Okay, this is the first time I've ever written to strangers for advice, but I'm feeling pretty alone.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years, we live together. He is about 10 years older than me, and what attracted me to him initially(we worked together) was that he seemed like a no-nonsense, "what you see is what you get" and I found that so refreshingly sexy. Anyway, things are good/okay, typical ups & downs of life thing, until over the summer when I began helping him clean up his property to possibly sell(we both own our own homes), and I started finding evidence that he was never in the military as he claimed. Not trying to snoop, but you just come across things cleaning a house. This past Thanksgiving I finally confronted him about it, how I didn't give two ***s whether he was or wasn't, but I did care about the fact that he lied, over & over, about it. Pretended to have PTSD and everything.. and that him being who he said he was why I was in the relationship initially and it all felt like a lie. He actually cried, said it was his biggest shortcoming, how he wanted to tell me so many times but knew how much honesty meant to me, so he didn't. ...however that makes sense. If HE had told ME instead of me confronting him, it would've meant so much more. But he didn't. We eventually agreed to try and work through it. But after that night he never attempted to bring it back up. I've felt resentment and such since then but have tried to sort through those feelings in myself, as everything else seemed okay..
We haven't had sex since then, I think because of my hurt and negative feelings toward him, but I felt like we were making progress to get back on stable ground. 3-4 months later, or last week, I found a piece of a condom wrapper under the passenger seat in his car. My immediate reaction was just being SO sure he's cheated. I didn't even want to hear his side, I was just DONE. We were staying at my house, he went to work, I called off, washed his clothes, folded them, gathered all of his things, set them all nicely on the porch. I wrote a note explaining that I knew, we were done, and that I hope he finds happiness. I felt I was being quite mature, even if I was listening to Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats" envisioning smashing his truck up as I was nicely folding his clothes..
Anyway, he gets home, reads the note, starts banging on the door(I slipped his key off the ring) begging for me to talk to him. Being reasonable, I was like, okay, I'll let him say what he has to say. He straight up denied it, said one of us must've tracked in from one of our bedrooms(remember, we haven't had sex in over 3 months). I find this extraordinarily farfetched, but he's got me doubting myself very severely. "When would I have time??" Idk, dude, cheaters make time. "I would never do that to you, you know how much you mean to me!" People cheat on the ones they "love" all the time. "You just feel this way because I lied to you before!" No ***, buddy. "I admitted I lied before, I would admit this if it were true!" ...probably not when you saw I was DONE and you're desperate to save this relationship..
But I have a terrible time maintaining anger, felt utterly exhausted with it all.. let him back in, even though in my heart I don't believe him(and I'm a goddamn rational person, I always CHOOSE to believe because I feel suspicion just kills the person feeling it... or maybe I'm ***ing stupid. One of the two.)
It's been almost a week, I've brought up how I still don't trust him he gets all calm, acting like he'll help me work through these feelings... like it's something wrong with me. Then he tries to get out of the subject..
I guess I know I need to leave, as even if somehow it isn't true he cheated, there is literally no trust in this relationship. I just have no one to talk to (I'm in the medical field, this pandemic has effectively isolated me from all of my friends/family, the closest of which lives 6 hours away). I guess the point of writing this is for external confirmation about whether or not I'm being crazy, if it's as obvious to others that he's lying, etc..
So, anyone have an opinion?