" - at the time we met, I was vegetarian and then slowly started eating fish again so he'd only let me cook fish for him, but he took me to a vegan restaurant on our second date and always said how he thinks I'm awesome for being vegan and then with time he would always make me feel bad for my eating choices claiming he "cared about my health". It got to a point where I would even lie about what I ate just so he wouldn't say anything bad. Like "I ate fish" instead of saying I had tofu for lunch or smth. We had different political views but I was always open to listening to things from his perspective and he did open my eyes to some things but the other way around he'd say "I don't respect your views and your opinion". He wouldn't even listen to me without bashing me. He was talking to a woman - who he claimed he was friends with - behind my back and sending her memes and when I questioned him he said "well, if I send them to you, you don't laugh at them". He would always make me feel bad if I wasn't the whole package, it's like if I didn't have the same political views or didn't eat meat, it didn't matter how loving, caring and respectful I was. Or, one time we were debating about feminism and I told him about this work I did in college about women and as soon as I started explaining what it was he said "oh that's such garbage" and wouldn't even let me finish my sentence and let me explain something I spent a whole year studying. Or how one time he said I dress like a sl*t because on our holiday I was wearing crop tops and skits or that he doesn't enjoy my company and that he can't see me being the mother of his children. Or when he made it look like he had no contact with his ex but facetimed her once and they were still a bit in touch. Just really really hurtful stuff. He just would have these really rude condescending outbursts where I'd even cry sometimes, but then there were moments where he'd call me beautiful all the time. Where he'd be supportive of my job and my goals. Where he'd never nag me for going out with my friends, or when simply he would hug me and make me feel safe and protected. He had so many good qualities I want in a partner that maybe I think it's why I'm struggling to move on. Because even with the bad parts, I miss how loving he used to be when he wanted to. But he's not anymore. He doesn't want me. And I just decided to not grab my things anymore and I deleted him from Facebook and blocked him again. I still like him and honestly if he asked to get back together, I would. But, I also feel at peace knowing I did all I could. Today I was just a mess. Holding back my tears and feeling so lost and confused. I feel like nowadays, relationships are so shallow. You meet people on these dating apps and it's just so easy to go from one person to another. I'm more old school I guess. But I also have learned that people will always think about themselves first. No matter if they tell you they'll never hurt you or leave you... and I'm no longer putting other people first, I will also leave when it no longer suits me because I'm the stupid one who hangs around when they choose the easy way out.

No yeah you’re definitely right. I’ve tried so many times to open up to him and talk to him about my feelings and he ends up hanging up on me and saying “not now” never has time to talk to me and I simply give up. Maybe he was a better boyfriend to his exes, maybe he’ll be better for someone else but he hasn’t been nice to me and that’s what I’ll hold on to. A guy that once told me he loved me for who I am only to criticize every single part of my personality and treat me so badly… I am not a victim, I have made mistakes too but Id never treat him like that.

Also, I ended up "accepting" watching netflix at his house because before I would ask "hey what do you think about us going to this restaurant?", and the answer would always be no so I'd end up going to his house because I'd rather see him than not see him at all. But it's not like I just accepted it without saying anything, but there's not much else I can do except ask. I remember telling him maybe if you took me out for dinner or made plans I wouldn't be so annoying and nagging or in a bad mood, but you don't even try so how are you supposed to know? You just bring out the worst version of me instead of doing things to make me happy and expect me to the best girlfriend ever. I feel like a relationship shouldn't be like this. I shouldn't have to be demanding or act like someone I'm not just to get taken on dates. Ugh, it annoys me just thinking about how many times I've tried just having a normal relationship with someone and not ever getting the bare minimum. I really don't feel like dating anyone and I'm very unmotivated to meet new people.

