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Everything posted by SophiaG

  1. You are not a doctor. You seem to be suggesting that her pain or discomfort are self inflicted and should go away if she adopts your "laid back," "not stress about things" attitude. She should definitely seek help, but IBS can be stubborn and even with treatment doesn't necessarily go away. Maybe she had seen doctors before (hence the diagnosis?) and was frustrated by the ineffective treatment or repeating problems. I feel for your frustration, and it is not your responsibility to treat her or to share her anxiety. From your words though I don't sense much empathy for her situation. Either way, this relationship is past due. Find someone more compatible who doesn't stress or get anxious.
  2. Happy belated birthday! Why do you "always get very depressed" on your birthday? Since you put high meaning on birthdays there is every reason to make yourself happy. Is it always due to some unmet expectations, even without the quarantine? Is it often linked to this particular friend? Did you ever let him know that you want to feel special on your birthday, or maybe he thought you had the same attitude as his (that birthdays are overrated)? If he knows how you see birthdays and yet he goes above and beyond for other friends' birthday but not yours, maybe he doesn't value your friendship as much as you do, and you may want to reconsider treating him as your best friend.
  3. These are very obvious hints this man is not interested in a committed long term relationship. If that's what you wanted, be glad you find this out early. If you stay with him he will eventually use these statements as a disclaimer that he won't be able to give you what you need, he doesn't care, because he already has so much on his plate, his family, rough childhood, mental health, etc etc. Your relationship will be more and more about him, while your needs and feelings will always come second. A "damaged" person cannot sustain a healthy relationship.
  4. Do you mean an engagement ring or just a normal gift? How long have you been dating? As for going back to your ex when you are dating someone else, yes it does happen. Not pretty on their part, but at least she was honest with you. I'm sorry for the hurt OP.
  5. Exactly! Great decision OP. Stay safe during the quarantine and have fun exploring your body by yourself or with a more compassionate, compatible partner
  6. Just want to add that it is NOT a good idea to wash your vagina with bar soap (not sure if that's what Lambert suggested here), as it will mess up the natural, healthy vagina PH and make you more susceptible to infections. In my experience a healthy scent after shower smells slightly acidic, especially when I'm aroused. Some people might have different/stronger scents but it doesn't necessarily indicate yeast or any other infection - a doctor can easily diagnose that if you have any discomfort or other symptoms. But I wouldn't do it just because of your bf's comment. He sounds rude and cowardly. It would be different if he was actually concerned about your health and raised it in a gentle, loving way. But he was clearly using it as an excuse to get you off his back and potentially to hurt your feelings on purpose. I had an ex who would make comments on my scent (in a positive way, like he loves it and it turns him on all the time). He's also very enthusiastic about giving orals. I jokingly asked him once what would he do if he didn't like my scent. He said he'd shut up and do it (going down on me) anyways. I should also mention that an important factor in women's vagina health is good sex hygiene. If the man pays attention to cleaning their hands, penis and whatever they use to touch/stimulate you down there it goes a long way to prevent vaginal infections. Meanwhile if he has itchy penis maybe he's the one with a problem and you should ask him to get checked (if you still plan to have sex with him, that is).
  7. As someone who puts a lot of value on good conversations and emotional connection in relationships, I think I can relate to this. If you constantly feel bored or uninspired by your interaction, it could be that you two don't have the same level of depth or you're interested in very different things. These incompatibilities tend to become painfully obvious once the initial infatuation/physical attraction starts to wear off. However, this stands out to me as something different: Have you thought about why it seems so hard to believe/trust him? Has he done anything that makes you think he's not trustworthy? Or you feel you don't know him well enough to trust him? Could it be that you have some doubts about yourself so when he compliments you it doesn't sound sincere? Have you been able to trust a partner before your current boyfriend?
