Hello. I have never used a forum before. I don’t even know if I’m doing this right 😞
I am so alone and so lost. I need some help. I have a professional I’ll be seeing but she isn’t back form her holiday until Feb.
This is probably going to be long. I am sorry but thank you if you do take the time to read and reply.
I was in a relationship for 5 years with my now ex. When I met him I had just starred dating again after my marriage ended. He was so sweet and fun and the sex was so good. He was a little messy. Didn’t seem to have his *** together but I thought, let’s give him a minute. He seems like he’s trying and is really sweet. Anyway, throughout the next few years, things weren’t always sunshine and rainbows. But I guess I always believed in his potential and ours. I thought his head was a little messy but his heart was good. There were addiction issues. First drugs. Then gambling. I stood by him for all that. Even when it got hard. He was amazing with my kids. They fell in love with him too. He had some traits that being an anxious personality I struggled with. He would go AWOL, either migraines or if we fought, he would avoid me for a few days. He was a big avoider. Not the best at communication. Sometimes the issues with addiction also caused this. Anyway, he got help and we moved in together. Then that’s when I discovered he was gambling and had stolen a lot of money from his dad. All his family were hurt. I kicked him out. 4 days after I kicked him out he was at a girls place but couldn’t sleep with her. I guess he had a tiny bit of decency. But he did fool around with her. Then he bailed and ghosted her. I found this all out 5 months after it happened and from her. He was hacked and this “hacker” sent me all these messages and things from all sorts of social media etc. some before I even knew him. But there was some stuff from when I was with him. Like when I kicked him out in august and he was then living in a bad place and got tempted by drugs again, he had been on hook up sites. He also had done this a few years before after we had a fight. But swore he never wanted to meet anyone. He just chatted. So anyway, after August we had decided to stay together but he wasn’t living with me. He spent that time in counseling and trying to fight for me and showing me he could be who I thought he was. I knew I’d struggle with trust and explained that. But he was still willing to fight. Fast forward to January when he was hacked and all the stuff came out. I was so hurt. I wanted to end things. This guy was relentless. He fought for me again. And kept telling me he would prove how good we could be. So we stayed together. Trust for me was so hard. I always doubted him. I was scared he was hiding stuff. I couldn’t handle him sharing with females in rentals. And I had my guard up. We were going to start couples counselling but then Covid happened and it got pushed back. Fast forward to august 2020 and he drops a bombshell that he has applied for a job in a different state (as he was struggling to find work here due to Covid). He ends up getting the job and granted a permit to travel to the new state. Anyway, I was so sad. I didn’t want him to go. I thought when we finally had a chance to sort us out. He was leaving. He promised it would be for a year. He said it would help us and believed we would be fine long distance. I even suggested ending things as I wasn’t sure I would cope. He cried saying he didn’t want that.
So 4 months in to long distance. I have a moment where I get a little insecure. He reassures me and we sort it out. We have a really good conversation one night and he even comes up with little ideas on how we can make things easier on me. He says he is 100% sure he wants to be with me. And then that’s it. I get ghosted. I go crazy. Calling, texting, emailing. He doesn’t respond. He doesn’t have social media as he got rid of it back when the hacking happened. So radio silence. My birthday comes a month later and he sends me a text. Stating he is sorry for eveyhrbjg and hopes I had a nice bday. He promised to call. He did this 3 times. The call never came. I try calling each time he is meant to but he doesn’t answer. I contacted his dad and his sister and they say they don’t know why he is doing it and try to contact him. Still he doesn’t contact me. Then about 3 weeks after that, I’m a little drunk after my work Xmas party and I text him jusy asking for an explanation. He replies saying he is sorry for everything, he doesn’t know why he is doing it etc etc. he will get a text to me in a few days. I ask when he fell out of love with me and he says “I haven’t fallen out of love with you”. Then Christmas Eve I receive the text. The break up one I guess. Saying I deserve better, that he thinks of stuff he did to me and it still makes him cringe. That he is happy and building a life for himself. That maybe we will find our way back to each other or maybe we won’t. But for now he can’t do this with me anymore that we are too broken. That he loves me and probably always will. And that’s it. 5 years. Ended with a text. He doesn’t when I try to call or when I reply. all this time I have felt things didn’t add up. I mean this guy have me a card when he left saying he was 100% sure he would be coming back for me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me.
just the other day, he reactivated all social media after 2 years. I thought it was odd. Then He blocks me. I’m so hurt. I text him saying why did he block me. What have I done? Why does it have to be nasty? Of course he doesn’t reply. But interestingly he unblocked me. Still unfriended but not blocked. But I then find out he was in my state visiting family during that Xmas time. So here when he sent the text. But to make it worse, he’s also with someone else. Which is what I always assumed. My worst fear had come true.
I just can’t breathe or put myself together. Nothing makes sense. It’s been months of torture. Of hell. How can he leave me for someone else? All the stuff he said. I don’t know what was real or what was bull*** 😞 I feel like I meant nothing to him. I never had a conversation. Never had a chance to talk to him. Nothing. And then this. So I can’t even let him know I know or face him! I am sure he must have cheated with her and that’s when he went weird. Obviously clearly happy with her now. So I ended up sending a final text letting him know I knew and obviously explaining how horrible this is. What he did. And then I blocked him everywhere.
I just can’t understand it. I can’t comprehend it. He said he still was in love with me! So is that a lie? I’m so confused. I hate him so much. He has done some real damage. I don’t know what I’m asking. Or what I’m needing. I have been in such a dark hole. Sometimes I wish I could never wake up 😞 only because I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I am sure he hasn’t even told the truth to his family or friends. They probably think he ended things with me and then met her. They probably don’t even know he sent me a stupid txt. I go crazy with thinking wondering how the hell did he do this. The guy who told me he couldn’t imagine his life without me and that there would never be anyone after me 😞 I just feel worthless. Like someone else will now get the best of him. Her.
I can’t sleep. I don’t eat. I can’t function. I want this to stop 😞