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Pau

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Everything posted by Pau

  1. Pau

    A Cold Shoulder

    Hey Catfeeder, Your questions have been really insightful. If it were just a friend, I wouldn’t not have been bothered. I guess the confusing thing for me was that he behaved like a friend when we had explicitly behaved differently previously. he wasn’t as engaged in conversation with me as I would have liked, it was more like a hang out situation rather than getting to know someone you’re genuinely interested in. Now that I asked him about his behaviour and he apologised for his coldness, saying that he was overthinking in his head that he thought I was only after one thing. He said he wanted to establish a connection that wasn’t just sexually charged? Hmm, I dunno.
  2. It sounds to me like there are differences in love languages a bit, she needs those words or affirmation and reassurance, and I think even more so because she is an anxious character. Her fears that stemmed from her past relationships are currently affecting this one, and I see how being accused of things you didn’t do hurts, because it conveys that she doesn’t trust you. It feels almost to me like she’s punishing you for what the last guy did. I think that putting expectations on when you can say the “L” word is also throwing a spanner in the works. Personally I feel like four months is way to early to use this word because I believe we fall in love with familiarity and deep bonds time to form. I know you say she has apologised and is working at it. I thinks it’s either you wait it out with her and work to build this trust and to build a more secure relationship, or you cut ties because her anxious attachment style and accusatory behaviour is preventing you from really feeling relaxed and happy in this relationship. I hope you can tell her bluntly and honestly how much her behaviour is affecting you. You articulated it well. P
  3. Pau

    A Cold Shoulder

    Hello Tinydance! Your advice really speaks to me. I think you may have a point about him trying to relieve his guilty conscience and to soothe his own ego by taking things back to a platonic level after already sleeping with me. I think people really do like to save face and when motivated by guilt. You said “If he wanted to show that he wants you for more than just sex, he could have organised a nice date, took you out or did something romantic at home. Then still had sex. “ I completely agree here. A romantic dinner or something could have been a way to “prove” himself. And the fact that he made me sleep on a different bed was quite offensive and strange to me. I didn’t like the erratic behaviour at all. thanks so so much for your comment. P
  4. Pau

    A Cold Shoulder

    Thanks wiseman. I shouldn’t analyse people so much in such a short amount of time. I’m far too sensitive methinks. A bit more reflection on what I’m willing to risk. As for my health in regards to COVID and stds, I’ve been tested recently and am all fine. take care, P
  5. Pau

    A Cold Shoulder

    Hehe, thank you Capricorn3, this freedom loving Sagittarian seems to pick out oddballs. Your advice is noted. p
  6. Pau

    A Cold Shoulder

    Hi East4, No this is a different person. I find the way you speak a little condescending and hurtful. Would you mind being a bit more understanding or kind about your tough love next time you respond to me? P
  7. Pau

    A Cold Shoulder

    I really appreciate your perspective here. Not to worry about std testing as I’ve already booked one in and everything is all clear. He probably is just a young guy who tried the mysterious thing but of course, a bit of alcohol can make things even murkier. I like what you said about your gut instincts, and if the way he made me feel isn’t my cup of tea, or if it makes me uncomfortable, then I’m entitled to not liking it. I can’t know what’s going on in his head, all I know is how it makes me feel, and that’s okay. This made me feel like I bit more autonomy in the situation. thanks heaps! P
  8. Pau

    A Cold Shoulder

    You are right that I need to slow waaaay down here. It’s way too early for me to be letting my emotions get caught up in this. thanks for your honest feedback!
  9. Pau

    A Cold Shoulder

    Thanks for putting it into more perspective friend! it’s true, it’s not like he cancelled or stood me up or anything. And it’s too early to get caught up here.
  10. This kind of thing hurts so much. I am empathising for you. It’s over, so you need to begin this healing process, so I think don’t contact her at all, and to delete her from you social media so you don’t get tempted to check up on her. Trust me, it makes things so much worse when you can see their profile. For my own heart, when I break up with someone I need to not connect with them again, and to unfriend them so their name doesn’t pop up on my feed. You gotta leave it and look after you now. No more energy being put into her. I hope you’re feeling better since it happened. P
  11. Aw he is being flirty I think. Try flirting back perhaps? Be friendly and interact again!
  12. Pau

    A Cold Shoulder

    Hey hey there! I understand him wanting to get to know me in a more emotional and personal way than just sex. I was hoping for a similar thing to unfold. I think I was just the stark coldness that I found a little disorientating. Hot and cold is a bit hard sometimes. Maybe you’re right, maybe he was trying not to get excited. Not sure. We are both in our early twenties, and I have been to his house before. I’ve even met his roommates, so I don’t think he’s married? thanks for sending your thoughts. P
  13. Something makes me want to just say, block block block. It’s not helping you to be reminded of him in this way, I don’t think it serves anybody. I suspect he’s either trying to maintain a civil or friendly little relationship with his ex out of politeness or guilt or some other kind of slightly self serving motive. Or if I were to think worse of him,..he could be trying to keep you on the back burner just in case any “what if” situations come up between you two. you don’t need this, friend. Ask him not to contact you because it doesn’t help your healing process, or gently block. P
  14. Pau

