throoawao

You are answering it yourself, it was 4 whole years, of course it'll be difficult to move forward. Take a pause from dating to spare both yourself and anyone who would be of your interest. Don't do rebounds, they don't help anyone at all. Take time, heal, if you feel necessary, date casually (as in give them a heads-up that you are not ready for anything serious), and enjoy your me-time for now. The next person will come around when you are ready for it, don't go out looking for it quite yet.

I think this is a major major issue. I understand if someone lives at their parents to build themselves up, and when they do, they make sure their family is provided for. But this is different, he's 30 and he is fully dependent on one or the either. You are his partner, you shouldn't have to provide for him. If anything, he should be providing for you and not mooching off of you. Being constantly dependent on generational handouts is scary because it leads the person to be too immature to provide for themselves, and if he is spending money elsewhere, then he is being narcissistic and only caring about himself and what he wants. I had a partner like that, and I cannot imagine him ever being a dad or a father because he would be dependent on me to provide. There are women who are ok with that, but I personally would not be

Maybe he has a second life? You did say he is older, and lied about his age, maybe he lied about other things too, like having a wife or gf. Besides that, from my experience relationships that are on/off, breaking up and getting back together, blocking, unblocking, does not last. You should explore other options, and yes, I do think the relationship is over at this point. I know it might be hard to finally see it be over, but it's better to move on to better things.

Well did you ask her about her opinions about sex and relationships? Maybe she only sees having sex in a relationship, which make sense why she seems guarded. Or, if you don't want to ask her, just next time you guys get physical, try to do a bit more than just makeout and see how she reacts-- maybe you will get your answer that way. I agree with some of the above posts... don't rush to have sex, you need to build a connection first to see if you guys match well without the physical, and if you do, well the sex should be just be an incredible bonus, not a reason to continue seeing each other.

I think you break it off earlier than anticipated as a subconscious defense mechanism. I think you're similar to me, but correct me if I'm wrong: you gain emotion from sex and you want to postpone that vulnerability as long as possible because you really want to make sure the person you will be with will respect your emotions. You probably break it off earlier to protect yourself from the possibility of getting hurt. You'd probably be less hurt breaking it off with them than them breaking it off with you. You probably give into the pressure because of your natural physiological desire to have sex. Maybe you also give into it because the pressure convinces you you want the same as them. From my experience, I think most men would jump faster at the opportunity for casual sex than most women. I think you need to answer this question within yourself-- are YOU (outside of any external factors/pressure/attraction) capable of having casual sex? many women are, and they are fine with it, but some are a bit more emotional than others. If you are fine with having casual sex, then go for it, and you will meet your match who will respect it. If you're not ok with having casual sex, tell that to your date from the beginning -- say you're not looking to have sex until a relationship, or whatever your desires are. If they don't respect it and keep pushing, then get the courage to leave them because they are not fulfilling your conditions into a relationship. Do what makes YOU happy and content.

I don't think it would be weird if you'd hit her up again. We all have this thing called life going on. 5 months isn't as long as you think. People reconnect after years and hit it off again. Don't be insecure in your desire to reach out to her, just do it and see the response. Here are a few scenarios of what can happen: a) she won't reply. So, you'll know she's not interested for a variety of reasons, whether its that she met someone else or is not looking to date now. b) she will reply and give you a reason of why she can't meet. Some reasons could the ones listed in a) or could be that she was annoyed that it took you so long to message back. If its the latter, you could tell her why you didn't message earlier, and if you both find it forgivable then you could proceed. c) she will reply and agree to chat more/meet up. This is the best scenario for you, so message her expecting c) and if you get a) or b) then well, at least you tried. We lose all of the chances we don't take. Message her, you have nothing to lose.

This is a great quote, "don't fish in a pond of catfish if you want to catch salmon". I suppose I was just checking out the waters, seeing what's out there. I have no care for ethnicity, religion, etc. In the long run, I'd like to settle down with a respectable, stable man who is interested in a monogamous relationship with kids. So as you say, perhaps the more I date the more chances I'll find the right guy.

