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floating

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Posts posted by floating

  1. I don't know what you mean by "emotionally abusive", but if you did anything like call her names, shout, use curse words, insult her or throw things or damage property then I can understand why she doesn't want to reconcile. I wouldn't.

     

    And she's still in the cycle of abuse. She probably has trouble understanding why someone who claimed to love her treated her so poorly. She is possibly trying to negate the abuse by proving to herself she didn't love an abuser (because that thought is distressing). Maybe someone in her life has told her you're an abuser and she's trying to prove them wrong.

     

    What kind of help are you getting? I hope by "help" you mean a counselor or therapist and not just lame reading stuff online.

     

    Does your counselor or therapist recommend staying in contact with her?

     

    I didn't call her names or use curse words, but the things I said made her question herself a lot. I made her question her own sanity and just made her feel bad about herself in general by telling her that she didn't care enough, acted selfishly, etc. When I think about it, I understand why she doesn't want to because I agree that I wouldn't want to either. I'm just holding onto this hope that she can bring herself to believe that I've learned my mistakes and don't intend to repeat them twice and hurt her all over again with my carelessness.

     

    She did tell me herself that she doesn't understand how I claimed to have loved her but hurt her the way I did. The only explanation I had was what I stated here: that I really didn't know better and didn't know how else to conduct myself in our relationship. I don't think she understands it and I don't know how else to get her to understand that my behavior was the result of my own internal flaws and insecurities and not because I thought she deserved to be treated the way I treated her. I don't want her to think that I am an abuser. I really do not believe that about myself and it kills me that I won't get the chance to prove it to her.

     

    I am going to a therapist, yes. I haven't spoken extensively with my therapist about my relationship problems because I want the focus to be on the root causes of my flaws so that I can fully work on them first instead of putting the focus on my relationship.

  2. Every time she sees you or talks to you it reminds her of how you hurt her.

     

    Your anxiety is causing you to lessen your chances, not improve them.

     

    You can't see change if it's happening in front of you because it's too incremental. If you leave her alone, she will have time to process the hurt and possibly forgive you, plus she will be able to SEE a new and improved you.

     

    Is it guaranteed she will want you back? Nope, but right now I can almost guarantee that if you keep down this path your chances will be just about zero.

     

    And no, she will not "forget" about you or that you exist. Unless she has a TBI the memory of your existence will not vanish.

     

    I'm thinking similar things you've articulated here. The thing is, she really wants to stay friends with me and stay in touch and talk every day. Do you think it's possible to still be reminded of how much someone hurt you and still want them in your life at the same time? I'm struggling to understand based on her behavior if leaving her alone will only cause even more damage or will allow her the healing she needs.

     

    What did you do?

     

    I was emotionally abusive in the way I handled conflicts between us. I'm not a terrible person or anything, just unable to properly handle and communicate my feelings in a healthy manner. I've been getting help for it the second we broke up. It's a sad thing how horrible things have to happen for people to realize they need to change. Often time it's just too late.

  3. It's been a little over a year since my ex broke up with me. We were mostly NC for a couple of months before we started talking again and have been talking for about 6 months ever since. We hung out a couple of times, talked on the phone frequently, etc. She initiated things equally as much as I did. We got into a few misunderstandings here and there but talked through them so much better than we ever did while we were together. Things were seriously looking up and I thought there was hope that we were on our way to building the foundation to a stronger and better relationship. I really felt like she was warming up to me again. She saw that I had made significant changes and told me how conflicted she felt knowing that I had changed but still not able to trust completely that getting back together would promise that we wouldn't go back to where we were when we were together.

     

    I refrained from talking about getting back together in the past two months, but recently brought it up again. I didn't put any pressure on her, just simply asked her if she would like to work things out with me. She told me she doesn't think she can. To put things into context, we were together for four years and things started to get toxic towards the last year of it. I cause her a lot of emotional and mental pain. Whenever we talk about getting back together, she brings up that she isn't over what I put her through. Her dominant feelings towards it is fear. She's afraid of getting hurt again and doesn't trust that it won't happen again.

     

    I was hoping that through me sticking around, I could show her that I can be trusted. I wanted to show her that we could start over fresh. At this point I don't think it's possible because she hasn't yet healed from everything that happened. She's carrying a lot of baggage and associates me with so much pain. I don't know what to do to fix that. I think I need to leave her alone so that she can process that pain alone and hopefully, learn how to let it go and forgive me one day. I am terrified that in leaving her alone, I'll ruin all chances of us ever getting back together because she'll lose all feelings for me completely or find someone new. I'm afraid that she'll end up resenting me instead of softening her heart for me through the passing of time.

