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Soconfused75

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  1. Thank you for all the advice. He has disclosed to me that he has been unhappy with life way before I met him and he feels he has depression..ok fine then go get some help instead of just talking about it. The past 10 months he has told me he has issues to deal with but has never attempted or committed to getting help. It may be part of why he has not been able to treat me the way i deserve BUT its up to me to decide..and that is not ACCEPTABLE Behavior. I deserve more and I have tried to help but you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves so now its time to focus on me and get myself back to where I was before I met him.
  2. Thank you ...if that is the case any insight as to why he would respond "maybe, we will see" to the absence could have him realizing what he is missing? If he sees no future and its done why still offer that up or want to still be connected through social media
  3. Guess I was trying to convince myself he would open up. I always got the "only time will tell" and if I wasn't interested i wouldn't be here. I guess it was false hope now that he suddenly says he sees no future yet can't explain why. The last 10 months he has said he doesn't know. I am starting to think he has not had a good woman and doesn't know what to do with it. I was told by someone who knows him well, he has had nothing but failed relationships and that he likely feels like he is in control and has me wrapped around his finger. That I would have gained his respect by treating him like a dog. That he likes the challenge
  4. Don't get me wrong he would do things for me and be there for me but he could just never show any affection nor could he ever tell me how he felt about me
  5. And when I would try to explain myself his response would be I'm sorry and I am sincere when I say that. He is an empty vessel with nothing to give to anyone
  6. How do I explain. I met a mature male (early 50s) and I am a divorced female in my (mid 40s) 10 months ago. When we first met, he would say all the right things, compliments on how beautiful i am and how I am the perfect woman. He is very awkward when it comes to women yet he seemed to have confidence when we first met. He told me that he is extremely insecure and would never allow us to take photos because he did not like pictures of himself. About 3 weeks in to meeting me, he asked me to be his girlfriend. He had separated from his spouse at that time a year prior to meeting him so I figured he was ready to be in a relationship, as before me he was playing field and dating women without commitment. About 2 months in, it became evident that his ' i have never been able to communicate or express his feelings" was a real thing. He grew up in a home where there was none of that, men were strong and avoided talking about their feelings and he is also not the complimenting type. He was that way initially because that is what you do when you first meet someone, then it stopped. It caused great issues for me and the confident person I once was started to have insecurity issues constantly over thinking, over analyzing and trying to pick his brain. To pick someone's brain like that, it did not go well. I was told to stop fishing, that i didn't trust him and for him trust was important. That he doesn't know how he feels, that he has issues he needs to deal with (I was told his past relationships affected him) 10 month later he has never once tried to work on his issues and refuses to go to a counselor because he has a hard time with that "crap". About 4 months in after I had a complete breakdown he told me that he knew he needed to talk to me because he didn't want a relationship but would continue to see each other and essentially we do the same things as couples do but not in a relationship. His definition of a relationship is the "whole hog" whatever that means. I will admit that prior to this happening I had questioned him about some things that I knew based on discrepancies, he was not being truthful. These things happened before me, but to me character is everything and I looked at his old cell phone and found all the messages and evidence to support my suspicions and confronted him. He was irate that I invaded his personal space and denied it until I told him what I had done. He admitted it and said if he would have told me I would have ran a mile. I likely would have. He was so caught up in his lies to me he couldn't tell me the truth before. We ended up having a talk and stayed together but he couldn't get past what I had done. So later on he no longer wanted a relationship and said part of it was due to issues and that he doesn't know how he feels, he cares and feels something but doesn't know what and that "only time will tell". I kept feeling insecure and each time I would try to get him to talk he would get frustrated and say that we are just going in circles and clearly i am not happy and he can't give me what i want and he knew exactly what I wanted and needed but could not show affection or compliment. He said he shows it in his own way. We had a short break and after an absence he came back with asking me if I would consider seeing each other and that please stop asking him if there are other women, he said there has never been and I need to trust him and why would he need anyone else. I also asked if he could put it past him on me looking through his phone and he said yes. I kept my promise and we resumed. He asked me if I would be happy how things were and I said well no we both need to work on thing and make an effort. He made no effort..he is a recluse and likes his alone time and we would get together