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Acolyte2020

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  1. He sounds very self centered and that's bizarre that he'd be upset at your shower choice. He's not happy unless you are catering to his wants and needs. You got used to keeping quiet about your needs. That's not healthy. I know because I kept hanging on to my ex for over a year now and we're broken up again. lots of similar stuff. I also got rude comments about my hair. >:/ You're boyfriend should be positive and encouraging. You should get turns to watch and enjoy things you like also. If it wasn't one sided he wouldn't mind watching them with you for the same reason you didn't mind watching his shows. Please, don't go back to him. I did that way too much. It continues to hurt worse and worse each time you find yourself in the same old patterns. You deserve so much better! I promise!
  2. Please don't send it. After a few sentences she's going to be annoyed. Even if you don't want to push her into getting back together or friendship this is not the best way. The ball is in her court. If you knew you two were incompatible in a relationship... It's best to leave it be. Takes a while for the heart and emotions to catch up. Keep a journal when you're tempted to reach out and then throw it away. She will respect you for leaving her alone. If she reaches out and it seems right you can apologize but keep it brief and quick. She doesn't need long drawn out explaination. Also, no matter what you do, you cannot control or change someone's perception of you. Don't worry about what she thinks of you. We're all human and do things that embarrass ourself from time to time. Just let her have her space and freedom out of love and let her be.
  3. If it's weighing that heavily on your heart I would go ahead and apologize. I wouldn't recommend adding them as a friend or expecting them to respond. I'd just leave it at a sincere apology and then let it go.
  4. I've actually been on the other end of this before. I communicate with my daughter's father and most of the time it's to do with her. I had been used to he or I calling or texting whenever but it's not like we chit chat much. One night I called him to ask how much him and his GF pay rent for their apartment because my bf and I were looking for an apartment in that area at the time so I was getting an idea of price ranges in the area. I didn't think anything of it and I didn't realize that I called at 9pm. I didn't even think about the time or of it inappropriately. The next day he told me his GF didn't like that I called "so late" and then for months he proceeded to only call me when he was at work away from his GF and mentioned to me things his GF would say or be uncomfortable with. It painted her in a bad light when I had wanted to have a good co-parenting relationship be with her as well... And the fact that he felt now he has to be sneaky about something that wasn't even an issue or shouldn't have been made me see how awful that must have been for their relationship. I did make a point to respect her wishes and not contact him unless I felt I could when he was at work so I didn't have to deal with drama or cause that for then unintentionally. Reason for mentioning all of that is because I do think you overreacted a bit. I understand being a bit uncomfortable but she was probably just sharing info she felt he needed to know. If my daughter's dad got a new job I'd want to know. Maybe it's not done urgent info I'd need to know the moment it happened but I'd like him to inform me. I'd tell her dad if I was moving, in a new relationship, got a new job, etc... These are all things that effect my child and those that are co-parenting should be informed just so that they are in the know. She may not have thought about what time it was when she sent the text or maybe that's why she texted it instead of calling. If there aren't past trust issues related to then having innapropriate conversations or cheating or whatever between them then I don't see why you need to worry. If this reaction was because of your past and what someone else did... This isn't your boyfriend's fault. He even shared the texts with you to prove his point.
  5. Reading this sounds so familiar in some ways to my relationship this past year. I feel for you. This isn't easy. I think you are right in that you need time to process everything. The break up is so fresh. I think you're doing the right thing by telling him not to be talking to you like that or continuing the conversation especially since you know he broke it off and that it's felt so one sided. Right now you two are both hurting and even though he ended it doesn't mean that he doesn't care but he doesn't get to just end things and then come back like it's alright to be friends or even to get back together. If he wanted to work things out he wouldn't have ended things and would've said that he really wanted to work on things and ways to improve the relationship. You deserve someone that's going to put in the effort to work WITH you when you need each other most not just when they need you. If you need more time, you need more time. Give yourself time to weigh out your emotions versus logic. I'd also be cautious if you end up reconsidering and getting back together. Make sure it's sincere and that it's not just because he's lonely or something. You two were together 3 years so there's going to be lingering feelings and comfort with each other because of it so be aware that. You shouldn't get back with him if he isn't showing you in his actions that he is putting in real effort and if you want commitment in you relationship. I think if he hasn't been showing that for a year and a half it's hard to believe that's going to change unfortunately.
  6. It may be hard if you still have feelings and have hopes of getting back together but despite what he is saying or how he's acting it won't make any difference if he won't get back together. If he really cared as much as he claims to then he would be willing to be in a relationship with you. It wouldnt be complicated like this. Distancing yourself from him would be a good thing. Talk to your friends especially if you're feeling down or anything. Schedule more time to hang out with friends. If you know the areas he "bumps into" you around... Try to avoid those if possible. If he asks you, be clear with him that you don't want to continue what is going on if you two are not in a relationship. You two aren't ready to even be friends mostly because he is not respecting you or your boundaries!
