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Metarose

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  1. Now I know. That is why I asked for your oppinions, in order to gain clarity, because when you are wraped in your fantasies, you get stuck there. So thank you again. I have understood where I went wrong with myself in this situation. And now I feel lighter about this.
  2. I have felt the chemistry when we saw each other in person. I have been feeding it with my imagination too, that is for sure. We met in the park. Not feeling lonely, I have friends I go out with. I guess I was ready to meet someone after all these years of being single so I concentrated on him because of it. I feel comfortable being alone as I have been all these years. Guess it was something new and that is why. But I have learned my lesson, also thanks to all the comments I have received here. I needed a wake up call about my patterns
  3. Thank you, Cherylyn. You are right, this is also what I have told him many times. That when texting, things seem more dramatic than they are. He said I sounded acid, when I was normal. And yes, when we did chat via phone or saw each other in person, there was no conflict. I guess this is why I also kept holding on, because I saw that apart from the texts, we never fought. If the fights would have continued in person, of course I would have quit this situation a long time ago. But I knew we could get along like normal people in real life. And yes, some things seem offensive via text even w
  4. Before him, I had partners that were nice and communicative. Not all maybe, but nowhere near his degree of difficulty. He is the exception now and the chemistry kept me in to be fair. And he told me he is not interested in getting to know me now after our fight, but in the past he rejected me 2 times and then he came back again saying to try again. I also felt I didn't want it anymore, but I also agreed because those were words said in fights, so sometimes we are angry and say things we don't actually feel, just to express anger. And now even if he said he is not interested again, w
  5. Wow, yes...you are right... I always hoped that our next interaction would go better and that he could see the nice side of me and that he will not continue to tell me that I am impulsive and agitated. So I continued, even if it went negative again with him telling what he does not like about me again. He always emphasized my flaws, by reminding me of them. I had hoped it would be positive one day. So when things were cooled down, meaning at New Years Eve, I was happy. And then I made that mistake. It's like I wanted so badly for things to be positive and for him to see me in a better light, a
  6. I did not mean to say that fighting produces a healthy connection. No way, of course it is not healthy. I was saying that it is still a type of connection. A bad connection, but you feel connected because of that energy. But no, not healthy. Yes you are right. I wanted to act warm, but my emotions were so strong when fighting, that I just could not help myself. So yes indeed, acting like you said and saying that phrase, really is the hard choice in such a situation. Because it requires you to really not want to be right. And that is hard when you have an aversion to injustice. At a
  7. No, maybe I did not express myself well. I don't feel alive when fighting. I was just contemplating the idea that 2 people can develop a connection, even if it is bad, because fights produce energy between them. Like analyzing where the "bond" comes from. The reason I wanted to be right is because that is how I percieved him, like a person who likes to have an argument and prove himself. So I guess I mirrored that. Because I have had debates with other people, but they were not with a defensive energy, so I also did not felt the need to continue the fight. I do not feel that need when I
  8. Yes, you are right. I was thinking some time ago that, I feel tied up because fights produce emotions, even if they are bad ones. But it is producing a form of connection. Whereas indifference does not produce anything. So if we did not have this drama and everything was normal, there would not be this feeling connected, even if in a bad way. Honestly, when we did have peace (for like a week maximum), our conversations were non existent because we did not talk about anything and I felt bored, because he was not saying much. Only when we fought, he was alive. So maybe I would have not bee
  9. Uff...I know what you mean. I may have also made things difficult, it takes 2 to tango. But I was always willing to work things out. On New Year's eve he asked what I was doing that evening and I told him I had plans with my best friend and her family. And he told me that it is not a plan, but a compromise. But that I know my priorities best. He aluded at me not making him a priority, by cancelling my plans with my friend. He also told.me that I did not pick up the phone to call him and that "it shows everything" and that he will not make someone a priority if he is treated like an option. I g
  10. Came back meaning he texted me again, talking again about our differences and how he views things. He always said that he felt the need to take a step back when things got argumentative in order to recover. But it was just over text an argument, like why would someone need so much time to "recover"? It was not shouting or anything. I have never encountered someone who needs almost a month to stay away to think and evaluate and then come back. He is a very intense person so that is why, even if we only saw each other 2 times, the bond is something I can't explain. It is like we have known
  11. Yes, I know. In the past he also told me this, not with these words, but like "maybe it was not the right time". Etc. And he always came back. And last week he told me that he still has this bad feeling so he wouldn't rush to see me. When someone does the same pattern of saying they don't want it but then they come back again wanting it, it is like you believe they were just lying to themselves to look uninterested. That is why I seem now to lack standards. Maybe bwcause I have now this thought that if I don't reach out, then I will ruin it again because he will think this or that. But t
  12. So now, because I know I went overboard with that reaction, I don't know if it is something for which you let a person hanging and give them the silent treatment, instead of just telling them that you do not want to continue. I would have preferred he would just tell me straight up that we should move on with our lives. But he only said things that were not clear, as if his message was, indirectly, "I don't know what to think now, but anyway, you stay there until I decide you are worthy of my time again". This is the feeling I am getting
  13. Yes, that is why I am having this guilt feelings, because I KNOW this was not ok, and I have never done that with anyone (but that is because no other man I have dated was the flirty type and popular on social media), but I just reacted. And the way he talked to me in the past, he said he is looking for someone to go on a long road, so those discussions about love and ideal relationship etc made it seem like we were connected and that he was serious about me. Hence why my reaction with the screenshots. Because if he were more light and not talk to me so much about those things, I would have no
  14. Yes, I think I know why. I have been single for 3-4 years before meeting him. He was not my type when he approached me, but I started to feel attracted after, even if at first I wasn't. And he is witty and smart. And he always came back. So, all these circumstances combined, made me become attached. Because I rarely feel attracted to a lot of people, and now that I felt attracted to him, who was not even my type, and being the first man to interact with after a long period of singleness, I guess it made me feel like this. Also he is older than me, so I guess this also contributed. And, t
  15. Believe me, I have asked myself the same questions, like why can't I let him go. He is the first guy to ever behave like this in my life. In the past, I have dealt only with normal people, that at least told me yes or no and moved on. I know I sound talking about it as if we are couple, I know we are not. Sorry, english is not my first language so I don't know how to explain. He was very transparent from the beginning and shared his views on love and relationships and it was like he was talking to a friend, so I guess that is why I also used these words, because the subject was much deba
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