Ok. I started dating again. Woohoo! I knew I was ready when I didn't crave it to ease any insecurities. Thus far, since last spring, I dated/entertained a few guys: Guy#1: My best friend's cousin. She has been wanting us to get together for the longest time, as we're the same age, both in similar places in life/career, and are both from similar families. I decided to give it a shot, I went on a date with him, then went on another, and I was well, swooped off my feet. I liked him, and he liked me. We both vocalized that we enjoyed each other's company and my best friend told me he told her that he wanted to continue seeing me. I also wanted to continue to explore whatever we had. Then, he randomly messaged me telling me he's not ready for anything serious. I was upset, but wasn't hurt. I was happy he was honest and within a few months, I started to date again. I still feel (embarassingly) hopeful he may change his mind and get back in contact with me when he does eventually want something serious. Guy#2: Vacation fling. I went on a girls' trip and met a guy at the club. We both enjoyed each other's company, made out quite a lot, and had a good time while I was vacationing in Cali. I'm from Jersey, so we both agreed the distance would not allow us to work out because we had our work/family/friends and life in states of opposite coasts. Guy#3: Mismatch. Talked with him a bunch over the years on IG, but we never met. When we did, we had a connection. We had a lot to talk about, and a lot in common. We both wanted the same things: a relationship with more/less serious intentions, and we can see where it goes with no rush. We broke things off because he decided he wanted to fully focus on his career, and could not make any serious promises for a relationship. This was the first guy I cried about after my breakup. The way we broke things off was strangely emotional-- we didn't date long enough to be very attached, but for some reason we felt very sad to part ways. Guy#4: Another mismatch. He seemed perfect on paper. He was in grad school (like me), similar immigrant background to my own, very kind, attractive. But, our connection didn't seem there... I know what a connection is like, and this was not it. I think it was mutual and we eventually stopped talking. There was nothing to end. Guy#5: Current. He's my age, in grad school too, we met up on a few dates. We have crazy physical chemistry. He's very charming and seems to know what he wants. We want similar things, an eventual connection to something serious but not in a rush. But this man is not consistent at freaking all. Last week, we hung out for the first time, and during our date he told me he wants to see me again. During the week, we exchanged a few texts here and there and he mentioned hanging out again (earlier in the week). But then he didn't text until the day we planned to meet. 2nd date, went well, and during kissing he said he likes me and mentioned again to hang out the following week. It's Tuesday, and he kind of seems to be very distant and has not reached out at all, besides literally two texts during the weekend. Am I being too needy, or do I have reasonable concerns? From this disappearing it feels like he could be ghosting or quick to ghost, or is this an overreaction? I know he didn't promise anything esp from only two dates, but I can't help but think he maybe met someone else. I suppose the weekend will roll around and everything will be clear. but god damn-- this dating thing makes us vulnerable as HELL Thoughts? Advice? Let me know, how the heck should I attract the "right" man? Best, Throo

Hey all. Another question to see how others dealt with breakups, but now regarding the intimate side. quick backstory- I (23F) was with a guy for 3.5 years, very serious relationship, and he was the first guy i was ever intimate with, in all respects besides making out. Of course, it was always scary to leave him because I was always concerned that I wouldn't find anyone better physically, because I had no one to compare with. However, I eventually realized that the relationship was doing more harm than good, and I put all my fears aside as we parted ways. It's been about 6 months. I've taken my time and truly am in the process of fully healing so I could be my best self for my next partner, however, the intimate aspect of our relationship always took me back. At the end of the day, he's the only one I could associate those pleasures and moments of intimacy with, and that sometimes stings me. What especially gets me is thinking that he is intimate with others, though I know its so silly to be bothered by that, because I will eventually be intimate with someone else too, I just suppose it is icky to think of someone who you thought was yours, with some other woman. How did you guys get over your first intimate lover? Does it just go away when you have sex again? I want to wait for the right guy to come along, and really have that relationship be what I've been looking for, so I suppose wouldn't want to hookup to just associate new memories. with love, Throo

Oh, Ok, thanks for letting me know Batya. I was judging from my experience, and actually what I said was what a school nurse once told me. I'm not fearful of others vomiting, cleaning vomit, or having people even vomit on me, it's mostly just the fear of the potential embarrassment that I think stemmed from seeing others in those situations. And yes, I most certainly would never project my fears onto future kids. With love, Throo

