So, Im 32, decided to leave my country and live with my 28 year old boyfriend for 1 year in a new one under a work and holiday visa. He's been lucky to be able to work in his field and is thriving. My diploma from Europe has not been accepted and I thought I would be okay by doing something random for a while or doing something that is similar to what I did back at home but without needing permission for it. It turns out its been much more difficult than expected and I havent been able to find a job that I like.
I also have been very homesick and the original plan was that I was going to be able to go back home every 6 months only that COVID happened. So now, its been over a year, Im saving a bit but not thriving, the work I am doing I find very repetitive and alot of questions are coming up in my relationship like: Where are we going next? What am I going to do? Turns out my possibilities are limited and I dont have the same opportunities as my partner. Also, I have been thinking about having a baby for the last year and my partner isnt ready. He says he doesnt want to think about it for another 5 to 10 years. Only that Im 32 and my clock is ticking. I sometimes wake up thinking about other women that have gotten pregnant and I feel anxious and jealous. I want both of us to want it. He says he's happy to go to my home country at some point again but he doesnt want to live there. He would rather live in his country (Australia).
We were supposed to go to Europe after our year of working abroad was over and give me a chance to build up more on it and we didnt because Covid hit and he wasnt going to be able to work there in his field.. I feel like Im the only one making compromises. He says he hasnt asked me. We go 50/50 on our expenses eventhough he makes alot more than me and I dont like that because I feel like he doesnt want to support me. And it makes me feel guilty to expect it. I also cant make much money going back home which I find hard...
In the last few months, I decided to go back home for a while for a month or two to think about everything and see my family and now, the restricitions have changed and it turns out that if I want to come back into the country I will have to pay over 2000 dollars and isolate for 14 days. I cant really afford it. So I decided to postpone it. I changed my flight yesterday and I had already given my notice at work that I was leaving next week.
Today I woke up depressed and feeling I cant make up my mind. I still have a few months of visa left, feeling like I should make the most out this opportunity and save, explore in the summer, but Im really missing my family. I feel lost. And not only have I felt anxious in the last few months, Im starting to feel depressed. I felt like I couldnt get out of bed today. This is starting to become a bit scary.
Im driving my partner nuts, he says hes doing fine here, that he likes where he is. I like the country but I dont feel like Im thriving other than serving and saving up money I wouldnt be able to save otherwise, and we dont have any support system here. I know that might change after a while of being here (its been over 1.5 years). Im just feeling so helpless.
I have a therapist but I just feel silly and immature everytime we speak, like I should be able to figure out my stuff on my own. My boyfriend says Im a bit like the child that yelled wolf and no one ended up believing him anymore. He's tried giving me many options about thing s I could do.. He says hes done and tired. My words dont match my actions and I just dont know what to do.
I feel stuck. I tried to fix it by leaving but if I do I mght not be able to come back. I dont know what to do. Its driving me crazy. How am I supposed to even start a family in the next few years and feeling like i do?