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awkpanda

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  1. Sorry, I'm a little bit confused by all this. So in short... are you saying it is acceptable to ask, or it is not acceptable to ask? To clarify, I would not demand/expect/instruct/convince her to go – I would only ask. And if she doesn't want to, I would likely take up the airbnb myself, that's the plan. Thanks for this perspective. In my mind I actually thought I was doing something kind by find a way for us to be out of each other's way. Giving both of us some space to grieve and come to terms with the situation... without the constant presence of the person who just broke up with you being there packing his books or whatever. I thought in a way this would be "easier" on both of us. But maybe not. I don't think I could bring myself to involve either my family/friends or the police. I just have to suck it up and deal with it, no matter how bad it gets. I can't really explain why... "losing face" comes to mind.
  2. That's a good point. I am indeed a bit of a perfectionist – if the move out is turning out to be very messy/emotional, I need to remind myself to just throw things in some boxes and go.
  3. Yeah, you're right of course, I wouldn't force it. I may still suggest it, not sure, but no one is going anywhere against their will.
  4. Thanks for the idea. I've been thinking about some variation of this approach, however, ultimately I decided against it. She's going to realize in the end that she was being "duped". I would feel terrible about this if the tables were turned, so I'd rather come clean and do it openly, even if it means some heavy discomfort. However, I will discretely organize a little bit ahead of time, mostly just planning things out in my head, but it will still help.
  5. Studio is really tiny, so there really is no “other side” to speak of. We will be in each other’s way the whole time. Not really anything we can do about that. Putting on headphones is I guess the best I will have, but I don’t really see it helping if she’s crying or visibly distraught and/or wanting to talk to me more. If I have no other option, I will deal with it, what else can I do? But I don’t see it ending in anything other than two days of both emotional and organizational mess. I’m thinking of taking this apartment I’ve mentioned above for the move-out weekend. Afterwards, I’m going to stay with family for a week or two and figure out what’s next. I have some ideas, but one step at a time.
  6. Right. So by comparison, I'm in one of the least affected developed countries, and inside that country, one of the least affected provinces. Which, means there are less cases here in total, than you have daily (according to your number). We still take it seriously, and follow protocol, although I feel like we do it mostly out of solidarity with more affected regions (one rulebook for all) rather than due to any serious threat. Nationally, everything is slowly opening up, hotels (& airbnb) have already been in operation for quite some time. So, not normal times indeed. But, not the same everywhere. Sorry for the off-topic. PS. Just looked it up, seems like Ontario got hit heavily by this, and I am very sorry to hear that. I have some friends in the US, and I am very worried about their well being.
  7. Ok, I acknowledge your health-related concerns. However, what I would like people's opinion on is if this is acceptable in general (not in relation to current events). Also, regarding COVID, please keep in mind that the situation in your country/region may be drastically different from what we are experiencing here.
  8. Ok I see your point, but would a completely private, luxury apartment located 5 min walk from our flat not count as safe? I wouldn't be asking her to stay at a motel or take a public bus across town.
  9. Soon I will be ending a 5-year relationship… we live together, and I don’t know what’s the best way to go about it. First time I’m doing this. I will offer to move out of our shared flat, and I am almost certain that she will accept this arrangement (although I will give her the option to move out herself, if that’s what she prefers). Problem #1 is that we live in a tiny, tiny studio – no practical way to give each other space following “the breakup talk” and with COVID around, no reasonable alternative to create space either (not even a coffee shop or library) I am the type of a person who needs a lot of peace and quiet when packing, even for a 2-week vacation. Moving out will obviously be a lot more complicated packing project than that. I don’t see how I can accomplish anything with her around, with both of us emotional and her possibly furious. Given this dilemma, I was wondering if it would be acceptable to ask my partner to either stay with someone from work or move into a nearby Airbnb apartment for two days (weekend). I think I can pack my stuff and move out in less than 48h. If she refuses, I could still move to this Airbnb apartment myself – however, that doesn’t solve the packing problem. Also there’s Problem #2, concern for my property. Over the years she made many threats regarding my possessions. While I would like to believe she would never act on these threats, I cannot exactly rule it out 100%. So, as embarrassing as this is to admit, I am actually slightly concerned about my stuff (electronics, books, sentimental items, clothes, etc). I don’t want to find them gone/damaged when I return to pack... and I can't gather everything valuable quickly either. What to do? [EDIT] Worth noting, we both work from home. So, neither one of us is out much during the day.
  10. I guess for me the complicated part is leaving my entire life behind – and that includes giving up on a lot that's actually pretty great. I know leaving is the right choice for us in the long-term, but I dread the immediate consequences. It's the anticipation of loss I'm feeling (including losing her love and companionship as well as the place I call home). Maybe that makes me a "coward" or "weak," but it is what it is.
  11. I think you are right. Breaking up is not a bargaining chip. This wasn't my intention last time I was ready to leave, but now that I look back on it, that's exactly what it ended up being. This time I'll keep that in mind.
  12. In general I tend to be a very hopeful person when it comes to personal change. I'm a strong believer in personal growth. I'm always trying to change (for the better). That's just how I'm wired. I think that character trait, along with my desire to somehow make our relationship function, led me to be far too hopeful about the possibility of her changing. You cold say I was blinded by it. Worse yet, I realized my hope was not only naive but also quite condescending. Maybe she doesn't want to change. Maybe she doesn't need to change (for my benefit). Short answer: I don't think she will change. But I would very much like to believe it :(
  13. I worry that as soon as we get to that point, she will say what I want to hear, and promise what she feels will convince me to stay. Promises she will likely not keep (at least, that’s where we were before after I was close to leaving). What do you think I should do in that case? I’m sure I will be tempted to trust her, despite our history, only to avoid pressing that red button. Thank you for writing all of this out, it’s really reassuring. I guess step one is simply accepting what’s ahead, even if the outlook is bleak.
  14. We are both fortunate in that finances are not an issue for either one. As for my emotional state, while this is a real concern for me, I feel it's not a morally acceptable reason to hold onto her... especially, now that I have pretty much arrived at a decision. To be clear, that's not really our issue. We both do not want kids (her being the far more adamant one). We both want to eventually get married. Our problem is that I am unable to commit given our fundamental differences, she is also aware of this. This created an impasse, we could never find a way to square that circle. Definitely will do my best not to do any finger pointing. I'm hoping that I can find a way to end it gently – with love and respect I have for her, despite our differences.
  15. Yes, we have. But predictably it didn't break any new ground. We had many similar conversations over the years. Perhaps only new addition was some of the stuff I learned about myself here on enotalone. I was also more direct. I said that: "I feel that my boundaries are not being respected. While I do my best to respect your boundaries, as agreed by both of us, the boundaries I ask for are never upheld for long." I also admitted that this is ultimately my fault (establishing this pattern), because I willingly tolerated my boundaries being broken, as there were no real consequences.
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