     

    I could really use some advice. People keep telling me "why wait for someone to make up their mind about you?" and the answer to that is because I hurt her. I am responsible for the demise of our relationship and I feel like it's my responsibility to make it better. I understand that it is not so simple to make up your mind to go right back into a relationship with someone who caused you so much pain. I empathize with her fears and I understand why she doesn't want to. I don't want to let her go though and I could use some input. Does it make sense to keep sticking around and fighting to show her that I can be safe to love again, or should I give up and let time hopefully heal what I can't?

  4. Sounds like you broke up with her in the heat of the moment, which sounds like trouble if you do decide to move forward with your relationship. You could have at least communicated with her about how you need more effort from her. If you are both serious about being together you need to be able to handle periods of distance and not seeing each other. If your attitude is "if I don't ever get to see her then I might as well be single" then you probably don't like her as much as you think you do and you would both benefit from ending the relationship and letting it go.

  5. She has to work through her anxious thoughts. She's been hurt before but she's nursing it and distracting herself from the real issues, unfortunately, that plague her and skirting around her mental issues and anxiety about getting hurt again. I think what you're failing to see is that you worked on yourself in therapy but she hasn't worked on herself at all. Your love for her is blinding you to what's infront of you. The problem is: she didn't ever grow past that hurt and she's stuck in a loop. It's your decision really about how long you want to wait for someone who doesn't want to help him/herself.

     

    I'd stop with the guilt already. You've got that five letter word pasted and branded all over you and you're a walking billboard for hurt. Don't live that way anymore. You don't deserve to live your life guilt-ridden and stuck in the loop with her. She needs to overcome and grow. No matter what you do you cannot help someone do that. They need to do it on their own.

     

    She knows she needs to work on herself but unfortunately has no idea how and it really doesn't seem like she wants to. She knows she needs to do it alone though and understands it would be selfish to make me wait for her to get herself together. The thing is I'm the kind of person who doesn't mind waiting for someone I love. I don't feel guilty and me wanting her back isn't some kind of way to absolve my guilt for hurting someone I love. Me working on myself and becoming a better man for her and for myself was the way I overcame whatever guilt I felt. I genuinely love this woman and want to be with her. We are in a LDR and that is not something I would voluntarily choose to do to myself knowing that I have so many options available to date locally. So, it's hard. Do I wait for someone who is going through a rough patch in her life right now or do I give up on her and give up on us completely? It's hard to decide what to do.

    • Like 1
  6. I just wanted to add some more stuff here because I wanted to clarify some points to help you all understand why I am as conflicted and as confused as I am. For one, my ex only told me to move on because I asked her if I should because I wasn't sure if me waiting around being her friend was going to just end up hurting me or not. She never voluntarily came out to tell me "you need to move on", which I think is completely different than what happened here. She told me she knows its selfish to ask me to wait for her while she is so unsure, so I think it makes sense for her to tell me that yes, I should move on. She knows how wrong it would be to ask for someone to wait for them, I don't think anyone would ever do that, no matter how much they love someone.

     

    Seems simple, except for the fact that she gets really upset at the thought of me actually moving on. I won't mention everything out of concern for privacy but to put it shortly she gets really jealous and sad if I mention that I'm going to hang out with other women. If she really moved on already, I don't think she would care who I'm seeing or who I might be moving on with. Again, she tells me one thing but her actions tell me the complete opposite.

     

    Her lack of action in some instances, her words, they all point to her having moved on but she really isn't acting at all like she moved on. She told me she broke up with me while she was still in love with me and forced herself to so that she could save her mental health. I don't feel as if she ever actually moved on. She tells me it's difficult because she still loves me and she still likes me. She just feels really scared about getting hurt again. She told me there's too much pressure attached to us getting back together and that it's too soon, as in too soon to tell if our relationship won't be like before. I feel like if I love her, I should be doing everything I can to fix it. I need to be present in order to show her that no, the relationship won't be like it was before. I need to stop trying to make her ready if she's not and work towards re-attracting.

     

    If my mindset is wrong, please tell me. I understand that I need to move on badly. But I am only hesitant to do so because of all the confusion surrounding everything.

