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Everything posted by doglover24

  1. My boyfriend (26M) and I (25F) have been together for almost 3 years. We live together. When we first met, he asked to meet my parents almost immediately. Since then, my dad has passed away. My mom is a lot to handle. She has some undiagnosed intellectual/emotional disorders. With that being said, we are both mental health/behavioral health professionals with graduate level degrees. When my mom is around, he doesn’t speak. He will say hello to her but rarely anything more. He doesn’t visit her with me. She has mentioned feeling uncomfortable around him to me and I make up excuses, constantly. Well, this past weekend was my cousin’s graduation party, out of state. I asked him months ago if he would go with me and he said that he would. I was excited, as he has never really spent much time with my mom’s side of the family, as I do not see them frequently. My mom rode in the car with us. He was, of course, dead silent. While out there, he didn’t speak a word to anyone. He just sat there. When someone would try to start a conversation, he would typically give only very short answers. I did ask him if he was okay and he said that he was “bored”. I thanked him multiple times for going with me and all I really got was “uh-huh”. Well, last night, I saw a text between him and his dad (who he idolizes) that was sent on Saturday. He basically said that he felt like he was in Hell and could have been with his dad or fishing instead. I didn’t tell him that I saw it. We frequently use one another’s phones so it’s not like he was hiding it either. Seeing that hurt because my family was welcoming to him, and I constantly go out of my way for his family. I spoil his niece and nephew as if they are my own. I visit his dad and sisters, and have bought them gifts for various holidays/celebrations. I definitely think that we value different things. He is not close with his extended family and doesn’t really communicate with anyone aside from his dad and sisters. He truly only cares for his dad and niece. His dad is very similar, having an uncaring attitude most of the time. I like to think that my boyfriend is more caring than his father though. I can understand being uncomfortable around people that you don’t know, but he didn’t even try. I am at a point where I am ready to think about marriage and settling down. After all, it has been almost 3 years. However, I am now wondering if I should be questioning things. I have overall been very happy in this relationship. We have never really fought about anything. I have some other smaller concerns though. I do tend to spend more on him than he does on me. I almost always pay when we go places and most of the things in our house were purchased by me. I do 98% of the housework as well, including picking up the things that he leaves sitting out. I feel like a bother just asking him to let out the dog. I have put up with these things, but it was the text regarding spending time with my family that truly upset me. As I said, I think we were raised very differently. I was raised to value family and to respect others. It sounds like his childhood did not involve many rules or structure. My thoughts right now are to ask about the weekend in this way: “I know you were miserable with my family over the weekend, and I was just wondering what I could have done to make it better for you? Part of being in a relationship is getting to know one another's families and I just wanted to know if I did something wrong or if something happened that made you feel uncomfortable." I don't want to start throwing around accusations or anything. I think his response to that will determine my next steps and mindset. For a counselor, he is certainly terrible at communicating at times. How would you approach this situation?
  2. I never said that my boyfriend was "creepy" and I never said that I wanted to leave him. We have a house together and we are very happy. They are close because she is the product of his sister's teenage pregnancy and they all lived in the same house when she was younger, and the home was very small. He has never harmed her. She thinks of him as a father figure, as he has basically helped to raise her. It's more so just breaking that boundary.
  3. When I first met my boyfriend, he lived at home with his dad. My boyfriend's niece was 7 at the time we met. She frequently slept over at their house and would sleep in the same bed as my boyfriend. I found it strange, especially since he sleeps in his underwear. Well, it's 2.5 years later and we now live together. Our niece sleeps over pretty frequently. At first, she asked to sleep in bed with us. It never happened, although she would sleep below our bed on the floor. Typically, she now sleeps on the couch. I went out of town for the weekend to visit some family and my boyfriend stayed home. Our niece slept over. When I got home, I asked him if he had found the extra blankets that I put out for her. He said "Uhhh, I just let her sleep in the bed." This child is now 10 years old. She is beginning to physically mature. I'm not concerned in a child services type of way, as I know that my boyfriend loves that child and would never in a million years hurt her. I just feel that it is inappropriate for a grown man to sleep in the same bed as his maturing 10-year old niece, in his underwear. In addition, she still doesn't care if she is naked in front of him. She will take a bath at our house and then walk downstairs butt naked because she "doesn't want to get dressed alone". I am very close to her, but she is technically his family so I don't want to necessarily tell anyone what to do. I do feel uncomfortable by it though. I feel even more uncomfortable by it because it happened when I was out of town. How do I discuss this boundary with both of them? What age do you feel that co sleeping is inappropriate?
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