I have a really hard time with that because the person ends up "compensating" in other aspects of the relationship such as being someone who's hardworking, loyal, takes care of me, helps me out when I need, wants a family and get married etc so I end up accepting "the bad parts" because of the good parts as I'm always afraid this is the best that I can get. Dating sometimes is really hard and finding someone nice is hard too. On my last post I talked about meeting this guy who clicked on chemistry, similar tastes and just overall getting along great but he didn't want a relationship right now and we chose to go our separate ways. So it's like, when I do meet someone who clicks, the person doesn't want me and when I meet someone who wants what I want, there's a whole 'nother side of things that don't match. I made a list of the things I dislike and like about my ex. Yesterday I ended up crying to him on the phone and he'd yell at me "I'm sick of this bulls*it, you annoy me, you drive me crazy, I don't f*cking care about what you have to say and your feelings" and all of these other mean statements just because I was crying telling him I missed him. But in honesty, I don't miss him. I miss who he used to be, the person he turned into is someone I don't want near me at all. And he's right, he shouldn't care about my feelings after all, we did break up so why would he listen to what I have to say? I still get upset though. I always wonder why people treat so badly someone that was once a part of their life. Yea maybe the relationship was a mistake but that doesn't turn them into a bad person. My ex treats me as if I'm some kind of monster who needs to be locked in rehab because I'm a child and can't co-exist in society. When in reality, I just have emotions and feelings and sometimes I cry. I guess lesson learned that next time I'm just not gonna stick around to wait and see.

I feel like I am slowly moving on with my life from my break up, but there are days when it's particularly hard to move on from these feelings. I feel angry even though I hate feeling angry I can't help it. Also frustrated and annoyed. I spoke to my ex today because I still need to pick up some things and he's out with his mates for drinks when he would NEVER go out with me on the weekday. We barely even went out let alone weekdays. And I just started crying alone because I remember almost begging him to do something together. I get the person not feeling it every time but even suggesting going out for drinks with him would be like "no way I have to get up early tomorrow for work", or "all you think about is drinking"and saying he didn't like drinking that much because his ex had alcohol problems. But then, you both break up and they suddenly have the energy and money to go out. Like I get it, you want to be social with your work mates and also with your friends, but why is it that with your girlfriend there is no effort at all? I remember so many times suggesting we go to a bar, a restaurant, a museum, anything, and all he'd say is either "I don't have the money" (which is a lie, he earns way more than I do and is very economic with his spending), or "I'm tired" "Don't feel like it" "Maybe another day", the list goes on. And we'd end up on his couch watching netflix or going for walks near where we live. It was so boring. I would even tell my friends "he's more of a stay at home kind of person", but ever since we broke up, he did so many things with his mates, way more than we'd ever do. I barely have any memories except for when we went on a holiday. He would say I'm annoying and all I do is nag him about it but it does take a toll on you when you're constantly trying to make plans with your partner and he constantly turns you down and then when he finds a new girl and does everything you wanted him to do with you, suddenly she's not a nag like you are. Well obviously, you don't treat her like you treated me so it's easy to say that about her. Or when you become single, it becomes fun again to go out. This is what happened to my other ex before him. All he wanted to do was smoke weed and play video games and I'd either end up going out alone or staying in with him. Didn't take us long to break up and after a few months he came back to apologize for everything he did and then got a new girl and guess what? He goes out with her every weekend for dinner, socializes with her friends etc. I don't care about this particular ex anymore, but I remember at the time feeling so sad and neglected and seeing him with his new girl just makes me angry as well. I had to go through so much mistreatment for someone else to get the treatment I wanted. I'm doing things on my own and with my friends because I gave up on dating for a while and trying to do fun things with my ex partners because obviously failed miserable and they'd take me for granted as it seems like huge effort to take your girl out for dinner. Or when my ex did, he'd always talk about how much money he'd spend on it or we'd end up fighting about money because god forbid I don't pay every time we go out because I earn way less than him. I just don't get why you'd be in a relationship if you're just going to act like a boring person that never wants to do anything with you, making you feel guilty for suggesting, yet when they meet someone else or are single, they suddenly do all of those things? I'd even suggest things that didn't require spending a lot of money like going out for hikes or camping and he'd make excuses for it. Sorry for the rant, I think I have these feelings bottled up inside me. When you're in a relationship, you want it to be fun, to create moments and memories. I feel like just because I was nice and accepted that, they'd take me for granted. But I don't want to start arguments or beg someone to take me out. I just wish it would've been spontaneous and they didn't make me feel guilty for wanting to go out and have fun because they do the same. Just would never with me. I know for a fact that when he gets a new girl, he's gonna do so many things with her. It just seems like my karma. Probably by then I'm not gonna care about him but I'm not gonna lie that it still kind of hurts seeing my other ex going to so many restaurants with his new girl when I remember he took me out for dinner once and the rest of the relationship he kept throwing that in my face as if going out once every year was enough.