    A Cold Shoulder

    Haha!! Oh no! How did I get myself into this. Can I ask what parts about him say weirdo to you? I know something feels up but I can’t put my finger on what. Am I oblivious?
  15. Pau

    A Cold Shoulder

    Mind***s are truly no fun.
  16. Pau

    A Cold Shoulder

    He was probably a little bit. He has messaged to apologise for the rushed goodbye. you may have a point. I find it interesting how you said power trip, I wonder... Thanks for the honest thoughts!
  17. Pau

    A Cold Shoulder

    hey there wiseman 🙂 Q a) he has told me he isn’t currently seeing others, but that his word for it. Qb) He currently doesn’t have any other partners. Or..as far as I know. Qc) He was house sitting and he thought it would be nice to invite me up to this nice place in the country.
  18. So I suppose I’m seeing this guy. How do I describe him? Sturdy, quick witted, a slight English tinge to his accent and these platinum blond curls. Scorpio. Don’t get me started. We’ve slept to together twice, but I’ve only known him for two weeks. We’ve had many long conversations and he has kept consistent contact with me since the day I met him. He asked me if I wanted to go up with him to his mother’s farmhouse while she was away. He offered to make me dinner, I thought this was a sign he was slightly more interested than before about me. Previously he had been quite warm and tactile, as in hand holding or gentle non sexual touches here and there, and even saying sweet things about me, but this time he was completely different. He said to me, no sex, a platonic night for us to get to know each other better. Except he mainly wanted to listen to music and drink. He said he was having a really good time. I could understand where he was coming from, however I noticed that he had completely backed off all previous romantic gestures and talk. So much so that I felt so disoriented about what his intentions with me were, and in all honesty it hurt my heart a bit. At one point in the night, he came down to sit where I was and kissed me deeply, with lots of tongue. Then when I leant in to kiss him back he backed off and said “no no, platonic, remember?.” I felt so strange after this. He didn’t offer to sleep in the same bed that night. Even though we have previously. He made out a mattress for me, didn’t kiss or hug me goodnight, but just said sweet dreams and slept in the bed while I was in the living room. In the morning he dropped me off on his side of town, we were meant to go on a walk but he’d forgotten he had a doctor’s appointment, and then apparently house inspections with his roommates as well. He didn’t kiss or hug me goodbye, and just said see ya round with a wink before jumping into his friend’s car. There wasn’t any room for me in it. I felt in the way. And now I just feel deflated. I wonder what’s going on here, can anyone see it more clearly?
  19. Hey there Capricorn 3! He finally responded to me asking if he wanted to see me again. A week later! He said that the time he spent with me was “too good”, and that if he kept hanging around me he’d get attached. He didn’t like that however, and told me that in retrospect he found girls to be a big time commitment that he didn’t want to give right now. He said I kept him up too much when I did stay and it freaked him out. He asked for fwb, I said I couldn’t cause I already caught feelings. He asked me for professional advice rather than a relationship?...I said no thank you, time to part ways. UGH! bummer
  20. I think you’re definitely right. I took the whole “go with the flow” thing as a potential for a relationship because I figured the “flow” would lead somewhere. Turns out he just wanted a causal hookup. I really should have clarified what he meant when he said that. Hopefully I’ve learned something from this.
  21. Honestly I feel for you right now. With this lockdown I find myself forgetting who I am because we often define ourselves by what we do in our life. I know this seems cliche but I started a whole bunch of new hobbies to keep me busy with and I think it personally made me more interesting. I started sending snail mail to old friends because I found it more personal, and tried finding more creative ways of connected with people. Right now, strengthen your friendships because you need a support network. With relationships, it’s easy for them to become stale because you don’t have the excitement that normal life usually brings to keep things adventurous and moving. I feel for anyone dating right now.
  22. Oh Mike, I’m so sorry this has ended up hurting so much! Here are my humble musings, I think you both are people struggling in this pandemic, and on top of that dealing with a lot of hurt and insecurity. From the amount of time that is takes Paolo to reply, it seems like he in fact is the distant one. He’s accusing you of being distant, but he kind of gave you the silent treatment as he mulled over assumptions in his head that could have been solved with some honest communication and a phone call. I’m wondering, do you really want to be with someone who can’t communicate very well and handles his emotions immaturely? His silence and the fact that he has removed you from his social media is already an answer. I’m not sure you doing all these mental gymnastics in order to win him over and trying to mend the scraps of this relationship is fair on you. He seems to have left it all on you to do, and that’s not how good true love works. In peace and humble musings, Pau.
  23. There haven’t been any yet! It is actually a podcast called ‘The Just Break Up Podcast.’ It’s really really good. But they get lots of letters, so it’s probably unlikely that they’ll reply. I definitely recommend it though. 🙂
  24. Hmm, maybe I am overthinking this whole thing a bit. Rejection is scary, but it’s part of it. If I don’t risk rejection I have less chance finding a good relationship/love. I guess I’ve got to figure out if waiting around is worth my while too. Hmm
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