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GeneralRubbish97

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  1. Hi, I'm 23 years old and I have never had a boyfriend. Currently, I don't even have friends due to my social anxiety. I've lost my best friend after graduating from high school. She wanted to hang out with me and stay friends but I wanted to stop socialising and hide at home instead. That was around 2015. Then I started studying, I met a few people but there were always only fellow students to me, nothing more. Now due to Covid, I study and work from home and don't see anyone except for my parents and my brother. But the sad thing is, it really doesn't make any difference, it's not like I've been talking to other people before anyways. I can honestly say: Apart from my family, no one ***ing knows me. I mean, some people back from my school days or from work or uni may know my name but that's about it. Sometimes, it makes me sad but I know that I've wanted that the whole time. I've basically worked towards that by always fleeing from any possibly social interaction in the past. I've had so many chances but I always ran away from them. Other than the years before, I felt a lot different in 2020. I worked on myself a lot. I started to workout on my rowing machine, I got my driving licence... I am just a lot more motivated in general. And for some reason I started to really long for a partner. I know it's stupid to look for a partner in these times and it's stupid to think that someone like me, who has never had any sort of experience, could simply go and find someone who they feel comfortable around. There are so many aggravating factors but still, sometimes, I just feel like I'm not near as ugly or stupid to deserve this solitude. I'm sick of only having crushes on men but never being able to let things actually happen. I've always had that tendency to develop crushes on older guys. For example, I've had a crush on my driving teacher. I've had my final driving test a couple weeks ago and so I don't see him anymore, but I still dream about him every now and then. He wasn't even particularly good-looking, it was simply for the fact that he had a great, clever sense of humor and he was kind. I didn't want him to think I'm weird or stupid or ugly so that I barely talked. Now, the dumb thing is: I KNOW that we could have had great conversations. He always talked about random things and I wanted to talk to him the way I talk with my brother or my parents. I just wanted to be relaxed but I cared too much about his thoughts. So instead, I remained silent and boring... That's why I could probably never have a "soulmate": Whenever I would find someone who shares my sense of humor and interests, it would make me tense up and act weird. And so, the other person would never find out that I like them or that I am likeable as well. I feel so trapped... I feel comfortable being in my bubble but I feel lonely at the same time. I wonder why everyone on freaking earth is or has been in a relationship except for me. I feel like an alien. I don't know who I am, I don't know what others see in me... I just wait for this man who can see something special in me, you know, underneath the awkwardness and shyness and everything. Does anyone here have an advice or story that could help me? (Sorry for my English, I'm from Germany :))
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