  8. This made me laugh Personally I agree with Andrina's approach, and I basically lose interest if there is no immediate plan to meet after a week or so. And yes, 9 out of 10 of those first dates, if not more, ended at just that. But I also have friends who prefer to talk a little longer before setting up a date, and I wouldn't say their methods are necessarily flawed or less effective in terms of finding people with similar minds. I'm also careful not to recommend my approach to them as for some it can get really exhausting and stressful. I generally see those first dates as simply enjoying a meal/coffee with an interesting stranger regardless we click or not, but even so I got frustrated sometimes after going on a dozen of bland dates in a row
  9. I feel you OP. It always sucks when those we choose to trust let us down - all the more so during this difficult time. Hope you and your loved ones stay safe and the situation in France gets better soon. However disappointed you must be at the moment, please don't give in to your ex X's venom and think you deserve less. You are a beautiful, wise, self-loving woman and you know his BS doesn't hold weight. It is admirable how you took control of your body and stayed in shape. See any remaining marks on your body as testament to your strength and dedication. A right partner will accept and love them just as he loves the rest of you. As for Y, even if you've talked daily for months you do not really know that much about this man. He could still be in contact with his ex, living a double life, or he could indeed be depressed and curling up, or just found someone else on the dating site to talk to. Heck, he could be 20 years older than he claims so he was afraid of meeting you. In whichever case, I hope you do not take him back if he reaches out again. The peril of taking things too slow in online dating is that you could become too emotionally invested in someone until you eventually meet (or in this case, fail to meet) and it turns out to be a completely different person than who you have come to believe they are.
  10. If I read it correctly from your posts, OP, you got together with your bf when you were 19 and him in his mid/late 20s. The age difference, and the fact that you became pregnant and somewhat financially dependent on him not too long after, probably have contributed to him treating you (maybe subconsciously) as his inferior and accessory. The social media thing is just a symptom of that I'm afraid. And him seeing that in a partner also shows his insecurity - he might not be comfortable with a partner who stands on an equal footing. That's just my theory, but I'd reflect on the relationship beyond the Instagram arguments. You said he would "throw it in your face" that he spent for this and that. He said things purposefully to hurt you. That is not a sweet, considerate partner. It sounds abusive.
  11. This to me is a huge red flag too. Why does he have to use his contribution during your pregnancy (and sounds like it wasn't even that much) to belittle you and dismiss your feelings? Be very cautious about men who don't respect your opinion or feelings. Since you already have two children together, I would suggest counseling, though I doubt these set dynamics will easily change.
  12. I'm all for political and logical debates with my partner and I got exhausted just reading your posts. Not everybody has appetite for this much analytics in a relationship, let alone in the middle of the night. She doesn't sound like a lady who enjoys it, so take her words for it and leave her alone. It doesn't add up when you label her as "angry and hostile," "mean," "controlling," "incapable of this and that, such as appreciating your crude joke," yet still want to be with her. If you could be honest and tell her how you think of her, I bet you wouldn't need to worry about going to her party and being played as her pawn or not.
  13. Sorry for what happened Shirley. It sounds like an awful lot to go through. The way he's dealing with your relationship is very childish and irresponsible, and I'm not even sure if that's something time or maturity can help. He is not ready or willing to be in a committed relationship. On top of that, he is not even nice or decent toward you. You would be better off shifting your attention to more rewarding relationships and activities. Make and connect with friends that respect you and actually care about your well-being, and you can see how poorly your bf has been behaving. Write down a list of his cold/disrespectful/distasteful behaviors, and read it whenever you feel the urge to call him. That should help you move on. If you find yourself still missing the old days when he was acting nicer, remember people tend to put on their best behavior in the beginning of a relationship. If things deteriorate after merely a year or so, that is usually them showing their true colors.
  14. Sounds like an awkward trip at best or, probably worse, a traumatizing experience. What good can possibly come out of it, if you have no intention of getting back together? Even if you might still subconsciously harbor that idea, jumping from no contact to traveling together - and with "another" couple - is probably not the best way to get there. If you need an escape, book a trip alone or with friends you can trust. Traveling with an untrustworthy ex is unlikely to relieve your stress.
  15. You might be prone to anxiety which is not uncommon but could be draining for you and people around you if left managed. You can start learning to manage it with resources online or help from a professional. You will feel much stronger when you can control your emotions and use them in more productive ways. Good luck!
  16. Unless he has expressed the intention of dating you or being in a relationship with you, assume that you are friends with benefits. If that is not what you wanted, stop having sex with him. If you were okay with the fwb arrangement in the beginning but started to want more, this is a good time to talk about it and see where he stands. Of course he may not feel the same, but at least you will know and can stop wasting time on him. Regarding losing the friend...that's a risk you were already willingly taking by having sex with him.
