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Everything posted by FenixReborn

  1. Openhearts, He doesn't sound like he is using you or making you second choice. In an intimate moment he opened up and shared his most intimate thoughts and fears with you. I think he does care about you but has a lot of emotional baggage from his previous relationships. His wife of 10 years cheated on. That's a pain that lingers. He broke off another relationship because he wasn't ready for it too get too serious. Now he feels guilty about ending that. He sounds like he is wanting to have a relationship that lasts, but doesn't know how and may not be emotionally ready himself. In order to move on, people need a sense of closure. Seeing the ex brought back old feelings and doubts that he is trying to work through. Ask yourself what you want from this relationship. How much are you willing to help him through? At what point will it be too much for you take? It's not easy being the solid one when the other person is emotionally damaged. It's a thin line from being supportive to feeling used. Make it clear to him what you will take and if you don't like how things are making you feel, say so. Since the communication seems to be a problem, tell him. He shouldn't be disappearing on you. Let him know that the only way to have a real relationship, is to communicate.
  2. Everything happens for a reason. But it's up to use to determine what that reason is. We all go through trials and tribulations, do things we regret, have moments that affect who we are deep down. It takes strength and character to admit a mistake and even more to learn from it. We can't change the past, but we can use it to make a better future. Sounds like you are doing just that. There are always hurdles and days we don't live up to our goals. But as long as you are trying your best, that's what matters most.
  3. If she has a boyfriend, no matter how fragile that relationship is, you do not get involved. Even if she say's she's given up on it, it's clear she hasn't. That this guy is involved in drugs and in jail is a huge warning sign. That she would send him money and keep things going even though he's been in trouble before, another huge warning sign. At most be a light friend to encourage her to break it off with him for good. She's putting herself in danger and she needs to see that. But if she doesn't change, you don't want to put yourself in that same danger.
  4. Even the most decent and noble people make mistakes. As your relationship continues, both of you will make mistakes. You'll disappoint and hurt each other. But as long as you are open and honest with each other and work together through any issue, those mistakes will just be bumps on the road. You can work through this and anything else that comes up. And don't doubt what a good person you are. The fact that you feel this guilty shows that you are a good guy and just how much you care about her.
  5. Perhaps he saw you flirting with someone else as getting back at him? He didn't like that you were mad at him for having an affair but then thought it wasn't fair that you could turn around and do it to him (even if it was only flirting). That doesn't excuse his actions or make them right. I'm just trying to put things in his perspective. It's also easier to lash out as someone else then to admit your faults. Your actions gave him a justification for what he did and made it easier to run from his part in all this. The top priority here should be the child. If the guy is unwilling to work things out, you need to focus on splitting up and getting care for the child. And even if he was willing to work on things, you would need to consider if that environment would be healthy for the baby.
  6. That's how I often feel with my parents. Although my mother has been there for me, I often feel like I have to get her to take care of herself. My issues were more with my (now deceased) father. But it's amazing how our relationships with our parents can shape our relationships with everyone else, even years later. Talk it over in counselling and try to not let it get you down. You're not responsible for your mother's behavior. Keep focusing on yourself and moving forward. You're doing great.
  7. Even though this is nine months old, I'm still glad it got brought up again and I could read it. It's always nice to hear a positive story for a change. And if the poster ever comes back and reads this, congratulations. I hope everything is still going well.
  8. Do not fall into the trap of thinking the number of social media followers or friends or likes (or whatever rating system the platform has come up with) actually mean anything. Numbers can be manipulated. Some will be people who follow because they like one thing and then may no have any other contact with the person. Some people resort to crazy tactics to get more attention and followers. But these people aren't real friends. Social media can become a horrible obsession of trying to be more popular. And it can make you depressed if you can't keep up. That's not healthy. Stay away from social media if that is how it's making you feel. Love is not a numbers game. Just because you know a million people, doesn't guarantee you'll know the right one. On the other hand, you might only be close to a handful, and the lucky one is in that group. Love comes in it's own time, we just need to hold on until then and learn to be happy with ourselves in the meanwhile. And personally, I'd rather only have a few true friends, then lots of "friends." I'm not a party person either. And there is nothing wrong with that. Don't compare yourself to anyone else or try to change yourself to fit in with anyone else. One, you shouldn't have to change yourself for anyone. Two, it doesn't usually work. Trying to be someone you are not only makes you more uncomfortable and less likely to fit in. Instead, focus on you. Embrace who you are. Be the person you want to be and do what makes you happy. I have felt just as done and depressed as you describe. Those have been the times I've doubted myself, wonder if I'm doomed to always be alone. But I've never tried to be anything other then me. I've stayed true to myself. And the times I've been at my best, when I've been completely open with who I am and not caring what anyone thought, those were the rate moments when people actually gravitated towards me. So try not to despair. Try to see the good in you and celebrate the person you are. A change in that perspective can make all the difference in the world.