  7. I can't speak for everyone. However, I'll speak for myself and what I think.

     

    Once someone has hurt me or whenever relationships (or friendships) went south, it's extremely difficult to recover because you know that old saying, "once bitten, twice shy." There's huge reluctance to get hurt again no matter how sincere efforts are to rekindle the relationship. As you know, trust is the big issue here. Many people fear trusting again will only repeat the same if not worse pain in the future and who in their right mind wishes to take on this risk? Not many if at all.

     

    Your previous relationship failed for a reason and she did not like your reaction and how you handled it. Unfortunately, you can't take back what was said and written. It's here to stay and she will never forget it. There are always harsh consequences in t his world.

     

    Whenever anyone says they're not ready to get back together, it's a gentle way of saying, it's over so stop hanging onto hope because it's unrealistic.

     

    She told you to move on so you need to take this hint and get her message. You've said she's made it very clear to you that you should not wait around for her so you need to take heed. Stop your wishful thinking and stop pestering her. No means no.

     

    She's still reeling from past hurts and while she'll forgive you, she'll never forget and neither does the rest of this Earth's population. We all move on but none of us have amnesia.

     

    She enjoys being single because it's freedom and relief. Respect her wishes and don't bother her anymore.

     

    Don't keep at it and never become relentless because you're perceived as a pain in the neck.

     

    You may not have to like it but you have to accept that your relationship with your ex is a done deal. I'm sorry.

     

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I'll leave her alone and move on.

    • Like 1
  8. We don't tell a guy he should move on unless we're pretty certain we are never coming back, OP.

     

    She probably enjoys your continued friendship, but the romantic feelings are gone. That is why she feels okay encouraging you to move on. She plans to do the same, when the right guy who catches her interest comes along.

     

    You would be best to believe that this one is over, and work towards acceptance. She is already out the door, my friend.

     

    I thought the same thing, but she still really does treat me with romantic feelings still. She told me she's not moving on while talking to me either, even though she knows that we both have to. So there's a lot of mixed feelings that I'm getting from her. She's telling me to move on so that I can be happy, but she's not really letting either one of us move on by continuing to persist with the contact. It's the only thing that's keeping me around. Her words are telling me one thing, but her actions are telling me something else.

  9. I'll try to make this brief but I previously posted a thread about how my ex and I are in contact. I've had a serious conversation with her since then, where she informed me that she really wants to give me another chance but doesn't think she is ready and she doesn't know when she'll be ready. I asked her if I should move on and she told me that I should because it wouldn't be fair to me to keep me waiting on her and prevent me from finding happiness. She made it very clear that she doesn't want me to wait for her, even though I told her I wouldn't mind, knowing that I'm the one who did the hurting. She is still hurting from what happened during our relationship. Long story short, I really hurt her throughout our relationship because I had terrible ways of dealing with our problems and I said horrible things that really hurt her feelings. I knew how wrong I was but could not get myself to stop. It was only after she left me that I finally went to therapy and sought help for my problems. I know I have a much better handle on my emotions now, and she has told me many times how much I've grown since the breakup and feels torn about giving me a chance because she knows I'm different know but still unable to let go of her fears.

     

    The past few months that we've been talking feels like how it did when we first started falling love. I really feel like there's a chance that I could get her back, but the problem is I'm afraid that maybe she just doesn't want to be with me right now because she wants to enjoy being single. I know that this doesn't entail seeing other people because she told me herself that she would let me know if she was or wanted to because she knows it would be disrespectful to do that to me while we were talking. Maybe she wants attention from other people so she can actually feel what single life feels like? I really don't know.

     

    So, I wanted to ask you all what you think. I can understand how she wouldn't be ready to get back into this. It hasn't been that long since we broke up. She's having a hard time trusting me and trusting that things won't go wrong, I know this. She's still hurting and recovering from the tumultuous end of our relationship. I'm thinking that if I just keep at it, talking to her, finding small ways every day to win back her heart, that she can trust me again. But there is so much potential heartbreak here and I am terrified.

     

    In this kind of situation, is it possible that one day, she'll feel ready? When someone tells you they aren't ready to get back together, is it possible that they will never feel ready to or do they just genuinely need time?

  10. But was it a good romance? She may not be a bad person, per say, but she at least had huge reservations about the way you both fought together. Are you sure it was a good romance at all? The reason why I'm asking is because I think you've still got blinders on. Hopefully bit by bit, as you are able to remove the blindfolds and rose-coloured lenses, you'll realize this wasn't what you originally thought. I think you need time to heal on your own. One day at a time.

