Hello everyone, I need a different POV from people I don’t know because I feel I'm getting biased answers from my two friends.
I (F17) dated a girl (F18) (Long distance relationship) for 6 months, but we clicked immediately and our relationship was perfect. We were in a healthy relationship.
I suffer from PTSD, chronic depression, and a little bit of BPD so I'm a bit messed up, but I told her since the beginning and she was always supportive about it and said she didn't mind and she would always do everything to make me feel better.
However, one day, without any warning, she said she couldn’t be with me anymore because I was interfering with (quote) "the good things in her life" and my mental illness was getting to her and she didn't feel the same love for me. I was in shock, since the day before we were perfectly fine. (This was like 8 months ago)
She was the only good thing in my life by the time since I was having a hard time with my family, education, my relationships and money; so obviously, I felt my life ended that day. I broke my phone, isolated myself from everyone, and I lived a miserable life in my house, rotting; and immediately considered to end my life.
I sent her a suicide note 2 months after, since deep inside I still loved her. I told her that I appreciated her because she was a great part of my life and that I loved her.I tried to kill myself by overdosing that night but I got caught by my family and they stopped me.
6 months later after the attempted suicide, she contacted me after a friend told me that I was survived. I fixed my phone, and I realised she answered my suicide by saying:“That’s sad, but I accept your decision. I hope you didn’t do it but I hope you’re happy.”
She then contacted me and she seemed angry by saying “You led me to believe you were dead for months.”
I told her I attempted suicide but I got stopped but I was basically braindead for months. I told her it was unbelievable how she didn’t even try to stop me when I told her about my suicide, and she said “What was I supposed to do? It was your decision and you were going to be better off death. You ruined my mental health.”
A friend texted her and she is saying that I “manipulated her, and guilted her into being in a relationship, and she ed me up by acting and faking my death. She also worsened my mental health.” Then kept telling her fake things about me and saying our relationship was nothing but toxic, and that I ruined her life with my depression and that I manipulated her”(Note: She never told me she had any mental illness other than anxiety. When she texted me for the last time she said she has bad abandonment and trust issues, depression, and some others. )
Our relationship: I gave her everything I had since she was the only good thing I had in my life in those terrible times. I would take care of her all the time when she had breakdowns, I bought her gifts all the time, I sent her letters every month, I was faithful and I would text her everyday telling her how much I loved her and I appreciated her. I also befriended her best friends (who are not the best people but I did it for her) and I’m really bad with people but I did it for her.
From her side, she always made up excuses to not call me, told me she would send me things but never did, always seemed like she didn't try at all in the relationship. She barely told me she loved me and I had to ask her for validation because many times I felt she didn’t like me anymore, but she said she is just bad with emotions. She was never interested in my friends or my work, She said she was always busy with school (or sometimes never even told my why she was busy) when all she did was sleep all day and smoke weed with her friends. I never got mad at this because I believed her, and it was hard being in a LDR so...
She was loving many times yes and she did make me feel better, thats why I defend her so much to the point if saying “maybe she wants me dead because she loves me and wants me to be happy” and well I think it faded away when she realised how I really am...
The only toxic things I ever did that and I will admit, was that I was really rude to one of her friends but I was defending her because she was talking behind my exes back, but she kept saying it was “her issue and I was demonising her friends when they’re innocent”I also had really bad breakdowns sometimes and would tell her like “youre going to leave me... you dont like me...” and would say that I was really suicidal and I admit that is a big manipulative, but I NEVER said I was going to kill myself, and forced her to talk me out of suicide, and I stand by my word of that.
Yesterday, in a violent breakdown and anger tantrum, I texted her and told her how I felt; that she was terrible for spreading lies about me when I was nothing but loving to her, that she thinks I “acted my suicide” and how abhorrent it was for her to just say “if youre happier dead then go on.” I told her I was going to kill myself again and I impulsively told her she ruined my life by basically faking our whole relationship and using me.
And she replied “ok”.
When I thought my life couldn’t get any worse, the person I loved the most in my life, now told me that it was ok for me to kill myself. My two only friends had to talk me out of suicide yesterday.
They kept saying that she’s a terrible person for accepting the fact that I was going to kill myself and not stopping that I she lied the whole time, and that she used me.
But I cant help but blame myself. I keep seeing her as this perfect person because she seemed like at one point she truly liked me and that maybe I was too depressed and she couldn't handle me anymore. I blame myself for not telling her more than I already did that I loved her...
TLDR; I sent my ex a suicide letter and she said that she was fine with me killing myself, and then after I survived, realised she's been talking about how abusive I was and that I ruined her life with my mental illnesses after I did nothing but love her and give her everything I literally had. I have also realised that maybe she was using me all these time, but I dont know... that's why I'm asking here.
So I ask, Is it my fault? Is it my fault she left me? Was I manipulating her unconsciously with my mental illnesses? Is she bad for not caring I’m dead? Did I pressure her? What did I do wrong? Should I feel guilty? Or is she the bad one as my friends say?
I tried to be as neutral as possible, not making my ex seem like the devil and not making me look like an angel since I did bad things too. But I’m really desperate since I’m suicidal about this...
This has ruined my life and permanently scarred me in unimaginable ways. I cant live with this burden anymore. I need help from anyone...
And please don't make fun of me for it being a LDR and us being young and lasting so little. The damage is done and I've tried to kill myself over it. Just be nice please. I just need to know if I was wrong or if my ex was wrong. I dont care if I need to "heal and move on." Or tell me that I need professional help. That's not what I'm asking. I just need a third person POV.
Thank you in advance.