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AnnaKarenina

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  1. I have no idea what's going on. In the last three days, we cut off all communication and started communicating again three times. And none of those things were initiated by me. After that conversation that served as closure for me (him saying that I got it all wrong and no, he did not want to keep seeing me), I didn't reach out, deleted the number and all. And then, the next morning I got a text from him, we talked, he told me he stopped seeing that other girl and asked me what I wanted and what I meant by saying I'm okay with casual. Then, out of the blue, he blocks me. I again do nothin
  2. Thank you. I certainly do intend to try and limit my oversharing a bit more. Especially when it's futile, like me just repetitively complaining to a friend about how miserable I am lol.
  3. Honestly, the reason I don't like books that give advice on dating (the reasons I don't like any of the self-help industry are much deeper, but I don't feel like talking about it right now), because they sound like stupid rules that I don't want to play by. You know, if I want to see a guy, I'll call. If I want to sleep with a guy, I'll do it. If that makes a guy run away from me because I'm too "available" or "I don't present enough of a challenge", so be it. I truly think that relationships should be based on getting to know the other person for what they are and if you both like each other,
  4. They are my friends and they never openly show or tell me I'm boring them to death. I just think that I do. Also, I have to say that I am a good friend to them too. I listen to their problems, I help with things I can (sometimes to the point of feeling like they rely on me for stuff they really could do themselves), I am there when they need me and I also (occasionally) know how not to be a downer and have fun with them. So I'm not terrible all the time. But I do know I tend to talk a lot about my issues (because it helps me to see other people's perspective and because it helps me sort out
  5. I did it today, and I do think it helped! It was very messy, my thoughts were everywhere, but at the moment I'm not feeling terrible. So thank you for giving me a good idea!
  6. Truth be told, more stuff has happened today (none initiated by me, I must say) that kinda messed up that closure. However, I am in no mood to overanalyse it, which I guess is a good thing. I do feel like none of the rejection on his part was personal, and that helps. Like, I don't feel like I did anything "wrong", or that I behaved in some crazy way. So, I'm trying to not even think about it, to remind myself we didn't really know each other well and that it was probably the novelty, the excitement, the relief of not thinking about other stuff that I liked. I did like him as a person too
  7. I guess I needed this as a reminder to actually relax into my journal. I mean, I used to write letters to my ex (that I never sent, obviously) as a form of release. But journaling feels weird for some reason. I'll try it today, see what happens. Set out 20 minutes and just write whatever pops into my head.
  8. Against all better judgement, I called him. I realised that a person like me has two options. Either call and come off as desperate/clingy/completely crazy to get attached in such a short time or try to play it cool while torturing myself with rumination and worse, developing fantasies. I asked him if he ever thought he could feel something about me. He said he didn't, it was just fun and we agreed that's all there is. He was very nice and when I apologised for calling, he told me that he's happy to answer any questions I have so that I wouldn't be troubling myself with not knowing s
  9. It is true. I was never that attracted to a person before in a purely physical way and the fact that we did have something will someday serve as a cool ego boost. I also managed to stop being afraid of sex (I was before, because of some issues from my LT relationship). So yeah, someday these will be great memories. Strange thing is, I had meaningless sex before and that just got me detached from a person I did it with. Like, before we did it, I thought we could be friends. After we did it, I was repulsed by him. So I truly did not expect to get attached. I guess it happens. And I guess
  10. I think you are completely right. That it felt nice and distracted me from not feeling nice in a long time, so I got attached too quickly. More to a feeling than to a person. It just signals that I'm not that better than I was before and that is something I need to handle myself, not rely on someone to lift my spirits. Good for you, I'm glad to read anyone's success story about dealing with depression/anxiety. It gives me hope in a way. Keep up the good work and I hope you continue to get better and better.
  11. Honestly, I'm not big on self-help books of any kind. I like reading in general, but something about the entire self-help industry just irks me to no end. I do have friends, thought not so many. But I think I bored them to no end with my constant bad moods. And that they always try to console me with "it'll get better" or "you deserve better". I often wish to tell them that I don't really care what I deserve, I would just like to get what I want for once lol. But yeah, I have friends and have hobbies. Journaling is one of those things that I can do myself that I do think can help, the re
  12. I felt like that before treatment, then during treatment I could still objectively say my life sucks, I just didn't think about it a lot (truth is, I was better while on meds, but I didn't use that time to actually start fixing what caused all this in the first place, so I felt that meds are just an easy feelgood option), then after discontinuing I was almost fine for about two months, then fell back into the spiral of feeling terrible most of the time.
  13. True. They say (I know it isn't true, but it's comforting) that you get over a relationship in half the time relationship lasted. Well, going by that I should feel better in two weeks lol. I know. And he was very honest about it, too. I guess I just got carried away in feeling good and didn't stop to think I should not allow myself to think about it as anything more than what it was - a fling, based mostly on physical attraction. But I can't help thinking if he actually decided to end it because in those moments it felt like more to him too. He did say that one time that he has no ide
  14. I know it's about control. But at the moment, that feels like the only thing I have control over. And I'm not ready to let it go. And it's not like I'm starving myself or anything. I am at a healthy weight, that I just enjoy maintaining which occasionally means exerting more control over what and how much I eat. I know it's unhealthy to keep disordered eating as a coping mechanism. But at the moment, it is the only coping mechanism I have. If I stop counting calories and charting my weight, I'll just have more room for thoughts about me being an unlovable failure and my life being dul
  15. I would really like to write it, but I feel silly writing about something that was never a relationship. Also, when I do write, I worry about it being good writing, it's almost like I expect someone to read my journal or something like that. I never know how to relax and just write whatever I'm feeling.
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