Me and my boyfriend have been going out since we were 14 and we are now 21 so 7 years. He is in his 3rd year of uni and studies french and Spanish however for his 3 rd he had to live abroad for a year. I thought this would end up being fine, yeah I would miss him but I never expected anything to happen to the relationship. Before he went in September everything was perfect and I’ve even asked him this and he thought the same. We went on a 3 week family holiday together, everything was how it normally is. But before he came home for Christmas I had only seen him once when he came home for my birthday in November. I wanted to go out and see him but I could never get the timing right before my uni course is so full on.
Things were fine before and while he was home for my birthday, yeah we found it difficult only talking on the phone but we didn’t argue that much, I just got annoyed at him because I felt he spoke about himself a lot and I felt he almost forgot I had a life aswell. When he came home for my birthday I could tell he was happy to see me, when I picked him up from the airport he couldn’t stop staring at me because this was the longest we’d gone without seeing each other. When he was home (he was only home the weekend) it was planned out because I had my party on the Saturday and then on the Friday we had my birthday dinner and he was trying to see his friends in that time aswell so we barely had any time together. Anyway, after he went back things began to change, he wasn’t putting that much effort in in terms of making me feel better (I lost my gran last November, and my uni work was seriously getting me stressed, and I had also moved closer to uni for 3rd year so felt quite depressed aswell). And in turn I would then moan at him for this, we would argue quite a lot, he would say I’m being quite negative. The conversations weren’t great because it would always be the same thing like what you doing then I’d say uni work like it would always be the same. Whenever I would say I feel his response would always be however many days it would be till I see him that’s it, that’s all he would say in trying to make me feel better.
Anyway that was what got me through, the thought of seeing him so a lot of excitement built up. We had discussed that we needed to see how things went when he was home because we both couldn’t stand the arguing anymore, but although I was like yeah don’t want to loose you I wasn’t extremely worried. So he was due home the 20th December and the plan was that he would fly to where I stay for uni we would have a day/night there and then I’d drive us home. When I first seen him I knew there was a bit of tension there but he did hug me and stuff so it’s not like he was completely off. When we got back to the flat it didn’t take long for us to have sex and I felt things were fine like they weren’t going to be perfect it was the first time seeing him in over a month. After that he was hugging and kissing me on the sofa like things felt normal. We had planned to go out for dinner but when we were walking there he said something like I can see myself moving around a lot, and I said something like with me? Or something I can’t remember just to see what he would say and to stuff like that he always kinda says well we’re 21 so who knows what will happen like that kind of attitude and obviously that’s fine but there it least has to be a want there, like a want to have a future with me cause in the past we’ve talked about our future, like we’ve been together 7 years like of course you’re going to think well what can break us now ? So anyway while out for dinner i think the conversation got brought up about how we’ve been feeling the last couple weeks and how we feel about it and he just had this attitude like if who knows what will happen if things aren’t the same while he’s back and I think things just escalated because he started saying some worrying stuff that didn’t sound hopeful for us so I just had this horrible feeling, I kept asking him did something happen and eventually he said yes so I wanted to leave the restaurant cause I felt sick.
Eventually got back to the flat and he tells me that it’s a Spanish girl (he told me about her before but he just said there was a group of them that were all friends so I didn’t even know I had to worry) that his flatmate was friends with because they met each other through his job in spain (his flat mate is gay and is from near us) so he tells me he’s kissed her a few times and that they both like each other. Not even a random girl, it doesn’t mean anything, no like full on said we both like each other. So from that point on he says stuff that I wouldn’t of even dreamt he would ever say to me, like I didn’t miss you as much as I thought I would, when I think of you with another guy it doesn’t effect me that much like so much stuff. He’s sitting crying telling me this saying how sorry he is etc and I’m just shocked, like I kept saying to him I honestly don’t know who you are, never once has he ever even kissed anyone like we’re both each other firsts. I think I should probably also say that when I was 16 on a girls holiday I kissed someone and that completely devastated him like last new year he cried to me on the phone saying he tried to kill himself because I made him feel so low about it. So anyway I let him stay, because the hard part is he’s my best friend and I had missed him so much and also I didn’t want to be alone even if it was him.