Hey Wiseman2, who are you to be telling me what I have or don't have? You're judging through posts in a forum that I have been using to alleviate a lot of negativity, thus why my posts may be radiating negativity. This is a forum for people to express how they feel, and more often than not, the bad about what they feel and get advice on what to do next. This forum was my escape to give and receive advice from people going through similar situations. I feel quite disturbed in your forceful advice and your assumptions about my mental health. I have never had depression episodes, or "other issues" that you are pushing onto me, and actually, my mental health is most totally my business. My post about emetaphobia asked about what others do to resolve theirs, and Wiseman2, if I feel that therapy and a medical evaluation is something that I most truly need, I will make sure to get it outside of your advice. Thank you for your understanding. With love, Throo

Thanks a lot for all your responses. Those suggesting therapy, yes I certainly considered it and may pursue it if it truly gets out of hand. However, those who suggested online communities that provide support, I think I'll try that as the next resort. I think that desensitization is the best way to combat this, constantly being shown that it is not a scary or crazy thing to happen, and will eventually just become a feeling that comes and goes. I was able to do this before when I would mediate, do yoga, be active, and be have work/school. I think that with the constant sitting at home because of my current lifestyle, I fell into the traps of my fears. And actually, those mentioning the physician, may not have had emetophobia experiences before. I'd go to my doctor all the time because of this issue, and the diagnosis from him and other doctors was the same, nausea due to food poisoning or stomach flu. And many kids who are constantly at the nurse's office during school because of a 'stomach ache', are most likely emetophobic -- fear and adrenaline have a funny way of acting on your digestive system. Physicians are hardly ever equipped to handle this issue that actually really comes from your head and not at all your digestive system, prescribing anti-nausea medication would be a great safety net, I agree, I have considered that too. & thanks @Batya33 about the methods, I will certainly look it up. Also, yes, I think it's a great idea to go for non-food dates first. Thanks everyone so-so much, I appreciate all the comments and gentle support. with love, Throo

Haha, thanks for this great story line. I think it definitely helped with desensitization when it comes to this fear.

Thanks everyone for your advice, really helpful, and allowed me to understand truly where he was coming from. I knew I wasn't delusional in thinking that this was his way to strike emotion out of me, I suppose I really was so blinded by him that it was bizarre to me how disrespectful someone can be. But definitely opened my eyes a lot about his true character. With love, Throo

the funniest thing was that I already blocked him and all his friends and ppl who have connections to him... he still managed a way to circle back into my life :'). Thanks for your advice, I totally agree, I will keep him respectfully far the hell away from me.

So, I had emetophobia (fear of vomiting) since my freshman year of high school. I remember seeing a girl vomit in front of a bunch of kids and couldn't bear the embarrassment she must have felt. Then, upon having my first crush, every time I'd see him I'd get nervous around him, and one time it was so bad that I ran to the toilet and vomited my breakfast. That definitely was a stressful moment for me. I thought my emetophobia has gone around guys I like, because all throughout high school, after that incident, I didn't feel bounded by my fears, and went on dates perfectly normally, I thought it was a one time thing. But then, freshman year of college rolled around, I went to have breakfast with a guy I was dating at the time and ran to the bathroom and vomited my fruit salad up.. yes, i know disgusting. this only happens around guys I have a crush on and am especially nervous around, because I guess I was nervous about that girl who vomited in school, that I couldn't imagine having the same situation with a guy I really liked! Then after that guy, I pretty much managed to emetophobia again, and I wasn't bothered by it for a few years until my next guy I was really into, and this one ended up being my boyfriend, but on the days he'd come over, I was so nervous that I'd vomit before seeing him. It was so brutal. Now, I'm newly single, I went on my first date after my breakup, and nearly vomited in my car before seeing him, but didn't! I am realizing I am kind of avoiding dating because of my emetaphobia, and it's brutal. I hate being controlled by my fears 😞 does anyone else have this, or can share some advice about how to overcome this? I tried ginger chews, mint gum, cold water, but I still get so scared before a date its horrible, it's all I can think about now when thinking of going on another date... especially with the pandemic, seeing people has gotten so limited...

