I don’t know what to do anymore, but lately the suicidal thoughts don’t stop. They’re more frequent. They come daily.
I was arrested for a theft misdeameanor 5 years ago. I had a withhold of adjudication, but can’t seal or expunge due to another charge I had previously sealed.
I messed up badly, I had two lapses of judgement but one that is seemingly haunting me forever. After the case I went to impulse therapy, I volunteered for a year and a half mentoring and teaching children, teaching English, mentoring, and to various non profits, and I did a lot of personal growth. I truly feel I have paid my debt to society and since then I work even harder than anyone I know, because I know I have to prove myself now. But I keep getting denied jobs and I’m scared to apply to promotions at my job due to the possibility of an updated background check which some promotions need, and if I do apply I could get fired because my job which I’ve had for the last 5 years doesn’t know about it.
I feel so stuck, I feel like I limit my own self from becoming successful because when I do try I get told no. I’m tainted for life. What’s the point of living anymore? My parents bring it up any time they can, I can literally feel their disappointment like a planet on my shoulders. I’m 25 and feel like my life has no more purpose. It doesn’t matter how much volunteer I do and experience I get without pay by volunteering. It feels like I will always have this debt to society no matter what I do.
I’ve never felt this hopeless in my life