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esteluna

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  1. Thank you for your cautionary tales. I believe I have waited this long, that I won't settle now. Your story is proof that it can be done, and if you found your great husband following your own advice, I will do so as well! You're right, I believe these great men are rarely at the bar or on quick dating apps. They are doing the work I would admire a man to be doing. Hard to get out and find these men and these situations these days with the quarantine, but I will keep my eyes and heart open. Thanks again!
  2. Thank you for your comment, I think you hit the nail on the head. I was thinking about this today, and it is exactly that. When I think of having in my life, how he would fit in well and I believe I would have fit well into is had I taken that leap of faith, I realize that it is someone with the traits of what I remember him having. Not really him. I don't really know the current him anymore. I want so badly to fully 100% believe you are right. He was not that man for me, I didn't make a fatal mistake. I am trying to have faith, I really am. It's such a comforting feeling to believe that who is meant for me will find me. I've never really thought of these lessons (rather than mistakes) redirecting my path in the right way, it's always been a thought of how my mistakes have redirected/altered course in a negative direction away from my "fate". I like how your reframe is exactly the opposite, that this is all bringing me to the right path. Thank you for your kind message. I will do my best to keep the faith!
  3. Thank you for replying. Of course, I will not contact him or interfere in his life, I mentioned so in my original post. I think in the past I did not feel as much for him where I was in that stage of my life. Now when I look back, or if I had met him at my current stage of life, I think I would feel for him what I didn't (at least as strongly) back then. Yes, I do feel as though I missed out. But I suppose, I have no idea what happens behind closed doors. Perhaps he is not so great in a long term relationship, for I only know what I've seen on social media. I never dated this person for an extended period of time, never lived with him, never saw all sides of him. But I do still wonder, and what I've seen on social media, he spends time with his family with his 4 brothers and I feel I would have fit in well with them and him in my family as well. I suppose it doesn't matter to have such thoughts now. I really hope this regret will pass as you say. That's the thing, I have so much to be looking forward to in my life. I have a thriving practice that I am currently seeing clients virtually, I have great friends and family around me, hobbies (as much as one can have during quarantine!) and the new challenge of relocating somewhere I believe I will fit much better in. I should be focused on these aspects of my current life, not the past. However, I have always had a tendency to ruminate about my past and regrets and get stuck in nostalgia.
  4. Thank you for your uplifting comment. I suppose I've been on these horrible dating apps so long, I have a skewed view on the availablity of good men. I met this individual I wrote about on Tinder, but I think he was such an exception from the majority that I'm having a hard time believing I will find another like him, or a good person with the qualities he had. He told me right off the bat that he did not believe in casual relationships, that he was looking for a long term committed relationship and he was not interested in who he was dating hanging out/being friends with individuals they had been intimate with in the past. This had stood out to me, as I agreed with this statement yet so few men I met did. So few in fact, that I had convinced myself that I didn't mind casual relationships, and that it was okay for the person I was dating to hang out with people they had dated/been with in the past. Looking back, he shared much more values with me than the men I was actively choosing over him. Sad. I wish I had stopped to check in with myself more, and been authentic and true to myself rather than trying to change myself into the mould of what I believed others thought of as "normal" or progressive or whatever. Had I been more true to myself, I would have seen how much more compatible he was with me than the rest. Your right, especially the past couple of days I have only been thinking of his positive traits. He was mature, up front and honest, but at times he was also blunt to the point of being insensitive, and occasionally mocked me for my repetitive and unhealthy patterns of dating emotionally unavailable men. For instance, he once asked me via text if I had gotten "spit-roasted" yet when he hadn't heard from me for a couple of weeks. Clearly referring to his resentment of me dating others instead of him. He made similar comments a few times, usually as a "joke" but still very hurtful. Looking back, he also rarely stated directly that he wanted to be with me, and wanted me to stop dating others. It was if he was too afraid/didn't want to be vulnerable to ask. instead, he took those joking jabs. I remember being so confused at the time why he was being so hurtful/rude to me, but I now see he was hurt and lashing out. I will head your advice. I have worked on being kind and tolerant of others, but I believe I must work on my patience and being cautious about my company. I must be more observant of others and self-aware as I move forward. Yes, that seems to be the case. I am currently surrounded by amazing people. I have worked hard to find and maintain wonderful female friends and have deepened my relationships with family members. I just haven't seemed to have come across good men with dating potential for me yet. I will try to take my time and not rush it. Maybe that has been my problem all along!