  17. It is better to get it out here or with a friend/therapist than to pour all this at your boyfriend. There are many things in life which we have no control over and may never know for sure, such as exactly how much a person loves you and for how long they will stay so. Consuming yourself with these thoughts is generally not helpful and could deteriorate your relationship over time. Do you also worry a lot about other things that you can't control or feel uncertain about, like how you did in an exam?
  18. Hugs. It is all very understandable. Though I'm sure you don't want to spoil his hard-earned vacation, so try not to take it out on him. Start making your own holiday plans. Plan something to do for each day, to the hour if needed. Take it one day at a time, and you might be surprised how well you cope after a week or two.
  19. Thanks. I was asking as those can be important factors that contributed to your upset/anxiety/disappointment. It sounds like he communicated his plan with you fairly early on. Did you let him know that you'd miss him and wished that you could spend Christmas with him, in a way that wouldn't come across as accusing him of abandoning or potentially cheating on you? If he was still planning the trip back then, perhaps he would have taken that into consideration and come back for Christmas etc. That said, as long as you are in a relationship, there will be times when you are apart for longer periods than you'd both like, and there will be times when he's hanging out with single guys who might be getting with girls. Other posters here gave very good advice regarding trust. If he hasn't given you reasons to feel otherwise, trust that he will act with integrity and respect for your relationship. This is the man you chose and love, so assume the best of him. If he is not all that trustworthy, time will tell. In the meantime, trust your own ability to be happy in his absence. Catch up with friends and family. Learn stuff that you've always wanted to learn. Spend more time on your hobbies and meet new people. Keep in touch with your boyfriend and stay positive. See this as a test for both of you and an opportunity to expand your own life. If he would forget you over 6/7 weeks, how can you expect him to stay by your side for the years or decades to come? And if everything goes well (as it should), you have many more Christmas to share in future.
  20. Is he traveling with a female friend? Is that why you are so worried about him cheating? When did he inform you of his plan? Was it a few days before his departure or did he let you know well ahead? Did you have plans to spend Christmas together originally?
  21. Sounds like he's the insecure one here. Also with his reaction to your question you got a glimpse of what he was thinking when he "checked in" on you all those times.
  22. While I could see where you are coming from, there is a broad spectrum of perceptions around this, which is why I have to disagree with your "generalized advice for any relationship," especially in the OP's case. The BF is showing who he really is, which is - however hurtful at the moment - a blessing in disguise to the OP. I can't see how her refraining from asking "are you ok" would have helped. At best it would delay her seeing his character and prolong the pain. Some couples would leave each other alone when stressed/in pain/having a bad day and let them "emotionally regulate themselves." Others like to talk things out and face them together. Yet others show their support by little acts of kindness, e.g., hugs and kisses, back rubs, helping out with chores, or simply acknowledging that you see they are having a bad day and letting them know that you'll be there should they need anything, which seems to be what the OP was trying to do. Of course excessive inquires like this can feel irritating or controlling, but without further context you can't tell if that's the situation here. Everybody is entitled to feel the way they feel and to seek partners that suit their style, but no need to paint those who have different styles insecure or disrespectful. If anything, equalizing a question of "are you okay" to scrutiny can be indicative of negative thinking patterns that are often destructive in a relationship.
  23. Instead of wondering "what is wrong with her," have you taken some time to reflect why are you so curious about her motive etc? Why the obsession if you believe you have done nothing wrong? "The silent treatment" sounds like a manipulative move used for retaliation, punishment, or provoking some sort of reaction. Since you said you have no interest in her whatsoever, there is no need for such maneuver. Just go back to business as usual. You can't control others' behavior. You can only control your own. If she is doing/saying something inappropriate, you could respectfully tell her that her comments/behavior made you uncomfortable, or report her if you'd like. That should stop it.
  24. There are people who would find it annoying, and there are people who would appreciate it as an expression of love and support (provided it's not every other day). If the OP is the observant and attentive type, I would suggest she pick partners with similar traits and stay away from those who get annoyed by her act of love, rather than morph herself in order not to offend incompatible people. Given the bf's record of lying over his child, I would not be surprised if he was actually hiding something else behind OP's back and therefore got defensive when she asked. Now he might be contemplating whether to maintain the relationship with further lies or to sever it for good. I wouldn't wait for his decision.
  25. Acting defensive and starting a fight over an innocuous question is a red flag. And on top of that he seemed very insensitive of the circumstances and kept punishing you with cold violence for weeks after. Speaks volumes about this guy.
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