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Hurt Man

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Apprentice (3/14)

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  1. “ Accept that she is trying to erase you from her life” Lost, You have hit the nail on the head I guess, that is exactly what she is doing. I cannot bring myself to hate her, no matter how much hurt & pain she has caused me by doing this. I also had the doctors again today & I have now been prescribed antidepressants, which I do not really want to start taking (Prozac), as I have never ever needed anything like that to deal with things in my life, however, I am not coping well with things at all at the moment & I had a breakdown yesterday. I know that this is a relationship forum & not a medical one & I apologise, but I just need to let people on here know that this is the most painful, hurtful thing that I have ever experienced in my life. I sent email my ex again yesterday, regarding FaceTime contact with my boy & again, it was totally ignored. This is what caused me the breakdown afterwards & I realised then that I was sinking further & further than I thought I was originally. I keep telling myself that I WILL see my baby boy again at some point in the future, but the future is a long way off at the moment. Sorry for going on, I will try to keep myself afloat & not sink under the water but it’s hurting me properly bad now. Hurt Man.
  2. I know Wiseman, it just seems like that it is a long way away at the moment. But you are right, hang in there, it’s all I can do at the moment. Thank you.
  3. Remember that saying "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me" You are right Lost, I need to keep this in my head.
  4. I will try my best to take care of my health Wiseman, it’s my head that is a mess & as Lost said, I have to stop hoping for things to change on my ex’s behalf. I have to wait for the lawyers letter to her to see what happens next, but there is nothing to stop her just ignoring that also. However, I hope that she doesn’t, I have not physically seen in person & held & cuddled my boy since February & that is a horrible thing to feel. I just need to get my head together & face up to it, she is not going to come round to anything now & I need to tell myself to accept that. Thank you for your words Wiseman, I appreciate it.
  5. I understand what you are saying Lost, & You are correct, I just keep hoping that she will perhaps come round despite everything that she has done. It’s my fault I know, but despite everything, I find it hard to feel hate towards her like most people in my situation would, I am not like that & that’s my problem I guess. I do have to separate my feelings & emotions I feel towards her, as I did not plan to be feeling the way I feel now, I was not depressed or suffering from anxiety just 3 months ago & didn’t ever think that I would. Yet here we are. I do see some light at the end of the tunnel regarding my baby boy & seeing him again, that is a positive definitely, I just need to wait until the lawyer has written to her & wait on the next step going forward, she might just ignore the lawyers letter also, I hope not though. It’s just my feelings towards my ex fiancée that I am struggling with & that is tough for me. You’re advice is something that I need to read over & over to get it through my head. I appreciate your words Lost, you are a sensible person, I just need to try act upon them. Thank you.
  6. I thought I would update on things. My ex has not replied to my email I sent 2 days ago regarding contact/FaceTime with my son. Just completely ignored again. This has set me back again, I am very very upset & hurt that she is doing this, it’s like I don’t exist to her anymore. I have spoken with a good lawyer & he is going to write to her regarding our baby boy & contact & take things from there. I also had the doctors & have been diagnosed with depression & anxiety. I have been recommended for therapy & if that doesn’t help, medication instead. I don’t know if there is anyway out of how I am feeling now, the glimmer of light at the tunnel I had is now well & truly gone. I feel so low, my family have tried to pick me up, but I cannot snap out of it. This is the most hurtful, horrible thing I have ever experienced in my life. I am not a bad person & certainly would not have treated her the way she has treated me. Sorry that it’s not a happy update, I did have some hope that it would be, but, that has been completely crushed now.