Before we went to sleep he said I do want to try with you and I do think it’s a mistake but when we woke up it was still ‘I don’t know I don’t know how I feel, I’ve been thinking about this for weeks and even being here with you I still don’t have an answer’ but after an hour he comes to the conclusion again that he does want to make things work. So I say to try and enjoy the day and show him that we can still have a good time together (because in my head I was giving him an excuse saying it’s just because we’ve not had proper time together in months) so we went to the Christmas markets and I did feel on edge which is normal surely but I did still feel hopeful. So before I dropped him home he did say ‘I’ll phone the girl and tell her it’s over and that we can’t continue’ so I said fine and that’s how we left it. That night I was supposed to be going out for my friends 21st so I did think that would take my mind off it but from speaking to my friends (one of them is very tough and takes no ) I felt I was worried more because I was still shocked by the full thing and they seen it for what it was. So getting ready I was just constantly thinking about it, he eventually tells me he calls her and explains everything so although I felt better about that I was still thinking so it was obviously serious if he had to call her ? Anyway I decided i wouldn’t go out I felt horrible but I honestly felt I wasn’t in the right head space and I would just ruin it for everyone. So he was at the pub while this was happening and I was texting him saying I don’t think I’m going to go out and if I could see him after he’s finished at the pub.
Sounds stupid but I had missed him so much and he’s literally always the one to comfort me whatever I go through so I was just trying to get that normality back while trying to figure out what was going on. I picked him up and he was drunk so his words weren’t the best but he was saying stuff like he’s messed up so bad and has ruined our relationship and was willing to make it up to me. He also said he felt a weight had been lifted off his shoulders after he told that other girl it was over. So that night I stayed because again I felt hopeful and I just wanted to because I really wanted a goodnight sleep (previous night I didn’t have any sleep and I’m bad thinking about stuff when I’m on my own). That morning which was the Sunday he said he’d take me out mini golfing and that we’d have a really nice day so again although I was shocked at the situation because I couldn’t get over all the stuff he had said to me I still felt hopeful. The day was weird although I was happy I was with him he was being off, he said he didn’t feel well so I was kinda annoyed like if he felt sick then fine but he was the one that should be being nice to me not the other way around. So anyway after that went back to his and things were normal. Next day he came over and he felt off like he was hugging me and stuff but I thought he was just like that before he felt weird being around my family so just felt on edge.
That night while texting him the topic of the holiday we had been planning to go on came up, and I asked him do you still want to go on it and his reply was obvs and I got annoyed at that because well obviously it’s not obvious? Anyway I phoned him and he basically was saying stuff like well if we’re still together then obviously I want to go and just stuff in general about giving the relationship a try while he’s home but not promising anything because he might feel different at the end of it. Next day he was in town buying my Christmas presents so i thought well it is a good sign he’s still buying my presents you know. Texted for a bit during the day and then I had asked to come over and see him before we go to the pub for Christmas Eve. Things were fine but we had sex and it felt awful he was so rough like it really felt he was trying too hard. That night at the pub was awful too when I arrived he was drunk, he told me I looked nice and was being touchy feely but way too much like kissing me every 2 mins which isn’t normal for us at all we usually don’t kiss each in public. And whenever I’d say right calm down he’d get so annoyed at me. When it got past 12 his friends had gone home so wanted to go home (the plan was that he would stay at mine have Christmas morning with us and then go see his family) but my friends were still there so I didn’t want to leave yet, so he sat there sulking but he is an annoying drunk anyway. Eventually I said right let’s go home cause he was annoying me.