     

    Our relationship definitely wasn't perfect and I think it was mainly because we started our relationship at a very young age. We met fresh out of high school, dated all throughout our college years. I think those years are pivotal years for a person's growth and mental development and it can be very challenging and also confusing. We fought a lot because we were unable to see eye to eye on things and I know that there's no way we can have a successful relationship now if we don't grow up. I feel like I have grown tremendously since we broke up and in some ways, she has too, but there is always more room for improvement on both ends. I wish that we can grow together, but I don't know if in our case it's ideal. I think maybe it would be best if we separated for a long time to grow and learn, but the sad part of that is there is never a guarantee that we'll find a way back to each other.

     

    Other than that, I call it a good romance because things between us have always been very natural. Being with her feels easy, never forced. She's my best friend and our chemistry is impeccable. Again, maybe that's just me speaking through rose-colored lenses, but I'm sure I'll never meet someone who meshes so well with me ever again. I'll love again, no doubt, but probably not in the way that I loved her.

  11. Don't be friends...you are letting her have her cake and eat it too. Best to just leave it and tell her...."you know where to find me if you change your mind. Just remember I can't wait forever".

     

    Seems like everyone has expressed the same sentiments and I'm starting to see the rationale in it. Thank

     

    I feel you feel you're being judged. That's not my intention. Since you are convinced this is meant to be, maybe try working it out with her for as much as you feel it's worth doing so. No one else can help you otherwise if you're not willing to see things from a different perspective. (Hard, I know)

     

    She doesn't want to be with you at the end of the day. It's a sad thing to see a man waste away his life pining over a woman who doesn't want to be with him or trying to reason against reason how logical their romance is and great it is when it isn't even a romance anymore (it's over). I don't know about you but there is so much more to life than this. You deserve better and so does she.

     

    I did feel a little judgment there, but only because you implied I'm living a delusion—which I completely understand, no hard feelings! Thank you for clarifying. I've been telling myself the same thing lately, that there is more to life than this. It is indeed hard to take the perspective of others, but everyone's input has definitely put things into perspective for myself. Sometimes you need other people to be your voice of reason when you're stubbornly holding onto something that doesn't make sense to hold onto. Mourning a good romance is never easy, but I agree at the end of the day if someone doesn't want to be with you anymore then maybe it's best to leave things alone. Thank you all for your replies!

  12. What is the point of getting back together if you are so far apart?

     

    Distance was never a dealbreaker. We had plans to settle down together after we graduated college, which we did earlier this year. If we stayed together, we would finally be living together right now in one place.

     

    It sounds like you're living in delusion. This isn't the way to live. Have you ever had a relationship or is this your first go? Don't fall for internet and online romances. Meeting someone on instagram and meeting up when you're in different cities is a fantasy idea/world and not reality. Try meeting people closer to home, more local to you. There is no way to get a true idea of someone unless you see them on a regular basis or have the opportunity to spend time in person with that person.

     

    I've had relationships before, yes, but this one is by far the most serious one. We have met each other in person and spent time together many many times over the four years we were together. This isn't one of those online romances where the two people have never met or met once or twice. We met frequently. Although we don't get to be with each other on a regular basis, we facetime and have regular phone calls and it makes up for not getting to physically be together. I understand that LDR of these sorts don't make sense to people who have never been in them. But it was always worth it to the both of us and we wouldn't have stayed together for as long as we did if we didn't think it was worth it. Our relationship was as real as any relationship that could have occurred between two people within the same vicinity, if not, even more real because the entire relationship was built on friendship and pure love.

  13. Sorry to hear this. How did you meet? When did it become long distance? How often did you see each other? What was the breakup about? The only problem with staying in the friendzone like this is that it is wasting your time and not letting you move forward. It will keep her company until she finds someone new, though, so don't do it.

     

    We met through Instagram and we were always long distance, but saw each other every few months. We broke up because we were fighting too much and it became too much to handle mentally for her. I agree with you that it prevents me from moving forward, which I wouldn't mind so much if there was hope that she'll be ready to get back together in the future. But from what I'm getting from others on this thread, that might not be such a good idea.

  14. No. I think she is using you as a crutch and she is not strong enough to withstand a relationship due to her own personal issues either with you or with herself. This person needs time and work on herself. Nothing you say or do will be good enough for her, unfortunately.

     

    All couples do experience tough times but commitment is important. If she wasn't committed enough in the same way to work through it and considering she finds it more appealing to have you but not give of herself, these are warning signs that this person is not ok.

