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Dear N* I guess this is my way of talking to you without talking to you. It was recommended that I write, because it helps with the emotions. So here i am. I miss you. More than anything. I miss you. I miss everything. Your face, your smell, your hugs, your laugh, your kisses, your warmth, your smile. I wish I could be in your arms. My home. My favourite place. I love you. You broke my heart but I still love you. I always will. Always. You're my best friend. You're my soulmate. I sit here, wondering what you've been up to. What are you doing. What are you thinking. How are you. Are you ok. Are you happier. Do you still think of me? I'm scared you may have forgotten about us already. I dream about you every night. They're mostly nightmares. Ones of you leaving, and I'm running. Always running. Trying to get to you as fast as I can before you disappear and gone forever. Then I wake up in an absolute panic, crying. But it's not a dream, because it's real. You are gone. Last night, I dreamt you were sitting in a restaurant we went to, and I walked past and saw you through the window, and you looked like as if you were waiting. Waiting for me. And I ran in, and you looked up at me and we ran to each other and hugged. It felt so real. I felt like you were really there. I woke up, crying again. Because that it wasn't real. I haven't slept in my room for three weeks, since the night you left me. I've been sleeping with my mom. I've kicked my dad to the guest room! Because my bedroom reminds me of you. Its where you slept, you've touched everything. All the memories, the magic. where we kissed, made love, talked and watched tv. I can't bear to be in that room. It reminds me too much of what was. I spent the first week hugging your tshirt. But it was bringing me too much pain. I've done a lot of self reflection during this time apart. A lot. Reflected on me, on you, on our relationship. What I did wrong. What can I improve. I'm sorry N* I'm sorry you were screaming to be heard and I was too selfish to hear. I didn't realise the impact our arguing had on your mental health, I didn't realise i was being absolutely ridiculous over such small things. Picking arguments over things that didn't even require it. So stupid. I put you under so much stress. I made you so upset. i ed up a lot. I wish I could take it back. I wish I didn't act on my emotions. I wish I went to other people too, instead of relying on you. I was too dependent on you for my own happiness. I made you my whole world, and because of that you suffered, we suffered. I needed you, too much. I should have shared my happiness. I should have spread it out. I should have made it so that you added to my happiness, not the reason for it. I know that now - although it may be too late now. I'm learning now though. I always try to learn from my mistakes. After you left me, I reconnected with people i knew from long ago, I've made some new friends (all be it online, but new friends!), I spend time with every single member of my family, to help drown out this sadness, but I am filling my time. I am cooking, learning anyways. I am reading, new books, self care books, motivational books - you name it. I am back to going to therapy weekly. I've drowned myself in work. Working hard. I've gone off social media, no snapchat and no instagram, to be alone with my thoughts, to find myself, to be present and learn to be alone. Slowly but surely, trying to find myself back again. Finding new hobbies, and bringing back old hobbies. I used to have a passion for fashion, and I'm rediscovering it. It should have been something that I kept doing whilst we were together. I don't know what happened there... I'm disappointed. In myself. I wish I had sorted out my mental health before I had met you, then it wouldn't have led us here. Or I wish I got off my ass and sorted it out in a healthier way when we were together. I guess i got complacent, thinking it'd just go away on its own. But thats proven to be wrong. ...Man, I was wrong for the most of it. My trust issues - I take full responsibility for. I should have trusted you when you told me to. I should have listened. I have trust issues. I know that for a fact. I was insecure. Scared I wasn't good enough, scared I'd lose you for someone better. You told me I was good enough, but I didn't believe it. Because I didn't believe in myself. But I'm getting there. I'm disappointed in myself because I failed. I failed you, I failed myself. I failed us. I let this get in between us. It took losing you to realise it. Funny that. It never should have gotten to this point, but it did. Maybe things happen for a reason ey? Maybe life needed to slap my stubborn self in the ass. It's a huge lesson. A lesson I'll carry with me always. I now know, to love myself. Enough so that if anyone leaves me, it's ok because i have will and can pick myself up. I know to keep my hobbies, and some things in my life separate. So that we can be independent people that come together for good times. I don't want to be that S* anymore. She isn't who I really am. The real me, she was sarcastic, almost to the point where she was mean. She loved fashion, music, skateboarding, dancing in her room when no ones watching. She loved watching Netflix, going out to eat, laughing, doing new and trying new things. She was strong, furiously opinionated, to the point where she didn't give a , what anyone thought. She was adventurous, with so many ambitions. She wants to travel the world, make money and build an empire. She loves learning. A total geek. And I'm slowly going to get her back. As for us? Of course I have hope for us, can you blame me? I still want us. I still want you. Flaws and all. I still want you. For now, I can accept you want space and time. To figure yourself out, to find your freedom, to do things you enjoy. To find you. I respect and love you so I can give and do that for you, as much as it hurts me to see you there but I can't reach out to you. It ing hurts. Because I miss you. But I want to bury our old relationship. The bad part of it especially. I accept it's over now. It's dead and gone. But I hope for a new one. A fresh one. With more and many of the good times, and much less of the bad times. An improved and new me. An improved and new you. I'm a real meanie to people, but a huge softie for you. You broke down a lot of my walls, the walls i built to keep people out because I was scared to get hurt. I was scared to feel pain. So I shut people out. I refused to talk about my pain before, I didn't think anyone would understand, and a little part of me didn't want them to understand. Because it's sacred to me that I hide my weakness, so it can never be used against me. But you know what, i embrace this pain. Because of this pain, theres room for growth. The more I experience the pain, time and time again, I realised it was me who picked myself up. It was me who helped myself. It was me. And I'm stronger than I thought. I have a huge soft spot for you, that's why I don't have a lot of pride, or ego when it comes to us and why i am for the first time so able to speak my mind, my thoughts and feelings and put it into words. I am able accept all my faults and accept all my mistakes. Words are no good though, only actions are. So I won't talk about how well I am going to do, thats for everyone to see. Thats for you to see. I love us. Our connection. Meeting you in mile end station, our first hug. Our first date. Playing Jenga, eating Wasabi. Teasing each other. Cosey/Cosy Cinema. Holding hands for the first time and it feeling so right. Leaning on your arm. Sitting and talking, for hours and hours, never running out of things to talk about. Talking every day, texting, calling every night. Kissing, and always kissing. Can't get enough of each other. Sneaking you into my house, running upstairs to kiss. Like young crazy kids in love. Sitting on your lap, grinding and hearing you say "dead rabbits dead rabbits". Laughing, always always laughing. The kiss in the kitchen, oh god that kiss. When I was going to leave, and you pulled me back, closed the door and kissed me so hard.