  9. I find that the best romances start just that way. When you aren't looking and they just find you, taking you by storm and knocking you off your feet. But when you are constantly searching or wanting it, you only make yourself more depressed. Everything seems like a sign that you'll be alone forever while everyone else is having these amazing loves. Even if you know that's not true, it's hard to escape the feeling. So you try harder, desperate to avoid being alone. And when things don't work out, you're even more hurt. It can be a vicious cycle. Instead, try not to worry about it. Be happy with your life, do what you love. When you are fully embracing yourself and having fun on your own, those moments of doubt become less and less. And eventually, that relationship will find you. You are also 23. You have plenty of years left for love. I never even had someone show interest in me until 22. At 37, I'm still waiting for that special someone. But I have faith it will happen someday. So you are doing well for your age. You deserve someone you really connect with, someone with whom it will be natural. Don't feel bad for not trying to give chase or force something when you don't feel the spark. Like the song says, "You can't hurry love."
  10. Personally, I agree. But it's surprising what some guys are into or will tolerate. It's probably safest to keep the interaction strictly professional. However, sex workers are people too and can develop feelings for someone. So if poster wants to take a shot, it's his call to go for it. Just make sure to consider all the factors and be okay with whatever the result is.
  11. If you are in college, dedicating your time to studies is what you are suppose to be doing. Explain to your parents that you need to focus most of your time on your work. You are preparing for the rest of your life after-all. However, it's not good to study all the time. You do need a break. When I was in school I would finds a time each week that fit my schedule and say I was doing anything but studying. A few hours off gave me rest and put things in perspective. It allowed me to have fun and enjoy life rather then be stressed over the next test or paper due. Use this time to do something with your family. A movie, a sports game, a board game ... anything. The point is to be together and see there is more to life. You might even enjoy it. Also, I was able to join an honors group for the field I was in. As an officer in the group, I had to spend more time with people despite being naturally shy and preferring to be alone most of the time. It wasn't that I was selfish (I was community service coordinator), I'm just not someone to have a lot of friends. But being in the group and taking most of the same classes with these people, helped me to have to interact with them. Maybe you could find something similar? It would also be good for you professionally as you'll need to be able to work well with others in most careers.
  12. As a guy, I would not be calling a women baby and saying she was my girl unless I already considered her my girlfriend. If you've already talked about being exclusive, that sounds like you've had the talk already. So, is it just that he doesn't use the words? Because everything else sounds like it is going great. Maybe he just doesn't see how important those words are to you. If you really need it, let him know. Ask him if he wants to make it official. If you are comfortable, playfully call him your boyfriend. The best way to handle any situation is straight forward and honestly. Oh, and don't get so caught up in labels and little things, that you miss out on the great relationship happening all around you.
  13. Yes, males and females can be friends even when one has feelings for another. I've been the one with feelings for someone who saw me as a friend. But we were able to maintain a friendship. Every friendship is different, as everyone is an individual who has different levels of what they can handle. Things might be awkward at first, but if both sides are mature and willing to keep the friendship, there is no reason they can't remain good friends. As for how to approach it, you're asking the age old question. Best advice I can give is to just be honest. Find some time alone with her, and speak from the heart. You seem sincere in your feelings and care about hers. Don't make a huge declaration of love. Instead, tell her how much you enjoy being around her, how glad you are to have her in your life, and that you're starting to have deeper feelings for her. Tell her what you told us, that you don't want to hurt the friendship, but that you needed to get this out. Then leave it in her hands. It may be the start of something incredible. Or it may not go how you would like. But it's better to know then to always wonder what could have happen. Before you do it though, make she you are truly okay with whatever she decides. It's a risk. It's scary. No, actually it's terrifying. But the greater the risk, the greater the potential reward. And you'll never know unless you try. Good luck.
  14. If she was only trying to get money for her "services" why would she indicate that she turns down those services? Has she actively tried to get you to give her anything beyond payment for the massage? Yes, she would be classified as a sex worker due to the "happy endings." But not all sex workers are out to take your money and take advantage or you. It's a job, true. But, it's possible she actually does get along with you and enjoy your company. You should still tread carefully, but don't rush to judgement about her. Another thing to consider is how you feel about her position. If she is offering a happy ending to you, she's offering it to other customers. Are you comfortable with that? Even on the off chance everything is on the level and you two hit it off, would you be okay with her continuing this line of work?
  15. I think that's the hardest part, not knowing why something happened. If you had seen it coming or knew something was wrong, he could have prepared yourself, had time to process where things were. But when it's unexpected you're only left with questions. Why? What was it? Could I have done something different? And if you don't have those answers, it's difficult to find the closure you need to fully move on. And how do you trust someone to that level again when you know it could all end suddenly again? You're doing a great job so far, and I know better things are coming for you. Keep at it and one day that someone will be standing in front of you.