  5. I never looked at the situation this way, but you are right. I looked at losing all my Plan B's (and C's and D's...) over the last few years as a bad and sad thing, rather than what you describe as letting fresh air in. I find this a scary and somewhat daunting situation, but I will try and see it is thrilling as you say. I have lived in the past for many years, and occasionally the future as well. I have not lived in the present moment for some time, and perhaps this will force me to do so. Thank you for your comment!
  6. Thank you for your reply. You're 100% right, this is exactly why I despise regrets, I can't change it. I have a particular reoccurring theme in my life of regrets and rumination, and I think it is very unhelpful to me, yet I find my mind wanders there often. Regrets and nostalgia plague me often, but usually for this small period of time, between 2014-2017. Perhaps because it was a transitionary period in my life that was marked with enjoyable/new/exciting experiences that I often long for. I totally understand this line of thinking. I thoroughly regret the comments I made to him, because he indicated several times that he didn't want to hear me vent with other men while he and I were intimate, even though our relationship was not "official". When I pointed this out as strange because he (at that time) didn't want a relationship with me so why did it matter? He elaborated that had I not been having so many guys "in the background" or "on call" he could see himself with me long term in a serious relationship. Rather than take that leap of faith and ditch the background individuals that were not serving me, I decided to do the opposite and I deeply regret this. Who knows where I and/or he would be at this point if I had done what he asked. By not saying those things, do you think it is possible that he was the right guy and that I didn't know it because of my own immaturity/lack of readiness for a serious relationship at the time? Either way, I will head your advice and I will find a way to learn from this and keep looking for my Mr. Right. Yes, you are completely right about his point and I am happy for him. He seemed very happy in the photos I saw. Ironically, I felt like his new wife did not. But I suppose that could be due to a number of things, and I should not read into this nor assume or even hypothesize.
  7. Thanks for your reply! I agree, you cannot force yourself to feel something you don't. I guess I'm confused with myself (and maybe I don't fully remember) if that was the case with me, or if I simply was too scared/didn't believe I deserved such a man in my life that I didn't feel fireworks with him. That being said, there was chemistry and when we were intimate, it was good. I never felt like I didn't want to kiss him or make love or anything like that. I guess I just felt I had enjoyed it more with the less available/quality men... which doesn't seem to make much sense at all.
  8. Hi, thanks for your reply. That's the part that I'm rather surprised about. Before seeing the post, I had just had a great trip to the city I am planning to move to, and was feeling so positive/hopeful about my future for the first time in a really long time. The weather was wonderful, I have some family and friends there, it's a beautiful city and even the men/potential prospects seemed better/more compatible with me in my mind. I was feeling really good about things. However, when I saw that picture and was reminded of him, my past and my mistakes, missed opportunities and potentially a happy coupled life I could have had the past 3 years, I completely fell apart. My hope and optimism about my move and future life seemed to dissipate. Today I'm feeling a little better, but still not as confident as I did a couple days ago. I feel shaken, confused, sad and scared. I'm hoping it will pass. I'm thinking nostalgia does have a lot to do with this. I miss those years, 2015-2017 where I felt so free and alive. I'm not sure what was so much different about that period of time in my life, but he is associated with it and I miss those carefree and enjoyable times. I wish I had valued that period of time and my time with him more. I just can't really fully remember why I didn't feel excited to pursue a relationship with him, other than he was making it too easy and perhaps I craved the challenge of the jerky guys. I'm not sure anymore.