  7. Thank you Wiseman, that is exactly what I will say in the email tomorrow, tell her that I would like to make it at regular days & times that are convenient for her also. I also have not & will not mention her new guy, as that could cause trouble & I am aware of that & don’t want to do so. I am still deeply deeply hurting from this all, this morning I woke up @ 5:45am & could not get back to sleep at all, I think it’s possibly caused by the stress and anxiety of the last couple of months, as it’s been crazy the last 4-5 weeks, waking up at irregular times in the early hours of the morning, delayed shock perhaps, I don’t know but I will tell the doctor when I speak/see them at the end of this week. I just wish that there was a way to immediately take away the pain & all the thoughts running around in my head. She seems to have moved on, no worries at all, doesn’t care about me & yet I am like this?? It’s driving me crazy, but in a horrible way. Thank you all for listening to me & the advice. I will update when I have news tomorrow (if she gets back to me)
  8. At the moment, the whole country is under lockdown, the government advice is “not to mix with anyone from another household, only family” (people you stay with) So, yes, everyone is under quarantine/isolating at the moment. She had been totally ignoring me until Sunday, as in nothing at all since we broke up, so she has been withholding contact. As for the couple of day’s since...I waited for her to call me today, as she said she would &....she didn’t. Now, I will email her tomorrow to ask her to call me then, so that I can see & speak to my boy again. I waited today because she said that she would call me, so benefit of the doubt on my behalf. Thank you Sherry, yes it was definitely emotional when I seen him, I was trying my best to stay on top of my emotions, as if I hadn’t, I would have cried, & it was hard to stop that emotion. I also booked an appointment with my GP today, but it is not until the end of this week. I looked into lawyers today also, I will speak to a couple of them tomorrow & see what they say & move it forward. I do want it to be regular calls, I told her that on Sunday, she said she would call me in a couple of days & today.....she didn’t. So I will email her tomorrow & hopefully I will get to see/speak to him again tomorrow. I don’t want a war of any kind with her, I genuinely did think that we would have been amicable for our little boy, yet as you know, it has been anything but since we broke up, which hurts me a lot as it was not an acrimonious break up. Thank you for the words & advice Lost I appreciate that. As do I all the other words & advice & support. I do need to get it through my head that she definitely does not love & care about me or my feelings anymore, that is painful to accept, as 5 years of a relationship is hard to just forget & switch off from, but she appears to have done it very easily & I have not. As for not getting frustrated about things that I have no control over, my mum told me the same thing, she said “you cannot control anything that is out-with your control” & again, as much as it hurts to admit that, you are both correct. As for my feelings for her, they most definitely do not just switch off like a light switch, that’s what I cannot understand, she appears to have done exactly that, yet I have not & I try to, especially after the way that she has treated me since we broke up, yet I do still love her a lot. It’s crazy & hurts. I am ok considering I guess Sherry, thank you for your concern. Hopefully she will call me tomorrow when I email her, again, it will be strictly about our baby boy, nothing to cause trouble as that is the last thing that I want. Again, to everyone, thank you all so much for all your advice, understanding, support & words, I have a lot to get my head around going forward, but I do have to accept it, I have tried my best to sort thing’s & she doesn’t want to fix things between us now. So, I have got to be focused on my baby boy, that I will do, even if it’s tearing me up inside when I see/speak to her, brave face on.
  9. Hi Wiseman, I have not mentioned her new bf to her at all, I think I didn’t make that clear in my post on here yesterday, My fault there. That was me saying that she is obviously too busy with her new bf (not to her, or part of the original email), I should have worded that better. Apologies. I emailed her again this morning regarding our boy, Again, I kept it strictly about our boy only again & contact/seeing him on FaceTime, with no mention of her new guy whatsoever. I have never mentioned anything about him to her at all. Well, about 2 hours ago, I got a FaceTime call from her, & I finally, finally got to see my boy, it was hard to keep on top of my emotions when I saw him, but I managed to do so. He was all smiles & it melted me inside. I spoke to him for 10 minutes or so, then asked her could we at least make this every 2 days, as seeing him & him knowing who I am & maintaining that is very important to me, & surprisingly, she actually spoke to me & she agreed & before the end of the call, she said that she would call me again in a couple of days. I also asked her how he has been getting on, as the first 3 years of a baby’s development are critical & important. She told me that he has been good & is obviously coming on & developing as he should be, but yes, that is a bit of weight off of my shoulders, it’s not ideal in that I cannot actually get him at the moment,due to this virus lockdown, but was good to see him again & it was good to see that he was happy to see me & does still remember me. It was also good to be able to speak to her, even if it was just about our boy. I will see what happens in the next couple of days & fingers crossed, she keeps her word. I am still going to go see my GP & look up a Lawyer though, as she may just change again in the next couple of days. But so far, it’s a small step forward & hopefully upwards.
  10. Thank you Blue & Sherry. I have sent another email asking if it is possible to FaceTime me today to see my boy. Again, this was a cordial message. I hope that she does, but on the same coin, I don’t hold out much hope either because of the way she has been towards me. But, I will wait & see & update later on.
  11. I have not today, I am being ignored clearly now. I will try again tomorrow, as it’s Easter Sunday, but I am now not holding on to any hope of her responding. I told her yesterday in the email that it should be 50/50 contact & co-parenting regarding him & that I thought & expected that we would still be amicable about our boy. But, she is too engrossed in her new guy, he has practically moved into the house with her & I am not anywhere on her list of priorities any more, that’s quite obvious.
