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Everything posted by JCDallas

  1. Hey I actually missed this the other day, thank you for your post. I'm personally convinced it's almost definitely both OCD and Anxiety, but my therapist suggests that's what I want it to be, and the actual truth could be that there's a chance I'm bisexual and I'm trying to become okay with the idea of it.. Either way, whether it's OCD/Anxiety or actually truly bisexual, we're trying to become more okay with the fact it could be a real possibility, and that everything's on a specturm.. It's just been tough for myself to picture myself as a bisexual considering for 26 years I never once had a real life experience or reason to consider myself as anything other than straight, so that's why I'm almost certain it's OCD
  2. I know that I don't rush those things, hence why I've only had sex with one person lol, thanks though!
  3. But the thing is, i very much do desire to be sexual with women, I think about how much I want it all the time, I just really either don't know what I'm doing due to lack of experience or don't want to pressure the girl into doing things she doesn't want to, it has to be right for both of us, and I have only gotten to that point with a girl once and I didn't really know what I was doing so I didn't get to fully enjoy the experience the way i would have liked to.. The reason I dont have too much motivation to move out on my own right now is because I'm still pretty young, I mean I'm 26, I'm trying to save up as much money as I can while I can, and then move out when the time is right and I feel like I can make it and live comfortably, or at least close enough, I'm kinda close to that point but not quite there, plus with the lock down it's not like I can do a whole lot right now anyway.. My parents are just protective of me, because they care, though I agree sometimes maybe a little too protective at times, that's all.. I very much desire to be physical with a woman long term, I just dont have a ton of good experience and I dont want to hurt or pressure the woman, that's where I'm at with this..
  4. That's an interesting way to put it. I mean, overall, I'm fairly content with my life. Is it absolutely perfect? No. Not in the slightest. But I'm doing okay for myself. I have two jobs in the career I went to school for, and I'm working towards something bigger and better than both of those. I have a great set of friends I wouldn't change for the world and I love my family very much so. The only things I wish were different about myself were my confidence in myself in general, maybe if I had my own place by now, though it's okay that I don't, I'm still pretty young. if I had more long-term experience with women, and this constant self doubt was over, but other than that I'd say I'm very okay with how everything has turned out, there's some things that I wish were better though.
  5. Thank you for your replies, everyone, all of which are very helpful. I don't know why I'm afraid of the chance I could be bisexual. I guess because literally everyone around me isn't, they're either straight or they're gay, and no in between and almost everyone in my area is completely straight, I can count on just over two hands the people I know in real life who are gay, I don't avoid them or anything, one of my closest cousins is a married lesbian and I love her very much as a cousin, it doesn't change the way I think about her. I was always completely straight for my entire life, and all of a sudden a few thoughts randomly pop up in quarantine that stick with me, they feel real at times, but I strongly believe they are false attractions, though there are times where I think maybe I could be different than what i thought I was for 26 years, and living a lie to myself, my family, my friends, when I consider myself one of the most honest people there are, I almost never lie about anything, I tell the truth as often as I possibly can? But Like deep down I've never had a real true attraction to men in real life, and don't think about specific men the way I do girls, so it's just so confusing to me..I've wanted one thing for my entire life, since I was a teenager, this is all I've wanted, and I never really thought twice about it until recently, and that's a relationship with a girl that leads to marriage and hopefully kids, and the fear of maybe I'm lying to myself about the number one thing I want in life more than anything in the world isn't sitting well with me.
  6. Thanks for your reply. I definitely do have some nights where I have more than one dream, usually those I can remember 3 of the dreams.. But I don't remember every detail of all of them. Then there's times like that one I described above where it was just one long dream that felt like I was trying to watch a real life movie about what's going on in my head..