Yea I feel like he's a comfort even though I'm lying to myself. We can't even talk for 5 minutes without turning into a fight... he makes me feel like I'm insane and calls me all sorts of things. I already blocked him and deleted his number. I'm done

I get all that you're saying and yes, I think that seems to be the case here. Most recently, this new guy gave me a sense of feeling desired and liked. My ex had torn me down so much that I feel like I lost a sense of myself for a few months, trying to figure out who I was and even the way that I dressed and acted were changing because I wanted so badly to fit what he expected from me. But that would never make me happy, or him happy anyway. The ending of our relationship but the fact that we still talk, gave me a sense of comfort, that I'm not "alone", and meeting this guy made it easy to move on, only for us to break it off and now I'm back here missing my ex. My housemate went through a similar situation, except the guy she met, became her boyfriend. And I can see she is happier now with him. They go out for dinner, do things together etc. I feel happy for her but also wonder, if a relationship shouldn't be a goal, why are so many people much happier when with their partner than alone? I could see my housemate mood change completely. I feel like if I stayed with the second guy, I wouldn't be so upset right now. (even though I know that's completely out of my control, I felt genuinely happy with him). And in between these two men, I feel alone. I feel rejected, twice. And that hurts my ego and I'm here just trying to be ok with everything but sometimes it really hurts. I had a horrible fight with my ex today and hearing him say that he doesn't care about me and that he made a huge mistake dating me, just hurts. Because, even though we didn't work out as a couple, he is still dear to me and I still wish him well. I have a hard time understanding why you'd treat someone you shared moments with so badly after you end things (unless there was obvious abuse/violence). I guess I'm seeking closure in people along with feeling a sense of losing myself at almost 29. I know for a fact that I want to be alone for know, but I'm also tired of "working on myself". Sometimes you just want to be with someone and have a chill life. I don't want to focus on me and work on myself because I already do that on a day to day basis. I sometimes want to meet other guys but I question if it's only to feel like someone is interested in me or because I actually want to move on. Because I know the moment they don't want me anymore, or they disappoint me in some way, like many others have done when dating, I'm back again in this loop hole questioning my worth. I guess I just haven't found "the one" yet and I'm a bit exhausted of making an effort to.

Yea definitely. Not up for that though.

Yea I agree with that. I called my ex (I know a mistake), today, to see how he was and he was so depressed and unhappy that it made me unhappy too and just brought out a bunch of feeling and argh. I'm in this weird situation where I'm still trying to figure out where I am in life. I booked a day trip with a girlfriend for this weekend and then shopping 🙂 Just trying to have fun without involving any romance involved for now. I need some air

On the day we first met I didn’t kiss him or anything but yes by the third date I had sex with him but I wasn’t drunk or anything we were watching a movie on a Sunday night but I guess it was fun and I don’t regret it even though I was taking him a bit more seriously. Also today I posted and insta stories about my cat and he replied which I find kind of funny because I think he might just be trying to stick around. I have no hard feelings but I don’t know why he replies like we’re friends or something. I guess the typical I’ll make minimum effort and see if she sticks around lol

Yea I thought that as well. "Would I want to start something with a guy that approached me at a bar and could do that to any other girl?" Sure, sometimes that works out and people start a relationship... but also means he'll just do it to any other girl. I guess I'm in this situation where I find it really hard to find a partner and when I meet someone who I have great conversations with and treats me nicely I'm already planning my wedding in my mind haha. But jokes aside, in a way I am happy with myself that I was able to cut this before I got hurt. Considering how much I wanted to still see him, making the decision to not do that wasn't easy but in the long run I'm sure this is better for me. And yes maybe leave sex out of the equation for the first dates. Our last date I could definitely tell he was just trying to get in my pants and was almost getting annoyed when I didn't want to. I was wearing a crop top and he kept pulling it up and trying to take my clothes off "in a joking way" while I kept saying no. That was a bit of a turn off for me and kind of helped making the decision to move on.

