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Everything posted by FenixReborn

  1. If there is no emotional connection, why would you you distance yourself because she slept with other guys? That is the whole foundation of your relationship, that you can sleep with other people. If you have had this relationship in the past, why would you be worried about being seen as desperate? You have essentially used each other for sex, so desperation is built into the equation. If this is really want you want, just act like you did before. It worked then, why wouldn't it work now? Although it seems to be me that you might not be as emotionless in this as you claim. You've shown signs of jealousy, nervousness, and a concern for how you appear to her. You've gone to an advice forum to get help over her. That's a little more serious. I'd be asking myself if I was honestly okay with this relationship as it's been. Friends with benefits don't work out long term as feelings will always come up eventually. Maybe you've reached the point where it's either take it to another level, or leave it in the past?
  2. For what it's worth, you sound like you were a smart and awesome person then and you are a smart and awesome person now. You are strong. Don't change.
  3. His choice in this case is family vs marriage. It's a no win scenario. Yes, you should stand by your spouse. But family are the ones who stood by you throughout your life. If they don't get alone, you will have someone angry with you no matter what you do. However, you seem to be willing to forgive his actions and be more reasonable, so making you upset is the lesser evil. That's not good for you and is honestly a messed up situation all the way around. There seems to be a number of issues between the two of you that has gone on for some time. If they continue to happen and you are miserable, what is keeping you there? Is this the life you really want to be living? The constant buildup of stress is not healthy and will cause you damage in the long term. Is there a way you can spread out your education? Take the classes you can afford now and work on the degree over a longer period of time? Is financial aid a possibility? As long as you are with the same people, the same issues will continue. If he is not willing to listen to your concerns, he won't change or make it better. So the only person you can control is yourself. You need to take actions to look out for yourself and make you happy.
  4. You are playing with fire and that fire is likely to burn four people in it's rage. As much fun as it might be, it is not worth the pain that would be caused if this came out. You have a husband to be "naughty" with. He now has a wife. You should each focus on your partner and making that relationship work. How would you feel if he was the one having a "secret buddy?"
  5. I didn't just mean physical force. Anyone who is saying the things he said, telling her she owes him sex, is putting pressure on her, emotionally belittling her, which I consider to be forcing as well. I have zero tolerance for anyone who takes advantage of a woman. I agree, there are a lot of issues here and getting help is important. I've heard from plenty of woman who have gone through similar stories. I've seen the tendency to blame yourself, to allow such behavior as through you deserve it. That isn't healthy. It's also something that the guys will use against you. Seek someone to talk to so you can work through this incident, and whatever else may be causing your lack of self-esteem. You are worthy of so much better, of real love.I really hope things get better for you.
  6. Any time I've seen people in a rush to get married, it's usually not a good sign. While I can see falling in love fast and wanting to spend your life with someone, these people seem to think that just the act of marriage somehow makes everything all right. But if you are really happy with someone, really love them, shouldn't just being able to be with them at all something to cherish? Shouldn't you be willing to wait until the other person is ready and you've been able to work out a plan for starting a life together? As the saying goes, only fools rush in. Marriage is a partnership, built on mutual respect, compassion and compromise. He should not be trying to force you into anything you are not ready for. He should respect the life you have and that you can't just throw everything aside to rush to him. Likewise, he should not be expected to throw his life aside for you. If you are hesitating, there is a reason. Think about what you want and how serious you feel for him. You sound like you are being reasonable on coming up with compromises (alternating between who goes to visit the other). I think you should lay it all out for him, exactly how you feel. If he is serious about this, he will work with you to come up with a compromise that works for both of you. If he continues to pressure you, then he may not be the one you were hoping for.
  7. No means no. If you said no at anytime, he should have stopped. This includes visual cues like you pulling away. Any decent man would not force you or guilt you into doing something you were not comfortable with doing. Sex should not be an expectation of someone. Sex should be a mutual expression of love between two consenting and willing partners. He should not have said you were difficult to deal with and even if you were, that is not a reason for you to give him sex. Your body is your body, it is your choice to share it with someone or not. Real relationships do not require compensation from one person to the other. Relationships are about working together, about both parties feeling comfortable and happy together. Yes, he was physically and emotionally abusive towards you. This was a form of sexual assault. I am so sorry you endured this and that it had to be your first time. No person deserves to be treated that. Please, talk to someone about it. It's not healthy to blame yourself or keep this in. If you don't deal with this, you will make it hard on yourself to love or trust again and won't see how great the experience can be with someone who actually cares for you and respects you. Worst, you may end up in the same situation with someone else, with even worst results. What you went through is not right.
  8. Huh, looks like I'm the only one that didn't go crazy in college. Given that my family life went to hell in that time, doubt I would have had time even if I wanted to. I figure I'll just save up all my wild acts of rebellion for the nursing home. Watch out for me in my 80s! We all make mistakes and do things we regret. Hopefully we learn from them. Batya33, I'm sorry you went through that. College was alright, but I've been picked on in school and outside of school. It's never easy and can really scar you. I agree with the idea of volunteering. That's one reason I do it, because I don't want to see people hurting like I have. Taking the pain and turning it into something positive, a force for good, is a wonderful thing to do.