  7. Interesting, thanks for your reply. I mean, I talked to my mother about it like a day or two after it happened too, she knows what I've been going through. I guess maybe it was just a one time thing, and really the answer was anxiety and nothing more? I don't know, Ive just been doing a lot of soul searching lately
  8. That is true, I guess I just have a feeling this is trying to tell me something..
  9. Hey guys. I want to share a nightmare I had with you guys I had two weeks ago, I talked with my therapist about this, and I think the two of us are misunderstanding it. What do you guys think? I'd love some more opinions of this.. Some Backstory: I'm a 26 year old straight male from New Jersey. I've been suffering from HOCD, Anxiety, and Self Doubt about my sexuality for seemingly forever now, but very heavily over the last 2.5 months, it's all I think about. Okay so have any of you seen the Michael Myers Halloween Movies? The ones that are played every year on Halloween night, the guy with the mask? Well anyway, I had a nightmare about 2 weeks ago now that I'm still trying to figure out. So Michael Myers, the movie character, was in my dream, locked inside this heavily guarded room or door whatever you want to call it. He tries desperately to get out, and he does. The dream cuts to the real life version of me, who is not far from this, but also not close either, starting to worry and panic, and start running away far far away, like Jamie lee curtis in the movies. The dream then cuts back to michael myers character, who we assume (we dont see what happens, but we assume) he kills the people guarding the door, who were just random not real actual people, just made up) and he starts searching for his next victim, which I know is me because I'm the reason he was put in that room. Somehow, the character finds a knife in the dream, and does whatever he can to get to the real life version of me, attacking anyone in his way (you dont actually see any people get killed & the people in the dream are not based off anyone in real life but you know thats what happens because its like the movie) anyway somehow he walks by a mirror, and you see a reflection of the mask, and the person behind the mask. the person behind the mask is myself. So there's this insane version of myself that's been locked in a jail like room for so long, attacking people and people around me, that is after the real version of myself. Eventually, this character reaches me, I trip over and am cornered. I don't remember if in the dream the character version of myself takes off his mask or if I just knew it was myself, but anyway the character reaches me, offers his hand out like he's asking for help. I start to think if I take his hand I become him. I don't do anything and I wake up. My therapist and I originally thought this character represented the anxiety that's in me and not knowing how to deal with it or how to accept it.. I'm wondering now if it represents the homosexuality or bisexuality version of myself that I've been either ignoring, or keeping locked and hidden away for so long, and I feared if I took that hand to help the character, I'd become my worst nightmare and all my real hopes and dreams would be over? I don't know, it was the worst nightmare I've ever had. Its just I've never loved a guy, never had a crush on a guy, never did anything other than be friends with a guy, never did anything sexual around men, never thought of a specific man, never had any temptations to hook up with a guy in real life, I would admit if I did, but I'm 26 years old and it just would have happened.. I've just been doubting myself for awhile now, and it's been bad lately. I've had this character in my nightmares before, but we never see the face in any of the other nightmares, he was just threatening family but never actually got to them because we got away.. though I'm assuming I was him the entire time Is it strange that I want to have my worst nightmare of all time, again, to find out answers? I've been wanting this nightmare again for two weeks to find out more answers, but it never happens lol
  10. Thanks for your replies, everyone. So A lot has changed since my last post earlier this weekend.. I'm 98% sure I'm straight after this point, and there's maybe 2% chance I Could be bi. I'm now absolutely certain I am not gay, I now know that for a fact. I don't actually stare at men, I don't get crushes on men, I never thought about a certain guy in school or at work, I was always thinking about girls. I don't actually want to be physical with men, and I don't get turned on by men. This is not me denying it. It's the truth. When I was testing the waters over the weekend to see for sure, I matched with one guy on tinder who actually is bi over the weekend who is on the opposite end of my spectrum. I talked about these thoughts. He said one of the pre-reqs to being bi is you actually had to have a real crush on a guy before, and I simply have not, not one time, not even a little. Its not a denial, it's the honest truth. I'd admit it if I did. If somehow in the end, I actually were bi, I'm okay with it, but I strongly believe I'm not. I'm just becoming more noticing and appreciating of men's bodies in general lately and have had intrusive thoughts, just thoughts, that made me somewhat curious, but it doesn't mean I truly want to experience it and I'm not THAT curious. I need to talk to my therapist about this tomorrow, but I think it could be more of a fear of sex with women, fear of hurting the woman, hurting myself, not knowing boundaries, the fear of possibly being accused of harassment or something if the relationship ends after sex happens, because I'm so inexperienced.. The idea of possibly being bi never came from having a crush on a guy, it came from things not working out with multiple women, so this has been a flawed thought from the start. I definitely want to have sex with females, very much so, I have no doubt about that but I have some fears/concerns I need to get over..