Yea I completely get that and to be honest my last relationship kind of was like that. It was a bit intense in the beginning because he came on really strong but it was calm and just happened naturally and I actually liked that. I've had exciting encounters that had tons of chemistry, good sex and laughs but ended tragically so I know that initial excitement might not mean anything. I guess I had been in such a dark place for the past two, three months that meeting him gave me a "light at the end of the tunnel" feeling, it definitely helped me start getting over my ex and opened my eyes that there's other people out there because I was so stuck and focused on my ex and felt really alone knowing he didn't want to be with me, and quoting him "I don't see a future with you, I would never have children with you", and other things that really hurt to hear. But I guess commitment, trust and partnership are the main things to focus on, things this guy never showed in the first place.

Yea you're totally right. I'm glad he was honest with me, it's better than saying he only wants me and then going behind my back and hooking up with girls as has happened before with other people in my life. And yea, I wouldn't date someone who would rather spend his birthday with some random. I told him I don't think badly of him, he's allowed to do as he pleases, just I'm not the girl who is going to stick around while he does that. Although we did click since the first time we met, I feel silly for thinking there was something else there when it was only on my part. But I didn't insist or stay, like I usually would've when I was younger. I stayed with a guy for 9 months while he couldn't decide and would be hot and cold until I told him to leave my life and so he did. Years later he came back and tried to approach me again, I gave him a second chance and he did the same thing after our first date. I feel like I've learned that no matter how much I crave, desire and wish to be with the person, it's never worth putting aside your needs. I learned that the hard way... losing people and losing myself. It has hurt so much that it hurts less to lose the person than insisting on something that hurts me. I feel slightly proud of myself for being able to end it with this guy even though I wanted so badly to stay. If someday he comes back, and if I want him, it would only be under the circumstances of us being exclusive. But even though that's what I wish would happen, that somehow he would text me saying "hey I actually shouldn't have said that, I want to be with you, let's talk" and I know that's me daydreaming, I still am choosing to move on and end this chapter. I still think of him obviously but I'm just looking forward and not counting him as part of my plans anymore, like I was doing for the past weeks.

Thanks! To be quite honest, taking the sex away, this guy had a lot of things I liked. For starters we enjoy the same music, the same movies (my life time favourite movie is his favourite movie as well, it's a Japanese not very known movie which is weird), he's into drawing and making shirts - he showed me his art, he's very sensitive and has this way of viewing things similarly to me. We'd spend hooouurs chatting. He planned fun places for us to go, made an effort to see me even after working until late. Very huggy and kissy, always offers to pay even when I tell him he doesn't have to. Would set his phone aside the whole time he was with me. It's like time stopped when we were together. Treated everyone nicely, very funny and polite. Honestly I was falling hard for this guy for so many reasons, and it's just that feeling you have you know? That day when he first sat down beside me I just felt something that I don't feel when other guys approach me. It just clicked and from that day on I couldn't stop thinking about him. And I do wish him well because he made me laugh and made me feel so good at some points. I know it hasn't been long, but been long enough for me to know that he is closer to the ideal partner than my exes were. I've realized that when the sex is really good, it does mess with me a bit and I get attached, so this is something to note for next ones. Also you're right, if the person wants to be with you, that's it. Even though he did say he's not talking to anyone else, he said that when he goes out alone he can't promise he's not gonna hook up with anyone. Which in my point of view is silly, because when you find someone you click with, you'd want to keep them? Right? Right? Lol But I'm glad he was honest and I can move on without us staying together for that long. I still think about him and wish things didn't end this way. But ah oh well. Life goes on

yea I guess I just thought he was really mature... for his age. Lol my housemate is my age and dates a 23 year old and he's really chill and they do great, all his mates have partners as well. But I guess given the circumstances under which I met him and how things developed, this could've gone all ways, including what happened yesterday. What's great is we "ended" this on good terms. No hard feelings, we just both wanted different things and I don't have anything to say about him as a person. To be honest, he's all I want in a guy... Oof, I need to stop talking about him. Haha