  9. That's really commendable that you ended something that wasn't healthy for you before it got too serious. I also think it's incredibly brave that you are deciding to move forward with having children on your own, and have such a positive outlook on the future. It helps me put things into perspective. I think along with this regret business, I've also paired with a lot of hopelessness, that I had my chance and it's over for me now. I suppose if a friend of mine was telling me this, I would not agree at all. You're right, we have many years ahead of us. Thank you for the reminder!
  10. Thank you for replying. Although tough to hear, your comments do help. Can you elaborate on what indicated to you that we were night for each other? Thank you!
  11. Thanks for your reply, I think you make some good points. I think I was into him romantically, but not nearly as much as these bad boys that offered nothing in terms of a long term realtionship. There was a spark with him in terms of intimacy, but I was looking for fireworks. I was afraid that without that, it would end up like my passionless long term relationship I had ended a few years prior to meeting him. I feel like if I had given him a real chance and dated him exclusively, slowly, I would have fallen in love with him. He was/is very loveable. I think he was at the time my Plan B, but as I matured and dated and learned about people, I started to see him (and I suppose men like him) as my Plan A. But by then, it was too late. I don't think it helps that his new wife has the same name as me... I'm sure coincidental, but still a tough pill to swallow. I know there is no point in regret, I can't change anything in the past. But I'm afraid I have lost my chance, that I am in my 30's now and men like this don't come by often. Or, at this point, at all. I don't know why I couldn't value someone that truly cared about me at the time, he showed me over the years how he wanted me to be happy. And I'm so angry at myself for chasing/valuing men that didn't care at all about me. I should have been smarter, I knew better. I just don't know how to forgive myself now... or feel hopeful about the future anymore. Were you able to find someone else in the end?
  12. Last night, I was mindlessly scrolling on facebook, and saw that an old flame of mine (we dated for a little while in 2015, then I decided to put him in the friend zone for no good reason at all...) just got married. He was a really great guy, came from a good family, hx good values and wanted a committed relationship, was educated and had a great career. Everything I said I wanted in a man. I was happy for him, he looked very happy, but I was not expecting how hard it hit me. This person was so sweet and supportive of me throughout the years, even while I dated other people despite him always showing interest in being with me. He politely asked me many times to work on my codependency issues so that we could have a real chance of dating exclusively, but rather than do this, I proceeded to date a couple of "bad boys" instead. Worst of all, I often vented and emotionally dumped on him when these relationships inevitably failed. I know this deeply hurt him. I feel so horrible about this, I simply cannot fathom what I was thinking back then to do that to someone who had been so caring towards me, even when we weren't together. Although we had drifted with our contact and hadn’t seen each other for around 2 years, I thought about him here and there and how I had made a mistake to push him away and date the losers that never really cared about me instead. I suppose I tried to shove these thoughts out of my head rather than truly deal with my mistake. And, if I'm honest, I supposed he would always be there one day when I was truly ready. In fact, after dong a lot of soul searching and refusing to date low quality men, I thought I was getting close to contacting him again. And of course, I saw the picture yesterday. I am truly happy for him, he seems like he is very content in his life now. But at the same time, I feel (maybe for the first time) the gravity of the loss that I can only blame on myself. We will never hang out again, never have late night talks about life and philosophy, never do art together again. I guess because I always thought one day we would reconnect, I never truly processed our "end" because I didn't think it was one. I know 2 years seems like a long time not to see someone, but in that time I was completing my registration, starting a new position and my own practice. It went by in a blur, and the times we used to hang out together seem not so long ago at all. I truly feel sadness that I will likely never see this person again. Fast forward to today, I am 100% not ever going to try to contact him outside of congratulating him on his wedding (which I did, and in true gentlemanly fashion, he replied thanking me and commending me on opening my practice). I want him to be happy, and I will not interfere in his life. I suppose I’m just looking for some kind of comfort or reinsurance that there will be other men like him (kind, caring, educated and successful, etc.) out there for me. Or, preferably, just the one. I am becoming less and less hopeful due to the very low frequency of meeting these men lately in my city, but I’m contemplating moving to the next province over. Maybe I’ll have a better chance there. Anyway, has anyone else had a similar experience? Did you manage to find another great person out there?
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