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chocolateyes

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  1. Thank you again! :) Thank you! I found this pretty helpful. Well said, and I'll keep in mind that it's true - I can't save someone. They have to help themselves and want for a change. I appreciate you :) I didn't mention anywhere in this thread about living with my parents. I pointed it out once in the other thread in case anyone wondered why I still do, since it's not common in the West. I've made it clear several times that I'm planning on moving. As I have said, I didn't realize how toxic my environment was until recently. I use my background to explain, rather than as an excuse. In this thread, I pointed out my cultural upbringing to explain why I never reported my stepdad back then. Thanks though!
  2. Oh I know, but thank you! I am still very much into moving away from the family despite wanting to keep a relationship with my mom. Thank you for this. I did start going to counselling but COVID hit hard where I am and the whole thing is still closed for now, except for phone call sessions which I am not into. I'll start at it again whenever they open normally. I honestly didn't even think there was a problem until I started becoming more and more anxious. I went for anxiety help but it turned into an explosion of so many things that I didn't even know ever truly bothered/stayed with me. I'll work hard to move out. Whenever I travel, I feel so happy and light, and a bit ill whenever I drive home. It should have been a clear sign to me long ago to get away, ugh. Thanks again! It feels so validating to hear someone else echo my thoughts. I've spent my whole life not telling anyone anything, just like I was raised not to, so I often find myself questioning if I'm even right to feel how I do. I didn't even know my family isn't normal until much later. Now that enough time has passed, I'm realizing how important it is for me to get out of here. Thank you so much. I really agree. Sadly, I'm sure you're right. Thanks for sharing that, I'm really glad it's been helping you. I can't wait to resume mine. I haven't yet spoken about this issue, so I'm really wondering if I'm not fully "fine" yet even though I feel I am about this. Like if I'll end up feeling so much lighter after talking this out with the counsellor :) I really struggle with the notion of "there's nothing I can do" when it comes to those I love, so while it'll take me a long time, I'm sure, to fully wrap my mind around that, thank you :) Really great advice. I appreciate it!
  3. I know what you mean, but really, other than my brother acting out these past few weeks, I haven't had any issues with anyone in my family for years. While I'm fine moving away and moving on from my family members (who all have serious problems with each other), I am interested in keeping my relationship with my mom.
  4. Thank you so much. And yes, I haven't told any of them I plan to leave and all that. I'm just studying and staying to myself in the meantime. I appreciate your thoughts :)
  5. Hi again, thank you for your thoughtful replies to my previous thread. I found them very helpful and so I decided to request for more advice/thoughts. Something quick to add is that in the culture in which I was raised, "family respect" a.k.a. how society sees you, is everything according to the cultural norms. My biological father became abusive to my mom in the middle of her pregnancy with me, as he always wanted a son, not a daughter. Obviously, there was something amiss in his brain but regardless, he made life a living hell for my mom and abused her frequently. She was in a foreign country and had to rely on him, but eventually he hurt her so badly that after one thing led to another, they divorced in court and she moved to the West with me. Years later, she eventually married my stepdad and had 3 kids with him. I was still very clingy to my mom always, and slept with her at night. That's when that horrible man touched me inappropriately in my panties, when I was 12. Another time, he put the tip of his /// in my behind through my panties. Thankfully, I knew none of this was my fault and I remember waking right up and marching to the kitchen to glare at him in anger. Fast forward, he pretended he had confused me with mom. My mom didn't even believe me for a time, but eventually she came around and realized he was lying. However, she stayed with him. Keeping my background in mind, I was essentially brainwashed throughout my life to believe that family respect is everything and that I should never cause any family member embarrassment, even if I was wronged. So I continued to live with them, he never hurt me like that again (though I never liked him after) and I honestly thought I was just fine, until I started having anxiety issues as I grew older. It wasn't until recently that I realized I harbour resentment towards my mom for staying, especially since my stepdad cheats on her frequently and is an awful man overall. I tried to explain my feelings to her, and she said that she basically had no option back then because not only had she already been through absolute hell and cultural scrutiny during the first divorce, but she had 4 kids so things would have been even worse, that we'd have no where to go etc. However, I still feel anger. I know I'm not a mother myself but... I just feel that I would never stay with a man who did something like this to my kid, even if it cost me everything. I would want to protect my child and I would probably immediately lose all love for a man capable of something like that. Now that I'm older, slowly realizing the problematic shortcomings of and dealing with my past, it's just... I understand my mom's been through so much already (lots of PTSD from the first marriage), so should I try to be more understanding/compassionate of her situation at the time with my stepdad? Or am I right to feel the angry way that I do about her having stayed with him?