Thanks, that means a lot. I am honestly in a delicate moment in my life where I feel very confused. I am honestly exhausted of failed after failed relationships, always trying but never working, always getting my heart broken. I feel like I need to take a deep breath and step back and just have fun for now. And the moment I realised I wasn't having fun with him anymore was the moment I chose to have the conversation. I realised when he told me about his bday, I started getting anxiety. Would it be worth spending the whole weekend wondering who he's with and then him texting me on Monday so we'd go out? Not really... Obviously one month is early but also when you talk to the person everyday and spend weekends together, AND there is feelings you start to wonder. My ex on the first date made it clear he wanted a relationship, on the third week he told me he knew he wanted to be with me. He was always very honest early on thinking - "I have no time to lose" kind of vibe. I kind of learned that with him. Although my ex came on really strong on me and I don't fully agree with how he acted, I let this guy be, reach out to me etc, but also giving him opening and showing I was interested in him. And to me it just wasn't worth knowing his birthday was this weekend and he'd spend all the days with his friends and hooking up with random girls, I knew this time it wouldn't be paranoia, it is actually what he told me he'd do. This was a fun experience though, I felt like I connected with someone and it made me feel like there's people out there I'll connect with. I do want a life partner, but for now I'm just gonna have fun and respect my boundaries.

So he asked me out yesterday for dinner and we went to a really nice place, had some drinks and by 8pm he was kind of rushing me to go to his house. I said I didn't want to just yet so we went to another bar and then we went to his house but I really didn't want to sleep with him without having any conversation first. His birthday is this weekend and he said he's doing x, y and z with his friends which is fine, but he didn't really mention making any plans with me, he's spending the whole weekend with his friends which is fair enough but also kind of upset me I didn't even have a slot there, so I kind of got the hint. So after a few hours hanging out at his house, he was a bit insisting on having sex with me and I was kind of annoyed by that so I said I wanted to talk. I told him that I just got out of a relationship and I'm entering a new situation where I feel a bit confused as to what we are doing, why we're hanging out every weekend and talking everyday and what his expectations for us were, if he had any. He asked what he could do to show me that he likes me and that he's not talking to other girls and I said I already know that, what I want to know is where we stand. And he said well, I want to keep seeing you but I can't guarantee that I won't hook up with other girls when going out on the weekends. And I said, fine, thanks for being honest, but this isn't what I want for myself, we don't have to be in a relationship just yet but the idea of us sleeping together while you go out and hook up with other girls makes me feel very uncomfortable. He insisted he still wanted to see me but I said not like this, not with you seeing other girls too. And we chatted for a few minutes about it, but at least both of us got that out of the way. I feel upset I'm not gonna lie. We have a lot of things in common and chemistry as well and also we got along really well, not once did we have any bickering or anything. I feel upset because when I find someone I like, it's the other person who doesn't want it the same way I do. At least if he was like "let's get to know each other, I'm not interested in other girls and let's see how it goes", but the first thing he said was, I can't guarantee I won't sleep with other people when I'm out. His excuse was he's young and wants to enjoy his life, as if being in a relationship with someone you click with is not cool but hooking up with random girls is? I'll never understand some people... I'm ok with my decision though. I don't feel bad for being honest and even though a part of me just wanted to let it go with the flow, him not including me on any of his days of celebrating his birthday upset me and also how he always kept repeating "you're single, you're free to do whatever you want" just made me feel uneasy. He's been in a relationship before so I felt kind of bad that he didn't actually want one with me, but that's ok. We're just both in different moments of our lives and I also wouldn't jump straight into another relationship but I needed to take a step back because I was starting to fall hard for this guy. I'm ok, not thrilled. I am almost 30 and I'm proud that I was able to "break up" with someone I wanted so badly to be with. If it were before, I would've stayed, accepted the minimum just to have the person. This is the first time I have actually put myself first even if it meant being without the person and when the person said they still wanted to see me. But I'm also frustrated and feeling alone. Thinking why everyone around me can find a partner and I have a hard time with it. Sometimes I feel like this isn't for me? Like, I just constantly have bad luck in finding a partner, lol. Anyway, just a rant...

