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JoHarvelle

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  1. Hollyj, Adrina, Catfeeder, BlueCastle, Wiseman, Cherylyn and No1, thank you all for your great advice. I'll keep reminding myself that there's no point in self-blame and everybody makes mistakes and I'm allowed to do so too and I'll just try to learn from them. Thank you guys.
  2. I didn't talk much before the breakup so they liked him but they want his head on a silver plate after the breakup
  3. You are right. This boils down to me and my issues with self-attack not him anymore I guess. I've gotten better and these thoughts occur to me less often but they still do and I don't know if I should be doing something to stop them.
  4. The thing is for example I would get upset if he was more than 5 minutes late. I mean I had told him that I would be okay with him being late even for an hour if only he called me to let me know that he was going to run late and I thanked him when he did so but he would sometimes forget. Or we would only spend once or twice a week together so I expected him to tell the people who called him on the phone to call him later unless it wasn't an emergency and that's also what I did. We had many fights over these few minutes of being late or speaking on the phone because I felt like he didn't care a
  5. He broke up with me over a year ago but we were in contact for a long time after it and we even got back together for a short time a few months after the initial break up. 6 months before he got married he asked me to come over to his place but I didn't.
  6. The thing is I doubt my own narrative. Sometimes I doubt whether I focus on his flaws and try to represent myself as blameless but I have made mistakes too. I have overreacted at times and have started fights. I am seeking counselling. I have made a lot of progress in my work life. I have a lot of good friends. This part, I have no idea why I can't get over.
  7. I know he made a lot of mistakes and some of them were over the line but I've had my fair share of mistakes too. I overreacted, acted insecure and in a way I had never acted before. I can't draw the line and tell whether I was too demanding and insecure all on my own or whether he was not putting enough effort into the relationship which led to my insecurity and sometimes the wrong things that I had done just flash before my eyes. He blamed me for pretty much everything after he broke up with me and now that he's married I keep thinking maybe I was the problem and that he was right. Do yo
  8. Thank you Andrina and Cynder. I'll try to stay away from social media as much as possible. That's one of the triggers I should be avoiding.
  9. He says I have the self-sacrifice schema and he the entitlement which makes us unhealthily drawn to each other and that because of my father I can be attracted to emotionally unavailable people if I'm not careful. He also told me I tend to self-blame a lot. That's where I struggle the most. That's what I do right now. I know that I'm obsessing over things that I shouldn't and that's what my boyfriend accused me of which makes me feel like I was the one who ruined the relationship. I didn't obsess over things before him but I can't blame it all on him since he's gone now but I'm still obsessing
  10. I guess you're right. Well, he says he has many narcissistic tendencies and that he has gaslighted me many times but he says gaslighting doesn't work on just anyone and you gotta have some self-esteem issues to be a victim of gaslighting. He says people like him go back to previous relationships when their current one turns sour since they fail to remember the negative points of the prior relationship. He believes he has intimacy issues and that I should be on the lookout since he might contact me months or years from now whether he's still married or divorced.
  11. No, I'm not going to interfere in anyway, of course I wouldn't do that and I haven't. I haven't texted him in 5 months after I found out about her. I wouldn't wanna be responsible for ruining their marriage. I'm just taking this a little bit personally since he blamed me for almost everything and the fact the he might be able to make this marriage work makes me feel like he might have been right. He wasn't willing to go to therapy or work on his issues when he was with me even though I asked him to and even when I told him that I was in therapy to work on my issues he told me that he doesn't b
  12. I'm not sure if I understood correctly. Did you marry your ex six months after your LTR was over? I know this is not the right question to ask but then their marriage can also work, right? Can it be the case that it didn't work with me because we were not the right people for each other and he treated me that way because I wasn't who he actually loved? Or is it that this guy can't make it work with anyone?
  13. Wiseman2 and MissCanuck, you are right. I'm in therapy and I've made a lot of progress. A few guys have asked me out and I have said no to all them since I was able to identify some red flags instantly. I'd rather be alone than with the wrong person. Mental health is one of the most important criteria for choosing a partner for me now, but I still have a hard time letting go of the past. I am trying to keep myself busy and be more productive but this whole pandemic thing has been kind of a setback.
  14. Hello everyone! I don't know if you remember me... I'm just gonna give a quick summary of everything that's happened so far. If you already remember the story feel free to skip ahead to the last few paragraphs and sorry it's sooo long. So we were classmates back in college since the year 2012. I always liked him but never let him know. Back in 2014 he started dating this girl and he was REALLY into her. They were about 22 back then. She was his first real girlfriend. They dated for a total of nine months and about 3 months of their time together she got a scholarship to Italy so it was kind
  15. That's exactly what my therapist says, that he has narcissistic tendencies. Of course, I was far from perfect myself. I even walked away and threatened to break up when I didn't have the strength to do so and I came back myself and I threw a lot of tantrums. I feel really embarrassed when I think about it. But I'm trying to learn to forgive myself and keep reminding myself that this was not my normal behavior but a response to being neglected and that my biggest mistake was not walking away and staying away.
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