  6. I'm going to save up and move out. While it's my brother who is the instigator, my other family members, by basically doing and saying nothing, essentially condone this behaviour and I've had enough. I knew in my mind I wasn't exactly wrong to feel the way I do about the situation, but I wanted to make sure by asking the forums. I've kept my bedroom door locked at night long before posting and I'm just happy that I'm not crazy in feeling this way about my brother. Thanks again.
  7. My brother and I have always had a pretty good relationship despite living in a turbulent household (parents always arguing and dad, cheating). We're both in our twenties and I'm his older sister by 5 years. In our culture, we stay with our parents until marriage, and family is everything. So despite all the turmoil between our parents, we've all always tried to work things out to keep our family together. I've always been a mega nerd, scoring high marks and basically just dedicating my life to academics. My brother's always been extremely social and has gotten into trouble over the years (getting arrested, stealing money from our parents, partying day and night, getting kicked out of university). Basically, although we've gotten along well, we're obviously different people. Everything was fine, and then he moved to Australia for a year. I cried at the airport. Despite the move, we still had a great relationship, and talked on the phone for hours at a time. He moved back a few week ago, which I was so excited about. However, he's come back a monster. He started going on rants about how he truly understands what life is about now, and that we're just doing everything wrong as a family. He said he's going to "fix" everyone. He started by screaming at dad in front of construction workers about his cheating behaviours, even though we were all embarrassed and told him to stop making this a public problem. He continued by going to dad's workplace and arguing with various workers about what their exact role is and what they accomplished that day. He grabbed dad's phone at various times mid-call and would ask questions to the person on the other end, to make sure he wasn't cheating. He then attacked mom about how she takes pain medication (recovering from shingles) because that's "poison" to her body and that she should instead do weed. My mom is conservative and very straight-edge so she'd never do that, but he continued on about how she's closed minded. He got into fights with her over some other things too and called her two-faced and a liar. He then attacked one of the twins, who broke up with his girlfriend early this year. He accused him of still talking to the girl. Twin showed his phone and everything, but our brother still went on a rampage about how he knows he's still totally talking to her. He yelled a bunch at the other twin too which resulted in the twin crying, even though the twins are 19. Then came my turn! For some background info, I tried out anxiety medication (Zoloft) at the end of 2018 and had a severe reaction. Right away I became incredibly lactose-intolerant and extremely sensitive to all kinds of foods, resulting in severe diarrhea or throwing up. My doctor disagreed that the Zoloft caused this, but the specialist I saw told me it definitely could have been a rare but severe side effect from this psychiatric drug which is known to be harsh on the stomach. He gave me a simple diet to follow and expected me to build up a tolerance against these reactions. Regardless, what was important was that either way, I was not well. I followed his instructions though and my reactions lessened, but haven't fully gone away yet. So, back to my brother. He randomly confronted me in the kitchen, asking me to tell him what's "really" going on. Honestly, I had no clue what he was talking about. He started glaring at me and telling me to tell him the truth. Turns out, he thinks I'm just pretending to have these reactions so that I have an excuse to not have to study (I'm trying to get into law, and was waitlisted twice due to a low lsat score). He even confronted the twins about how it's suspicious that I was waitlisted in a row, that he doesn't think I even wrote the lsat, which thankfully the twins saw and had the emails of. But that didn't stop my brother from continuing his rampage. He claimed I'm just pressured to go into law (untrue, it's very much so my own choice) and so I'm totally faking all this. I was pretty shocked, and told him that this is all real, that he could