I feel like growing up in a dysfunctional family, this shaped how I had my relationships during my whole life. I learned in therapy that I have fear of abandonment, because I always longed for the love I never had in my household. I had a narcissistic mom and my dad, who is a sweetheart, wouldn't intervene and she would abuse me psychologically and physically. I really hate the fact that this turned into years of toxic relationships and I sometimes wonder how my life would be like if I had grown up in a loving family. But I also know it's my responsibility to look after myself and learn from the past and work on my personal issues. When I was with this guy, it was like for a day or some hours, he'd make me forget about all my problems, all my heartaches and I just felt happy. And I haven't felt like this in a long time. I feel that way when I'm with friends as well, but with him it was intensified because of a romantic dynamic happening as well. I think I'm also "desperate" to forget my ex. We had such horrible conversations and we went through so much that I am happier without him but I miss him even as a friend. He's a person I know I can count on and the thought of never talking to him again just hurts me so much. Every time we talk he says things like "we need to do a lot of work on ourselves for us to work out together", and other phrases that give me the slightest hope we'll be back together. I remember grasping for the slightest chance to be with him and hoping we'd be ok and he'd always end up breaking up with me and I just feel so free now that we're already broken up and I don't have anything to lose anymore. I've noticed that when I focus on myself more and less on what he's doing, I gain self confidence, but also knowing that he's just a call away gives me that relief that we still have each other. I know I haven't gotten over him completely. I think my life drastically change since the beginning of this year where I set goals for myself to save money, study a lot and take better care of myself. I have been able to eat better but I still struggled a bit with alcohol, but after I got on anti depressants my anxiety has been better. I was seeing a therapist but I didn't connect with her as much, so I'm am in search for another one. Oh wow, I honestly didn't realize how talking about a random guy I met would bring out such big issues... I guess there's a lot of internal work to do

I can't say 100% this guy is a rebound just yet. I went through a really long thoughtful process when I was on and off with my ex with things that I wanted and did not want in a relationship and I realised my ex filled a lot of those slots, but lacked a lot as well. Just as I knew I lacked a lot for him. And meeting this guy was like filling the things my partner lacked. But also, not filling things that I loved about my ex. People say age is just a number but going from a 33 year old to a 23 year old does make a lot of difference I'm not gonna lie. Just today we chatted (my ex) and he told me he went out his mates last night and he's staying in today and I believe him. It's like that, I don't feel like he's just making up things. This new guy on the other hand, I have no idea any time, he just disappears for hours sometimes doesn't talk to me the whole day... But yes, I'm still comparing, mostly because he's the first guy I've been with since I've been with my ex... I feel like I want to stay single but meeting this guy was so unexpected and I just felt this fun connection, you know when you just chat for hours and hours to no end? But I feel like I want to stop getting attached to people that easily.. When I'm not interested it's funny because nothing the person does attracts me, but when I am.... it's so hard to not overthink everything