on weekends and one night during the week which was fine but it was always at his place as he said my tv was not big enough. When I would go over he would never initiate a hug or kiss unless I did. I knew he was not complimentary guy but for someone who said he loves to kiss, he would never make the effort and when I would bring up feelings he would say I am overthinking or too sensitive and it's not like that. I always heard that, its not like that and that I don't know how feels and not to try to know So just a few days ago I had an emotional breakdown and said maybe I need to walk away. He said that he does not see a future with me but couldn't give me the reasons why. He again said he needs to work on himself and said I need to as well. When I said that absences can make someone realize their true feelings or perhaps not he said maybe, we will see. I blocked him from social media and he knew right away I had, so clearly he went to look at my profile and seen what I had done. My heart is breaking and I can't help but feel its because he just doesn't want me. I have done everything and put so much in to it. He said he has always appreciated that and it hasn't gone unnoticed. I was told he has issues in every relationship. He said to me that don't think he doesnt appreciate me and that he does have thoughts even tho he doesn't say it. Until he makes the effort to work on his issues this behavior will continue. He wanted to reconnect on social media so I agreed which makes me feel like he is just needing time to sort out what he feels. Part of me feels that he just said he sees no future because he is confused. I am aware that if a man has feelings for you that he will show you in his actions. I think he is just too messed up with himself to be able to do that and I feel that he isn't saying goodbye for good. What should I do? I feel sad for him and I am praying that he gets clarity with himself and his issues. I want to focus on me now and get strong again. Is it possible for someone like this to realize their feelings for you or am I kidding myself and he actually doesn't have any. His lack of communication has shown me that he has thoughts of wanting to talk to me but never brings it up first until I have a meltdown. Yet he has always said to me, if I was not interested in you, you would know. He has stayed with me this long that I feel he is just saying this out of confusion not with a clear head. He said he tried to stop seeing twice but it never happened.
  7. Thank you for all the insight and advice. It is greatly appreciated
  8. I was not interested in a full blown relationship the way things were going no..I needed to see that he would be a man step and get help. He did nothing
  9. He wanted basically casual exclusive dating BUT again his issues are preventing him from being fully engaged in a relationship and until he steps out of his comfort zone and admits he needs help it will be status quo. He knows exactly what I want and deserve. This has nothing to do with me he knows I am a good woman. His issues lie within himself and will be an ever repeating cycle. I have to question if something traumatic happened in his childhood that has shaped who he is today. He never spoke of it and I have to wonder of there is a reason why. Either way this statement was made to him when I said that I have sought counseling and relationship guidance that it is IMPORTANT to me that I fix my insecurity and trust issues and deal with the effect of how his issues impacted me, he will need to decide for himself how IMPORTANT it is to fix himself for himself and the people in his life. He knows he has to the question to remain is will he take that step to get help?
  10. And yes I gave him a chance when he told me what he had done despite the bad character .....gave him a chance
  11. I have to go on with my life. He has to figure himself out. Dancing fool yes separated she ended it he was glad but didn't have to guts to tell her he wanted out....there was no infidelity...he went about it with the 2 women when he was single and before he met me
  12. When I've tried to speak with him before to understand why he doesn't want to be in a full-out relationship with me what I have gotten from it is that he has had failed relationship after failed relationship and he sees value in what we have and the fact that we have a friendship he is never had that before in past relationships so he doesn't want to get involved too deep until he is certain because he's worried that it's going to end up just like his past relationships
  13. Ex is overseas now and moved back over a year ago. I have stated after 8 months together how can he not know what he is feeling? I feel as though he is just avoiding to tell me what it is. He stated that is not it at all and he has feelings but he has to work on his issues because he is like this with all women. To state I got married because I wasn't getting any older and married her even though I didn't want to....tells me he has underlying issues whatever they are AND until now has NOT gone for any counseling he says he is not good with that crap and will go when he feels up to it. His ex made him go once he stated the counselor had him crying and he never returned. He is basically an empty vessel who thinks he is not heartless and does care although he doesn't show it
  14. He did not cheat on his wife he had not been with her fir a year and a half I met him in February when I met him he had already been separated for almost a year
  15. Honestly I don't think he has moved on to anyone this entire time that we were together I had access to his apartment I had the code it's not like he was trying to hide anything from me
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