I'm so confused and I really need advice.
Let me just go right into everything that has happened. I was dating this guy, I'll call him Mark, for two and nearly a half years. Now I have some insecurities, mainly trust issues and lack of confidence in myself, that I was allowing to affect my relationship with Mark. We worked together, which was probably our first mistake, and there were two girls that worked with us that I suppose I was a little threatened by. Mark never gave me a good reason to think that he was being unfaithful or that he even was interested in either one of these girls. He was friendly to them, yes, and joked around with them, yes, but he never treated them any differently than any of his other friends. Regardless, I took my insecurities out on him and accused him several times of liking them. I know he probably got tired of it pretty quickly but still he gave me chance after chance and kept asking me to change. He said everything would be okay as long as I was able to get over my insecurities. And I agreed. However, I didn't actively do my part to make those changes. I became more and more aware of them as time went on, but one night we got into a fight and he said something to the affect of "Why do you think I put two years into this relationship if I didn't love you?"
And I said "Because you can't do any better." It was a low blow and I know it hurt him very deeply. About a month following this incident we got into another fight after I accused him again and we decided to take a break. After a few days I finally approached him and told him that I loved him and found out that apparently what I had said about him not doing any better had really been bothering him ever since. But he said he had forgiven me and he was over it.
Well, unfortunately I messed up again. A week ago I did the same thing: accused him of liking this girl. I was very mean to him and he didn't understand why. Needless to say I pretty much lost it and just walked out of my job. About thirty minutes later he calls and tells me that its over because he can't take being treated that way anymore. I guess thats when everything cleared up for me. I realized exactly what I had been doing wrong, I realized that I did have a problem, and that I needed to fix it. I guess it took the real threat of losing him to push everything into the light. Anyhow, the next day I asked to speak with him and I told him that I understood what I had done was wrong, that he didn't deserve the way I treated him and that I was going to start the process of fixing myself. He said "I love you and I'll always care about you but I need time to figure things out." I asked "What do you need to figure out? Just if you still want to be with me or not?" He said yes. I asked "Because of what I did?" And he said "Because of all the things you've done."
Two days later he officially broke up with me saying that he needed to make a decision he wasn't ready to make. He gave me back my stuff and said that if it was in God's plan then maybe we'd get back together later on down the road. I told him that I knew in my heart if he gave me one more chance that I could make it work, that I could fix what I had done, but he said no he just couldn't stand to be hurt anymore.
So I left it at that. I gave him time. I gave him a week. And then I went to him on Friday night, after visiting a therapist that day, to speak with him. I basically told him something like this "I understand that I hurt you and that you need time to deal with that. I understand that I have a problem and I'm working to fix that. I realize now that God is allowing this to happen so that I can fix these issues and I understand that if we were to get back together right now that I probably wouldn't be ready. But say in a month, in two months, when I feel ready I hope that you will be willing to take a fresh start with a new and better me. But if not I will move on and I'll be okay. And I want you to be happy whether its with me or not." He was hurting, I could tell. But he said "I just don't know where I am right now. I don't know what I want. I just don't know but I don't want you to hurt while I'm making up my mind. I want you to move on, date other people, keep your heart open. I don't want to lose all contact with you, I'm here if you need me." So I asked him if he had just stopped loving me and he said "I believe there are different kinds of love. There is 'love' and then there is being 'in love'. I believe that I was in love but I don't know if I am anymore or not and that scares me because I don't know why."
And that killed me more than I showed him. Because I love him so much and I hate to lose something so great over my issues. Over FIXABLE issues. As I was leaving I told him that I would always be here for him and if he wanted me to move on that I would. He said he did. And then I said but I'm not going to lie and say I don't love you, because I do. And when you figure things out, you know where to find me and I will be willing to work with you if thats what you want. I asked him not to forget what I told him. He said he wouldn't. Then I kissed his forehead and left.
And everyday it hurts so much more because I want to hold on to that hope that he may come around. I know that I need time to fix myself, and thats fine, but I desperately don't want to lose him because I KNOW beyond the shadow of a doubt that once I am better I can show him what I should have shown him to begin with. It hurts that he doesn't know if he's still in love with me. And it hurts that after two years he can just drop everything like this. I don't know what to do.. I don't know how to stop hurting.. I hate waking up everyday because I want to believe it was all a dream and that today will be back to normal. And all the memories I have of him.. they break my heart because we were so happy when things were okay. I'm confused because I don't understand how you can just fall out of love with someone? I want to stay friends with him but I'm afraid to call him. I'm afraid he'll feel pressured or crowded. I just want him back..
I don't know what to do. Should I just give him time? Should, when I feel better, I go to him and ask him if he's figured it out? Please help me....
Thanks for reading through this.. It got rather long. And thanks in advance for any advice.