As much as it sucks, I think you need to let go of the possibility of being with her again. She is not an adequate human being... why is she hiding her relationship status? Why is she reaching out to you while she's in a relationship? Why did she leave you for some dude? You see, these things don't make a person a good person. A normal person wouldn't hide their relationship status, wouldn't reach out to her ex if she's in a relationship, and if she wanted to leave you, she would do it in a respectful manner that didn't swap you for someone else. As you said, she needs to be a better person to ever be back in your life again, but I'd argue even stronger and say that you shouldn't wait for her to be that better person. Move on, there are so many other ppl out there, you'll find someone who isn't so all over their place. I'm a strong believer that people are the way they are because of their environment ... the way someone was raised, or the types of relationships a person was in, will cause them to be a certain type of person. She is the way she is because of her environment, and you can't change that nor be waiting for her on the other side. You see, life goes on, with or without her. Forget her damn games and focus on yourself and what love prospects may come into your life. Don't let anyone treat you like a pogo stick, as you said yourself. I think you have a good head on your shoulders and don't let her take advantage of that. Be the better person, be the bigger person, don't give her the opportunity of even having you back. You deserve better. With love, Throo

Yes I've been in your shoes. It was my very first boyfriend when I was 16 years old, I thought I liked him, he seemed like an ideal guy for a high school girl, plans for college, cute, etc etc. But when we started kissing for the first time, I was terribly un-attracted to him, he was an extremely messy kisser, did not have the best hygiene, and all in all, I just did not enjoy my time with him. I didn't know how to break it to him, he'd plan dates that I'd just not follow through with, and it was a messy situation. I wasn't the best person, I even recall going to a party, being flirty with a guy, and I felt horrible after. Eventually, I told him over coffee, and just said that I see him more as a friend. It broke him it broke me, but it had to be done. But see, I was 16... It was something I really hated myself for for a long time, and since then, I never did those things again, if I saw a relationship not working out, I stopped it in its tracks, without talking to anyone else or anything. I highly suggest you do the same. Break it to her as gently as possible, prepare yourself for it. You don't "want to break up but don't want to break up", you just don't want the inevitable stress. Think about it, you won't avoid any pain by prolonging the cause of the pain. Krombopulos, I'm sorry you're going through this. It sucks terribly when you're with someone you don't want to be but don't have necessarily the best reason for it. You need to go for it regardless, rip it off like a band aid. I wish you all the best, strength, and peace to you both. With love, Throo

Hey Tonight, Cute profile pic, I absolutely love corgis. Ok first off, no you're not being disrespectful. Your friend, as you said, who is 20 years older, clearly feels like he has the upper hand. There are many friendships that have such a large age gap, but the respect shouldn't change, you two are friends, he is not your dad/older brother/uncle/husband/etc to 'guide' you or 'fix you'. Tonight, you're walking on eggshells with him and you shouldn't. As I said, this is your supposed friend, someone you could be yourself around and not feel like you're being reprimanded... If he gets so upset and accusing you of being disrespectful when you are not being disrespectful at all, you're just not doing what he wants, which I think is a horrible thing to be upset about. I suggest you either tell him that you don't appreciate being accused of being disrespectful and that you don't want to be reprimanded because you're not a child. Tell him how it is, and if he doesn't agree or continues to behave this way, I suggest distancing yourself from him. From my experience, people like this will only make you feel like you constantly have to please them, perhaps a type of narcissism, that'll make you feel responsible for their mood, etc. Also, given the unreciprocated romantic interests, it makes sense why he is acting like this. He's perhaps upset that he is feeling vulnerable with you and you aren't. I don't think that's a good dynamic, I highly suggest you tell him this and confront him, or he'll take you as submissive and keep making you feel like this. Good luck and don't let people step all over you, Throo