take a look at my previous blood test if he wanted. Unfortunately, while looking for it in my binder, I remembered that I had thrown it out as it didn't show anything substantial. This triggered my brother into a craze as he started ranting about how he's "catching the lies" and that I should fess up right now. At least my parents and the twins all know this is all real, and told him to stop acting like this, but he doesn't listen to anyone. Finally, I was discussing how upsetting this was to my mom. That's when my brother came barging in and started accusing me all over again. He said I maybe even secretly do drugs (ridiculous). I asked him why he even thinks all this nonsense, and he said, "I'm just saying that you should really tell me the truth because it's going to be so awkward for you when the truth comes out at the doctor's". He believes the doctor will let us know that this is all a fake ruse or that I'm doing drugs which cause these reactions. I got so upset that I got teary, and then he said that if I was being honest, that I wouldn't cry. That made me even more upset, and then he accused me of fake crying to garner sympathy from mom. He also accused me of lying about the anxiety medication, saying that first I called it Zoloft, and then I called it Sertraline (which is just its drug class, my god). He says everything I say is suspicious and so interesting, as he puts it. Every single day he rants about how I'm a liar. He yells, "my sister has been lying to all of us for 3 years! She's basically 30 and she's going no where!" Not only am I not at all 30, but it hasn't even been a full 2 years since I got these reactions. Further, these reactions happen about once a week to once a month, if even, when I accidentally consume dairy or something greasy/upsetting. It doesn't stop me from studying or living an otherwise normal life. My mom wants me to take him along to my next doctor's appointment, and while I can't stand him, I'll do it just so he shuts the hell up about me. However, even if he apologizes later to me, I don't think I can ever see him the same way again. My academic accomplishments define so much of my life. My wall is covered with my awards and scholarships over the years as school has always been the one thing I'm good at. It's the only thing I'm so proud of. I worked my ass off and even helped my brother to graduate from high school, which he always credits me with. And so for him to accuse me of being a fake actor, feigning an illness for 2 years just so I can avoid studies, is so insulting and hurtful to me. I have a bachelor's, double minors, and double certifications. My life has revolved around my education and my family knows that. He told my mom he'll accomplish double what I have by the time he's my age though, and that I'm wasting away my life, pretending it away and lying to everyone. My next appointment is with a stomach specialist (gastroenterologist) and so it'll be a long wait, but the time between now and then is killing me, hearing him yell out accusations day after day. I've totally had enough of this. I feel so distressed and angry when I even hear his voice. He's supposed to be my brother, acting like family and supporting me, not discouraging me, doubting me and accusing me. Our last argument happened when he burst into my room, yelling out accusations again but this time I exploded on him. My hands began to shake in anger, and once again he said if I was innocent then I wouldn't even get angry. I have NO idea why he's gone insane like this since he's gotten back from his trip, but he's completely destroyed our relationship and I want nothing to do with him. I can't even believe this is really my brother, who I loved so deeply and cared so much about ever since we were little. It's like something has come over him in the worst way. I feel very picked on and bullied. Not even my worst enemies have spoken to me in the way my brother is. He claims he's doing all this because he cares for me and wants the truth to come out. Just crazy. Obviously, this is all still happening and I'm very angry and heated still, but I really do believe I don't have love for him anymore in my heart. In fact, I can't stand him. If I never saw him again, I'm confident I'd be just fine. In my heart, he's no longer a brother of mine. I do recognize he's young/not the most mature, but I still feel this way, especially since I know I'd never do this someone at any age. Am I overreacting?
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