orangepineapple

I know it does contradict one another, but he is all of those things. I don’t need him, per-say, but I just feel like I can’t leave.

I'm not currently in therapy. I went to therapy for a couple months pre-COVID until it got shut down due to COVID. I haven't been back since and it feels exhausting to get the courage to go again.

Hi all, heres a short backstory: our relationship at the beginning was like a true movie love story: all happy, giddy, and in lust and love. We felt unstoppable and we felt like we were the only two people on this planet that could experience this love. My boyfriend and I have been together for 1.5 years. The first 7 months of the relationship were amazing, it was nothing i've ever had and everything i wanted. We were slightly long distance (3 hours), so we would go back and forth visiting each other until I started my last year of college, where we went back and forth (30 min) between my apartment and his place. The first 7 months were basically our honeymoon phase, he would constantly give me flowers, surprise me with gifts, let me do whatever I wanted, there was never a fight or a bad thing in those 7 months. After that, things got a bit rocky when he started to focus all his time on me and none on him. This lead to me being on the receiving end of constant fights, yelling, name calling, expecting more from me, making me feel guilty, and the occasional push of my hands away. This all lead up to a huge fight and explosion on his end, where he said I had to call someone to take me home, get an uber, and said I tricked him into thinking I was something special. I left for a month, and he fell into a depression (which he has gone professionally undiagnosed since he was 12). He has had problems with anxiety and depression, from years of childhood trauma and parental abuse. Ever since the biggest fight we had, where i left for a month to go back home, he has been noticeably more depressed and anxious. I have since then, checked him into therapy where I pay for him to go weekly. He has told me things like: - if you would have done (blank) and (blank) already, I might have already proposed to you - If you weren’t so lazy, you would have already made money - Your laziness and unmotivation makes me lazy and unmotivated - I have to change myself to have a better relationship with him, my family, and my friends - You are a detriment to my mental health - You would have never been this successful if it wasn’t for me I've been trying my hardest and the best I can to stay in the relationship for many reasons. The biggest is the fear of losing him, I feel like he is my soulmate and best friend, and the good times we have had together outweigh the really bad moments. I fear of losing someone as good as him (kind, gentle, caring, a good listener, someone I could take home to my family, trusting, etc). and never finding someone that treats me as good as he does (when he does treat me good). He always has the best intentions, but his actions don't match up sometimes. Another reason I can't leave is the fear of him committing suicide. He has talked about it a lot recently, and said the stress of our relationship is making it worse. I can't seem to leave but this also tells me I shouldn't stay. I'm trying my best to help in many ways, but I can't seem to be enough. Him being mentally ill is affecting him, our future, his future, my future, and my mental clarity. If we were to have kids, I couldn't bring myself to think that they would have his mental traits. Overall, I'm lost as what I should do. I can't leave because of my fear and attachment, and I do believe he can get better and so will our relationship, but I shouldn't stay because it is causing him stress and anxiety being in a relationship with me (and in general). We both don't know what to do, if breaking up is the best option, or keep pushing though even though we are both hurting.

my relationship of one year has had its share of good and bad moments. the first three months were spent long distance, and we both handled it very well. i moved closer to him for school and lived in my own apartment. he (27m) and i (22f) are living together now full time, and while it is great, i have seen an increase of arguments and disagreements. when we have a disagreement, he is usually the one to start it, by what it seems to me as belittling me. he also resorts to name calling (“idiot”, “stupid ”, “dumb ”, “ing stupid”) and treats me like i am less than my worth. he talks to me like i am a child, imitates and mocks me, and tells me i am “ed in the head” if i do something as little as forget something he said to me or make a mistake like move something without asking. in the past, he told me i can’t make mistakes because he will kill himself or he says “you make me want to kill myself”. in these moments, i feel like i can’t fight back or defend myself. i feel like my words are invalid so i resort to being silent, as my brain cannot even come up with the right things to say. if there are any right things to say. i also can’t tell if i am being gaslighted or not (which he has said “it’s not like i’m gaslighting you”). and in these situations, i feel like i am the root of them problem and he has done nothing wrong, or that is what he is saying to me in which fall to believe it. after an hour or so of this, we are often quiet. he then admits he does those things out of love, that he only had love for me, and only wants the best for me. he admits he says stupid stuff, and knows it bothers me, but continues to do it anyway. he does support me and love me, and i can see that he does, but the way of arguing in his way is throwing me off. i don’t understand how my little mistakes can throw him into such a rage that i am now a “stupid ”. around half of these fights are in the evening, and i will sometimes receive an apology in the morning, as he tells me that he only has love for me. i am lost and confused, as i know i have the love of my life and my soulmate (and he would say the same about me being his soulmate/loml) all in one person, but i don’t know why i am being treated as less. i feel belittled, small, and living in constant stress that one single move can result in another lecture on why i am childish, a terrible communicator, stupid, lazy, making me feel very word he throws at me. overall, i am not sure how to handle this situation, what to say, or what to do. i do not want to leave or breakup, but i feel like i have to make changes to me to make the relationship better and to make him happy.