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RedFox1

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  1. First off I think you need to end things with your current girlfriend. You are already betraying your current relationship with the torch you bear for your long ago ex, even more so now that you are here asking these questions. This is not fair to your current girlfriend; you need to be honest with her first and foremost.
  2. RedFox1

    This man

    You're right. There was the break in the communication the first time (when first learning of the girlfriend), but then continued communication when things started up again a few weeks later.
  3. RedFox1

    This man

    Agreed. He's emotionally cheating on his girlfriend. Not your doing, so yeah, "Don't feel so bad."..."You can't control what other people do". :)
  4. Sorry to hear of your troubles regarding steady work. With everything going on this has become so very difficult right now too. I do hope you're able to find something and get back on your feet financially. That being said... Ultimatums and games like this do not come from people who truly care and love you. I would walk away if somebody gave me such ultimatums, especially so after beginning mind games with the sex followed by everything else you've mentioned. She's getting her cake and eating it too, all on her terms. This feels like really disrespectful behaviour to me.
  5. Agree with other posters here. Your ex is a part of your past. Leave those relationships where they belong. Besides, the likelyhood that you'll get a reply (b/c that's what you're really looking for) is next to zero. The likelyhood that you'll get a reply but not the one you want is almost just as low. In any case this will just upset you. I would also be annoyed if I heard from my ex on my birthday.
  6. Has she ever shown you any signs that she might have feelings beyond friendship for you? If not, if you really value this friendship, and if you care enough for this person, then don't do anything at all. She would certainly make it obvious, in some way, if she desired anything more than friendship from you. Be thankful for the great friendship. Acting upon the "what if" could very easily destroy what you have with her. Just let your friendship continue to play out, and if anything comes of it, naturally, in the future, great. If not, that should be geat too, a close friend for life. You can't put a price on really good, close friends imo.
  7. He didn't tell you because he didn't want to hurt you. You had remained in close contact with one another and loved one another for many years. He likely knew through this contact that you continued to have feelings for him. You may not have said anything directly, but I'd guess he picked up on it. So I think, basically, that he was avoiding causing you pain. And of course that is now what's happened. Unfortunately staying in contact with him while you still harboured strong feelings was a mistake. You had made the choice to break up with him, but you couldn't truly let go. Letting go of someone that you love, that you've had a long relationship with, is incredibly difficult and I think it's just in our nature to want to keep that person close in any way possible. But by doing so also greatly harms and diminishes our ability to move on. You really do need to let this one go at this point, rip off that band aid, for your own well being. Edit: Unless of course his communication with you was more flirtatious than mere friendly. In which case I agree with Rose, his contact with you was completely wrong of him.
  8. Sorry to hear you have been broken up with. It takes two people to want to stay in a ralationship, but only one to want to leave. Unfortunately you have to respect his decision, no matter how much that hurts. No contact is a good first step for you to move on with your life, to mend your heart and mind. This hurts because any positive happy memories for you from that period have basically been invalidated. They weren't the happy experiences for the both of you that you remember. Unfortunately that's the case with most relationships and breakups. When one person decides to leave, that's a process that began some time ago for them. His own anxieties are for him to resolve too. One should never expect a significant other to fix their problems for them. That's unfair on the SO (in this case you). How long were you together for? Do you have friends or family you can spend your free time with? Hobbies that you can distract yourself with? Far easier said than done I know, but sitting around and dwelling on the what ifs, ands and buts will only prolong your healing, which is something you now need to focus on.
  9. Truly sorry for your loss. My condolences to you and your family.
  10. Have you thought about just going out as a group, you, your brother and his friend, for dinner and conversation? No undue pressure on either party, and you could make this a regular, casual, get together thing for a short time. This would be a way for you to get a better sense for his conversation style and interests, without any dating pressures.
  11. It's 100% up to him to rebuild your trust in him, and that's something you really need to have a conversation with him about. He would need to go above and beyond to reassure you as much as you need until such a time that you can trust him again. Which may never happen. Personally, because I've been in a similar situation, I'd seriously put a time frame on this. You can't stay in a relationship with someone if you are constantly wondering. That is relationship hell.... for you. It sucks, and I'm sorry you find yourself in this position. He needs to know how you feel and what he needs to do to rebuild trust. If he truly loves you and wants to be with you, he'll do whatever it takes. Anything less and you really need to cut that cord. Have the conversation, have regular check-ins. Put a time frame on this, for your own sake. Unfortunately, once a cheater, always a cheater, is true most of the time. Very rarely do such people change (if ever??).
  12. Friends come and go thoughout life too. The real lifelong close friends will naturally stick. It took me many years and many friends to find the really good, trustworthy, loyal, dependable and close friends that I have now, and I wouldn't change that for anything. With the better you that you are currently working toward, the positive vibes that you'll carry around with you will draw new friends and relationships close. You'll get there, just takes time.
  13. Wanting her back is just wanting a quick band aid fix for the initial pain you are feeling. Perfectly normal, but yeah, you want her back for the wrong reasons. You seem to have a pretty level head regarding all of this, so take that as a huge positive in your ability to move on. Too many people stay in relationships because they're too scared to be single, alone. So they remain in a less than happy relationship until something else comes along that they can quickly jump into, fixing nothing. Learn to enjoy and truly love being single. The more you can love being comfortable and very happily single, and the independence that comes with that, the better you'll be for someone else in a future relationship. You also won't be concerned or 'burdened' with trying to find a new relationship. Time will naturally sort that out for you, and you'll enjoy every waking moment until such a time. Learn from this as you learned from your first relationship breakup. From what you are doing thus far with your self improvement journey, you are already doing great. Chin up!
  14. If he loved you he would not have refused you so many times regarding your desire for marriage. And now that he is facing financial difficulties and possibly even homelessness he's suddenly changed his mind? No. I'm sorry you are in love with a person like this. He is not treating you in a way that is loving whatsoever. It's all one sided. I'm sorry you love him because you've already answered your own questions and concerns. You know you aren't comfortable with any of this, and you know that you don't want to marry this person. You are still doubting yourself because your love for this person is clouding your very own judgment. "Love is blind" is not just a cliche saying. It really is and can be. I've certainly fallen victim to it, and gone against my own advice to others in the past, because of my love for someone. This judgment is, as Cherylyn has mentioned, your gut talking. And that's a powerful thing. Follow your gut instincts, they really are pretty much right every time. I think that's something most would agree with. If something doesn't feel right in the pit of your stomach, then it's not right. Unfortunately to add to that, I think you need to break up with this person too. It doesn't sound to me like he loves you in any way. He might say he does, but if what you have said about him is true, I really don't think he feels it. He is certainly not good for you, and you are currently being dragged along with him. You deserve so much better than that in life, you really do. There are others out there who will treat you with the love and respect that you deserve.
  15. I agree with a lot of the advice throughout this entire thread. On the one hand you both met when you were quite young and as adults you will no doubt be very different people now. That being said, you've made it 10 years. I urge you to find a way to ignore and perhaps stop engaging on a personal level with your work colleague. Nothing good can come of that, believe me, believe others saying the same here. And this advice is regardless of your current relationship and what may or may not come of that moving forward. Take a time out, think about your current relationship, have conversation with your girlfriend of ten years, a relationship temperature check as it were. How is she feeling about things at this point? I would at least attempt to reconnect with her, you owe that to the both of you and your ten years together. A lot of couples lose a certain connection after some time, but every investment requires topping up every now and then. I think you will regret not trying some form of reconnection with her, rekindle the flame that brought you to one decade together.
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