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theavoided

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  1. I have been with someone for ten years. The relationship has been toxic from the beginning. I’ll start there. I wasn’t with anyone for a while and started dating who I’m with now. I liked her and she inspired me to change my life. She later started getting envious, mad, blaming me for “taking it from her” which I was living healthy getting an education, goals, career goals, etc. I tried to inspire her to do the same, get off meds she didn’t need to be on, etc. but she never would. I got us 2 vehicles, she just never did anything, stays up all night, on phone, watching tv, doing a few minor things around the house, never cooks or cleans, if I try to do these things she gets upset and stops me and says I think she’s not good enough and says I’m just trying to prepare myself for leaving her. There has been no way I or she can complain or address issues in a good way, it always ends up with arguments. A few years have past since her mother (right after her father) have died. I was there to support, did a lot to help her through, but our relationship was bad before this. Her parents were both highly medicated as well, abusive household, etc. She had decided to get off birth control so I said I was fine with that, we discussed if we were to have children what to do? She didn’t really want to talk about it and I just said hey, if it happens cool, I’m ready to be a dad and it would be good for you too! Well it happened but she was so upset that she was and calling herself stupid for getting pregnant. I told her I felt like we should keep it, she did not agree and aborted after 8 weeks. I just feel so bad about it and don’t know if I can continue to live the way we have been living, it doesn’t even feel like a relationship sometimes, just there to be with someone so we are both not alone. I had stopped wearing my ring (still not married because she can’t get to a functional lifestyle to do anything) and there was a new colleague that began giving me some signs and signals that she liked me, so now I’m just thinking do I end this, stay single for a while and then start looking? I’m 33 about to turn 34. I just feel like the past ten years we haven’t done anything romantic couples do. Take pictures, get married, split responsibility, take values. I would like to have a family, but I don’t think I’ll ever have what I want out of life with this person, all they did was drag me down for years. The person at work kind of flirting also opened my eyes, not that I want to jump on that per say, but just that there might be healthier options. Not to mention she had started giving me a medication and now I’m weaning from what she helped get me started... I know it’s a lot, but I’m hoping someone can give me advice and a way to escape, I have tried to get her therapy and help, offered to take her places, be there. I don’t know, it’s not easy and I feel bad because she won’t really have anyone if I do leave her.
  2. I have been in a relationship for 11 years. The beginning was good, but there was still some toxicity at the start. After only a couple of weeks this person thought we should just be friends. I said no, I want more than friendship, I went to leave, they stopped me told me they loved me? Okay... so we kept dating, I was a completely different person back then, and when I was dating this person I wanted to do more in my life, go to school, have a successful career, she inspired me, but the more I began to achieve -she would get mad or jealous about it, that I took it away from her? She was in school prior to our dating and dropped out. Her parents were heavy pill/drug users. She couldn’t go into the kitchen and eat when she wanted to because their schedule was a winding clock, had her or me go to the store every day for junk food and cigarettes. I had a part time job living with my parents going to school, invited her to move in. I must also mention I was basically a bum who smoked all night and some of the day, but when we started dating she inspired me to stop, so I did. She was on prescription medications and said she needed to stop taking them. I agreed, told her she should seek professional help for it. It never happened. Even after many arguments. I stayed with her, we got a place together after a couple years, but she just wouldn’t do anything, not even take a shower. She was depressed about life, so... I got another vehicle and told her go back to school, etc. then she had a fear of driving and doing things on her own. I reinstated she get a psychiatrist and therapy, but she would and still only wants to go to a dr for prescriptions she knows are bad for her. I’ve felt like I’ve just been taking care of someone who wants absolutely no responsibility in life. I haven’t been perfect what so ever either, it got to the point to where I just felt bitter about the whole thing. Anyway... I always make sure bills are paid, we have room for money, etc. after a few years renting I got higher paid job/position somewhere. We talked about getting a