  9. Do not date a coworker, particular if you are in a position of power over her. No matter how things turn out, there is too much room for awkwardness and unintended consequences. You would first need to check company policy. There are issues of favoritism. There is the chance things don't work out and then you have your work and personal issues overlapping. Plus, you'd be basically together all the time and that's not usually healthy either. It could work out, but there are many landmines that would need to be carefully navigated. Your feelings for your co-worker aren't something to feel bad about. Even people who have the most solid relationship can be attracted to and develop a crush on someone else. We're human and don't stop noticing people that we connect with. I actually think it's great that you have gone this long and only been interested in being with one person. The question is, how do you feel about your girlfriend right now? Do you still love her and want to be with her? Other than this one issue, is everything else okay? And would losing her be with the "freedom" of pursuing someone else? It sounds like you need to talk with your girlfriend. Express that you feel like you've apart and would like to share more of each others interests. If you've been together this long, it's worth it to try to work things out. Also, a couple doesn't have to be interested in each other's jobs, as long as they are willing to listen to each other. I know by best friend has no interest in accounting work, but she is always willing to listen to how my day went and hear me vent frustrations because she cares about me and takes an interest in how I am. Likewise, I have little interest in a fashion or reality show she watched, but it's important to her so I listen. The same applies even more in a relationship. It's about being together and showing you care for the other person. As long as you have enough in common, you don't need to have everything in common.
  10. When it's over, you know it. Sometimes life takes two people done different paths and they are only together for a little while, enriching each other's life and helping point you on to the one you are suppose to be with. limichelle, you know your worth and you know what you want. That puts you ahead of so many others. I have no doubt that good things are coming your way and that you will find your someone eventually, someone who wants the same things you do.
  11. She was unsure of things and did reach out to you. You responded by saying it was over. Why would she put herself out there again when it was pretty clear where you stood? For someone already confused about their feelings, that reaction just makes them pull back more and more afraid to talk things over with you. You essentially gave an ultimatum and no one responds well to those. I would have tried to have a heart to heart and get to why she was scared or overwhelmed. But by just ending things, can you be surprised that she hasn't called? And if you are the one still thinking about her, maybe you should have thought about that decision more before acting so rashly?
  12. Don't do FWB. Feelings always develop for one party and no good comes of that. The physical connection ends up becoming emotional and it is harder and harder to pull away from the person. So if you don't want to be in this position, focus on having an actual relationship with someone. I was in a position just out of college where I had a more then friendship/not yet relationship with a girl. She was also toxic and essentially used me for comfort support. Of course, I didn't see that. Ever hopeful, I saw the good things in her and not the bad. Yet, she would never commit and things would keep going bad. Even though everything, I still wanted to be with her. Eventually she did something so hurtful that I had to step away. I had to keep reminding myself of the harm that she had done me and the pain she had put me through. I see you in a similar position. You are still going to have feelings for her, those feelings don't just disappear. You've also been physically intimate with her, unlike my case, which adds another whole level of feelings that can keep pulling you back in. But you just need to keep remembering that there was more bad then good. If she had really loved you and been right for you, she would not have hurt you as she did. Focus on yourself, and avoid her as best you can. Eventually, the pain will lessen as you replace her with more positive things in your life. One day you'll be able to do what I did, hear from her again and not have her get too you. If anything, I actually felt bad for her. She missed out on a great relationship and her behavior actually hurt her in the long run. This girl missed out on a great relationship with you and you are better off without her.
  13. My mother has dealt with both an alcoholic and someone who was physically abusive. Neither ended well. I see that you have a good relationship and can talk to each other, so I hope things work out and this was just a one time mistake. But don't forget this and if it happens again, don't hesitate to stop things. You shouldn't put yourself in danger. I also think the alcohol made things worse, but that his actions displayed underlying anger issues that should be looked at. Good luck and hope things work out for you.
  14. "You can love someone with all your heart, for all the right reasons, in a moment they can choose to walk away.... love 'em anyway." Sometimes life throws at us everything we've ever wanted, someone and something that is just what we need at the time. We can give it our all and both sides try to make it work. But then it ends. The paid is unbearable and we wonder what happened. I wish I knew what to tell you, why something as silly as race should get between two people who love each other. For whatever reason, she wasn't able to put aside the pressure her family placed on her. She probably still cares for you and so wants to know how you are. When you share such a deep bond, that won't go aware even if you are with someone else. The key is what boundaries you place on things so you don't make things worse for yourselves. Don't get discouraged by this. As sad as things may have turned out, be grateful for the time you had together. Take the positive and always remember the good times you had together. Even if the love was just a supernova that blazed quickly and was over, it was special and worth it. You are a better person for having gone though it and someday you'll find what you are looking for. It's easy to say to get over someone, harder in practice though. When you really do find the person that compliments you but can't be together, how do settle for anything else?