  11. My apologies for the double post, but has anyone heard of the term hetero romantic bisexual? It's someone who will only date, and get romantic with people of the opposite sex, which sounds a lot like me, but are sexually attracted to both.. I feel like I might fall into this almost perfectly.. even though I haven't actually tried anything sexual with a man yet. Or I could be hetero-romantic bi-curious.. Meaning I'd only date & marry a women, but I'm curious about the possibility of being bi, only sexually though and not romantically..
  12. To be honest, I don't know. Even at times when I was dating females in the past, I always had these thoughts in the back of my head that I didn't understand, but I feel like I'm starting to now, so I was never 100% happy with everything. Now that I'm starting to get some clarity on this, I feel like I can start to be happy with myself, at least I hope so..
  13. My therapist actually suggested that I could be bi. I’m not 100% sold or sure on that idea but I can definitely admit I’m at least bi curious, if that’s a real thing.. She mentioned everyone around me that I care about the most is very accepting of myself either way (including my parents) what’s it gonna take for me to accept myself either way? That I don’t know. Do I see male to male sex in my future? Most likely not, though it’s not An impossibility or a fear like it once was. At the end of the day, I want to be dating someone who truly likes me for who I am and treats me with respect, which is earned, and while I’d prefer a woman, definitely, I guess I’m okay with it if it’s a man, too.. I’m not sure what that makes me, though.
  14. It looks like he has started to move on after you broke up with him, and it Sounds like you should probably start to move on too. usually when I have a breakup I distance myself from the person I was with, to try and not bring back any feelings. then, over time after I'm completely over the feelings I reach out if I want to be friends or not
  15. Hey guys. I'm a 26 year old male from New Jersey. I've posted here a few times. I appreciate all your help to this point, thank you. I feel a lot better then I did where I started, I think. I believe I could be bi-curious, or possibly just bi or truly straight. I've been strictly straight & had no interest in men or men's bodies for 26 years, so keep that in mind. Lately, I find myself appreciating the look of a man's body more and more, noticing when there are attractive men, and looking at men naked isn't a problem for me, and I've had thoughts about the possibility of doing physical things with men often recently. At first I was completely against these thoughts & feared them, but now i'm accepting that I have these and perhaps might explore one them day. I changed my tinder preference to everyone to test the waters, but I'm wondering if my thoughts are more about just admiring the way men look, and not truly wanting to be physical the way I would with a woman. I've also done research and find that there's not a whole lot of Bisexual men out there, at least in the places I've looked, it seems like for men it's either one or the other.. I see bisexuality a lot more common in women. I've also seen that women might not be as interested in dating bisexual men. However, I strongly prefer women, and would much prefer to be physical with women & wouldn't hesitate at all if a woman wanted to get physical. but in the end I'm not sure if I'd actually pull the trigger with a man and truly try it out. What do you guys think? Is there a difference between bisexual, bi curious, and is bisexual a real thing for men?
  16. Intrusive Thoughts and OCD, along with Anxiety, Is exactly what I have! I've been dealing with this exclusively for two months as I stay at home, and there's some good and bad days with it.. Like I said I have a therapist helping me realize the thoughts are okay to have and aren't real, but some days they feel more real than others.
  17. I Just wanted to say thank you for all of your replies, everyone. I did not know any of these things, because of my lack of experience. I am relieved to know about this and will definitely take everyone’s suggestions under consideration. Thank you for your replies!
  18. Thank you for your response. That’s what I really would like to believe, especially since I now know the real root of my issue, too. I don’t want To base my entire future around one not so pleasurable experience.
  19. Mostly about sexuality. I’ve been stuck on this for 2 months now. But it’s been in the back of my mind since that first experience I had. usually I ignored it. I’ve been seeing a therapist about it (virtually) now I’ve given it two months of full attention and found the root of the issue. I know I’m only interested in women but this has been bothering me
  20. I think it relates to not liking the taste of oral sex and wondering if that means I’m gay, and the fact that none of my relationships have gotten physical enough like that one did. Really I’m just in my own head. I have no desire or interest to get physical with men the same way I do with women but I guess I’m just worried that if I didnt like the taste of oral sex one time does that mean I’m automatically gay? And it was one time, I’m guessing it’s different for everyone and the taste grows on you, right?