  7. The numbness could just be the denial stage or partially relief. Sometimes break ups can be different and you can experience the stages of loss/grief in different orders. Don't be surprised if it does spring up on you from time to time and you feel sad or angry. I think that's normal. Feeling numb might be normal too right now because if a relationship is rocky or there were ups and downs you could initially be getting some relief from not having that weight of potential new conflict on your shoulders. Break ups suck. I'm learning to go through the motions and feel whoever I feel and accept that feeling until it passes. Keep focusing on the positive. When you're tempted to have second thoughts or if he reaches out make sure you have a list of reasons why it didn't work out and why things will be better in the long run. Love yourself and try to do things that make you happy.
  8. Thank you! That's definitely one thing I'm doing. I'm always trying to find ways to continue to be involved with my daughter. She is with me most of the time. I actually bring her to work with me everyday with the pandemic going on. Then take her to karate twice a week now. She comes with me when I play my open mic on Wednesdays. We get ice cream together or go for walks. Every other weekend she has to be at her dad's. I used to look forward to a "break" but now I wish I could keep her every weekend but she needs time with her dad of course.
  9. I broke up with my ex a few weeks ago. He was the one to finally end it for good but I probably should've left several months ago. I hung on to a false sense of hope. The relationship was full of ups and downs. I know I deserve to be treated so much better. My head knows that it's for the better because one sided love is just not worth it and very painful. My heart has not caught up. I've probably made every mistake in the book. I was very angry and upset in the beginning because I was still holding on and just so mad because he was very uncaring and rude and did not care to listen to anything I had to say. It's tough to let go when you feel like you aren't truly heard. Even the end was still the same it would've been nice to know that the person did at least love you and cares and understand how you feel even if it was best to go seperate ways. I understand that I probably will never get that "closure" or ever hear any apologies. I've of course done dumb stuff and reached out to my ex a few times since the break up and each time it was like rubbing salt in wounds because he basically would just tell me to get over it, stop dwelling on things, say I was too emotional and he's tired of it, etc. I know my reaching out was stupid because I know that's never a good idea especially when you know from history that the person has often closed off any kind of emotion or intimacy from you in the past. I did an even dumber thing over the weekend and he asked me to come over for sex pretty much. I did. Of course, afterwards I had to deal with the emotional havock of all of that. I ended up with a migraine from hormonal stuff on top of being depressed and took a mental health day on Monday. Tuesday I forced myself back to work. I have been crying off and on the past few days. I've hit that depression phase. I am tired of having obsessive thoughts and cycling over and over again. I have been keeping my schedule as busy as possible (except this past weekend I was without my daughter and I didn't plan for the gaps of free time and too much thinking was bad apparently)... My schedule is pretty busy between work, my daughters karate, a photoshoot I had, practicing guitar, and playing every Wednesday at open mic... I do try and set up times with friends (even ones that I don't always feel like seeing but they are always there for me and it helps occupy my time). I have things to work on. I'm doing everything I can to push through and bounce back after crying and to keep doing activities that I plan even if I get depressed just before and feel like giving up. I also have a counselor that I'm seeing once every 2 weeks. I was seeing her before the start of this relationship anyway for anxiety and stuff in general. Unfortunately I always battle anxiety/depression and sometimes obsession. I am always trying to work on balancing my life (even if I'm not the best at it). I guess I understand that this is gonna take time for my heart to heal and catch up. I try not to beat myself up about not letting go (but I do). I know I have to fully let go but I just don't know when or how that's going to happen. It'll have to come from within me at some point. I don't know if I even really have any questions because I feel like know the answers but I just wish that there was something to make it easier. Sorry. I just needed to vent and get all this out somewhere. Of course if you have any kind words or suggestions please feel free to share. You can be honest or blunt too but maybe not to harsh because I've already probably hurt enough from my ex and enough from my own head. lol. I'm also, for sure, for sure done reaching out to my ex because I know that's not going to help me heal like I need to. So no worries on that. No matter how bad I feel I will continue to just find friends to talk to or write it down in my journal or something.
  10. Oh.. there was an interesting podcast I listened to a while back about a married couple that hadn't had sex for a few years since their son was born and they loved each other very much but didn't have sex and wanted to work on getting that back but they were kind of stuck in mom and dad mode. It's hard to keep romance and attraction alive when you don't have much time without the little one. Could just be a challenge in your marriage right now. I think continuing with counseling is smart. Also, continuing to make time for date nights where family friends or someone you trust watches the little one while you too get more one on one time. Be patient. Go out together. Flirt a little. Let affection just naturally grow. Maybe cuddling will become more often and build to more. I think it can be rekindled if the two of you are putting in the effort and patience and want to make it work.
