Long story short: I had a long distance romance with a woman I met on holiday, which started just before lockdown March 2021... we met on a ski holiday in France. We literally got together on the final night... drunken sex etc.
We went back our seperate ways, me back to Netherlands, her back to the UK.
We kept in touch however and had desire to meet again.
Meanwhile I had started dating someone locally. I kept both going at the same time, largely because I was not sure about the one locally and since it was now lockdown time, it was fun to keep avenues open. We met a further 4 times between March and September. Each time for just a long weekend.
In between times, our digital contact was fluctuating in passsion. She wanted things to move fast and I didn't. But I knew I liked her and wanted not to let it go. That was my mistake. I kept seeing both women without eachother knowing. Both wanting more from me than I was giving. Getting increasingly awkward to juggle. But I was also depressed and anxious about the global situation and how I may lose my job and need to return to the UK.
Long story short... we met for a final time in Sept 2020... and then when I got back home, she got wind of me seeing someone else and broke it off. Very angrily. Blocked me on every network.
1 week later a call from her.
She's pregnant.. and it is mine.
My first reaction was warmth and joy, I don't know why because it is a very awkward scenario but I just wanted to be happy for her, and not negative. A few days in I realise this is a terrible situation and express it so. We live in different coutnries. We had broken up. I was seeing someone else, who I was falling in love with.
But she was absolutely adamant that she would keep it no matter what. She blamed me for misleading her about our relationship. I admit that but also stress that it was not yet a serious relationship and was long distance, during pandemic 2020. But I had to decide to be involved or be forever disgraced as the careless father.
So I always said I want to be invovled in some way but that I would not move from Netherlands and I will not be with her in a relationship.
She got extrememely angry about my relationship with the other girl, and threatened to tell her if I don't. This girl is extremely sensitive so it was literally the worst thing that could've happened. I told her eventually and it lead to a period of extreme stress and emotional pouring. I was always adamant that although this was a mistake, I had to be invovled in the child's life in some way however.
I now think this was a mistake.
It has lead to month of mounting pressure from the Mother, who is eternally resentful for the way it has happend. But she also keeps pushing me to be REALLY involved, like be at the birth, be with her for the first 6 weeks, and commit to seeing her and the child for a significant time each month. All with travelling between 2 coutnries during a pandemic, and the stress of losing the woman I actually fell in love with... who is constantly reminding me of how much pain and sorrow I have caused.
We keep falling out, but she really wants me involved... and really involved... like ALL or nothing. Now it is 2 months before the birth and I am wondering whether I should admit defeat and withdraw my involvement. I want what would be best for the child... and I am not sure at the moment, whether me being invovled would just make things much worse for a child than a single Mum who can get on with her life.