  15. ckels, While most people would like a relationship (I know I would...), I don't think that means we Need a relationship. When I have been in the mode of needing to have someone and thinking about it constantly, that's been when I am most depressed and when love is furthest away. I've seen the same thing over and over again with plenty of people, male and female. But when those people stop trying to find love and focus on being happy with themselves, they end up feeling better. That in turn can make them more attractive. And sometimes, that's when love strikes. Love comes in it's own time. Really, just enjoy being single and have fun doing what you love. Oh, I'm 37 and still waiting. So at 32, you have plenty of time.
  16. Hi. If I am reading your story correctly, you were going through a rough time in your marriage and made a connection with a co-worker. It doesn't seem like you were intending it to be anything more then a friendship. At your core you seem like a decent person who wants others to be happy and want to do nice things for people. So don't feel bad about that part. However, it seems you have the tendency to go overboard. Not everything needs to be a grand gesture with a lot of significance. Even in telling us the story, you've needed to break it in several parts with in depth detail and analysis. That probably can come across as obsessive and make people uncomfortable. I find it's best to keep to the KISS (Keep it simple, stupid) philosophy. If you want to leave a birthday message, simply say "happy birthday." Giving a journal to a writer is a perfect gift, it doesn't need three ribbons to symbolize future children or her getting married. Posting something cute to cheer her up when she is depressed is nice. But I'm guessing you did to much which is why she felt uncomfortable. It's the small, little things that often mean the most to people. A kind word or smile goes a long way. It sounds like you've learned from the experience and I wish you well in the future.
  17. Confidence, shyness, etc isn't one or the other. Everyone is confident at times and not confident at others. Everyone is shy sometimes, not shy at others. We may naturally learn more to one side, but given the right circumstances we can switch to the other end of the spectrum and everywhere in between. I'm extremely introverted. But with the right person, on the right topic, I can go on forever. So I think the key is to surround yourself with those you can relate with. You will be more comfortable and will naturally have more to talk about. I also think it's important to have empathy. Sometimes being able to listen is even more important then speaking.
  18. You made the right call for you, that's all that matters. If you don't want to go through everything again with him, he'll have to learn to live with it. Better things will come your way and you want need the games or drama to get it.
  19. So, she saw you in the drive thru and, knowing nothing about you other then where you work at how you look, offered to be your girlfriend? You later had a brief conversation sharing your age and where you go to school. While this is a cute story and fun bit of flirting, it doesn't seem like a solid foundation to pursue as a possible relationship, especially when you are already determined to pursue your own interests for now. Essentially, she is a stranger. Keep in touch if you like, but you'd be better off staying to your plan and focusing on you for a bit. If someone comes along that you get to know more naturally and feelings develop, re-evaluate where you are at and if you are ready to have a relationship. But for now, enjoy being single and having fun in your life.
  20. Til There's Nothing Left - CAM "I wanna know what it feels like To disappear into you and Never have to say goodbye..."
  21. I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you were able to find closure in your relationship and enjoy the last minutes you had together. He may not physically be here, but his spirit will live on it you.
  22. I've had the same kind of dream as an adult, not being ready for an exam in a class I didn't even know I was taking. Which is odd, since I was always the type to be extra prepared for any test and almost never missed class. Anything stressful happening in your life? Been thinking about the past lately? Dreams are a strange mixture of things that manifest itself in ways you would never imagine. If you are stressed or anxious about something, try to work on it. Otherwise, just enjoy dreams for the crazy rides they take us on.
  23. Congratulations! It's when we least suspect and aren't looking that something good tends to find us. I wish you the best and hope you two have many good times to come together.
  24. Sounds like that strange place that's not quite dating level, but the attachment is more than just sex. I've been in a place where I was attracted to someone (and they attracted to me) but not ready for it to go further. It made things odd and that was without sex being a factor. I just don't think we should rush to saying the guy is using you when there could be any number of things going on in his mind. The most likely result is that he is not wanting something more, for whatever reason. In that case, the best case is to stop being FWB. You should be with someone who is going to give their full attention to you. In the end though, it's all about what makes you happiest
  25. "You can't teach an old dog new tricks." If your boyfriend has been this way for awhile, there's probably not much you can do about it. He needs to eventually learn for himself how to treat a woman. You should be with someone who already knows that and will treat you with respect. Good guys are out there, they just take a bit longer to find. We unfortunately can't choose who are siblings fall in love with. If your brother loves this woman that much, you are probably stuck with her. My best friend can't stand the woman her brother married as they are complete opposites. The SIL sounds similar to yours in that they focus a lot on money and status. So my friend basically avoids contact as much as possible and instead just writes to her brother. They only really have to interact for Christmas and then it's mostly about their children. If you can do something similar, it might help. Write to your brother, but limit contact with the SIL. As much as you want to look out for his heart, he has to deal with his own relationship. There may be things going on there you aren't aware. Just be ready to be there for your brother if he ever does come to you. Trust that he'll do what's right for him.
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