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Everything posted by Angela5678

  1. I don't know really where to start, but I'll give it a go... Firstly I have been married before and have a child who is at uni. From this marriage. My marriage didn't work out and I met a new guy on a dating website ten years ago who is my current partner and who this post is primarily about. I am in my late 40s and he is ten years older now. He has never been married or had children, telling me he never found the right person. He also told me early on in the relationship that he had only ever had one proper relationship ever and the sex didn't ever happen in that relationship due to his nerves. He dated that woman for around a year.I felt therefore he was sexually inexperienced. I did feel ok with that as I had came out of a relationship with a man who cheated, so I found my new relationship refreshing. This man is kind, generous with his time and money, we get on very well. We laugh at the same things, enjoy many hobbies together as well as having our own interests. We are both academics (although I didn't do both if my degrees untill I met him, and he encouraged me). He is very placid and easy going, something that my ex husband never was. My partner is a good listener, diplomatic and would do anything for me, and has demonstrated his caring nature more times than I can remember. I love my partner, and although he is quiet by nature, his actions seem to demonstrate he loves me. He is a man that seldom says it, but he has said he loves me. Six months into our relationship it did get enter into light foreplay but nothing more, certainly no intercourse. It was mainly touching and oral on him. I thought things would develop over time and his shyness would unravel. I noticed he got erections but they maybe only lasted five minutes tops. I wasn't too worried and he told me at this time he hadn't had proper penetration, but had made attempts during his past relationship. I still wasn't that worried as we had discussed Viagra if necessary. The problem now manifests into far more and what it is like now. I really need help. Over the last few years the foreplay that we once had has dried up completely. He tells me he is not a sexual being any more due to his age and he very rarely thinks about sex any more. This was about five years into our relationship now, which is about five years ago. I just put up with it thinking the relationship was good in all other respects, I am not the type of person to cheat. From that point to present day where we are now, I must of had about one long debate a year with him explaining that I love him, but feel I am missing out on a sexual relationship. He always appeared to listen. His justification was that his body does not need sexual stimulation of any kind any more and can I not survive with just his cuddles and laying cheek to cheek in bed. By that point he didn't like kissing much either, but to be truthful he was never a good kisser, but I still loved him and still do as we have some sort of bond and get on well.We did try Viagra more than once but it didn't really work even when the doctor put it up to the maximum dose, he maintained an erection for five minutes, we tried full sex but his penis was near the entrance of my vagina but for whatever reason it never went fully in. But that is not the problem now or why I write this as it gets more complex so please read on. I had to tell you all this beforehand as it is important to the rest of the story. Most of you will think it very unusual that a man now in his 50s has never ever had proper sex, but not for want of trying especially in the early days of our relationship. We had been for three sessions as a couple to a sex therapist counselling, but he wasn't open or didn't talk much. Afterwards I said it was a waste of money, because he didn't express himself, he said it was because he was shy and he was set in his ways and he didn't want to talk to a stranger about sex. Now moving forward some years to this morning, it all came to a head when I looked on his phone. I knew he had another email account but he said he had set it up for junk mail only. When he was in the bathroom I found the account which was open on his phone. For the last three years he had been sending himself from one email account to another scantly clad women pictures, which appeared to come from Facebook. None of them were nudes, just mainly very big busted brunettes. Buy the way I am a natural redhead. Some of these images were implying lesbians. I was not offended by these, but just curious, not because I understand men masturbate, but just curious because he has told me for years now, he has gone off sex and has no sexual desires or urges whatsoever. Some of the photos were of BBC news readers, weather girls with clothes on, but mostly others were ordinary women in skimpy micro bikinis and sometimes in vintage lacy underwear. They were not people's profile pictures, just women maybe from Playboy's Facebook page type thing. They were sent on a daily basis going back years, he had obviously sent them to himself, some were repeated, always massive fake breasts as the theme and nearly always petite brunettes with large breasts. I just felt shocked that he must still think about sex fairly regularly to do this and I must confront him. Also I thought in my head if he has lied about this what other aspects could he have lied about. When he emerged from the bathroom this morning, I asked straight away that I thought he wa off sex for many years now. He confirmed that he was and never thinks about it at all, stating that the thought doesn't even enter his head. I said to him that I thought he was lying to me. He immediately became defensive and asked me to explain why I called him a liar. I said I had seen images of these women semi nude he had regularly sent himself indicating a sexual theme meaning he must still be interested in sex after all these years and he was lying to me. He shouted like I had never seen him before and said it was a terrible invasion of privacy that I had looked on his phone and how dare I do this. Raised voices went back too and fro until he admitted he does still think about sex regularly and is addicted to fantasy sex. He regularly masturbates however he does genuinely have erection problems. He likes to look at pictures of brunettes who are slim with big boobs and he also watches porn always in secret. He has never let me in on that side of his life as he feels safe in his fantasy world where he can get off, never have to please anyone because his erection problems mean he could be a failure to a woman. However, in fantasy land it's always win win as he can choose the picture and just imagine. He went on to explain that he has an archetype which stated when he was a teenager with the singer Dana, and he prefers small petite women with brown hair. I am a fuller figured lady about a size 16/18 and am a natural redhead. He said he had always lived on instant sexual attraction. For him it's only a certain woman he finds attractive, about one in a hundred, and I was not one of them, but he had grown to love me but it was not a sexual love.He said he still loves me but he gets his sex fix from fantasy land and he never needed to bother me.... As I write this it's 3.35 in the morning I cannot sleep and the tears are racing down my face. What would you do? You're not me I know! I feel very hurt as he went on to say that he feels he is in a relationship with me and we get on well and he sees it more if a companion based relationship with love for me but not sexual love for me. He says there is nobody else. I wan't to believe him, but he has lied to me it appears for ten years now. He had become a very solitary man before I met him after losing his parents to old age and his sibling to illness and has few friends. He is a very untidy man, and I am a very good cook and now am just wondering if I have been used to tidy up, cook and clean, just for my companionship so he is not on his own in old age. I feel he gets his needs met with me with company, love and his sexual needs met in private I found out today. However, what about my needs? I just thought he had gone off sex, but that is not the case, my sexual needs are not met. He is a good kind man, but I feel very betrayed by him today, and if I had not seen the emails I would be none the wiser. I am hoping his secret nature does not reveal anything else. My heart is broken not because of the masturbation, but because of him saying he has gone off sex as he got older, this is clearly not the case. I really do not have anyone to turn to. I couldn't talk to any of my family or friends about this because it is too personal and we are not like that as a family and never have discussed things of this nature. Posting in here with anonymousity seems easier somehow. Any reflections or advice appreciated. I cannot see the wood for the trees. I am a very sensitive person. To say he doesn't find me sexually attractive ever but he does find attractive qualities in my personality doesn't make me feel better, in fact it's soul destroying knowing that I may be the cause of his erectile problem, however I think it existed somewhat before he met me. I feel it is him who has the dysfunction with sex not me. I consider myself quite attractive, and have always had a good sex life with my four other previous boyfriends when I was a lot younger and before I was married. It must also be said my partner weighs 20 stone, is very big built, but doesn't necessarily look it as he is very tall. I would say he is average looking, with a more than average size penis, however, I go for a person as a whole and never had an archetype myself, people just grow on me if I like them. My partner also tells me today he can sepetate sex from love. I don't think I can as a woman. Please help.
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