Hi, some advice would be greatly appreciated.
Last year I lost a friend to suicide & it hit me hard, I was also beginning to go through a lengthy legal action with some business partners, the only good thing I had in my life at the time was my GF.
I was in a bad place mentally & had to get away for as I had convinced myself nobody (GF included) wanted me around. Which was wrong, she wanted me but I privately thought she can do better than me. My head was so messed up from losing a friend & the legal action.
So I left the country & lived in isolation for a while to try & get my head right again (not the best idea I know now, but great training for lockdown I guess ha).
Throughout this, my ex & I stayed in touch. Talking a few times a week & mainly laughing. I started to realise what a mistake I had made but I still thought she could do better than me, even tough we were still talking & getting on like we were together still. I wanted to tell her I loved her but didn’t think it was right to do so.
Eventually I moved back to the same country, in a city not too far away, with the hope we could reconcile since we were still talking & texting a lot. Just before Xmas she said that she needed to not talk for a while (I know now, this is because I waited too long to say anything), I was gutted but told I would do what she wants to respect her wishes.
We didn’t talk for about a month & a half, which was awful, & then we started getting in touch again. I was supposed to go & visit her (at her invitation) in March but I got called into work. THEN lockdown happened & we’ve been separated since.
I didn’t want to bombard her with phone calls or text etc but about 2 months into lockdown I did tell her how much I regret what happened & how I wish I had spoke sooner. I told her I don’t expect a yes or no from her & left her be for a few weeks. She got in touch, saying that I managed the to the incredible feat of too little too late & too much too soon (she said she found that funny), and that lockdown wasn’t the best time to be talking about it but she does care about me. She was worried that this had just been brought on by lockdown & was (fairly, I know) sceptical of my claim that I’d wanted to say something for longer but didn’t.
We’ve been in touch a few times but when I feel her going cold, I back off for a few days. Do you think I’m going crazy & should just leave her alone since she knows how I feel or should I still get in touch with her? I love her but I’m not sure she loves me that way anymore. I sent her a few funny audio messages & she replied that she was crying laughing, so at least I know I can still make her feel good. Her reply was pretty short though & didn’t pose any questions so i figure I should just leave her alone for a while? I know this time has been tough on everyone. Any help on this would be so appreciated. I’ve been alone working from home for 3 months & could really do with some sane advice!
I know I messed up, & I apologised - should I just leave her alone? Wait a while then try again?
Thanks so much for reading.