  21. Appreciate your reply. This has been killing me and tricking me to think things that I know aren’t true. I’ve been seeing a therapist about this but I just recently think I found the real root to my problem literally last night. Oh yeah I’ve dated plenty of women since then. I’ve been in more than a handful of other relationships since then. But they were all shorter than that relationship I mentioned above, and never went beyond kissing/touching certain areas, or getting physical with breasts, which I always absolutely loved doing, all of it, but it pretty much never got further than that. My most recent relationship was two months ago, before the quarantine.
  22. Hey guys. I'm a 26 year old straight male from New Jersey. I have had many different relationships in the past, but ultimately have had a very limited sexual life. I've only done more than kissing/touching with one person and it was seven years ago, when I did everything. Anyway, at that time, I loved absolutely everything about the idea of being sexual and involved physically with a woman, it was great and something I waited 19 years of my life to do. I loved it all except one thing, and it's kinda important. I didn't like giving oral sex to her. I didn't like the taste & after I did it, it just left a bad taste in my mouth & thoughts that stuck with me for seven years, one way or another.. Ever since that moment, at one point or another, in the back of my mind I've had this thought "does this mean I could possibly be gay?" For the longest time, I couldn't figure out how or why I would even think this way to begin with, until last night when I made a sudden realization about not liking the taste of my first time trying oral sex. There were times where I (unwillingly) imagined what the taste of a penis would be like, if I'd like the taste, or not. Did I ever once think to actually act on this to find out? No, and I don't want to know either, as I have no desire to do that, I don't get those feelings for men at all. Usually I either ignored the thoughts or just let it be. For the last two months during the lockdown I've given these thoughts my full attention pretty much exclusively every day, and I need advice on how to move on from it. I know I have absolutely no desire to date, be romantic with, get physical with men whatsoever, it's just not who I am. It's okay for people to do that if they please, but it's not me. I'm 100% straight and plan to have a future with a woman that leads married and kids, with a great sex life. I want to learn to like oral sex with females, I have read it's an acquired taste, not every one tastes the same, and if you love pleasuring your woman, you will learn to like the taste, I've just been worried and super paranoid about this for awhile now and now that I've figured out the real reason why I think this way, I need to finally address this and be able to move on. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks.
  23. I had a sudden realization of one of the things that makes me happy this morning, and I'm feeling a little better. I'm not sure if it's everything I need to be happy, though.. What makes me happy is seeing other people happy because of something that either I did, or a team I was a part of did, and really feeling appreciated because of it. It's the reason why I love making people laugh, I love seeing people happy, I just love the feeling of being appreciated and impacting someone's life for even just a moment or two, and seeing them smile. And when I was either looking for a girlfriend or had a girlfriend, I would always do my best to make them smile because their happiness was what made me happy. I guess I Just haven't felt happy lately because I haven't felt appreciated or felt like I really made anyone happy lately, and I never looked at it this way before.. And my jobs are jobs that I like and can make people happy (I work for Disney Plus, their Quality Control) and I realized I do make people happy every day I work by ensuring the content on disney plus is great and ready to be uploaded to the service. I realized it's why I stream on twitch, to make people laugh, it makes sense to me now, but I never looked at it this way. I need to find a way to always have this feeling of making others happy, because that's what drives me, and I never realized it until maybe 20 minutes ago. Like a light bulb went on in my head.
  24. That's the crazy thing, It's literally been a month and 10 days and I'm already feeling like this.. Yeah, these changes are definitely fearful, and I'm very new at all this and trying to find a way to deal with them better.. I tried a site called 7 cups along with my therapist but 7 cups didn't really help all that much honestly. Maybe this one that you suggested could. Thanks for your advice! Any more advice is greatly appreciated!