When we were walking home he was being very short, he would tell a story and in the middle of it I’d say oh yeah did blabla not happen like trying to be engaging but he kept on saying stop interrupting me and just being horrible. Then when we got home we were in the kitchen and he was on his phone and I could just see that he had sent 3 love hearts to someone but he quickly put it away cause he could see I was looking so I freaked out and asked to see his phone (pretended I wanted to see pics or something) and I went onto his messages and the message was to that girl, I couldn’t see what it said cause it was in Spanish but he wiped the phone off me and I screamed at him and asked what it said but he just stared at me and said I’m not telling you so I was just shocked like he is not the type of person to be horrible like that. So eventually he burst out crying and said that he can’t do this anymore he’d been trying so hard but every time he kisses me has sex or whatever it feels like he’s doing it with his best friend and it doesn’t feel right. He then eventually told me that he had sex with this girl and the message said merry Christmas Thankyou for being part of my life im sorry things didn’t work out, which is really weird like why wouldn’t he of just said that at the time? Anyway I’m sitting shaking ing raging like how could he of done this to me knowing fine well he’s been through it himself and how it’s made him feel, and even when he knows how I’ve been feeling he still went and done it. So we spoke and felt the best thing would be to go on a break, but while he’s home we still see each other because i do think if I don’t see him it’s going to be so easy for him to go back to Spain and think there’s nothing I want from that relationship so I wanted to show him that we can still have a good time. Anyway I let him stay because I knew if we had left it on a bad note I wouldn’t of gotten any sleep and it was Christmas the next day. Next day I cried multiple times, he left early afternoon and I had such a day because where he was spending Christmas there wasn’t good reception so I couldn’t even speak to him or ask him anything because we didn’t talk about how this break was going play out so I had so many questions. Anyway on Thursday night I went to go see my friend to tell her what’s been happening etc and she really put things into perspective for me so I left feeling a bit better but mostly angry. I phoned him that night asking him different things and I said that when he goes back to Spain I don’t want to speak to him so that’s it’s a proper break, and he agreed but I also said I don’t think it would be a good idea to go back to this girl because there’s feelings involved I said if he honestly does see a future with me but not right now he would know not to go near her.
I said this and he was so hesitant saying that he can’t promise that nothing will happen ? So I just left it. He also said that he messaged her updating her on us and I was so annoyed at the because it has nothing to do with her but he said she messaged him asking how he is. I then said we’ll I think it’s more than fair that you dont text her when you’re home, he said he doesn’t message her really anyway but yes that’s fine. I then went to see him last night and it was weird like he kept laughing and I said yeah I know it’s awkward then we started talking about stuff again, we went to go lay down in his room and we were getting on well like it finally felt like it should. Then his pals came round and we all had a drink and things we just like we were all pals. I stayed so I didn’t have to get a lift home, at first he was like is that not a bit far and I said well I’m going to stay with you when we go see your family for newyear (I’ve decided to still go cause I’m really close with his family and love his little brother, his friend is coming too so it’s not just us) and he’s staying at my flat the night before he goes, and also we’re fine hugging and stuff so I said well why not ? So we hugged a bit (was mostly me asking because I was cold) but apart from that nothing happened. This morning I phoned me friend again to update her, and she said she just thinks he’s wanting to do the break rather than filling saying he wants to end it with me, that really he knows what he’s doing. I also have thought that I’m not going to tell him to not see that girl or stop him from doing anything Because he should be doing what he thinks is right, like I really have this fear that if I don’t let him just do want he wants he’ll always have the idea of what if in his head.
A part of me things that yeah when he goes back and we don’t talk for ages surely it will give him a fright because I won’t be there anymore like we haven’t gone a day without speaking for the full 7 years we’ve been together. But then another part of me is thinking that when he does go back he’ll think it’s a free pass to get on with whatever he felt bad about doing before. And that after 2/3 weeks I’ll get a message saying he doesn’t think it’ll work out and it’s not worth and the feelings he has for this girl are stronger than the ones he has for me. So now I’m thinking is it right to carry on seeing him because it will let him realise what we could have and he’ll have more of a chance of missing me when he goes or am I just letting him have his cake and eat it ? He’s got her over there and me over here ? He’s still getting to spend time with me, he’s getting everything he wants ? Hard thing about this is we’ve grown up together it’s more than just a relationship. So I need help on what to do I have never been in this situation before. Thankyou for reading I know it’s a lot