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Kaizen4

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Everything posted by Kaizen4

  1. I agree that I need to tell her. I know it's not fair to her for me to be hiding my true feelings about all this, and that she needs to know so that we can decide our path forward together. I'm really ashamed that I've let it go this long and that I've been living this lie for so long, but I'm finally working up the courage to face it. I don't think our children suspect that there's really any serious problem between us, because we don't usually fight. I'm sure they do pick up on it at some level though. It's definitely not the loving, supportive marriage that I'd like them to learn from. Thank you all for your advice and support.
  2. That is wise advice. Thank you catfeeder. I agree this is something I really need to figure out before starting marriage counseling. I think I'm mostly interested in staying in the relationship for our kids.
  3. Thank you Andrina for your thoughtful response. I think that's really good advice. I would definitely be willing to try counseling for a year. But your comment also gives me hope that if we did decided to end it, that it may actually lead to a better life for her in the end as well.
  4. Yes, correct. I should have been more clear... I was only unemployed for a few months, but that was the trigger for me getting into personal development and getting more clear on my goals and feelings. My wife and I both have good full-time jobs. Thank you for not jumping to the conclusion that I've been unemployed for the last couple of years
  5. Yes, I think you're right that she probably already suspects how I feel. I would consider marriage counseling, but it would be more from a standpoint of making the best of the remainder of our years together until the kids are grown. Once they are grown, I just don't think I would want to remain in the relationship.
  6. Wow, thank you all so much for your thoughtful comments and advice. I am truly grateful and honored for you all taking time to read this and provide your advice. What a great group. I'm definitely open to counseling, and I like the suggestion from several folks that it might be good for me to seek counseling first on my own. To answer one common question... no, I have not met someone else and don't really even want that right now. I think the trigger for all of this coming up now was losing my job a couple years ago. It gave me time to focus on personal development - starting a healthy morning routine, journaling, meditation, reading personal development books, and getting clear on what I want in life. It's made me much more aware of who I am, what's really important to me, and I've finally worked up the courage to face this issue which I've been burying for so long. Sorry for not providing more specific responses to your advice & queries. I will definitely be reading and thinking this over some more and will come back with more thoughts and responses soon. Thank you!!
  7. Hi All, I really need some advice. I think I married and had kids with the wrong person and I don't know what to do. My wife and I have been married for almost 15 years and have two daughters, ages 6 and 9. For the most part, we get along well, but I married her for the wrong reasons and am not in love with her. We were like best friends, more than deeply in love (at least from my side). My parents loved her and we all had a lot of fun together. She was my first girlfriend. I was pretty shy, had low self esteem and, although I knew I wasn't really in love with her, I felt like we could have a good life together. I didn't want to crush her and was too weak to end the relationship. I've done a lot of personal development and introspection over the last couple years, and am finally able to better articulate and face my feelings. She's a very negative person, and complains all the time (about the kids, work, house, her health, etc). We have very different parenting styles and I feel like she's super-critical of our kids and contributes to a lot of the problems we have with them. She's gained a lot of weight since we started dating and I'm no longer physically attracted to her. I don't like being physically affectionate with her because it just feels fake. We're always civil to each other, and do have a lot of fun together as a family, but we don't communicate very well. I don't feel like I've ever been able to truly be myself around her. It used to seem like we had a lot in common, but we've both changed a lot and it doesn't seem like she's very interested in me or my goals at all. She never seems interested in talking about me, my interests, or what I'm working on. I really feel like the relationship is holding me back from becoming who I'm really meant to be. I know we need to work on our relationship and communicating better, but I'm afraid to tell her how I really feel because I know it will crush her, and I don't want to ruin the mostly good family life we have. So my question is - should I tell her how I really feel? If I tell her and we decide to stay together for the kids, I'm afraid it's going to make our life together negative and miserable. If I tell her and we decide to split up, I'm afraid of what it will do to our girls, and I really don't want to be away from them. If I don't tell her, I have to continue living this lie. I feel like such an awful person for letting it get to this point and am ashamed for not having the courage to be honest about my feelings from the beginning. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I would greatly appreciate any advice you have to offer.
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