     

    Use your better judgment and be more self-aware and aware of those around you. She needs to work on herself. This has very little to do with you. Even if she does agree to jump back into a relationship with you, the cracks are still there if she doesn't acknowledge her weaknesses and inability to face hardships or find solutions in a committed relationship.

     

    I agree that she needs to work on herself. She acknowledges herself that she has a lot to work on too and part of the reason she doesn't want to get back together is because she knows she needs to focus on herself and take care of herself because it wouldn't be fair to me to only have half of her efforts. I respect that immensely. I know it's not easy to be in an LDR though, I know deciding to make such a huge commitment in the midst of trying to work on yourself is difficult which is why I am so torn. A part of me wants to just be in her life and just be there as she figures out what she wants and what she needs, but a part of me feels like I need to disappear from her life so she can 100% do that on her own. I'm just afraid that in the process of removing myself from her life, I'll kill all chances of us ever getting back together. But I guess that's a risk I'll have to take if that's the right thing to do? I don't know.

  15. You should watch videos by Coach Lee on YouTube. He got a lot of content around your situation. His website is myexbackcoach.com.

    I think you should give your ex more time while still continuing to talk to her. Make her laugh, make her miss the times she had with you. You would start seeing an inclination from her side if she's ready to meet up for coffee or something. When you meet, keep it light and don't talk about getting back together. Just be playful but at the same time, a bit flirtatious and make her feel beautiful. Try to squeeze in a second meet up and if that leads to sex, she might be willing to come back.

     

    My own logic tells me that this is what I should do, but I feel like there is potential for me to get hurt. Her telling me that she isn't "ready to be together right now" is what keeps me in limbo. I just don't know if she's keeping me around because she only wants me as a friend, forever, or if it's because eventually she hopes that we can reconcile when she feels ready.

     

    Why did both of you break up? Some background might help you work through your thoughts and reconcile your present with your past. You're not reconciling it because you may be in denial of what's happened in the past (denying that the end ever happened or was warranted in the first place).

     

    You have to make peace with that end in order to move forwards. Forcefully or aggressively pushing for your own personal agenda with this type of history and break up inbetween isn't healthy.

     

    We were just fighting way too often and it was taking a huge mental toll on both of us, her especially, so she ended it. I know now where I went wrong. The time we spent apart helped me reflect a lot on myself as a person and I know now how to be a better partner. Coming to terms with my own flaws and being able to self-reflect put our relationship into perspective a lot. I don't think that I'm in denial. I just genuinely love her and want to be with her because she is my best friend and I can't imagine being with someone else. I do agree that being forceful isn't the way to go, I just don't know how else to approach this situation when there is a lot of anxiety and potential pain in being friends with someone you love so much.

     

    We both agree that being friends like this isn't helping either one of us move on, but she doesn't seem to mind because she actively seeks me out to talk every day. So, should I take that as an indication that there is hope for reconciliation in the future?

  16. My ex broke up with me after being in a LDR for four years several months ago. We were in NC for a whole month before I broke it to check up on her about a weather event that was forecasted for her city and I was worried. We ended up talking to each other every day since. It feels amazing because it feels like we didn't break up at all, but it's a frustrating situation to be in because I spend every minute analyzing her words and actions to see if it points towards her wanting to be together again.

     

    I asked her if she would like to reconcile eventually and she expressed apprehension at the idea because she thinks it's too soon and doesn't want to fall back into a relationship that may end again for the same reasons. I stopped pushing the idea of getting back together, but asked if she would like to meet in person sometime to hang out since it's been so long since we've seen in each other person. She said she liked the idea, but was afraid seeing each other would complicate things.

     

    She wants to talk to me every day and she calls me regularly to chat and we talk for hours on the phone when we do. We recently started to FaceTime again. It's really starting to feel like how it did in the beginning of our relationship when we were just having fun and enjoying each other's company.

     

    There's a lot that makes me feel like there is potential for us to get back together, but on the other hand I don't know if she'll ever feel ready to get back together. I can't bear the thought of being her friend for months, just for her to realize that getting back together isn't what she wants or that she'll find someone else while I'm not getting over her at all. I'm in a tough spot. I don't know if I should walk away and tell her to contact me when she makes up her mind, or if I should continue to be her friend and see where that leads us. I'm thinking that if I cut her off and do NC, she'll just lose whatever feelings she has for me right now and forget about any reconciliation. But if I stick around, maybe I'm just helping her wean off me. Please help.

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