  16. Dalesboy, if that had happened to me at 13 I think I'd still be hurting and scared to get close to a woman almost 25 years later. That you can smile about that impresses me. I think you have a good attitude and a good head on your shoulders. Any girl would be lucky to get to know you. Go out there and blow the ladies away. Leo who?
  17. Resolution and closure is always a good thing, both for the person that was hurt and the person who did the hurting. If one of the people who hurt me in the past reached out to apologize, I would be really moved. I'm not sure if the relationship would continue much past that, but I would have a great respect for someone who could admit when they are wrong and seek to make it right, especially after all that time when it would have been so much easier to forget all about me. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it, and I wouldn't expect anything from her in return. But you should do it. The fact that you would even think about it, says a lot about your character and the person you've grown into. You seem like a good guy.
  18. Don't compare experiences, it's not a contest. I'm sure there will come a time when the roles are reversed and he is the one stuck somewhere he doesn't want to be while you are enjoying yourself. You are only making yourself feel worse and resentful of him. You should be trying to enjoy the time you have with each other, talking about things that make you happy, not focusing on what you are missing. Be happy for him that he can live a little more. You can even make it into a joke, threatening to get him sent back where you are if he gets out of line. As for your situation, there are plenty of things you can do solo. Movies, games, online courses, books. See if you can't get something arranged to boost troop morale. An online gathering party for bases. Plenty of people are feeling stir crazy because of the pandemic. So an idea like that might be welcome. I know I've attended conventions online when I never would have been able to do it in person. There are all kinds of livestreams for music festivals. It might take a little research into whatever topic you're into, but you can probably find something cool to do.
  19. When you care about and love someone deeply, those feelings linger. It's fine to have down days at any time, especially around significant dates like a birthday or anniversary. But you get through, one day at a time. Just keep doing what you are doing and making yourself happy with your own life. Those bad days become less and less, spread further and further apart. But if you need a day to not be okay, if you need to let out some tears, do it. That's the healthy approach, embracing your feelings as they come.
  20. Additional points to consider: 1. Make friends with those who think like you do and/or share the same values. If you can't relate to the people around you, then it won't matter how much effort you put in. A friendship or relationship should be grounded in similarities. 2. Don't play games. Yes, you already said that. But I can't repeat it enough. Games do no one any good and just create a headache and hurt feelings. 3. Don't overthink. Not everything needs a strategic plan (and this is from someone who loves lists and plans). Things usually work out for the best when we trust our instincts and go with the flow. 4. Focus on you. If your plan is to leave the country, then this is a temporary stop. Figure out what you ultimately want in your life and pursue it.
  21. lukeb, I'm sorry you are having to experience this. Elderly neglect is an issue and is not given the attention it should be. It's already difficult watch a loved one decline, you shouldn't have to worry that they aren't getting the care they are suppose to. I would fight with every tool I can find to make sure is getting better care. Your mother deserves better. Hope things get better for you.
  22. I don't think it's accepted for females to slap males. It's just so much more prevalent for men to be the ones saying and doing things to women. Thus, that naturally gets the attention and criticism. To be clear, any physical contact should not be happening and the person should firmly say they don't like the behavior and walk away. But, at least in my experience, it's the men who are more likely to ignore that while the women try to avoid conflicts.
  23. Hey. It's been a rough year for everyone, so it's understandable you got down and off track. I imagine quite a number of people have put on some pounds lately. But it's not the times that you go down that counts, it's being able to pick yourself back up and get on track again. If you've done it before, you can do it again. You seem disciplined and motivated, so I know you can do it. And we'll be hear cheering you on.
  24. While I agree that no one should be hitting or slapping someone else, I'm of the mindset that this "challenge" was just begging for that to happen. The whole setup is taking two people who are not in a relationship and having one make a physical/sexual move on the other. Given how common unwanted sexual attention is for women, I don't blame a woman for always being on guard. Actually, I kind of like that they are standing up for themselves, even if it's not how I would have done it. "Me Too" wasn't that long ago. Men (or women) should not be encouraged to do things that in any way can be interpreted as harassment. Even if there was no harm meant by the challenge, how is the other person suppose to know that? All they see is this guy they thought they trusted invading their personal space for a kiss they didn't want. If you have a crush on a friend, their are plenty of better and safer ways of letting them know. It's crazy how so many stupid and sometimes dangerous ideas spread. A little foresight could deal people these ideas will lead to trouble. I'll never get any of this "social media" stuff.
  25. Ask why you weren't invited. If you have been friends this long, they should be able to understand that it bothers you. It does seem a bit rude to expect you to give them ideas for the wedding, but not actually have you there. So talk it over with them. Be polite and reasonable, but let them know how you feel. It's not good for you to keep it in.
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