I will try to keep this short, I appreciate anyone who reads this and gives advice. So last year me and my ex gf broke up at the end of August, im 29 live on my own and shes 27 lives with parents 50 minutes away. We were together for 2 years, broke up in the first year for like 2 months due to her saying she stopped missing me, wanted to focus on her career which is her first job as a special needs teacher. We broke up at the exact same time last year as we did in the first year when she had school holidays.. shes one of them who constantly needs to be doing things. Anyway, the reason we broke up last year is because again she said she stopped missing me, didnt feel the same. We met up and had a good chat, she said she loved me still and we planned to go away for a weekend, the next day she tells me we need to break up as its just not right... hours later she tells me that shes going to see a doctor for depression/panic attacks/anxiety.. as shes been feeling like that since the start of the pandemic and being off work. She told me she was given anti depressents from a doctor but decided not to take them due to the side effects, before going back to work she went for a self assessment to see if she needed help but they decided she was fine as once she went back to work everything was fine with her.
Couple weeks later she tells me shes decided to stay single for the near future as she loves me as a friend but nothing more.. weeks went by and shed send the odd message if she saw a status of me or a photo.. so these small messages from her went up until the end of september start of october. I saw her on tinder/bumble so obviously i lost my cool and i shouldent have i know.. then she told me she has no feelings for me anymore and to move on.. (she said these exact same things and went on dating apps the first time we broke up) i could see she deleted my number from whatsapp as the profile photo disappeared and she confirmed it but said she would keep my number in archived.. i dont know if she has or if she knows it in her head. She has my email anyway and knows where i live. So since like mid November i havent seen her on any dating apps or messaged her, i blocked her off social media and deleted her number even though i know it in my head.
My issue is every day I still think of her, i miss her, she was the only one ive properly loved and had stuff in common with, our families were amazing together and we were both well loved. She was confident.. i cant help but feel my ways screwed it up and i have learnt from it i guess.. but its now March and not a single word or anything... i know ill never hear from her again but after all the hot and cold, pain and messing me around i still want her back. Ive dated others and got nowhere.. obviously the lockdown hasnt made anything easy. Whats crazy is that ive sometimes even dreamt of her in my sleep lol... ive spoken to councelling at work who say the same things, get a hobby, focus on yourself.. and im trying! its hard when gyms are closed right now but ive signed up to a personal training programme which begins next week. I just cant help but feel she will always be a void in me, and I wish for her to reach out so we can at least meet up and talk. But yeah, I miss her every day, i cant forget and be happy.