Wanting to see each other, counting down the days, the minutes. Making love for the first time. The moment you opened that hotel door. The first kiss after ages, my heart wanted to burst. You inside me. Felt like my missing puzzle piece. Making love - oh god the making love. Every day, all the time. Getting your first car. Our drives. Driving in the day, driving in the night. Blasting music with you singing terribly. Me laughing. Harrow Viewpoint. Staring at the lights and the stars with you by my side. Valentines day. Woburn Safari. Our long road trip, you surprising me, keeping it a secret. Feeding alpacas. Studying together, sitting side by side. Supporting and motivating each other. You pushing me, me pushing you. Looking for jobs, to getting a job. Wiping each others tears. Frustrated at each other, frustrated with life, frustrated with things. Topgolf, swinging as hard as we can to vent our anger. Cheering when we score points. My 23rd birthday. You bringing a cake, we sat in the car, blew the candles. You singing Happy Birthday. I never knew I could love you more than I did, but I did. More and more each day. Our dates, trying new places, voting on them. Watching movies together, football. You teaching me cricket, football. Messing up the kitchen trying to be master chefs. Learning recipes together. When you started FDM. Cooking for you, greeting you when you came home. Waking up to you. Sleeping next to you. Hearing your soft snores. Feeling your sleepy arm wrap around me. Kissing you softly in the middle of the night. Murmuring I love yous and good mornings. Brushing our teeth together. Changing together. You kissing my shoulder. You kissing my feet. Making love every night. you kissing my body, every inch. You teasing me, to the point where i’d get annoyed but i loved it so much. The first time we argued. We couldn’t even sleep. The next day I came over, and we kissed and made up. We never wanted to feel like that ever again. Feeding each other food, fighting over the last piece. We both secretly wanted it but wanted to give it to each other instead. Making love everywhere. Living room, Stairs to the shower. Our showers, oh god how I miss them. Cleaning each other. Washing each others hair. Learning a new language together. Playing chess together. Talking on the phone every night, asking each other about our day. Watching you play football, cheering you on. Always proud of you watching you do things. Making milkshakes. Drinking Falooda. Eating brownies and cookie dough. Make up sex, I can’t get enough of you sex, tired sleepy sex. Express sex. Angry sex. Shut up and kiss me sex. I mis you sex. All of them. Feeling your skin against mine. Sweat dripping. Your breath. Moaning. I love Yous and You feel so good. All the queefs, your farts. Reading bed time stories. sending memes every day. Lying in bed and just enjoying each others silence. Playing with your hair, scratching your beard. Arguing, bickering. Two stubborn headed opinionated lovers. Your forehead kisses. Tickling you. Hearing you laugh so hard. Running around the house tickling. Hugging you from behind. Opening up to each other. Talking about our deepest secrets, our fears. Being so vulnerable. But feeling so safe to express them at the same time. Complaining about people to each other. Being each other's cheer leader. You're my einstein. I'm your marie curie. You being my teacher, me being yours. Being each other's bestest friend. My confidant. The only person I can speak my mind to without fearing any judgement. Falling asleep to the sound of each others breathing. I have loved everything. The highs. The lows. The good. The bad. Though, I wish there was less bad. Never have I fallen in love like this, and I doubt I'd find a love like this again. I don't know where life will take us from here. I have accepted that old relationship is over. Though I have hope for a positive future for us. I like to think, we are that couple that just needed a break up to realise what we had. To appreciate what we lost. Then come back stronger. As two new people and build a new relationship, different to the old one with new lessons learnt. One where we can feel free. One where we don't feel anxious. No insecurities. Only strength. But, that is for you to decide. Ultimately, it has to be whether you want us or not. Are we worth fighting for or not. Are you able to take the bad with the good. Do you have enough strength in you to be with me. Are the good things worth the bad things. Are we worth another shot? That is your decision and you can take however long you wish to decide. As much space and time is necessary. I won't rush you. Love is patience and love is kind. Whilst I work on myself, I'll also be waiting. I don't want anybody else. My heart belongs to you. But if your heart belongs somewhere else, thats okay too. And if you don't choose me. That is okay too. I can let you go. I will let you go. I just hope you come back to me in the end. "If you love something, set it free. if it comes back, it was and always will be yours. if it never returns, it was never yours to begin with," I love you N* with all my heart. Forever, and always. Infinity and beyond. You are the love of my life. S*