Hey Jean, first off, I'm sorry you had to experience that. That's absolutely brutal to have to experience and witness first-hand. We all know our exes move on eventually, but to see it in front of your face is a bummer. Secondly, I want to clear up your confusion. Let's face the cliche, actions do indeed speak louder than words. She told you that there could be a future between you two, but is out hooking up with some guy at the bar. You don't know who this guy is, and there's a chance that she did not leave you for him. One thing I learned about the person who is breaking up is that they are almost never honest about the real reason why the broke up. If they tell you one reason, you can pretty much amplify it, for example, if I tell a guy I don't want to be with him because I see him more as a friend, its probably because I'm not attracted to him... see? we more often than not will not tell the real reason why we are breaking up. And truthfully, her telling you that there's a possibility of you two getting back together is just a really bad way to pacify you + to make you feel like there's hope so that if in the case she does not find someone who she wants to be with, there's always, well you. The bottom line is that she broke up with you telling you one thing but it is clear that she is exploring her options and seeing if she wants to be with someone else, or comparing you with others. And you shouldn't be that person. You are worth so much more than that, you are worth someone who will know they want to be with you, and not have to explore to want you. You see how silly that sounds? You're not a second option and shouldn't be for anyone, you will be a first option to someone some day, but from her actions, it does not seem to be you. As for your stress, I feel you. I really do. Sometimes these things have lives of their own and corrupt our minds as if they live in it instead of us. I'll tell you what, emotionally detach yourself from her. Don't hold on to the possibility of getting back together, because it will not let you grow. Definitely let your emotions out, cry, watch sad movies, listen to sad songs, grieve your loss from her, and well, eventually it'll just be a moment that happened. I hope this helps and I hope you understand how much you are worth, and you are not worth being a second option for anyone. Be with your close ones, enjoy yourself, and learn to live for yourself instead of others. I wish you self love, happiness, and much peace. Please try to get some sleep, and if you don't, that's totally fine too. I PROMISE, this is temporary, these feelings are not forever. One day you will wake up and feel miraculously better. All the best, Throo

Hi everyone. Thanks again for all the support on the last posts, you have no idea how grateful I was to receive the responses, they are truly so helpful during a breakup, or times of uncertainty in a relationship. Any-who, I mentioned in my last post that me and my ex boyfriend of 3.5 years broke up in August. So, upon taking a lot of your advice, and thanks again for the uplifting spirits and positivity, I moved on. We went no contact, cold turkey. I haven't spoken to him since August. I didn't block him anywhere or anything, the breakup was quite amicable, he even told me that he loves me when we were breaking up (now that i'm thinking about that I want to puke), and both told each other that we are there for each other if anything. But, what was disturbing was that he did it on Facetime, thats right, a 3.5 year relationship, he ended it on FT. He didn't even have the morals to come to breakup in person. For about 2 weeks after the relationship ended, I embarrassingly kept tabs on his instagram, looking here and there on his followings/followers. Then, lo and behold, I saw that he exchanged some likes with another girl. When I saw that, I instantly was disgusted in myself, and disgusted that I saw him liking some girls' pics, and consequently blocked him on every social media. I blocked him not because I hate him or am so angry with him, no, it's just I politely did not want to keep looking at him or keep him around in my feed. After all, he did tell me "I think it's best if we move on, after all I have been interested to talk to other people". Yep, the heartbreak was real. I then saw that he blocked me on social media as well, I guess in spite or whatever. Anyways... I took time to myself since August, really to myself. I haven't dated anyone, or entertained a potential relationship, because quite honestly, I'm not ready. I want to take more time to heal, grow, and be a better person. I am struggling with a lot of insecurities that my relationship left me with, and I want to resolve them myself, without any guy involved. About like 2 weeks ago or so, my ex messages me on Instagram of his friend's private story (so i can't see it because his friend is private), and he messages me through some group chat we made back when we were together, and GET THIS, he was blocked, but he somehow still found his way to that group chat... and that group chat only had me and him on it, so he was clearly trying to get my attention. To be the bigger person, I am not ready to be in contact with him, also he sent such a cryptic message, that I simply just left that groupchat, and saw that he unblocked me... perhaps to reconcile? Idk. But i blocked him because as I said, im simply not ready or have any desire to communicate with this person. Yesterday, my girl cousin messages me a screenshot of my ex requesting to follow her on Instagram... now he wants to follow my cousin? and during the relationship, I always told him about how i felt uncomfortable about him and her because there was some kind of tension, and I asked (totally normally without any problems) about if there was attraction between the two of them, because I sensed some flirtation, something I never felt with my other friends. He didn't say there was. Now the thing with my cousin is that there is NO WAY he would know her unless it was for me. they live in different neighborhoods, i trust my cousin would tell me if they ever met (we're close), and etc. He literally was at my birthday parties, at family gatherings, and all three of us hung out before, so he knows her only through me... Its such a slap in the face... out of all the girls, ALL OF THE GIRLS out there, he wanted to follow my cousin and open a portal of communication with her, especially after I'd tell him about how uncomfortable those interactions made me? Idk man, it's just so disturbing... its such a slap in the face and I truly wanted to know from someone if they can share with me what they think these things he's doing are for. What do y'all think? what are the reasonings behind his actions?