I have been in a relationship for 11 years. The beginning was good, but there was still some toxicity at the start. After only a couple of weeks this person thought we should just be friends. I said no, I want more than friendship, I went to leave, they stopped me told me they loved me? Okay... so we kept dating, I was a completely different person back then, and when I was dating this person I wanted to do more in my life, go to school, have a successful career, she inspired me, but the more I began to achieve -she would get mad or jealous about it, that I took it away from her?
She was in school prior to our dating and dropped out. Her parents were heavy pill/drug users. She couldn’t go into the kitchen and eat when she wanted to because their schedule was a winding clock, had her or me go to the store every day for junk food and cigarettes. I had a part time job living with my parents going to school, invited her to move in. I must also mention I was basically a bum who smoked all night and some of the day, but when we started dating she inspired me to stop, so I did. She was on prescription medications and said she needed to stop taking them. I agreed, told her she should seek professional help for it. It never happened. Even after many arguments.
I stayed with her, we got a place together after a couple years, but she just wouldn’t do anything, not even take a shower. She was depressed about life, so... I got another vehicle and told her go back to school, etc. then she had a fear of driving and doing things on her own. I reinstated she get a psychiatrist and therapy, but she would and still only wants to go to a dr for prescriptions she knows are bad for her. I’ve felt like I’ve just been taking care of someone who wants absolutely no responsibility in life. I haven’t been perfect what so ever either, it got to the point to where I just felt bitter about the whole thing. Anyway...
I always make sure bills are paid, we have room for money, etc. after a few years renting I got higher paid job/position somewhere. We talked about getting a home, which we searched high and low within budget considering I was the only income and she went out and got disability. And I will say that her getting disability wasn’t entirely her whole idea, but my mother told her she might want to because of her inability to do things... she agreed and they gave it to her with not much effort... I didn’t like that and neither did she for a while...
I was working my new job, she was happy and also unhappy about it. We were looking at houses but most of the time she didn’t want to go. I told her I wanted to get married, but a house, one child would be okay, but we weren’t trying to have a child or anything. She was afraid of losing her disability if we got married and I said so who cares you don’t need it. We will make due! You can go to school or get a job. It’s not too late, but there was this fear of driving- which was never an issue in the small town, but became a huge issue after moving to a bigger area... she still never seeked help. I did a couple of times for her but she didn’t seem to want it. I feel like I’ve had too much responsibility in the relationship and I’d voiced that. I haven’t felt like me in a very long time. I feel so dragged down and exhausted. Not to mention, 2018 her mom died, I supported however I could, did what I needed to do for emotional support, right after her dad died, I was unsure of everything then but I did and still do what I can, so.... she has no family but our toxic seeming relationship has went avoided so long. Here we are today
She wanted to stop taking birth control for health reasons. I was okay with it, we said if we get pregnant we will keep it, but she was always reluctant on the subject as well, her being on the meds she’s on, vaping, etc. well
She got pregnant, she was distraught, said she couldn’t do it, but I felt happy and told her this could be your key to getting better. I told her I wanted to be a dad, but I took her to get the abortion because she said she can’t be a mother, has too many things wrong and I’m just... I just want to let it all go because I feel like we should have gotten married after a couple of years, she could have gotten better, got a job, career, now I just feel like a lot is being taken away from me and just kind of numb and I suppose tired of no balance in responsibilities even... and if I leave her or tell her to leave that’s 11 years wasted I feel like and she only has one friend she could go to, no real family that actually cares. At the same time I feel my mental health, physical health and way of living has gone down hill. I had even started taking a prescription to help me sleep, now I’m weaning from it and trying to get back to my healthy lifestyle, but I’m afraid I go to the lifestyle I want she’ll have something bad to say about it, but I’m at the point to where I don’t even care and feel nothing. Sorry this is such a long post, but am I wrong if I just dropped everything? I feel like it’s too little too late and it will just never get any better..