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  1. Yes i pay child support every month because in my state which ever parent doesn't have physical custody pays which I have no problem doing at all. The only reason I gave up physical custody is because as I said I was homeless, living in my car not eating for weeks at a time because I had lost my job at the time due to an injury and they medically terminated me. Ive even offered to pay for her hockey or lacrosse because her father has the child support going into a savings account for college. We all have talked about doing therapy which I also offered to pay for but all I ever get told is she's to busy or she's emotional because she's starting puberty or some other excuse. I had a very rough childhood which is why I stayed with the ex for as long as I did. And I do want to be able to stand up for myself and teach her how to be a good person. I'm just torn over doing what she wants versus what I want. In an ideal world we would have the relationship we used to have but its not an ideal world. And I know I shouldn't worry about the what ifs but what parent doesn't? It really doesn't help to have my family yelling at me to force her to go with me and her looking at me with hate. I would love to have her go to therapy if they would take her.
  2. You are correct. There is still a lot of fear for me. We have been divorced for about 6 years now. So for me im just now coming to realize who I am as a person without his influence. In a way I'm still growing as a person and I'm 38 years old. Ive always been told my heart is to big. I'm a vet tech for over 20 years, a volunteer emt and a paid emt. I'm the person that tries to save everyone else and always puts myself last. Part of me does feel she would be better without me because then she wouldn't have to worry about her father getting upset with her if she gives me affection or wants to speak to me or see my grandmother. She wouldnt have to worry about anything but her own school grades or practices for hockey or lacrosse. But then the bigger part of me says no she isnt better without me because I can teach her how to be everything her father isn't... I just know from my own situation growing up that when I was forced to go with my own mother I was upset with my grandmother for making me go but I hated my mother more. And it hurts to see that hate in her eyes, the same hate my own mother saw from me. I just can't force her to want to spend more time with me. I know I probably need to wait till she gets older and understands more and sees her father for how he truly is. I just dont know if my heart can wait that long.
  3. I am employed, no substance problems. Happily remarried to a wonderful man who has 3 adult children and 4( soon to be 5) grandchildren. I pay child support every month. Our agreement is joint custody with him having physical which I gave up physical because I was homeless at the time of our final divorce. The ex husband is a cop and gets free lawyers from the fop. I however would have to pay for one which I cant afford( my husband can without a problem). The issue is I don't want to force her. Ive talked with lawyers who have all said I have enough to charge him with content of court. I'm sure with all the things he did to me that he has done to her when she was younger. She is now almost 10 and very mature for her age. I see how she is with him and she is very happy with him and his wife. I just dont know what to do about her practically begging me to let her step mom adopt her. 4 years ago I had to have a hysterectomy due to cancer so my daughter is my only biological child and she is my world. Ive been strict to a point as in only letting her watch tv or play on her tablet for a set time before her and I would go outside to play which her father and step mother do as well. I just don't want to give up my rights with their "promise" of me seeing her when I dont get to do so now according to my court agreement. But I dont want her to hate me more then she already does by dragging her and her father to court to force her to visit with me.
  4. First a bit of back story. Got married at 18 in 1999 to my high school sweetheart( so I thought). He was controlling in school but once we got married it stopped, for a year anyway. Then got worse. I was isolated from my family, had to get his permission to spend over $100 of my money from my job ( we had separate bank accounts) I was only allowed to have friends that he was friends with first. It was never physical just emotional and mental abuse. I kept thinking it would get better. Fast forward to 2009 and I got pregnant. Thinking things would change I was happy. Mental abuse continued. Fast forward to 2012 I finally get the nerve to leave but what to do about my daughter? I didnt have a guarantee I would have a roof over my head since I had been isolated from my family so I chose to leave my daughter with my husband. I wanted her to have a roof over her head, clothes on her back and food in her belly. Many people have told me I was wrong in that decision but I felt it was the best for her. Especially when I became homeless just a few months later. Fast forward to 2014 and I was living with my grandmother and according to divorce court I was getting my daughter 2 over night visits every week. About a month before she started school she starts telling me she doesn't want to stay the night anymore because "daddy and grandma cry when I'm not home" so I gave in when she started crying and stopped having her over night. Then the ex starts only allowing me to have her every other Sat. I can't afford a lawyer at this time so I argue with him, without her present, and fight trying to get her more often. She comes to me crying telling me she doesn't want to come with me more often. Again I give in to make her happy even though its killing me inside. Then the ex husband starts dating his now current wife. My daughter loves her. I notice my daughter pulling away from me more. I'm no longer being told of school plays and events. I keep asking and am told my daughter doesn't want me there. This past year I got my daughter on mother's day and Christmas Eve. I went to every lacrosse game I could which wasnt every single one being that I worked every other weekend. When she started hockey I was told an hour prior to the game that she was having a game that was at least a 2 hour drive from me. When I couldn't make those my daughter started saying guess something else was more important then me. Instead of them telling her the truth that they didnt inform me till it was to late for me to make the game they just shrug it off. My daughter started asking me to give up my rights to her so her new step mom can adopt her. It breaks my heart every time she asks and I tell her no its never going to happen. She gets mad at me and doesn't want to spend time with me now because she thinks everything else is more important then her. Every time I'm around her I tell her how much I love her and how it breaks my heart to see her upset with me so now she just refuses to see me. This year she asked me not to get her anything for Christmas or her birthday which is the week before Christmas. All she wants is for me to give up my rights so her step mom can adopt her. I refuse to force her to spend time with me. I know it will make her hate me more since she literally is a mini me. All this on my mind is hurting me and my new marriage as well as her. So my question is this... Do I keep hurting her and myself by not giving in or do I give in and let her step mom adopt her but destroy myself in the end? I can't see any healthy way out of this.
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