Hi all, heres a short backstory:
our relationship at the beginning was like a true movie love story: all happy, giddy, and in lust and love. We felt unstoppable and we felt like we were the only two people on this planet that could experience this love. My boyfriend and I have been together for 1.5 years. The first 7 months of the relationship were amazing, it was nothing i've ever had and everything i wanted. We were slightly long distance (3 hours), so we would go back and forth visiting each other until I started my last year of college, where we went back and forth (30 min) between my apartment and his place. The first 7 months were basically our honeymoon phase, he would constantly give me flowers, surprise me with gifts, let me do whatever I wanted, there was never a fight or a bad thing in those 7 months.
After that, things got a bit rocky when he started to focus all his time on me and none on him. This lead to me being on the receiving end of constant fights, yelling, name calling, expecting more from me, making me feel guilty, and the occasional push of my hands away. This all lead up to a huge fight and explosion on his end, where he said I had to call someone to take me home, get an uber, and said I tricked him into thinking I was something special. I left for a month, and he fell into a depression (which he has gone professionally undiagnosed since he was 12). He has had problems with anxiety and depression, from years of childhood trauma and parental abuse. Ever since the biggest fight we had, where i left for a month to go back home, he has been noticeably more depressed and anxious. I have since then, checked him into therapy where I pay for him to go weekly.
He has told me things like:
- if you would have done (blank) and (blank) already, I might have already proposed to you
- If you weren’t so lazy, you would have already made money
- Your laziness and unmotivation makes me lazy and unmotivated
- I have to change myself to have a better relationship with him, my family, and my friends
- You are a detriment to my mental health
- You would have never been this successful if it wasn’t for me
I've been trying my hardest and the best I can to stay in the relationship for many reasons. The biggest is the fear of losing him, I feel like he is my soulmate and best friend, and the good times we have had together outweigh the really bad moments. I fear of losing someone as good as him (kind, gentle, caring, a good listener, someone I could take home to my family, trusting, etc). and never finding someone that treats me as good as he does (when he does treat me good). He always has the best intentions, but his actions don't match up sometimes. Another reason I can't leave is the fear of him committing suicide. He has talked about it a lot recently, and said the stress of our relationship is making it worse. I can't seem to leave but this also tells me I shouldn't stay. I'm trying my best to help in many ways, but I can't seem to be enough. Him being mentally ill is affecting him, our future, his future, my future, and my mental clarity. If we were to have kids, I couldn't bring myself to think that they would have his mental traits.
Overall, I'm lost as what I should do. I can't leave because of my fear and attachment, and I do believe he can get better and so will our relationship, but I shouldn't stay because it is causing him stress and anxiety being in a relationship with me (and in general). We both don't know what to do, if breaking up is the best option, or keep pushing though even though we are both hurting.