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About user0x24

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  1. I would tell her how I feel lonely and frustrated, and don't feel loved by her. I'm not sure it will "crush" her however. If it will cause some healthy emotional response and you both being ready to confront your issues, it's the best outcome that will signify that you don't have much underlying issues and you'll grow closer from it. I'm afraid though that she'll get defensive and either will try to blame you of things, or try to dismiss the issue altogether, or use any other cop-out strategy to avoid dealing with difficult emotions that arise from acknowledging the reality - not fr
  2. Well two things: 1. I think I can understand your demand for loyalty. I believe it makes you really value the relationship, if you know that it's the only relationship you and your partner would ever have. I believe it's a preference that people will have a strong and permanent preference about - it's not like a minor preference that is just brought about when it's relevant. So you can bring it up as early as you want and the person will be either horrified (I believe it to be far more often than not) or really excited (and then you likely found one another). The earlier you bring it t
  3. I got some thought that sort of makes my heart a bit easier. In my world, there should be no people who are caused hurt undeservingly. If she is hurt by me breaking me up with her, with no her bad intention, it was caused by my mistake. That means, by that I am making someone to take hurt for my mistake, which is wrong. To right this wrong, I should pay for my mistake. At least I can formulate why I feel it's wrong that makes sense to me. I don't know if all the pain I endured up to know can be counted as payment for the mistake, or should it include staying with her for as l
  4. . Actually, yes, it's a good point. I think I need to take this practical step and then see what happens. Maybe it will break the vicious cycle. Thanks.
  5. I mean where does it end? - very good question. I feel justified about leaving something when either this challenge is overcomed, or I decide it causes irreversible damage - something like "if it doesn't kill you it makes you stronger". The car obviously kills, and the hair - i can endure long hair, so it's not a problem to cut it. If long hair was inendurable for me, I would feel guilty cutting it, and would expect from myself to learn to endure it. I don't take medicine for cold, I just let it pass by itself, but I do take other medicine, because not taking it causes damage. How do we gro
  6. I like your thinking. I am able to declare some people "unworthy" - there was some swift relationship I got away from as fast as I can, but the person there was so completely out of my ability to cope with that I had no second thoughts. I think the only condition on the love I am ready to accept is inability to cope with the person without incurring irreversible psychological or physical damage. But here the person is seemingly within my ability to cope with, so the question stands. Actual problem is doing the wrong thing and selfishly hurting a person, and then living with this con
  7. You say you felt guilty. But can you be happy and guilty in the same time?
  8. In thins answer I meant "she" as the therapist, in reply to your question about what therapist is saying. But you're right that my partner is desperate and in the habit of buying time. I'm trying to understand what it is exactly that I "don't want" about the relationship, and how to mitigate this... As I said before, I had one significant relationship, and we had disagreements and arguments, and ultimately the ex decided to break up. The funny thing is that I came to conclusion that the ex was right about much of the issue, we just had bad communication. I the current relationship we
  9. Yes I moved in with her. Financially I'm not dependent on her in any way, we're both working and able to save up. I'm currently bearing most of the household expenses. Actually I'm begging her that we move out as I hate it here, but she is anxious about her mom, which is not independent, knows a little language and avoids doing things like using the ATM. We managed the mom to get to use the train last year, which was a win. It actually makes me angry wasting my time on infantile grown up people, but there, I'm trying to find a way to make things work. There was a year that I manag
  10. Yeah thanks :) No I didn't yet, I'll put it on my list. Maybe watch it together with her. I remember reading it and just having tears running... But then, I find myself hesitating. And I'm afraid that I commit and then end up hurting her and our (future) children (that will result from commitment) even more if I decide I'm too weak... Or succumb deeper to some neurosis like this anxiety thing... I just need to get done with this "split brain" attitude, it's killing me.
  11. She asks me questions and encourages me to analyze even more... She doesn't give "easy answers", she encourages me to look inside myself... She is very understanding and talking to her makes me feel relieved, but then, maybe she's just egging me on to keep the client... EDIT: The question is, I'm not sure "let's just make an experiment and see what happens" is appropriate to this situation, because it results in hurt for some other person. Isn't it playing with others feelings?
  12. Yes this is my narrative. I have a hunch that my mind needs to give up on treating "working hard on the relationship" as "misery" and learn to take satisfaction in the work, but the anxiety and frustration doesn't make it easy...
  13. I'll look up on that. Actually it makes sense. As I've been brought up, martyrdom was supposed to be a noble thing... Yes, when breaking up is giving up on a person who (thinks she) needs you asks for a second chance. I actually have a funny answer to that. I believe "liking" and "not liking" is a bit wrong reason to change things. About a city - I live in a place that is uncomfortable to me, it exasberates my anxiety. I feel that if I move to another city, this city "defeated" me. I will feel free to move when I work over my issues living here and do it from my own choice and no
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