We broke up about a month or so I'd say. But we were on and off for quite a while already and the relationship wasn't great. We had a lot of different values and viewed things in life a bit different and also I'd say with time he started criticising a lot of my personality, how I dressed, what I eat etc and it got to a point where I noticed I was trying to shape myself for him to like me and when I met this guy I felt like myself again? It was a very weird moment. We also had a lot of arguments when we were together, a chat about politics would turn into a fight, a chat about racism would turn into an argument... we had a really bad communication, I'd say both of us because I also wasn't the greatest. But he no longer wanted to put the effort in by the end of the relationship and I wasn't already feeling alone because he always made excuses to not hang out with me and he became more and more cold and distant to the point where he wouldn't even touch me let alone give me a kiss. It's still hard and I'm not gonna lie I still think we're getting back together. We still chat every once in a while and I'm sure he cares about me but I'm also sure he doesn't want to get back together which is still something I'm trying to accept and also picturing him with someone else hurts because I know he wants a family and we wanted these same things in life and it's kind of hard to find someone who wants the same things. So this guy in a way helped me "forget" my ex and made me feel a bit happy because I was honestly miserable and crying everyday for the past three months going on and off with my ex. Also meeting him in a bar made it kind of fun, as it was more organic than meeting guys through apps. But I do understand that a guy in a bar isn't essentially after a serious relationship, however I tend to think that sometimes you're not really looking but you meet someone and you just want to be with them? I've had a few relationships like that in my life. That's how I feel like this was going... like we didn't expect to get along so well, I was surprised. I'm also on anti depressants now, have quit drinking and doing drugs and I've been eating better. My anxiety has gotten better and even processing thoughts have become clearer for me. But I still have these weird moments where I feel like I don't know how to act when dating? It's like any given scenario where I have feelings for the person, I feel insecure and anxious if the person doesn't make me feel safe. I want dating to be fun but I feel like if I don't have the talk of "where are we standing at", I can't properly relax and have a good time because I'm so afraid the person will just disappear the next day. (like it has happened before)

I actually love these replies because it's like a cold bucket of water on me before I act like crazy. I actually come here but don't act out on him in any way because I know I can be a bit anxious and assume things and create scenarios in my head (which a lot turned out to be true and I struggle finding a middle ground). And you're right about Saturday night, I texted him at 8pm and when he got out of work he was probably already in the mindset to go to bed so it's unfair of me to expect him to be all up and ready to go out for drinks or something. Also you are right, I do not know what he's up to today and won't assume. I did get a bit upset because I was all excited to see him but I think I've had so many bad experiences in the past that it's just "natural" for me to assume the worst. Even though it shouldn't be a rule. My ex boyfriend had no doubts he wanted to be with me. I felt very very very safe and confident with him and I still have those conflicting feelings inside of me. I don't necessarily want him back but I also do miss having that honest connection where even after sleeping with him he was there the next day, and the next and so on... It's hard for me to deal with people that are a bit.. quiet and inconsistent. It's hard for me to know if I should just invest in him or let go. So yeah, maybe I shouldn't ask him in a joking way but I'm also afraid of scaring him off, like "woah we're on our 5th date and you're already talking about relationship girl". And I'll just feel embarassed? I feel like it's a bit tricky for me to handle these situations without sounding like a crazy person