  25. Hello everyone. I'm a 26 year old male. I'm not sure if this is going to make sense to anyone, and really it doesn't make sense to me either. But I know I absolutely need help. Basically, for my entire life, I have been searching for the right woman, to have a long-term relationship with. I always felt that real love and a happy/healthy relationship was the one missing piece in my life that would make me feel completely happy with myself. I've had relationships with 8 different women before, most of them were happy relationships, but not very long-term, as they all failed to last about 7 months or so. I decided after my most recent relationship, which ended well over a month ago now, to finally take some time and focus on myself. I deleted all of my online dating apps, all social media (except twitter which I use for news) The problem is, I literally never did this willingly before. Pretty much, since middle school, all I did was either try and find that relationship, the one that lasts for what I hoped to be an eternity, or be in a relationship that I thought had potential. There were times where I probably was desperate, honestly. Whether it was in school, online dating apps, wherever, I would always hope to try to find that one person that I would make a connection with and hopefully begin to build a long-term relationship with. I thought that a happy and healthy relationship was the key to real happiness for myself. When I was in a relationship, I felt completely fine and happy, no worries at all. Heck, even when I was just talking to a new female, or even just looking on an online dating app or something, I was always feeling completely fine, none of these issues (that I will describe below) at all, because I knew what I was looking for, I had a goal in mind and I was going to do whatever it took to reach that goal, no matter how long it took, of finding that right woman for myself, and finally truly be happy. Now, like I said, I decided I was going to take time to focus on myself for awhile, and wow, let me tell you, it's not going well at all. Couldn't be worse, honestly. I've learned that I'm simply not okay when I'm willingly alone. It's been just over a month of not talking to pretty much anyone outside of a close group of 3 friends, and my parents. I'm experiencing crazy anxiety, OCD, intrusive thoughts, I feel violated (I don't know why) confused, insecure, I'm questioning literally everything (including my own sexuality which I know I'm 100% straight, and I'm sure of it, but I still question the possibility of what if I wasn't, even though I know I'm definitely straight. It's like H-OCD, but I can somewhat stop those thoughts temporarily when I know they are coming) I find myself extremely bored out of my mind during this stay-at-home initiative here we have in New Jersey with the Coronavirus going around, I find myself not feeling worthy to even think someone would want to date me at this state I'm in, and especially at a time like this where we can't even go anywhere or do anything, I feel like I'm really just losing my mind. I'm somewhat able to control the intrusive thoughts, well when they start to come I'm aware they are just thoughts and I let them be, I don't fight them, but they never truly go away, they only go to the back of my mind and eventually come back to focus, and it's like a repeating cycle. (To keep the thoughts away I treat it like a food I don't like, I say like I dont like _ and it goes away temporarily. I also dont put meaning on the thoughts because they are just thoughts and don't mean anything to me) I know I want a relationship with a woman, that leads to engagement, a wife, and kids, a family, I know for a fact that's what I want in life, more than anything in the world. I want it too much, honestly, and I'm scared that because I'm not looking and the state I'm in right now, I won't be able to find it. I'm currently seeing a therapist, but she hasn't been much help yet, though it's only been two appointments though, I'm still holding out hope People close to me would always tell me, "you need to love yourself before you can love anyone else" and when it was said this way, that never made sense, until now. Recently, I read something online that is basically exactly what was said here, but in a different way. Basically, it said "love doesn't fill a void in yourself, you have to find something else that fills that void and be completely happy with yourself to love someone." That's when something clicked. It made me feel better inside, knowing this is the right mindset for the long-term, but in the short term, it made me feel worse, because for literally my entire life I thought that real love was the one missing piece to be happy. If it's not love that's my one missing piece, then what could it possibly be? The other night, I came up with possible solutions, and I basically narrowed it down to my dream job, which is a technical director in tv production. I absolutely loved doing this when I was back in college, it was my favorite thing to do, I did it as often as I could. It's been 3 years since then, and It's an extremely hard job to land. And if I don't get that job, I'm happy with what I have, but its not very fulfilling, super slow paced. I'm happy to have multiple jobs in my field for sure, but not the most ideal job that I wanted. I guess I'm just writing to you all to find out why do I feel violated in a situation like this, why can't I just accept being alone, and be happy with myself? why I fear being alone in general? is there a way to permanently keep these intrusive thoughts away, instead of only temporarily? I didn't always feel this way, and I know this won't last, so I know there's a way out of this, I just don't know how to get back there. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, I'm sorry if I sound like a crazy, irrational person here (I know I do) but I'm just trying to figure this all out, because I'm just lost.. Thank you!
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