  11. I understand and can relate to how you feel but I can assure you that the advice people are giving you are just what you need to do. I know break ups are rough. I'm going through one and the relationship lasted a year when it probably should've been over at about the 6 month mark. My ex would get into arguments with me every single time I'd try to open up or discuss things to work through and he would often block me and threaten to disappear, etc. Now that we are officially broken up and I've made a fool of myself enough spilling all my feelings and bring vulnerable just to get terrible responses from someone who doesn't care I have learned that it's worthless to continue. Deep down, if you truly love that person, give them what they want... Even if it means life without you. One day you may realize that you don't even need to be in contact with him ever or maybe one day you both will be healed enough but the ball is in his court. Don't force it. I suggest going to a counselor to you have someone in the outside you can share your feelings with. Start keeping a journal to help you process your emotions. If you feel like telling him something you can practice writing a letter and when your done destroy it. Rip it up and toss it. When you're tempted to reach out... Contact a friend or family. Try to shift your focus on you and your life goals. Do you have career goals or hobbies? If not, maybe start looking into some. Invest your time into new goals and projects. I know it can be difficult to control your emotions and behaviors but you're just going to have to. No one said it would be easy. It's not. I still have to have a little bit of contact with my ex. Heck, he probably would've even been ok with shifting to just friends had I been cool with it. But I know I can't. Not right now. I'm not healed so I have to discipline myself for my own good. I've stopped myself from making so many poor choices in this past week. I deactivated my Facebook account so I have less chances to even look at his Facebook or be flooded with all kinds of negative social media during this time. I took his number out of my contacts and I only contact regarding what's left in the apartment that I need to finish moving. I am focusing on my new apartment and organizing it to make it feel homey for me and my daughter. Trying to stay in contact with friends and family throughout the day to keep my mind off of things. Listening to music and playing guitar. You just have to come up with things that help relax you and make you happy. You'll have moments where you wanna break down and you might even cry. It's okay to have feelings. It's ok for it to take time to let go but you have to respect him and more importantly respect yourself. It will be better for you in the long run!
  12. If she was interested in rekindling she would've attempted a lot more than a "hey". 3 years have passed and she just got out of a long term relationship. She was probably feeling hurt and lonely and reaching out to people in her past to take her mind off or to vent. It probably wouldn't be the best time. I think not responding was the right thing especially if you do still have hope because she's an ex and neither of you have shown any real effort at rekindling and some things will never change.
  13. I honestly think this guy is not for you. If he wanted a relationship he'd be clearer on that. If it's too soon and you still need to date and get to know each other then he wouldn't be so aggressive physically. I'm genuinely worried that if you were to hang out with him again that he would continue to try and push his limits. He's already overstepped your boundaries. Don't let anyone pressure you into anything you're not comfortable. I know it's hard and conflicting in the moment but you have to understand that a man that truly respects you won't put you in this position because he will listen the first time you move his hand away or tell him you don't like something he will not keep trying. I also think he is pulling away and trying not to hurt you but he's not calling or available because he doesn't seem to be interested now that he was so persistent on being physical but knows how you feel. I think you shouldn't settle for anyone who doesn't respect you physically/emotionally. I think you'd be better off with someone else. Find someone that's willing to take the time to really get to know you first! Take whatever time you need. Anything physical should be agreed on and natural on whatever time that works best for both of you and establish boundaries ahead of time. If a relationship is what you're looking for be clear with the next person about what you want. It's perfectly fine to date a while before determining the relationship status but don't let a guy take advantage and push you to be physical. That's a huge red flag! Be careful!!!
  14. Unfortunately, I can relate to all of this. It can and will continue to cycle. He may decide to unblock you and talk again but, mostlikely, the core of the problem won't get solved. Don't let it get swept under the rug. The best thing you can do for yourself is take this time to move on. I know that sounds painful because you really rather him care enough to work through the problems rather than withdraw but he is not capable of doing so. You're seeing a pattern here. I wish I could tell you what you want to hear and say that he'd apologize and be understanding and that he won't leave but look what he did again. He left! Real mature conversations would've involved him not blocking you and not getting in a heated argument but truly listening to you regardless of his views. I know how you feel. I've been with a guy a whole year like this and we lived together! He will continue to take advantage of you being so caring and forgiving while he knows he has the advantage of shutting you out whenever he's unhappy. It's not fair or respectful to you. A healthy relationship involves effort on both parts!
  15. You two have been talking for 5 months and now finally have a meet up set. If you sense she is quieter it could be nerves. I would listen to the others and dial it back a bit. Saturday is almost here so just keep it short and don't push for big convos right now. Try to relax and go in with a positive attitude. Just have a nice, fun, casual time. If things go well then great but don't go overboard and message her to death. I know I get overwhelmed if I'm supposed to meet up with someone on a certain day and they keep bringing it up or talking about other plans on top of that or if they text a ton. Then I feel kind of pushed and like I'm expected to please that person and be totally ON and that exhausts me. I'd rather it just be casual and no rush it expectations. If it goes well she'll want to hang out again but just be patient and let it happen naturally.
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