Ok wow this post is pumping! Haha I was quite busy during the weekend so I wasn't able to respond. I've read all the responses and it's opened my mind a lot. Here's a quickie on what happened: So on the day I made this post, later on he texted me if I wanted to hang out this Sunday. He then started making conversation, being all chatty. BUT, that was only until he sent me a random message and I didn't reply to him and posted an insta stories. I agreed on meeting up Sunday and he said he could also see me Saturday night after his work (he works until 11ish pm). I said I would probably be tired and to just leave it for Sunday. We chatted about random things for a bit and that was it. I honestly feel like I don't have the opportunity to get to know him better sometimes... On Saturday night I was out with friends and texted him saying I could meet up with him after work, he texted back saying he was tired but would be keen for a movie at his house. I obviously turned it down and went home. Today he texts me saying his boss got covid and he won't be able to leave the house. I didn't reply for a few hours because I was kind of annoyed that he was canceling on me and that I don't really believe he's telling me the truth. After a while he wrote he's sorry and wished he could see me and would love to see me tomorrow (Monday). I was a bit annoyed but played it cool and said I hope he's feeling okay and that Monday would be good (it's both of our days off). I then said what time and he said around 6pm. Now look, this is a young person that is probably canceling with me to go out with his friends on Sunday night and then cuddling and sleeping with me on Monday when he's tired and there's nothing to do. Which, would be fine, if that's what I wanted as well. So one thing I know is, I want to have fun with this guy, because indeed, I do have fun with him. But I also know myself, after years of dating and weird experiences, that even though I might not have feelings for the guy (which I do in this case), I don't like the idea of having sex and not having a talk about where we stand. Even if it's just casual, I'd rather have it settled in the first month before choosing to continue or not. It makes me feel very used. Especially with the date we set tomorrow, I know we might just go for dinner and then have sex, which the sex is indeed great, it doesn't do it for me anymore... I want something deeper (no pun intended lol). I also know that a lot comes from my expectations, I didn't promise anything to him and neither did he, but I'd rather put aside the conspiracies and just look at how things are for now. And decide if I actually want to continue this or not, because it doesn't seem like it's leading to anything serious and I am not emotionally in a good place to have a FWB with a person I have some sort of feelings for. It is true that I can choose where I stay. I do have a thing for him, but I'm not gonna stay around if that doesn't meet my standards. I used to stick around and hope the person would act a certain way I wanted them to, I've realised now that it's not my responsibility to do that. People will act however they want... I just have to set boundaries and move on. I've decided to see him tomorrow, but I've also chosen that I won't be sleeping with him or having sex. I might jokingly tell him that I don't want to be just a fling and see what he says. Obviously he might eat into my mind and lie just to get laid but I've already made my mind that I won't be having sex with him. That will give me two answers: if he's cool and actually wants to see me again, he'll respect it and ask me out again. If not, he'll be annoyed/disinterested or will tell me that he doesn't want anything serious. Which is fair enough, but just not what I'm looking for, not with him, because I do know that it's a person I could potentially develop real hard feelings for.

My ex is 33, I’m 28 and this guy is turning 24 next week so I get it’s totally different scenarios and life priorities, however no one chooses who you fall with. I’d say I’m looking for something long term but I definitely don’t want a relationship like it was with my ex, where there was love and respect but we just didn’t click on a lot of things and I felt miserable around him. I think a relationship has to be fun on top of everything and I had honest fun with this guy. And also not trying to be a feminist here but I think there’s a lot of misogyny implied in this whole sex thing. I view sex as part of the getting to know and having fun. If the sex is bad or the person is selfish in bed I think that kind of determines a few things, and if it’s good, it brings two closer together. I think it’s still a huge part of western culture that women have to play “hard to get” and let the guy chase when at the end what will determine long term successful relationships is compatibility, not how much you chased the other person. That’s why my ex and I ended and I had sex with him on the third date. I’ve had sex with men and didn’t want to hear from them anymore simply because I wasn’t interested in their personality. The sex itself for me might make me feel closer to the person and if it’s good (like it was with this guy), it’s obviously gonna intensify the feeling I have for him but it’s not going to be a factor that will cause me to fall in or out of love with the person itself. It’s all fun and games and jokes until you’re the one being used for sex so I think at the end of the day it’s just best to be honest, I wouldn’t mind getting rejected Id rather that then being confused about what’s going on. Also I wanted to wait on Friday so I don’t sound too desperate. I understand I have this urge to self sabotage relationships and I came here instead of going to him because I know I can get anxious and make scenarios in my head based on past experiences. But it’s really interesting to see how much this guy was so enamored by me only to not even reply my messages anymore for hours on. Lol

I guess to be it’s a bit weird that sex plays such a big role in this. I see sex as having pleasure but also connecting with the person on a level you wouldn’t connect with just random people. So when I decided to have sex with him it was a mix of sexual desire but also feeling comfortable with him. I understand men usually view sex differently but it wasn’t just a random hook up either. I don’t think he is taking a step back to reevaluate or anything, he’s been very plain and cold whereas before he would be all sweet and funny, it’s like oh you’re the man, treating with indifference after sex a girl that was nothing but nice to you. Obviously I’ll never know for sure and maybe I’m tripping and we’ll see each other saturday but given what’s been happening I don’t think he’ll be honest if he doesn’t want to see me so I think I might have to just tell him to end it there before someone gets hurt