home, which we searched high and low within budget considering I was the only income and she went out and got disability. And I will say that her getting disability wasn’t entirely her whole idea, but my mother told her she might want to because of her inability to do things... she agreed and they gave it to her with not much effort... I didn’t like that and neither did she for a while... I was working my new job, she was happy and also unhappy about it. We were looking at houses but most of the time she didn’t want to go. I told her I wanted to get married, but a house, one child would be okay, but we weren’t trying to have a child or anything. She was afraid of losing her disability if we got married and I said so who cares you don’t need it. We will make due! You can go to school or get a job. It’s not too late, but there was this fear of driving- which was never an issue in the small town, but became a huge issue after moving to a bigger area... she still never seeked help. I did a couple of times for her but she didn’t seem to want it. I feel like I’ve had too much responsibility in the relationship and I’d voiced that. I haven’t felt like me in a very long time. I feel so dragged down and exhausted. Not to mention, 2018 her mom died, I supported however I could, did what I needed to do for emotional support, right after her dad died, I was unsure of everything then but I did and still do what I can, so.... she has no family but our toxic seeming relationship has went avoided so long. Here we are today She wanted to stop taking birth control for health reasons. I was okay with it, we said if we get pregnant we will keep it, but she was always reluctant on the subject as well, her being on the meds she’s on, vaping, etc. well She got pregnant, she was distraught, said she couldn’t do it, but I felt happy and told her this could be your key to getting better. I told her I wanted to be a dad, but I took her to get the abortion because she said she can’t be a mother, has too many things wrong and I’m just... I just want to let it all go because I feel like we should have gotten married after a couple of years, she could have gotten better, got a job, career, now I just feel like a lot is being taken away from me and just kind of numb and I suppose tired of no balance in responsibilities even... and if I leave her or tell her to leave that’s 11 years wasted I feel like and she only has one friend she could go to, no real family that actually cares. At the same time I feel my mental health, physical health and way of living has gone down hill. I had even started taking a prescription to help me sleep, now I’m weaning from it and trying to get back to my healthy lifestyle, but I’m afraid I go to the lifestyle I want she’ll have something bad to say about it, but I’m at the point to where I don’t even care and feel nothing. Sorry this is such a long post, but am I wrong if I just dropped everything? I feel like it’s too little too late and it will just never get any better..
  3. First I need to say I’ve been with someone for 10 years. I’ve been happy, but after a few years began to become unhappy and just felt like I’ve been deteriorating. When we were first together I wanted to better our life. She has never worked in her life. She doesn’t really do a whole lot in general for me nor herself. She will make my coffee and lay out some clothes, but never cleans, comes to hug or kiss me. She has never done this, maybe in earlier dating years. I am always the one who initiates any kind of intimacy or love. She gets disability and has said she can’t really do much and is on a few different medications (which I really don’t think is necessary) I used to do drugs but gave up when I met her because it inspired and motivated me to do so and to better mine and her life. She never takes showers. Never is up in daylight to do normal every day things. She suddenly gained an immense fear of driving and doesn’t like to even go anywhere alone. I basically feel like I’m taking care of a disabled child. What makes matters worse is both of her parents died a year apart from each other. I have tried to be supportive, but I can’t even get her to go pick a headstone for them and it’s been a year and then she blames me for not taking her? She wakes up at night and randomly will be in different moods. I bought us a house, we have two vehicles. I have given everything I can give physically and emotionally. She is two years older than me which isn’t much of an age difference. But... there is someone at work I have started to work with and she’s really nice to me and kind of seems like she might like me, but I don’t know for sure. She’s a pretty successful and independent person but she is 10 years younger than I am. I just feel bad for having this kind of “crush” if you will. Am I wrong for liking this other person? I don’t really know them, but the conversations I have when I am with them are fun, but I feel bad for feeling this way about another person. I am not sure what direction I should take. I feel like, I don’t even know.
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