  12. Thank you Sherry, I understand what you are saying, I don’t want to feel like this forever, it just feels like it will, there is no light at the end of the tunnel just now. It is also not helped by the massive hole in me that has been left by her, compounded by her totally & utterly ignoring me & to top it all off, me not seeing my baby boy, that really does cut me deep. If I was a nasty person, then I would understand why things are the way they are, but I am not & I don’t understand why she is being like this, although the poster on here (Lost) explained it well when they said, imagine if it was me who betrayed a friend/brother/sister, would I want to face them? I get that, but she could at least have the decency to acknowledge me regarding our baby boy. I have been with him from the day he was born & then this?? That really really hurts me. I am missing the most important stages of his life right now, his development etc. I feel like I am the bad one in all of this, I have lost everything that I held dear in my life, unexpectedly & yet she is just carrying on regardless, new guy, my son & not caring whatsoever about me or the 5 years we were together, I feel like a total loser, especially at my age, it’s hard to accept that. Yet I know that I have to. Thank you bluecastle, I don’t want to be how I am felling at the moment for months, yet that has been just a shade over 2 months since this happened & I still cannot shake it off, some days, like yesterday are really bad, I couldn’t even be happy yesterday, even though I try to be, my mind was going over & over everything & I just want it to stop, yet I can’t switch it off no matter what I do. If I was getting contact with my baby boy, that would ease things a bit, however, being totally ignored by her is a horrible feeling & this hurts me. I am going to focus on my boy, that I have to, that I know, but it won’t make the hurt & pain & confusion of the breakup & the betrayal go away. I am feeling so down & sad that this has happened. As said, 3 months ago, I was flying high, with everything to look forward to & now, kicked to the kerb like I was nothing, I am broken. I have to call my GP on Tuesday also, I genuinely do believe that I am borderline/if not already depressed & the anxiety that I have since this happened is unreal, I am scared to go outside the house because there is a good chance that our paths will cross & because she has been totally ignoring me, that makes it feel even worse. I feel silly saying this, but that is how I feel & it’s horrible. I never once even thought about or looked at another woman in the entire time that we were together & this is what she did to me in the end, it seriously kills me. I had hoped that she would have at least replied to my email yesterday or even a FaceTime call to let me see & talk to my boy, yet she didn’t even do that. I am sorry for going on, it’s just my family & friends, as good & supportive as they are, just don’t understand exactly how I am feeling & in how much pain, as they have never been through this horrible thing before.
  13. Thanks for your words, I never ever thought that she would do anything like this & also treat me like this. I know that not all women would do that, I just never expected her to do such a thing, I honestly thought that we were good. It also doesn’t help that she stays at the other end of the street, so I cannot avoid seeing her new guy at the house. & I cannot believe that just 3 months ago, I was still there with her & our boy. I definitely do not feel like I want to get involved with anyone else in future, I am 40 years old now, that hurts me that I am in this situation at my age. & also, when I look at the pictures & videos of my boy, that just makes me cry. I miss her & him, yet I know that I should despise her for what she has done & the way she has been since, but I find it hard to do that for some reason. As for this lockdown, it’s hard because I cannot do anything to try take my mind off of the situation, like go swimming, or even just go to the gym, visit my friends etc, It’s horrible. I will get through this, it’s just hard, very very hard. & yes, my sleep is shot, I cannot just sleep for a decent amount of time, yet prior to this happening, I had no problem getting to sleep & staying asleep.
  14. I do have yes, my parents & family can’t really say anything more about it than what they have already said, my friends are also the same, they all have been & are supportive, but they are more than likely getting fed up listening to the same thing’s, so I didn’t bother them yesterday, I just had a cry on my own upstairs. Sorry, I don’t mean to go on, I am just up & down emotionally & it hurts me a lot, even trying not to think about it all, I cannot switch off from it. My life has fallen to pieces, 2020 has been a rubbish year this far. What also gets to me is, I was a happy go lucky guy up until this happened, not a care in the world & now, that’s just a distant memory.
  15. Well, it’s more or less been 24 hours since I emailed her & she has not bothered to reply back. This is hurting me a lot, I had a rubbish day yesterday with my feelings in general & I was upset about my boy, I am missing the little guy so much. I didn’t think that she would reply I guess, but part of me hoped that she would. I just need to try get through this weekend, which is not easy when this lockdown situation is happening, being alone with your thoughts 24/7 is definitely not a good thing. Thank you everyone.
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